


Teenage Dream

by idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec (GoodFinderBadger)



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, F/F, F/M, High School AU, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-14 03:36:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 156,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5728207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodFinderBadger/pseuds/idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus Bane is striving to go after what he wants after years of struggle. Alec Lightwood is doing his best to hold himself, and his siblings, together in one piece. When these two boys meet they find something special in the other that makes their senior year of high school better than they ever planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello my dear Malec readers! I am back again with a new project, high school! So I have a few things I wanna say if you wanna read. So in this fic I am featuring a FTM Trans Magnus! This is very exciting and I have written a tiny tiny bit of this before but I wanted to bring it to a bigger picture. I don't know all that much about being trans, I will admit that. I did a lot of reading and I'm trying to imagine how he must feel as much as I can. This being said, if I mess up or say something way wrong PLEASE just let me know and I will fix it. I am not trying to offend anyone. I am very excited to write this fic as a new challenge and project! I am so glad to all of you who read Who You're Meant to Be and I really hope you enjoy this story too!
> 
> Happy Reading :)

The transitioning from being a child to an adult is a matter of opinion. Does it happen when you leave high school? Does it happen when you lose your innocence and see the world for the rather dark place that it was? Or does it not happen until you get your own home, a job, and seemed to have things together for yourself? Magnus Bane knew people that had experienced all three, and he had concluded that adulthood was a farce. He would never have himself together enough to be considered an adult. His birthday always fell on the first day of school more often than not, and now he was to be considered an adult at eighteen years old. The reality was that he barely had enough money to get by with and he was the same as he was last year, feeling alone in a house full to the brim of the mismatched group he called his family.

He sat up as his alarm blared for the third time and ran his hands over his short, spiky hair, still getting used to the new feel of it. This is the shortest he had had his hair thus far, and it felt so good. It was like something clicked inside of him, another piece he had put back together. He was going back to high school a completely new person, and he was terrified. He just wanted to curl back in bed and do home study like he had last year, but Ragnor had drawn the line at having him be a hermit another year. He had told Magnus that if he wanted to live in this new skin, he had better start now. Magnus knew, undoubtedly, that he was doing the right thing for himself, and that he felt better than he had last year by miles. It was just terrifying to live the reality of it.

"Are you not up yet?" WIll came in his room without so much as a knock or a greeting. He turned the light on without a care to Magnus's vision adjusting. The light blinded him as he squinted to see what Will was after. "My dad is skyping me in about two minutes and I can't find my sunglasses I lended you last weekend."

"Nervous to see the boyfriend?" Magnus teased him since it was most unusual for Will to be so concerned over such a small detail.. In just a few hours he'd be going with Tessa and WIll to the airport to pick up James, their exchange student for the fourth year in a row and Will's boyfriend. He was more or less a permanent student by this time, but they liked to joke he was still on exchange so they could send him back.

"No," Will said it more curtly than necessary as he ran a hand through his black curls. He gave up his search and looked at Magnus with a large grin. "Jem is going to freak when he finally sees you. He's been so excited for you all summer. Get up and looking fabulous."

"I can't actually wear any of that stuff. I was thinking that was more for home and stuff." Magnus brought his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them. He stared past his best friend to the half a closet of glitter and glam he had picked out a few weeks ago. Will's father was very generous with the money he gave Will for back to school shopping and even after spoiling Tessa rotten with everything she so much as glanced at in the store he had plenty left over.

"You're kidding me, right?" WIll abandoned his search in favor of staring at him blankly. "You wanted that stuff. You've looked great all summer. I don't get it."

"I don't know if I want to attract that much attention," Magnus mumbled to his knees. "I already look so different than sophmore year."

"It's going to be okay," Will's hand rested on his shoulder as he assured him. "Nobody is going to care about the old you. You need to be the person you feel is right to be. You have the three of us right by you. Fuck what everyone else thinks, seriously. You're going to be great." Will yanked the blankets back causing Magnus to shiver in the sudden draft. "Get up because we are leaving in a half hour." A jingle sounded from the adjoining bedroom and WIll swore softly as he tore towards his room. "Find my glasses too, birthday boy!"

"Right, today is my birthday." Magnus muttered forgetting for just a moment that today was supposed to be different than the usual mold every day held as he forced himself to get up and tried to stay positive. He had great friends, and he was going to have a senior year better than any movie could play it out. He would get through this with minimal scarring.

He pulled out a black top that had glitter dusting the shoulders and hem. It was one of the milder shirts they had bought, and one that might be alright for the first day. He glanced out at the piercing darkness and sighed at the thought of the long day ahead. They were up in the middle of the night because Jem's plane got in around six thirty so they had just enough time to get his stuff and throw it in WIll's car and get to school in time. It was going to be a hectic first day.

After a hot shower, Magnus felt more like himself as he turned some music on to get ready to for the day. He tried to avoid his gaze in the mirror as he got ready, as he always did. The new look was amazing and it made him feel whole in a way he never had before, but it was a lot to take in. He had done nothing more than take T injections for the last six months, but it was enough to feel like a brand new person. His shoulders had broadened out and his body fat had shifted from his hips and ass to his stomach. He had grown a few inches over the summer and had even grown an adam's apple. He was nigh unrecognizable as the girl he had never wanted to be. His body had changed to fit the image he had always carried and seemed to correct some of what he had felt was wrong since he could remember.

"Happy Birthday!" Tessa Gray's head appeared in the open doorway as Magnus was finishing his hair with a touch of glitter on top. He grinned and firmly turned to face her completely. There was no taking steps back, only forwards.

"Thanks Tessa," Magnus leaned down to kiss her cheek and take the box from her hands. She was dressed as she normally was for school, all conservative colors with a skirt and blouse. She loved wearing skirts everywhere she could, though both Will and Jem thoroughly enjoyed the sight when she chose to wear jeans. She came up to his chin and her brown hair fell to her slim shoulders, though he had no doubt she would have it up in a bun before too long. "You didn't have to get me anything."

"Quit," Tessa smacked his shoulder as she frowned. "You are practically my brother after all this time and of course I'm going to get you a birthday present."

"I'm not really in the birthday spirit," Magnus admitted quietly as he pulled open the box to see the tissue in colors of light pink, baby blue, and white. He smiled and pulled out a new pair of top quality headphones. His last pair had fallen apart completely a month back on their trip to WIll's beach house. They were black and electric blue, a perfect mix for him.

"I know you don't want to face everybody," Tessa said carefully. "You have to trust us that you're going to be fine. You look great, and it must feel better than before?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Magnus said. He eased around the smaller girl and picked up his bag before breezing downstairs. He didn't want to think about all the things that wouldn't be happening this year, and just on the things that would happen. He'd graduate in the spring and finally be away from his confining high school. He'd be able to go out and do whatever he wished. He probably would like to go into fashion design, but would likely settle for something a bit more practical in the end. He could work for a magazine or something to start with.

"Oh, it's the first day of school," Ragnor Fell sat blinking at him from his place at the breakfast bar. He was poking at the plate of eggs and bacon Catarina had served up. They were so lucky Cat liked to cook, seeing as the rest of them hated it. Ragnor refused to make anything most of the time, Magnus normally wasn't motivated to make anything with more than three ingredients, Will and Jem could cook when they weren't busy running around doing a million other things, and Tessa could make a decent meal when she made the time. Tessa played volleyball for the school and the yearbook club. Will was vice president of student council with the president being Isabelle Lightwood.

"You're on point, Fell," Magnus snapped, his good mood evaporating by the second. He just didn't want to deal with any of this on his birthday. The school had sent a letter that while the school wouldn't officially recognize his name or gender change his teachers had been notified of his preferred name. Today was going to be long, tedious, and would likely either piss him off or make him feel like his progress was worth nothing.

"Wow, for the birthday boy you sure are crabby," Ragnor tossed a wrapped present at him. "You alright?"

"I'm tired as hell, and today is going to be long. I don't want to go back." Magnus slumped onto a chair at the table and tried not to let his frustrations get the better of him. "It's just not much of a birthday."

"Hey, now, Cat is making you dinner tonight! We'll have fun later tonight when I get some sleep and you lot get your first day out of the way." Ragnor was about to leave the kitchen when Catarina came back dressed in her dark blue scrubs and her hair pinned up. She was ready to start her shift at the hospital at six while Ragnor was ready for bed. Ragnor's shift rotated in two week cycles. He'd be on mornings again starting in a week. As a paramedic Ragnor was ready to go at all times and his schedule was never consistent. Catarina was lucky enough to secure first shift in the surgical unit and had steady hours. The two of them were best friends and Magnus, WIll, and Jem were lucky enough to live with them. Tessa lived with her parents at home twenty minutes away. Will had needed a place shortly after Magnus moved in with Ragnor and the older man had shrugged and decided Magnus might as well have a playmate around. Then Jem came back for sophmore year and WIll insisted he'd stay with them as well. Magnus was lucky enough to get his own room while the other two boys shared.

"You're funny if you think you're going to bed," Cat said with a hand pushing him back down in his seat. "I have three teenagers to get out the door and you have yet to tell me who you admitted last night so I'm ahead of the game."

"You use me for your petty rivalries," Ragnor moaned as he laid his head on his arms. "It's getting ridiculous."

"I have to put up with Elizabeth and Savannah all day, don't test me," The two names Cat spat out as if they tasted bitter on her tongue were familiar to the household even if none of them had met the women mentioned. Cat had no hesitation in complaining about her intolerable coworkers. "Here Magnus, eat something. Happy Birthday, and dinner will be fantastic."

"Thank you Cat, I appreciate it," Magnus felt a smile slip onto his face as he accepted his eggs and bacon. The two adults went on about people that Magnus couldn't care to pay attention to. He was trying to stay in the present moment and not let himself skip ahead to what the day might hold.

"Alright, we gotta go!" Will raced in the kitchen with Tessa on his heels. The two of them had likely been talking to Will's dad who was in Argentina at the moment on business. Will's dad was rarely home for more than six weeks in a year and his mother and sister had chosen to go with him. Will hadn't wanted the tutor his parents had hired and begged to be allowed to go to high school. His father made sure to skype him as often as he possibly could and provided Will with whatever he could want. It didn't make up for not having his dad around, but Will made it work as well as he could. Once he had secured housing with Ragnor, Cat, and Magnus his parents couldn't deny him anything. WIll was used to being completely spoilt, and occasionally it would show, but for the most part Will was as down to earth as the rest of them.

"I made you food, Herondale!" Cat chided as she waved to the plates she had ready for the two of them. "It's Magnus's birthday, we could at least enjoy breakfast together."

"Well, if it's for Magnus then…" Will teased as he perched on the edge of the stool. Tessa declined breakfast and settled for a piece of toast. She rarely ate anything before noon. Magnus sat and listened to the rest of them talk as he focused on counting his heartbeats. After a few more moments of this Magnus decided he had to get moving or he would go right back upstairs and crawl in bed.

"Let's go get James. Thanks for breakfast, Cat!" Magnus collected his bag and waved as he headed outside. The fresh air felt wonderful as he hesitated which car to climb into.

"I'm driving," Tessa answered his unspoken question as she unlocked her car. The silver Kia Rio was her gift last spring for her birthday. She had saved for half of it and while it was a few years old she loved it as if it was brand new. It helped that her boyfriend bought the top line of waxes and soaps for his car that he generously shared with her. "Will won't take his baby near the school."

"He has a fair point," Magnus tossed his bag in the back seat first before climbing in after. "Most of our student body can't drive worth anything. We had twenty-five accidents in one semester last year WIll told me."

"Did you see my new baby?" Will asked eagerly as he clambered in, referring to his brand new mustang that had come yesterday in pristine condition. Will was always moving a million miles an hour, especially during school. "Dad had it delivered just the other day. I forget where you were Mags, but Tessa doesn't appreciate it the way it needs to be."

"I was at therapy, WIlliam," Magnus hated being reminded of how weak he was, and how far he had left to go. "I did see it just now, but I promise I will coo over it with you later."

"Jem appreciates my cars," Will muttered as Tessa got them going in the direction of the airport.

"Jem also wants to get in your pants, while I don't," Magnus pointed out with a tiny smirk which made Tessa laugh and Will scowl more.

The airport was crowded as ever as Tessa circled around the terminal trying hopelessly to find Jem waiting for them among the throng of people. It took them a good fifteen minutes before they spotted the tall handsome with brown hair juggling two suitcases and his violin. Tessa pulled into a spot quickly and was out of the car in a split second. Magnus hung back while the other two darted out to greet their lover. He didn't know how his friends were making their relationship work, but ever since they had abandoned all boundaries and decided to love each other freely they had been happier than Magnus could imagine being.

Tessa was quick to jump into Jem's arms as he swept her around laughing. Will was smiling and was quick to pull Jem to him once Tessa had let go for a moment. Will and Jem shared a meaningful and lingering kiss before Tessa started hauling one suitcase towards the boot of the car. Magnus couldn't explain why he was so nervous to see Jem. Jem was the one who had gotten the ball rolling for his injections, making the right calls Magnus was afraid to. The three of them had gone with him to the first appointment last April. Jem had made sure he was on his way to being more at peace with himself before he left. Even with all he had done Magnus felt more often than not he was nothing more than a little girl playing dress up. Sometimes he felt like he would never be accepted as Magnus, and would have Margaret always looming over him.

"Hey stranger," Jem greeted quietly, climbing in beside Magnus while the other two argued how to best get his stuff in the trunk. Pale hands settled on his shoulder as Jem looked him over carefully. He met Magnus's eyes with a smile on his face. "You look great, Magnus. I honestly can't believe all that hormones can do. How do you feel?"

"LIke I'm playing dress up," Magnus whispered, dropping his gaze to his lap. "It does make me feel a lot better than before. I like how it all looks."

"Then smile a bit, yeah?" Jem's gentle hand swept over his cheek fondly. "It's not every day you turn eighteen. Will has things planned."

"Doesn't Will always?" Magnus let himself relax a bit as Will settled behind the wheel this time so Tessa could turn in her seat to talk to Jem. It was nice to have the four of them back together again, ready to start another year. Magnus only hoped he'd make it through alright this time instead of a disaster like sophomore year. He felt Jem take his hand subtly and knew he wouldn't be alone.

MBALMBALBMALBMAL

Alec Lightwood was woken on the first day of his senior year by his little brother bursting in far too early with five shirts in his hand and borderline frantic.

"Alec! Alec, I can't sleep and I have no idea what to wear. Izzy made it sound like today is going to determine the rest of my life and I can't handle that kind of pressure!" Max's voice carried a whine to it that had been missing since he was a little boy. Alec groaned as he saw it was only five-thirty in the morning and he could have gotten another hour of sleep. Why didn't anyone bother Jace with this kind of thing? His adopted brother was better dressed than he ever was, and also cared much more about reputation. Then again Jace would probably launch something very heavy at the head of the person trying to wake him before his alarm went off, and he had dead aim.

"Gimme a minute," Alec mumbled, rubbing his eyes and trying to make his tired brain wake up. He had been up late himself, writing lyrics and trying to figure out how they were going to make Mortal Instruments work with no drummer. They may only be a cover band, but Alec would be damned if they would go the whole year without playing. They had a gig set up at Bounce, a nightclub they regularly played at. It was the only place they could play so far, besides maybe a school dance if they couldn't get someone better. Then again, his sister was student council president this year, so that could end up in his favor.

"What's your problem?" Alec asked, turning on his lamp and looking at Max once again. His little brother looked incredibly worried and nervous as he bit his lip in a shirt of Alec's and old pajama bottoms.

"Izzy said today would seal my high school experience. She said today was so important, and I just don't know what to do! Help me, Alec!" Max looked up at him with big blue eyes to match his own and Alec couldn't help but feel bad for him. Max was a brand new freshman this year, and he'd been anticipating it for months. He'd been jittery for weeks and had suddenly started caring about what clothes he picked out. Isabelle had been in charge of taking him shopping this year and had obviously filled his head with the wrong sort of ideas about high school.

"Okay, Izzy is full of crap," Alec told his brother calmly, taking the shirts from his brother and laying them out on the bed. "Nobody is going to remember much about today because everyone is confused and scared of being in high school. You might meet a couple of people but it will not determine the next four years. Trust me when I tell you that today is important, but not life changing. I like the blue shirt."

"You always pick black or blue," Max pouted as he stood looking over his choices. Alec rolled his eyes and was about to demand why Max had even asked him then when Max picked up the blue shirt and stared at it. His bottom lip stuck out and it was obvious he was incredibly nervous and stressed out.

"Okay, c'mere Max," Alec drew his little brother to him for a hug. "It's going to be great I promise you. I'm going to walk you to your locker and your first class. We have the same lunch period this semester. I'm going to help you, okay? You'll do great."

"Dad didn't come home last night, and he promised he'd be here for our first day." Max told him as he cuddled his head into his brother's chest. "I hate it when he doesn't come home."

"Dad must have been caught up in work," Alec told the lie as a burning anger filled his gut. The truth was his father must have decided to get a hotel room with a woman he met at a bar the night before. It had been eight years since their parents had gotten divorced and the thought of his father with someone else still didn't sit right with him. His mother may be a dominating and difficult woman, but she was still their mother. If his father wanted to date someone that was one thing, but these one night stands had to stop. Their father had no interest in being a father, only in living a life that pleased him. He was a lawyer in one of Manhattan's top firms and that led him to having many privileges among the elite crowd. Their mother was away in California and had shipped them to their father when she had gotten her position as a manager of a modeling agency a few years ago. They saw her a few weeks every summer and over Christmas break, but the majority of their time was spent right here in Manhattan. "Go get in the shower, okay? You'll want to before Izzy takes over that bathroom. Jace will be in after that I'd imagine. You don't want to be caught without hot water."

. Max scooped up his clothes and darted down the hall to his own room and Alec heard the shower running moments later. He looked at the rumpled covers with fading hope he'd be able to crawl back in bed. It was their first day of senior year, and someone had to make it memorable.

Alec was quick to throw on some clothes and run his hand through his hair a few times before his siblings got moving around. He had enough time to make them some breakfast and maybe take a few pictures before they all headed off to school. He would take Jace and Max while Izzy drove her flashy red sports car by herself. She was always staying after school for either cheerleading or student council so it made sense for her to have her own car.

He set about making pancakes as he hummed along to the radio. They needed to pick a new set to cover this year, probably some summer hits to start off with before the new fall music came barrelling out. They weren't out to make their band a career, or maybe Simon was when the mood struck him. Their band was a way to have a blast on the weekends doing something they loved. They had had an amazing drummer, but he went off to college and left them with no clue where to find another. Simon had put up flyers last week when they had picked up their new schedules. Their auditions were today after school, before homework overwhelmed people and they didn't want to stick around a second longer. Alec wasn't holding out much hope for finding anyone reliable and talented in their school. He knew the people with talent were in band, and that their Friday nights were largely taken with football games and then with competitions other nights. That wouldn't work with their regular gigs on Saturday nights.

"Are you making us breakfast?" His sister walked in the room, looking gorgeous. California had been kind to her, giving her skin a warm brown tint and her hair had grown out over the summer to just below her shoulder blades. She wore it curled today and it fell perfectly no matter which way she moved. Izzy had a talent with hair that Alec couldn't imagine, not being able to do much with his mop of hair. "Is dad out being a complete slut, as usual?"

"Max is awake," Alec warned her firmly. Neither of them much liked who their father was, or how he conducted himself in his spare time, but Max wasn't old enough or knew enough to condemn their father in the same way. Max still loved their father as a child would, with blind trust and adoration. Max never got to know their mother, since he had always been too young to tag along with their mother's busy lifestyle. "You look nice, Izzy."

"Thank you," Izzy smiled at him as she opened a notebook and started reading over what she had worked on over the summer. She was captain of their cheerleading squad and president of student council. Alec thought she was absolutely insane to take all of it on, but his sister had insisted this was what she wanted. The puzzling thing was all she wanted to do after school was either a cosmetology program or something to do with fashion like their mother. Alec would much rather she do the former, since the latter had made their mother become someone he no longer liked or cared to know.

"You get first dibs on pancakes," Alec offered as he held out a plate heaping with the fluffy pancakes.

"I'll take one," Izzy corrected him, picking one off the top and eating it piece by piece. Alec sighed and cast her a worried look. His sister had been different since last year. Ever since their mother had gotten ahold of her this summer she had changed. She was more distant, and ate hardly anything.

"I thought I smelled food," Jace said as he sluggishly came into the kitchen. "Did you make coffee?"

"Is the grass green?" Alec retorted wryly, the two of them couldn't function without their morning dose of coffee, or more than one dose depending on how the night went. He took out a mug and poured hot coffee before placing it in front of his brother.

"You're still doing all that?" Jace asked as he noticed Izzy pouring over her notes. "It's senior year Iz, you can take it easy. Senior year isn't actually meant to be hell."

"Not all of us are lazy asses who deem it okay to get by with good looks," Izzy snapped, clearly not in the mood for snark.

"Don't forget that while being gorgeous, I'm also hilarious, witty, and a genius. You never seem to be able to look past my beauty." Jace put on a pout to seem extremely put out, but his smirk gave it away.

"You would never be able to play poker," Alec muttered as he carried over plates of breakfast for himself and Jace. He slid the syrup towards his brother while putting peanut butter on his own pancakes.

"Uncle Mike is here!" Max announced happily as he came into the kitchen and nearly moaned in appreciation at the stack of pancakes at his place. "Alec, you're the best!"

"Who said I didn't make them?" Jace asked as he entertained himself with seeing how close he could flick drops of syrup to Izzy's notebook before she launched something at his head.

"You don't even know where we keep the griddle," Max answered. Jace's smirk fell slightly as the smaller Lightwood was completely right.

"Well, let me start on some pancakes for Mike," Alec felt inexplicable nervous that his uncle had shown up out of the blue. Michael was wonderful, and more of a father to Alec than Robert had proved himself to be. He always wanted to live up to the faith and pride Michael seemed to have in him.

"I'll make them," Izzy said as she lobbed her pen at Jace and closed her notebook. "It's not like I can concentrate in this kitchen anyways."

"Are my niece and nephew finally home from L.A.?" Michael's deep voice carried through the hall as he entered the house. Alec watched as his siblings faces visibly brightened the minute they heard his voice. They all adored Michael Wayland, and he was so grateful their adoration was returned tenfold.

"In the kitchen!" Alec called out, trying to hide his smile. Jace leaned back as he finished his stack of pancakes. The tall looming frame of their uncle appeared in the doorway with his brown hair brushing the top of the doorway.

"Well, aren't you all just bright-eyes and bushy tailed for your first day?" Mike held open an arm for Max who immediately went to him for a hug. Izzy was up next for a tight hug and if she held on for an extra moment Alec wasn't about to say anything.

"Did you like high school Uncle Mike?" Max asked, his nerves mostly settled by now but wanting one last confirmation that his new school would be all he hoped it would be.

"Well, your dad made it interesting for me most of the time. Like is a very relative term." Michael looked thoughtful as he ruffled Jace's hair and kissed the top of Alec's head affectionately. "I guess I liked it most the time."

"More than I can say," Jace muttered.

"How was your summer?" Izzy set down a plate in front of the last empty place indicating for their uncle to sit. The pancakes were a little darker than Alec would have preferred, but they would be alright. Mike reached for the peanut butter with a wink to Alec before answering Izzy's broad question.

"More or less alright, hot and long. I got your dad to come on the boat with me a total of three times, which I guess is more than ever before." He was silent for a moment as he enjoyed his first bite. "I missed you guys a lot I'll admit. This house isn't nearly as fun."

"We took a trip to the zoo," Max put in with a smile. "Then Jace joined us when we went to see this really cool band playing in Brooklyn down by the water."

"We did have a few memorable outings," Mike agreed amicably. "Jace made himself busy most of the time."

"There's never enough of me to go around," Jace quipped as he went to leave the room. "When are we leaving?"

"In five minutes," Alec replied, glancing at his phone. "Go get your stuff together guys. I have to get Max organized before school starts."

"Is it that late already?" Isabelle darted to her own phone to check the time. "Sorry, I gotta run MIke! We'll see you soon?"

"I'll be around, maybe tonight. I gotta see how your first day turned out, yeah?" Mike accepted her quick kiss on the cheek as she quickly gathered her stuff and was out the door.

"So," Mike pushed his plate aside as he fixed his gaze on Alec. They were finally alone as Jace and Max were grabbing what they needed. "How was L.A..?"

"Busy," Alec answered vaguely, not sure what he could say about their time on the west coast. "Mom dragged us around places, when she was home. We were at the beach a lot. The same as here, only less humid."

"Did you manage to have any fun?" Mike had an eyebrow raised when Alec glanced at him. Alec blushed and rolled his eyes.

"With mom around? Hardly," Alec gathered the plates together and set about washing them. Mike poured a glass of juice as he leaned against the counter.

"You seem quiet," Mike commented at last as the dishes were finished and Alec fidgeted waiting on his siblings.

"I just have a lot to think about," Alec's answer was again vague and he knew he wa reaching the limit on vagueness that Mike would accept.

"Your dad gone?"

"Yeah, somewhere," Alec tried to keep the slight disappointment out of his tone. "Max was kind of upset this morning about it. Dad should be here for his first day of high school."

"What happened in L. A. Alec?" MIke finally asked pointedly. "You're way too quiet, and Izzy seems different too."

"It's hard to explain," Alec sighed and fidgeted with a strap on his bag. "Being with mom is so different than with dad. Dad doesn't want to be a parent, and he makes it obvious. Mom doesn't want it either, but she tries too hard. She doesn't know the first thing about us, so instead she tries to make us like things and do things she thinks we should. This summer was just incredibly boring and long. Izzy had a bit of fun, but as I'm a walking fashion disaster I was left to myself most of the time."

"Your dad…" MIke started to explain, but Alec shook his head.

"Save it for Max when he starts asking questions. I'm not interested in what Dad tells you. I just want to get away from him so he can stop getting to me so much."

"Your dad is trying," MIke still interjected. "It was hard for him to accept me at first as well. Now he's coming over and meeting any boyfriend I happen to get and threatening them with bodily harm if they hurt me."

"I guess a best friend and a son are different terms." Alec picked up his bag and turned to go. "He's just been completely intolerable to talk to. He tries not to talk directly to me, and it makes it hard. He adores the rest of them and then gives me some indifferent look. Maybe it's just me he doesn't want to be a parent for."

"You only came out-"

"A year ago," Alec cut him off. "It's been a year since I told my father that I had a boyfriend I wanted him to meet. Jonathan was such a nice guy, and dad had no right to be so awful every time he came around. I'm tired of protecting him from my sexuality. He can tell me he's okay with it until he's blue in the face, but until he acts like he gives a shit about me I'm done."

"Okay," MIke conceded gently as he wrapped Alec in a tight hug. "I get your point, I do. I'm sorry Robert is being so difficult. Trust that he loves you, kiddo. Almost as much as I do."

"I love you too," Alec said in return. He tried his best not to ever think too closely about his father because it made things easier. Maybe this year would get better after a summer apart. He'd find out when he got home tonight. "Jace! Max! Let's get this show on the road!"

"Okay, sorry!" Max apologized as he hurried to the door with his bag. "Bye Uncle!"

"Have a great first day guys," Mike waved as he gave them space to leave. Alec's pocket buzzed and he glanced to see Mike had texted to call if he needed to.

"Let's go back to the halls of oppression then," Jace said sadly as he joined them by the car. "I'm not ready to go back."

"One more year," Alec reminded him. "Then it's off to as far as we can go."

"You got that right," Jace muttered before clearing his expression so he wouldn't ruin Max's hesitant excitement.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

They had made it as far as lunch and so far things were better than Magnus anticipated. The teachers had called him Magnus, and nobody had said anything to the contrary. Most of the kids truly didn't remember him much and didn't make any sort of connection to sophmore year. He was starving, despite having breakfast for a change.

"Are. You. Five. Will?" Jem asked through gritted teeth as Will persisted in drumming against his back with a pair of pencils.

"He's at least seven," Tessa replied as she read a book across from them. She wore a smile that never left her face as she tried not to watch her boys too obviously.

"You guys are jealous I'm about to be in a band," Will insisted. "MI is an awesome band and I'm about to be in it. Can you say Bounce every single weekend?"

"Yeah, clubbing every weekend is completely my thing," Jem said dryly. Magnus snorted into his cup.

"You can't drag your boyfriend with you every weekend to ignore him," Magnus pointed out. "And Tess would be hit on constantly by every guy there, gay or not."

"Yeah, okay," Tessa rolled her eyes while she picked off Jem's plate. Jem smiled affectionately at her as he turned his plate to make what she wanted more available.

"Aren't they just a cover band?" Magnus asked, largely out of the scene of what was going on. He had went with Will once to the popular nightclub last year, but that was it. "What do they play?"

"They cover top hits, and some older amazing songs. I think the singer is in charge of what they play. Some shows have a theme, and some are per audience request." Will had started tapping on the edge of the table instead, causing Jem to glare at him ten fold. "They're a pretty great band and they'll probably play at homecoming."

"So, every chance for a date with you is ruined?" Tessa asked, finally put out by the band idea. "Did you think to ask your girlfriend about this?"

"Or your boyfriend who's been gone for two months?" Jem played along as he slipped an arm around Will. Tessa's eyes widened and she glanced around. Magnus had been filled in on the car ride over that nobody knew the three of them were together. Will and Tessa kept their relationship public since it had been going on since they were sixteen, but the Jem part is where the secret lay.

"Damn, what happened to you?" The voice made all four of them tense and Jem immediately snagged his arm back to his side. Magnus turned to see the voice belonged to Gideon Lightwood, someone he really hadn't wanted to run into. The Lightwood family was prominent in the school so it was hard not to known any of them. Will now worked with Isabelle, Jem also knew Isabelle from her relationship with Simon Lewis who was in band that shared storage space with the orchestra where Jem lived the last half of the day. Tessa knew one of them from volleyball that hung around with Helen's girlfriend Aline Penhallow. Gideon Lightwood hadn't been his friend exactly in sophmore year, but they had talked. Gideon had tried to date him, when he had gone by Margaret, but that had backfired. He had a twin brother named Gabriel that went here, but Magnus didn't know him as well. "You used to be hot. Are you going for butch lesbian now?"

"You fucking shithead," Will was on his feet before Magnus could even process what he had said. "Are you really an ignorant piece of shit or-"

"Hi Gideon," Magnus said, finding a voice he had thought was gone. He couldn't let Will get potentially suspended for fighting the first day. He had known this was going to happen, it was inevitable. People couldn't have totally forgotten him after only a year. "I go by Magnus now."

"I heard," Gideon was still eyeing him intently. "So, you drop off the face of the earth and decide to become some kind of transvestite freak? Is this because I tried to come onto you in the locker rooms after gym class? It wasn't all that bad."

"What the hell?" Will asked, looking more furious by the second.

"This- I-" Magnus fumbled his words, unsure how to explain this to anyone. It was something he had done, but he hadn't yet had to really explain it. Or at least explain it without completely breaking down. Telling Ragnor had been when he was curled in bed crying, and telling his friends had also been a pretty emotional time.

"It's none of your business who Magnus chooses to be," Tessa spoke firmly but calmly as she glared at Gideon, closing her book. "If you have any honest questions I'm sure Magnus would be happy to answer, but otherwise you need to leave."

"While kissing you was enough to want to die, what I did has nothing to do with you," Magnus told him firmly, wanting that much to be clear. "The term for it is transgender, so if you're going to talk about it at least get your terms right."

"Either way you're a freak," Gideon supplied, despite the four glares aimed at him. "I wanted to look at the circus act up close and personal. When Gabe told me that sweet, quiet Margaret was now some tall butch I had to see it for myself."

"Will, stop," Jem's firm voice kept Magnus in the moment. He had a tight grip on Will's arm as both boys stood. They each looked completely furious and their outburst had drawn many curious stares from the students around them. Magnus wanted to leave, but knew it would make the whispers worse.

"Are you being an ass once again, Gideon?" A girl wearing seven inch heels and an expression fit to kill appeared by their table.

"So he's always this pleasant?" Will asked through gritted teeth, obviously using great self-restraint to not punch Gideon in the jaw. The mysterious girl glanced at him before rolling her eyes and stepping in front of Gideon.

"Get the hell out of here Gideon." She sounded bored rather than angry. Magnus had no idea who she was, but he was very glad she seemed to be taking over the situation.

"Or what, princess?" Gideon took a step closer to her as a challenge, not liking being told what to do.

"Or," She stepped toward him, her eyes glittering. "I slam this textbook into your face until I break your nose. Got me?"

"You're such a bitch," Gideon mumbled as he left. She spun on one heel and sighed, turning to face Will with a pleasant enough expression.

"Sorry my cousin is the biggest ass to every exist. You should hear Alec talk about him, it's hilarious." She handed Will a few typed out pages which he took as he slowly relaxed and sat back in his seat. Jem stood behind him with one hand still on his shoulder, not trusting Will to let go of his temper so quickly. "That's the agenda for the meeting tomorrow. If you have anything to add or change just email me tonight. I'll try to get to it after cheer practice."

"Right," Will's tone was still curt, but it lost the menace it held before. "This all looks good. Have a good summer?"

"I don't know if being here is worse, or where I was this summer. Hard choice," She seemed to completely dismiss the question as she turned to Magnus with a smile. "Hi Magnus, I'm Izzy. It's nice to actually meet you. I sit behind you in our awful Government class."

"Hi," Magnus took her offered hand. "I noticed you don't stay quiet long."

"Oh," She gave a small smile. "I'm not the best person to sit next to if you want to pay attention."

"I'm not terribly interested with that monotone voice teaching," Magnus told her, sharing her smile.

"Well I had better go find Jace, we share lunch. He'll get ornery if I make him wait and I'm not in the mood to deal with him." She waved at them before addressing Will once more. "Look that over and let me know, okay?"

"Gotcha," Will seemed to calm down by the minute as his attention was drawn to something else. Magnus clenched his hands under the table to keep them from shaking. The whole ordeal had only lasted minutes and could have gone much worse. He also knew that was only the beginning once people began to figure out who he was and who he used to be. If Gideon Lightwood knew then other people were bound to hear about it before too long.

"Let's take a walk," Jem said into his ear and pulled him from the table. Tessa offered a wave of her fingers as she picked up her book again. Jem didn't speak until they were out in a corner of the courtyard that seemed empty enough. Magnus didn't want to look at Jem right then, but he knew Jem was only concerned about him. Once you were diagnosed with depression people never seemed to stop worrying.

"I'm okay," Magnus said, before Jem could start with the questioning. "It wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Freak isn't the worst insult I've heard."

"I don't want to hear that out of your mouth, ever," Jem said firmly, making Magnus look at him. "You are not a freak, and nobody has the right to call you that. You are one brave son of a bitch who took amazingly huge steps to make yourself happy. So many people are afraid to go after what they want."

"Okay, now you're dramatizing it," Magnus ran a hand over his hair. He suddenly wished for his pack of cigarettes he had at home with the added stress of the day. "I'm guessing I can't smoke here?"

"No,that's against school policy," Jem smiled. "I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that you're one of the bravest people I know."

"You made it all happen, " Magnus felt he had to admit. "Ragnor was the one who made me start talking to someone so I wouldn't off myself. My story isn't about bravery, it's about the fact that I'm lucky enough to have friends drag me all through it. If it wasn't for you guys I don't think I'd be okay."

"I think you don't give yourself enough credit," Jem sighed and looked at him closely. "Are you sure you're okay? Did that asshat really try to kiss you?"

"Once upon a time, yeah," Magnus chuckled. "He was always a loser. He just thought I was pretty back then. I don't even know how serious of an attempt it was."

"That's the bell," Jem pulled Magnus to his feet. "Let's try and get through the rest of the day so we can get to your birthday celebrations instead, much more fun."

"Can't we just go home and drink?" Magnus suggested as they walked back inside. "I'm sure Ragnor would let us have a bottle of something for the occasion. I don't really want to go out."

"We'll see," Jem said mysteriously as they joined up with Will and Tessa once more. Tessa kissed his cheek quickly before she went off to class on the second floor. Jem squeezed his hand before heading off to orchestra.

"You good?" Will asked as they fell into step beside one another.

"Good as I can be," Magnus replied, sighing as they made their way into yet another classroom.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Alec had math as his last class of the day, and that was just a cruel trick of the universe. He had really hoped he'd have a fun class last, and not the class he hated the most. He knew he had Aline and Simon with him, which was some help, but it still would be kind of awful. He was the first to arrive out of his friends and was about to pick their trio of seats when he spotted the worst thing possible on the first day of class, a seating chart. Alec groaned and kissed any chance of this class being bearable goodbye.

"Margaret Bane," Alec muttered to himself, trying to memorize the name. He scanned the room and blinked when he saw a boy sitting in the seat labelled Margaret. He frowned and checked the arrangement again. Maybe the other boy had completely missed the fact that they had a seating chart, since the majority of teachers didn't use one. Alec probably wouldn't have noticed it if he hadn't been rounding the room for a decent spot Simon would approve of, since he actually liked math.

"There's a seating chart up front," Alec said with touch of awkwardness as he put his things down. "I don't know if you saw it." He thought the other boy was going to completely ignore him as his gaze stayed fixed out the window. Alec didn't pay him much notice until he turned his gaze to look at Alec and he felt his stomach drop out completely. His eyes were gorgeous, a deep green that seemed deeper than Alec could ever see into. They held a deep sadness and weariness that made Alec want to find out who had hurt this boy so badly. What had made him look at the world this way through his captivating eyes. His gaze widened to take in the flawless caramel skin and soft face with prominent cheekbones. The glitter in his hair reflected with the afternoon sun and make the black locks seem to glimmer as well as they flopped over his forehead. Alec had seen a few beautiful boys, but none had taken his breath away like this.

This boy was completely gorgeous, and Alec wished he could stay behind him all year.

"I go by Magnus," The boy replied carefully, his voice quiet and holding a note of caution. He didn't keep Alec's gaze long as his eyes flickered to the open door and back again. "I- I was um…" He looked uncomfortable continuing and after pondering the situation for a moment Alec seemed to put some pieces together. Magnus must be Margaret, or had been, and no longer wanted to be. Alec had no room to judge, and whoever Magnus wanted to be was fine with him as long as he got to hear that tenor voice again.

"I'm Alec," Alec settled down in his seat and sent a smile Magnus's way. "Izzy mentioned meeting you, are you new?"

"Something like that, new enough," Magnus agreed with a small smile of his own. Those green eyes seemed to lighten as they got his preferred name out of the way. "Are you any good at math?"

"I'm awful," Alec admitted. His smile lingered longer than it had all day. Magnus had long fingers with a ring on his right hand and he twirled it around his hand as he crossed one leg over the other. "You?"

"I get by alright, with help from Google," Magnus ended with a grin as Alec chuckled.

"I haven't seen you all day!" A dramatic voice exclaimed from the doorway and Alec looked to see Aline in the doorway. She made no hesitation in running over and squeezing her way onto his lap while throwing her arms around his neck tightly. Her skin was warm from her dark tan she had gotten from her vacation with Helen Blackthorn, her girlfriend of a year and a half. Her short hair brushed his cheek, she had cut it all off in July, and even with all the changes she still felt so familiar and perfect in his arms. Aline might not be his sister by blood, but he loved her as much as the rest of his siblings.

"I missed you too, Aline," Alec said dryly. "It would also seem that I'm going to miss breathing here shortly, and feeling my legs."

"Oh, you whine as much as ever," Aline teased as she slipped out to sit on his desk instead. "How is it this school has kept us apart until the last freaking class of teh day?"

"They're conspiring," Alec rolled his eyes towards Magnus, who gave his small smile once again. "You look amazing Aline, have a good vacation?"

"Have you seen my snapchats?" Aline demanded, looking scorned. "I sent you so many pictures that you would know that answer already!"

"I just wanted your account of it!" Alec defended himself, raising his hands. "Izzy showed me them since you sent them to her too. Everything looked very amazing and relaxing."

"L.A.? Anything? You've been a closed book all summer!" Aline changed subjects like lightning and had been pestering him about his own trip as much as possible. Aline looked hurt, but her brown eyes still shone. Alec knew she would forgive him anything.

"I have things to tell you later," Alec told her, closing that subject for the moment. He did want to tell Aline about the summer, if he ever found time. "Are you coming to auditions?"

"For your dorky band?" Aline tried to keep a straight face, and mostly pulled it off if it wasn't for her twitching lips. "Wait, is Izzy going? That'll be a bundle of awkward."

"Are you already gossiping about me?" Alec's grin widened again as he saw Simon walk in. More students were filling in the room, some seeing the chart and others oblivious with the majority seeing it and ignoring it.

"Yeah, I absolutely have nothing better to talk about," Aline told Simon as she put her feet in the way of where he wanted to sit. "I didn't even say your name, Lewis."

"You think I haven't heard everyone talking about the nerd who lost Isabelle Lightwood?" Simon sighed heavily which made Aline move her feet with a frown. "Nobody is actually surprised it happened, only betting on what it was Izzy finally realized about made her run." He rubbed a thumb and forefinger under his glasses.

"She doesn't know what she lost,' Aline assured him. She patted him on the back. "You're better off without her, especially with the shit way she was treating you this summer."

"This is Magnus," Alec introduced, at a loss of what else to say. He hated that his sister and his best friend had broken up, and he had tread the waters successfully so far. Izzy had done it over the phone while they had been away, and had kept her cards close to her chest about why. He hated seeing Simon upset, and had no answers to his many confused questions. "He's new this year."

"How awful to be new senior year," Aline commented. "You don't have that history with people. Maybe it makes it less sad."

"We're not being sad Aline," Alec reminded her. "There is nothing sad about leaving this place, seriously."

"Is there a seating chart?" Simon had finally noticed what everyone was looking at up front. "Are you kidding?"

"Fuck," Aline swore as she let her head hang back. "I better be near you Alec, or else I'm never going to make it through this class. I hear this teacher is an absolute bitch. Tell me where I sit, Lewis. And make sure it's the right answer."

"Be back soon," Simon left his bag and disappeared up front. Alec noticed Magnus watching them with amused eyes, even if he didn't say much. It only took minutes for Aline move a row over and two seats ahead and Simon to be across the room. The room settled quickly enough as soon as the teacher, a Mrs. Baxter, entered the room. Her voice was stern and she quickly revealed she wasn't the kind of teacher to include a sense of humor while teaching or much of a personality at all. She passed out a syllabus and started to call role. Alec took out a notebook and was about to set his eyes on the set list he had been playing with all day. He knew he'd be towards the end anyways. This was more important that any stupid syllabus.

"Bane, Margaret?!" Baxter's voice rang through the room and Alec's head shot up as Magnus went stiff and seemed unable to move or say anything. His hands had gone slack, the pencil he had been holding clattering to the floor. Alec bit his lip, wanting to say something but unsure what, or even if he should defend the stranger in front of him. He was gorgeous, and that smile was about to kill him, but that didn't give Alec the right to fight his battles.

"I-" Magnus began, his voice strangled and quiet. He cleared his throat and tried again. "I go by Magnus, actually. Magnus Bane."

"Oh, right," She narrowed her eyes at him. "You're one of those that think they can pick their own gender or something."

"No-" Magnus started to say, but was cut off by their teacher who looked like she had quite a bit to say on this matter.

"Let me tell you all something," Her voice was loud and carrying as Alec watched Magnus's face go completely blank and his eyes widened. "Nobody but God is allowed to tell you what your gender is. He is the one that created you and he is the only one who can tell you if you're a boy or a girl. You kids have no business trying to waste perfectly good resources and time trying to change that."

"What bullshit is this?" Alec heard Aline mutter. Magnus hadn't moved a muscle since the teacher had started her rant. Whispers had broken out around the room with most people staring at Magnus. Some were in support of what the teacher was saying while others were just shocked she was preaching about God in a classroom. Alec didn't hear a single word in support of the beautiful boy in front of him.

"One last thing," Mrs. Baxter seemed to be done with her rant for the moment as she fixed her cold, gray eyes on Magnus. "I bet your poor mother and father would not want their daughter to be thought of like this. You can do what you like, but in my classroom I'm not calling you anything but your given name, which is Margaret. You can wear all the boy styles you want, and cut your hair any which way, but it won't change the way you were made!" The last straw to break Alec's tentative silence was the single tear that slipped down Magnus's cheek as his gaze went back out the window clearly unsure of what to do or how to react.

" Shut the hell up!" Alec had stood up and was glaring at this teacher with a look he previously only reserved for his father.

"What did you just say to me?" Mrs. Baxter's voice held a tone that meant trouble for him, but Alec couldn't bring himself to stop.

"You have no right to belittle people because of what you believe." Alec felt himself shaking and he couldn't look to see what Magnus would possibly think. "Magnus has a right to discover who he is, without commentary from you. It isn't your job to decide who we are, your job is to make sure we know enough to pass this class and make it to college. You need to shut the hell up, and stop saying what you have no right to say."

"You can get out of my classroom Mr. Lightwood," Her gaze was sharp enough to cut him straight through. "You'll be lucky if you aren't suspended for this manner of disrespect! You'll be lucky if I let you back in my class!" Alec didn't hesitate to gather his stuff and storm out of the room. He knew he'd get detention for this, quite a few. He doubted he'd get suspended since he'd heard worse, but this wouldn't end well. His father had been with one of the secretaries in the main office and he had no doubt she'd tell Robert everything about this, if only to get back in his pants another night. She was young, and for some reason was impressed by a hot-shot lawyer.

"What the hell happened to you?" Aline was by him in moments with Simon behind him. Alec wasn't at all surprised to see them. They had as little tolerance as he did for small-minded idiots. "Since when do you shout at teachers?"

"She deserves to be fired," Alec's voice was shaking as badly as his hands. "What right did she have to humiliate him like that? Bringing God into it? His parents? Is she on crack or something?"

"That bitch can go rot," Aline agreed passionately. She shifted her books to her other arm and peered around. "So, are you staying to find out what the office has to say?"

"No," Alec decided after a moment of gazing down in the direction of the office. "I'll find out from Dad later."

"Oh yeah," Aline sighed heavily. "He's still with the blonde in the office?"

"It wasn't her idea to end things." Alec opened his locker roughly and shoved his useless math book in his locker before gathering what he needed. Another locker slammed around the corner from his and he froze. He signalled for the other two to be quiet and peered around the corner to see it was Magnus gathering his things. His moves were unsteady as his hands trembled and Alec heard him sniffle a few times. It was obvious he was crying as he pulled out his phone. Alec wanted to say something, but at the same time he feared he had made everything worse. Magnus's expression broke his heart as he got a glimpse of his face before Magnus made a bee-line for the east doors. Magnus was beautiful, and seeing those tears on his face was awful. Alec desperately wanted to help, or maybe comfort, but he didn't know how He had been where Magnus was, alone with people judging him from every possible angle. He wouldn't wish that one anyone.


	2. Chapter 2

Magnus sprinted out the doors at the side of his high school and didn't even pause as his feet first his the cement of the parking lot, then grass of the sprawling lawn, to end up on the pavement of the sidewalk. He turned right and ran until his lungs were burning and a pain in his side became so unbearable he had to slow his pace. He welcomed the burning in his lungs to distract his thoughts from that woman's words.

He collapsed on a bench and drew out his phone to stare at it blankly He wasn't sure how he would afford a cab home, and he should probably just call Ragnor to come get him. It's not like Ragnor would mind since he'd be up by now. Ragnor was always there if he needed him for anything, and he had been for the last three years. He was probably the most steady person in Magnus's life besides his three best friends. His finger hovered over the contact name, but he couldn't bring himself to press it. He couldn't bring himself to admit to being in pieces once again over what a stranger had said, or rather shouted, in a classroom.

He stood and shoved his phone in his pocket as he walked in any direction. He knew the city well, and couldn't fathom actually getting lost. He had to keep moving so his thoughts would stay a hum instead of the roar the playback of her words would be eventually. He made it six blocks before his emotions threatened to take hold completely and he ducked into what seemed to be a kind of cafe and made a beeline for the bathroom. He was grateful it was only one person occupancy as he shut and locked the door behind him and slid to the floor. His breathing was ragged and it felt like he couldn't suck enough air into his lungs. He leaned his forehead on his knees and tried to block that screeching voice out that told him he was never going to be a man. Her screeching voice chimed in with the one in his head insisting that he was doing nothing more than playing dress up, like a real life Barbie doll. The voice that told him he was never going to be loved for being Magnus, that everyone only wanted Margaret around. Magnus was nothing, Magnus didn't exist.

Then he remembered the comment about his parents, and it felt like his heart stopped beating completely.

Magnus stumbled to the sink and gripped the sides of it tightly and gazed into the grimy mirror. He tried to force himself to focus on his distorted reflection in the grimy, clouded mirror and remind himself that he had done it He had worked hard, and he had made Magnus come to life. He had come so far since last September, when he hadn't been able to even get out of bed so many mornings. He had had help along the way, but it was him that kept going to appointments when the shots hadn't seemed to be doing anything. When it seemed like too much effort to try anymore.

The shaking hadn't stopped and he couldn't get his breathing back to normal no matter how hard he tried. He splashed cold water on his face to try and stop the tears, and also to clean off his smudged make up. He pulled his phone out once more and finally figured out who he could call that had already seen him in worse states than this one plenty of times

The ringing seemed to echo inside his head as Magnus held the phone, praying for an answer so he wouldn't have to be alone. It wasn't that his friends wouldn't answer their phones without hesitation, but it was that Magnus was a very private person and it was easier to break down in front of someone you didn't have to see every single day. He wanted his friends to still think of him as strong, brave, and beautiful. He didn't want them to know how much of a mess he was on the inside, and how hard it was for him to breathe.

"Bane, I thought today would be the day you wouldn't be calling. Happy Birthday," The voice over the phone managed to get his hands to stop shaking as he took several deep breaths. He knew he was supposed to be saying something witty in return, but he considered himself to be doing well to be breathing somewhat calmly. If he started to talk he wasn't sure if he could still keep his tears at bay. His silence must have tipped off the person on the other end that he wasn't alright. "Magnus, say something. Magnus, I need you to tell me if you're alright. Listen to my voice and calm your breathing. Focus on taking deep breaths, okay?"

He shouldn't be this weak that he had to call his therapist on his birthday. One stupid woman shouldn't be enough to make him completely fall apart. The problem was that he had kept himself cooped up and sheltered while he had been going through all of this. If he ever did go out he made sure he was completely anonymous and the outings were short. He had never been around other people who had known him as Margaret in over a year. His friends had been amazingly supportive from the first moment of telling them, and that had been all he had wanted in his life. He had gathered that people weren't fond of the idea of transgender people, but the thought of how people would react was very different than having it in your face.

"Magnus, where are you?" His therapist's voice made him focus in the moment again.. He swallowed hard and made himself say something so he didn't make the other freak out too much more.

"Some cafe" Magnus winced at how unsteady his voice sounded, echoing off the walls of the bathroom."I just started running and ended up here. I'm somewhere on 75th I think. I'm sor-"

"You never need to apologize for calling me. Can you tell me why you're upset?"

Magnus thought of even beginning the story from earlier and knew he'd never get through it, especially not here. "I can't talk about it, not yet. I'm in a bathroom."

A light chuckle came over the line. "Fair enough, can you meet me at my office? Or do you want me to come meet you? If you went straight from school I have an idea of where you are. Unless you can poke your head around and see what the name of the place is?"

"It's Bluefront Cafe," Magnus reported as he opened the door enough to see what place he was in. "Would you mind meeting me?"

"Not even a little, though I might say my coffee is on you." The weak joke still made Magnus emit a small smile. Raphael Santiago was one of his favorite people in the world.

"I'll see you soon then."

"Grab a table and get yourself a coffee. I'll be there." As Magnus hit the end button on the phone he made himself only think about following Raphael's simple instructions. The warm drink helped keep his hands busy and kept him relatively calm until he saw the familiar face of his therapist walk in the door. This was far from the first time Raphael had agreed to meet him outside of his office. Magnus didn't even see the inside of his office until nearly six months after they started meeting. They had met in the park for the entire summer before Magnus was convinced to go to his actual office.

"Hi, I ordered you a coffee," Magnus greeted him as he sat down across from the teen. Raphael's dark eyes studied him for a long moment before he relaxed a bit and glanced towards the counter.

"I was only joking about you paying for my coffee." Raphael shifted in his metal seat. Magnus could agree they were possible the most uncomfortable things he had ever sat on. The cafe was small and completely abandoned. Magnus had only seen one girl working and after she dropped off the cup of coffee she disappeared again. As much as he hated Raphael's office, he would have preferred it to this place.

"I know, but I felt bad dragging you all the way over here," Magnus dropped his gaze to his cup and spun it between his hands. "I feel so stupid calling you when I already see you twice a week."

"I never mind being here when you need me." Raphael laid a hand over his gently, though Magnus still didn't look up like he wanted. "What's going on, birthday boy? What has you so upset?"

"It's this teacher, she's unbearable." Magnus forced himself to launch into the story of what had happened before he had arrived in this miserable cafe. He told Raphael about Gideon confronting him and then about the teacher lecturing him in front of the class at the end of the day. He got through the resulting fight before his throat closed over again and no more words would come.

"Magnus, look at me please." Raphael's voice was soft, yet leaving no room for argument. Magnus reluctantly raised his golden green eyes to meet dark pools of black across their tiny table. "I hope you know she was nothing short of a bigoted bitch, right? I sincerely hope she won't keep her job after saying things like that to you."

"I told you it was stupid I called you," Magnus felt burning at the back of his eyes, but he refused to keep crying about this. "I knew people didn't like people like me. I knew today wasn't going to be easy, and still when something went wrong I freaked out about it. She didn't say anything I didn't already know."

"Please tell me you don't honestly think that about yourself," Raphael's face had an amused expression tinged with concern. "If you do, I've seriously failed as any help to you. I'm as religious as a lot of people are, and I don't pretend to know what God thinks. You aren't any kind of abomination, and you are a boy Magnus. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, except you."

"Why do I constantly feel like this isn't real?" Magnus burst out his question, though he had vowed to remain quiet. "No matter how many times I stare at myself in the mirror I feel like I'm only pretending and any minute I'm going to have to go back to being her." Magnus gave a frustrated sighed and pulled his hands through his hair. "How do I make other people accept me when I can barely accept it myself. I feel happy, I do. I'm so glad I did this, and I feel so much better. I'm having a hard time making this feel real."

"Magnus," Raphael looked infinitely relieved that this was something he could fix, or at least something he could offer reassurance on. "I told you when we started this was going to be harder than you ever thought. Despite you having dissonance with your reflection, it was still your reflection. It was the same person looking back at you for seventeen years, and then suddenly you completely changed it. It's going to take some time for you to come to terms with it. I know six months may seem like a long time, but it's really fast to change everything about you. Those shots are intense and they mess with a lot. It's just going to take time for everything to settle." Raphael grinned at him. "This is real Magnus, you're over one of the worst parts. You did it, I promise."

"She made me feel so completely awful. I thought someone might say things like that, but hearing it was just…. worse than I thought." Magnus felt a tear fall as he felt her glare on him again. "She hated me, and she had only just set eyes on me. Then she had to ask what my parents would think."

"Damn," Raphael took a drink of his coffee at last. "She went there?"

"Yeah," Magnus sniffed and gave a small grin back.

"She's a bigger bitch than I imagined. Has Will offered to mess her up for you yet?" Raphael gave him a knowing look. Magnus had definitely told him about Will enough to know that violence tended to be his first answer.

"I haven't told any of them." Magnus went back to fiddling with his cup. "I don't know if I'm going to."

"I told you not to be pushing them away," Raphael scolded lightly. "You need your support system Magnus, now more than ever. You've transitioned, but the hardest part sometimes is living with it around other people. I'm assuming you're dropping her class?"

"She kicked me out, as well as this kid who stood up for me." Magnus let himself move past her awful words to the blue eyes blazing in anger as six feet of muscle was taunt and on edge. Alec's knuckles had been white gripping his desk as he didn't hesitate to give her a piece of his mind. He had stood up for Magnus, and been so angry on someone's behalf that he didn't even know. They had spoken for five minutes, and yet Alec had defended him like they were best friends. It had made Magnus feel important to someone, for the first time since he had changed his entire life. He felt like anyone else in that school thanks to Alec, and Magnus would probably never see him again. He was brave, beautiful, and everything people claimed Magnus to be.

"Are you feeling any better?" Raphael was still watching him carefully over his cup of coffee.

"A bit," Magnus sighed and tossed his cup away. "I'm going to go home and see what my birthday has in store for me. I guess I'll drown my sorrows in cake."

"I got you a little something, though if you tell anyone I'll deny it." Raphael pushed an envelope into his hands before tugging him into a sincere hug. "It's going to get better Magnus.""

"You keep saying that," Magnus sighed quietly. He tucked his nose into Raphael's neck momentarily. "I'm doing my best to believe you."

MBALMBALMBAL

"I think this is torture," Aline complained loudly as she spun in a chair to the side of the stage. They were hosting their, admittedly pathetic, auditions in the small, unused auditorium at the back of the school. They would come in here to practice now and then, or used Alec's house when his father wasn't home. Alec and Simon were in the last two functioning seats in the audience of the front row while Aline and Helen were backstage as their backup. They wanted more ears than just theirs when they played with their potential drummers to see if the sound truly worked.

"We only have another half hour," Simon assured her. "I can tell you we aren't having any more fun than you are. We're never going to find a good drummer."

"You could always just get someone who looks like they know what they're doing to be up there with you while you play a recording," Helen suggested with a sly smile as she tangled her hands in Aline's hair to massage her scalp gently. The sounds Aline made belonged somewhere much less innocent than an auditorium.

"That would be almost as disgusting as lip synching," Alec scrunched his nose and looked at his notes from the six people they had gotten in so far. The argument with Baxter wasn't far from his mind, and it was clouding his thoughts from being entirely focused on their task at hand. He was worried about Magnus, the beautiful boy he couldn't shake from his thoughts. Alec knew he wouldn't be alright if a teacher had humiliated him like that.

"I hope I'm not too late," A voice carried from the back of the auditorium as the doors clanged shut. The four of them turned to see three people walking down the aisleway. The one leading had same combination as Alec, black hair and blue eyes with alabaster skin. It was almost like this kid was his doppleganger. Another boy behind him had dark hair and grey eyes while the girl had wavy, soft brown hair down slightly past her shoulders with soft brown eyes. They looked like a notable trio, which one of them wanted to be part of Mortal Instruments?

"You're just on time," Simon spoke up, sporting a hopeful smile. All three of them did look like promising new members. Simon ran a hand through his hair and stood up to meet them. "Are all three of you trying out?"

"Just this crazy bastard," the one with dark hair chuckled while clapping the Alec doppleganger on the shoulder. He rolled his eyes while shrugging off the hand.

"I'm Will Herondale," He held out a hand for Simon to shake. "I really like your band, it's great."

"Thank you," Alec finally spoke, standing as well. "We'll just ask you a few questions and then we'll get up there and play a bit together." He sighed and was pleased to note Helen and Aline were looking completely professional on the stage. "Those two are Helen Blackthorn and Aline Penhallow. They come to just about every show and we wanted some outside ears. They know what sound we're looking for."

"Hi Helen," Tessa called with a small wave. "Hey Aline!" Helen waved in return with a smile.

"Right, volleyball,' Alec muttered. "You did look familiar." He had attended a lot of practices and nearly every game with Aline.

"So, Will," Simon began, looking down at the questions they had been screening all their auditions with. "We have a running gig with Bounce Nightclub on Saturday nights, can you be committed to that?"

"I'll be there!" WIll's answer was confident while his companions both rolled their eyes. Alec hoped that wouldn't end up being a problem.

"We hold practices three nights a week," Alec looked at him and with Will's nod continued. "Who are your musical influences? Who do you like to play? We play a whole variety of stuff, so this is just to see where your preferences lie."

"Though we will be completely judging you," Simon said with a grin.

"I listen to a lot of things," Will began, trying to organize his thoughts. Alec could relate, he absolutely hated trying to list off who he listened to. "I like Seether, and stuff like that. I listen to Maroon 5 and Train. Tessa got me into those." He shot a smile at the girl to his right. "Fall out boy is always good to listen to. I'm all over the board more or less."

Alec and Simon exchanged a grin, his answer was most compatible with the variety they played so far.

"Do you play any other instrument? Or sing? We kind of switch it up for different songs. Everyone's voices are best suited to different styles." Simon was crossing his fingers behind his back, this was the question most applicants had had unsatisfactory answers to.

"I can play keyboard really well." Will said thoughtfully. "I taught myself how to play through Youtube. The drums were a lessons kind of thing. My singing voice is decent, but I will tell you I don't have a great range."

"You probably won't have to sing unless you want to, Simon and I mostly have that covered." Alec assured him. He felt hope gather in his chest and only hoped this guy could truly play. "I think we should hit the stage and see how we play together."

The three of them clambered up on the stage and got into position to play. Alec felt at home on a stage, as if he could escape from everything. Playing music set something free in him that nothing else could loosen the bands on

"Three Days Grace?" Alec suggested, feeling in that kind of mood all summer. He had drowned himself in their music too often to name over the last few months.

"Sounds good," Simon said as Will nodded behind them. They quickly agreed on a song and before Alec knew it they were playing a set together. Will led them off for each song with the different beats and the other two followed. Alec chanced a glance over at their impartial judges to see they were feeling the same thing he was. They all felt like Will was the piece they had been looking for.

They were on their fourth song when Will's friend stood suddenly and waved to get their attention. The look on his face couldn't mean anything good.

"We have to go Will," His voice was tight as he looked at his phone. Tessa was on her toes trying to see over his shoulder, but the other was so distracted he didn't notice.

"What's going on Jem?" Will didn't hesitate to move out from behind the drum set and towards the edge of the stage. Alec had a feeling that while this band would be a priority for him, these two would come first no matter what.

"It's Magnus, he needs us." Jem's face was worried as he gathered their things together. A flash of worry crossed over blue eyes as Will turned to face them. Alec's heart had skipped a beat hearing Magnus's name. Magnus wasn't okay, and Alec had done nothing when he had seen him leaving so upset. He had known better, but he had let his fears of overstepping boundaries get in the way. It would seem their new drummer was close to the gorgeous boy in class. Alec wanted to ask if he was okay, but he knew that would appear very strange since he had only just met him. There was every chance he would never see him again in a school this size, unless he happened to tag along to a show or two….

"I'm sorry to cut this short," WIll apologized. Alec could tell his thoughts were truly far away from this auditorium. He couldn't blame him. "I thought we sounded great together. I can come back or…"

"You're totally in!" Aline called with an excited grin and two thumbs up. She and Helen had started dancing halfway through their second song together. "You guys sounded amazing already! They'll let you know when practice is!"

"What she said, " Alec said with a shrug and a glare he didn't truly mean her way. "I feel like you're the fit we wanted."

"William, " Jem's voice was much less soft now as he stood by the doors waiting. Will sped up his gait and waved at them as he disappeared out the double doors. Alec felt sick to his stomach as he helped Simon put the equipment away.

"That was the kid from math, wasn't it?" Simon asked, noting his mood.

"Yeah," Alec said, swallowing hard. "His name is Magnus." Saying his name somehow felt different than any other name, it felt smoother rolling off his tongue.

"I hope Baxter gets fired," Aline said with feeling as she picked up their scattered notes. "Being a bitch is one thing, but belittling your students is another. No other teacher had such an issue with it."

"Our other teachers either don't care, or they're relatively normal," Alec said quietly. "He'll be okay. I'm sure he's just upset. I'm glad he has some good friends."

"Not as good as the ones you're stuck with!" Aline latched herself to his side in a hug. Alec laughed and hugged her back.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Alec tried to push Magnus out of his thoughts as he went through the motion of dropping his friends off at their homes. It was when he was finally alone that he let his mind wander to Magnus, and what kind of hell he might be going through. It wasn't so long ago that he was terrified of his own feelings and didn't want anyone to know.

Alec had slowly figured out just why he never wanted a girlfriend after Izzy and Jace met Clary, and by extension her brother Jonathan. Jon always had a tan lasting until mid winter with light blonde hair and huge green eyes. He played football, and while Alec didn't care for the sport he liked the way hours of training make Jon's shoulders broad and muscled. The crush had been immediate and hit him like a punch to the stomach, taking the air right out of him. He had not been prepared for the butterflies in his stomach and the blush rising up every time Jonathan was mentioned or in the room with them. Clary adored her brother so much of the time he was around when she was. He had been prone to dropping things like an idiot causing everyone to laugh at him. It had been an awful time.

Then summer came and Alec thought he'd catch a break from feeling like a flustered idiot. MIke swept them away to the coast six hours away for a long weekend of nothing but fun and relaxation, or so he advertised It had started when he had dropped his fries in the backseat of the car trying to balance his phone, a book, and a drink along with his fries The result was fries all over the seat and laughter from his sister who had teased him that she thought he only did that around Jonathan. His uncle had shot him a look Alec couldn't read, but he was silent..

He managed to have a good time with his siblings and they had tons of great memories from that vacation. They had needed a weekend of fun desperately after long months putting up with their parents separating for good this time. It had been tedious with a lot of fighting involved. Alec tried to keep the rest of them out of it, especially Max, but he couldn't say he always succeeded. They all bore scars from the last year, but the copious amounts of junk food and fresh air seemed to help.

Alec had been so proud of himself for staying so inconspicuous their entire trip, but the illusion had been ruined the last night of their stay when Mike had found him sitting down by the water. Mike had wasted no time in telling him he knew his secret, and after panicking for a few minutes Alec felt infinite relief he didn't have to be alone. He had known Mike was gay all his life and had met one or two of his partners over the years. It seemed so normal when it was Mike, but when it was him it seemed like an awful disease It didn't help that his parents weren't exactly tolerant of things that were different. They had both been raised conservatively and while they appeared to be trying to broaden horizons Alec had a feeling it would be different with their own flesh and blood. He swore Mike to secrecy, but it did make it better to have someone to share a secret with.

Mike finding out didn't end his anxiety attacks when his father nearly found his magazines trying to find a flashlight in the back of the cupboard. It didn't lessen the knots in his stomach every time his mom asked when he was going to get a girlfriend, or who he had his eye on. It didn't stop him avoiding his sister when she started asking questions he didn't know how to answer. Alec knew well the panic that came from hiding a secret about the very inner parts of you, part of what made you who you were.

He may not have ever been called out by a teacher, but he had by his father. He had read the terrible comments online from people who had very strong opinions on the rights gay people should have, or not have. He had seen articles of people being attacked, or even killed, because they were seen looking at someone of the same sex the wrong way. He knew what Magnus was feeling to some extent, and he wanted to help. He wanted to just let him know that he wasn't alone in the world. He wasn't alone in his fear or loneliness. There would always be people like Baxter, but for every person like her there was a dozen that were lovely and supportive. Magnus deserved to know that if he didn't already.

Alec pulled into his driveway to see that his father still wasn't home, nor was his sister. He saw lights on in the living room so at least Max was home if nobody else was. He sighed quietly to himself as he gathered his things up and locked his car before heading inside

"I'm home!" Alec called out into the silence. He got no reply, but that wasn't too unusual. In their house headphones were everyone's favorite accessory. He locked the door behind him and took off his shoes while straightening the rest of the pile by the door. He dropped his bag off in the kitchen before trying to see where his siblings were and if they wanted dinner. Alec only went as far as the next room to see Jace sitting reading a book wearing headphones while Max slept with his head in Jace's lap and a manga open across his stomach Alec smiled at the sight before waving slightly to get his brother's attention.

"Oh, hey," Jace said before wincing and seeing if Max was still asleep. Alec watched as he ran a hand gently over his black curls before focusing on Alec. "How were auditions?"

"They went pretty great," Alec told him with a smile, sitting in an arm chair adjacent to the sofa. "We have a drummer. It's Izzy's vice, Will Herondale."

"Iz says he's a cool guy. Though she's bitter because she's pretty sure those two will get prom king and queen together. He's the school king and she's been his girl since freshman year so it's nearly a shoo in. At least that's what Izzy tells me." Jace choked back a laugh as Alec rolled his eyes.

"How was his first day? Did he say anything?" Alec nodded to their sleeping brother.

Jace shrugged a little as he shifted as smoothly as possible so he wouldn't disturb Max. "He found all his classes no problem and met a few people. It went as well as it could have I guess."

"Good, I'm glad." He dropped his gaze and played with the hem of his sleeve. "Have you heard from Dad?"

"He'll be home for dinner," Jace picked up his phone and flicked through the texts. "He said to tell you to make dinner for seven and he should be here. He had a big caseload to get through today or whatever."

"Great," Alec sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I don't have enough to deal with."

"Did you get detention? I heard about you going at it with Baxter. I had her last year and I wish I would have been there." Jace wore a grin, but Alec suddenly felt sick as he realized he probably would get a few detentions plus the wrath of his father for his actions. He'd gladly do it again, but that didn't mean he was looking forwards to the consequences.

"I'll find out tomorrow. Or tonight probably if Dad's booty call got ahold of him." Alec's tone turned bitter and he quickly squashed his feelings towards his father down. He was constantly scolding his siblings for talking poorly about him, especially in front of Max. It didn't do him any good to hate Robert, and it took way too much energy.

He did his best to distract himself by figuring out what to make for dinner. He settled on making a taco bar for the five of them. If his dad was pissed at him then he'd tell Mike to stay away for tonight. He never yelled at them in front of Mike because their uncle wouldn't put up with it. Alec's stomach twisted even imagining what his father would say about what had happened today.

"I'm home," Izzy finally wandered into the kitchen with her hair pulled up in a bun and a wan look on her face. "I had cheer practice after I went to the library to work on the agenda for our meeting tomorrow. Then I went to the gym and went on the treadmill for an hour. I think I'm going to die." She rested her head on her arms and gazed at Alec browning mean on the stove.

"If it makes you feel any better we're having tacos," Alec sent her a smile, knowing any mention of Mexican food was bound to make her day at least a little bit better.

"I had a protein shake after the gym," She tried to brush off his dinner, but at her older brother's look she amended her statement. "Okay, I'll have one."

"Good," He turned the burner off and put the lid over the meat to keep it hot. "Dad will be here in ten minutes for dinner. Tell Max and Jace it's just about ready."

"Family dinner? That sounds like a bundle of fun," Izzy muttered as she dragged herself off the stool at the island and disappeared upstairs. Alec checked the clock again and felt a flutter of nerves. It wasn't only the prospect of the trouble he was about to be in for earlier, but Robert made him nervous in general. His father had a temper to match nobody else he knew, and anything could set him off.

Soon enough they were all gathered around the table and waiting on their father to come home. Max was the only one talking as he went on about his first day. Jace was staring at his phone and occasionally texting his girlfriend. Izzy was zoned out staring out the window with her head cushioned in her palm. Alec's eyes kept flicking to the clock as the minute hand steadily moved further and further past seven.

"Let's just eat," Jace snapped finally, standing up and setting his phone on the table. "Robert is once again late and we're all starving. We don't even know if he'll actually show up for dinner. This wouldn't be the first time he'd completely stand us up."

"He'll be here," Alec defended. He sent looks to his other two siblings to keep them from following Jace. "If he told you he'd be here then he will. Traffic is bad at six downtown."

"Are you ever going to stop defending your daddy?" Jace snapped, frustrated. "Robert treats you like shit and you won't even admit it. He ignores all of us and acts like his own shit doesn't stink. I'm tired and I have so much shit to get done for tomorrow. Why do our lives have to revolve around when he decides to grace us with his presence?"

"I'll be the first to admit he isn't perfect," Alec tried to keep his voice from shaking. He hated fighting with anyone, but Jace most of all. "He's all we've got for parents now. Mom is wrapped up in L.A. and doesn't want to be involved in our lives. We're all living here for at least another year and we have to keep the peace to make the best of it."

"We don't have parents Alec," His sister snapped. "Neither of them feel like raising kids anymore. They don't want us, and I don't know if they ever have. Dad's a cheating man whore and Mom would rather coach her pretty barbies than be around us."

"Did I miss something?" Robert's calm voice came from the doorway and the three of them whipped around to face him. Isabelle's face lost all color as she stared at their father while Jace pursed his lips and folded his arms across his chest. Alec wanted to put his face in his hands and start screaming, but instead he smoothly got up and extended a plate towards his father.

"Hi Dad, we were just waiting so we could start serving dinner. I made tacos for tonight." Alec tried to keep his tone light and prayed his father wouldn't acknowledge what had just happened. There was a lot that went unspoken in their family and it was definitely better off that day

"Well I think you can put two of those dishes away," Robert's hard gaze never left his sister's face. "Jace and Isabelle don't seem to want to join us tonight. They can go upstairs and stay there."

"Fine with me," Alec heard Jace mutter as he wasted no time in leaving the dining room and pounding up the stairs. Isabelle stood her ground and stared at her father defiantly. Alec read the hurt in her eyes, but knew their father would never see it.

"Tell me one thing I said isn't true," She challenged with a lift of her chin. "Tell me you cheating isn't why mom is on the other side of the country and that you don't sleep with a different woman every week."

"Apparently L.A. has loosened your tongue quite a bit," Robert's tone was soft and dangerous. Alec could hardly breathe, praying this wouldn't get any worse. "I don't know if your mother puts up with your lip, but you should know by now that I won't stand for it."

The smack across his sister's cheek seemed to echo in the silent room.

She didn't make a sound as red bloomed across her cheek. She made to leave quickly, but Robert grabbed her wrist before she could.

"What I do with my personal time is none of your business, do I make myself clear?" Robert said softly. Izzy squirmed to try and get away, but she knew it was useless.

"Yes, sir." Her tone was the most complacent Alec had ever heard it. He chanced a glance at Max to see his little brother staring at the table, hardly blinking or moving at all.

"You will not speak to or about me in that manner again!" This time his voice was thundering rather than quiet. "You will show me respect! I give you every single damn thing you own. You better watch yourself or you might find some of your convenient comforts missing. Get upstairs!"

She didn't need to be told twice.

The three of them were left in the room with deafening silence for company. Alec's hands were shaking slightly as he ripped open the tortilla bag and turned up the burner to heat up the meat. Max still hadn't moved since the fighting had started. He was a lot like Alec in the way that he hated people yelling and fighting. They both tried to avoid conflict when they could. This was part of the reason why his shouting match had been such a shock to his friends. Alec couldn't remember the last time he had truly fought with anyone. He would occasionally bicker with his siblings, but that's about all.

"I guess while we're on the subject of how disrespectful my children are," Robert moved next to Alec behind the counter. Alec pressed his back to the edge of the counter and bit his lip. "I had a phone call today about you. What were you thinking? I've raised you better than to shout at people."

"She was bullying a student," Alec kept his tone calm and even. He had thought of a bit of a defense while he had waited for his father to come home. He had no idea if it would hold any appeal to Robert, but he had to try. "She was verbally attacking a student for no reason."

"She was correcting her," Robert told him firmly. Alec felt the same wave of anger he had felt in that classroom as his mind brought up the image of that one tear sliding down Magnus's cheek. "That young woman is very disturbed and has a lot of issues. She needs a lot of help to go in the right direction."

"Him," Alec couldn't help snapping. "Magnus is a him, not her." Robert's cold eyes flashed as his frown deepened.

"Margaret Bane is a girl, and no matter how she chooses to dress or wear her hair she will always remain a girl. Alexander, don't be dense. You must understand basic anatomy?" Robert slapped a hand firmly on the counter to emphasize his point. "Just because you have chosen to label yourself as a homosexual doesn't make you some kind of advocate for every single freak in the world. You don't need to make a spectacle of yourself like this. Must you always wave this gay pride flag?"

"Someone has to," Alec snapped, his temper once again snapping for the second time that day. "When are you going to understand that I didn't choose to be this way? That Magnus had no choice in how he feels either? People that are LGBT don't get some kind of choice. There is a higher suicide rate among transgender people than nearly anyone else. If you think people would make some kind of choice that would drive them to kill themselves-"

"Alexander," Robert sighed. "I think you've been spending way too much time with Michael lately. The Banes are a very troubled family, or they were. Connie has known them for a long time-"

"Right, and she would just have all the information through the gossip in the office." Alec had completely lost his appetite and had a feeling he was about to be sent away anyways. "What, you think Magnus is just playing dress up? You think I'm just going through a phase of some sort? Is that why you wouldn't say one civil word to Jonathan last year? Your best friend is a very openly gay person and you still think this?"

"Michael doesn't wave his sexuality in my face as much as you do! I'm so sick of hearing about this shit Alexander, and when will you start to realize that nobody truly cares? Keep your relations behind closed doors and shut up about it. You'll be better off for it. You don't need to be an advocate and completely humiliate this family all the time. I've known people in that school for years. Nancy Baxter is an extremely respected teacher that you felt it acceptable to shout at. " Robert's hand was clenched on the counter and Alec knew this wasn't about to end well, but he couldn't seem to just sit down and ignore this. This was too important.

"Jace makes out with Clary on the sofa at least three days a week. Isabelle brought Simon over all the time and watched movies with us, cuddling. I bring over my boyfriend for some homework and don't even touch him the entire time so I wouldn't make you uncomfortable. You tell me I'm waving it in your face?" Alec shook his head and tossed the tortillas he still held on the counter. "I'm never going to shut up about it until my sexuality isn't a reason people are getting murdered. I don't wave it around, I just live this way. I don't care if Baxter was ranting about the shoes Magnus was wearing I still would have said something. She had no right to do it in front of the entire class. Her job is to teach us algebra, not to tell us how disgusting we are."

"If you want to make any kind of life for yourself, you need to get your priorities straight," Robert clutched Alec's chin in his large hand and made their eyes meet. The color may have matched, but Alec had never seen any kind of the same warmth from his father. "You will not be a shame to this family again. You will toe the line and shut the hell up. I don't want to hear anything about your queer agenda in this house again. I don't want to hear it, do you understand me?"

"Let go of me," Alec tried to pull his face away as he fought away the tears pricking the back of his eyes. The disgust on Robert's face cut him like a knife to the heart. He knew his sexuality didn't define him, but it was a large part of who he was. Two of his best friends were lesbians, and Simon was bisexual. He had seen people get mobbed outside of Bounce because they were making out in the alley next door. The person he looked up to most in the world was in the best relationship he knew with another man. He knew that after he left this house there would be nothing left connecting him to his father. Robert may be terrible and bitter now, but Alec could remember a time when he wasn't. A time when he'd push him on the swings at the park and kick a ball around with him. Alec used to ride on his shoulders at parades when he'd been little.

It broke his heart in ways he didn't ever want to think about.

Robert pushed him away so that he landed hard against the counter and laid his hand down on the knife he'd been using to chop tomatoes with earlier. He felt the sharp, blossoming pain, but couldn't tear his eyes away from the man he no longer recognized. "Just get out of my sight. I had a long day and I don't even way to be around you right now. I just wanted a nice dinner with my family, but with you lot that's too much to ask. I thought I had raised respectful children that I could enjoy my time with. I guess Max and I will be eating alone."

"He doesn't want to eat with you," Alec said before he could help himself, a sob hitching in his voice. "Max, come on upstairs. We'll get something to eat later."

"Maxwell, don't you move from that table." Robert sat down calmly from his brother, whose eyes were wide and snapping between the two of them. "Alec will serve us dinner and then he will go upstairs quietly"

Alec wanted to refuse and storm upstairs like his siblings. He wanted to scream and rage that his father was a horrible person. He wanted to demand that his father start paying attention to them, instead of leaving it to Alec to make sure his siblings were well fed, happy, and doing well in school.

A sharp throb in his hand reminded him that he had indeed cut it just a moment ago. He looked down to see blood smeared on the cutting board and the edge of the knife. That was when the pain seeped into his awareness and any thought of his father left. He cursed softly and grabbed a dish towel from the drawer to stem the bleeding. It was clear across his palm, but not too deep as far as he could tell.

"Alec!" Max broke free from his frozen place at the table to be at his side as he spotted the blood at last. Robert huffed but didn't move from his spot glaring at Alec from the table. "Are you okay?"

"Just a cut," Alec muttered, not wanting to make a big deal out of this. His jaw ached slightly from his father's firm grip and he just wanted to be away from all of this. "I'll get Jace to help me wrap it."

"Put some ice on it," Max grabbed a second towel and put a few ice cubes in it as he pressed it to Alec's hand. He winced slightly but nodded in thanks as he glanced at his father briefly to see his sharp blue eyes watching them carefully but doing nothing. It was his parenting style these days.

Moments later the four of them were in the bathroom Izzy and Max shared as his sister tried to get the bleeding to stop and the other two hovered needlessly. This was hardly a sacrifice with the double sink, jacuzzi tub, and walk in shower. It was large enough for the four of them to fit comfortably, especially not wanting to be alone just then. They normally tried to stay together when Robert was home as some kind of support system. He wasn't home as much as he should be, but when he was he liked to point out their glaring flaws as much as he could. Alec couldn't look at Jace, ,knowing his brother was right from their fight earlier but not knowing how to act like Jace thought he should. Some part of him knew the relationship with his father was over, but most of him didn't want to admit it. He thought if he could be quiet enough, and toe the line, he could save them.

"Alright," Izzy sat back on her heels as she threw another wad of tissue in the trash. "Jace, get me the first aid kit so I can try and wrap this. It'll work better than a band-aid for now. It's not deep, but it's sensitive."

"Thanks Iz," Alec told her quietly. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Isabelle looked like he was crazy as she held her hand out impatiently. "Dad shoved you into it. It's not like you meant to cut yourself. You're the one that stayed calm the longest."

"Are you alright?" Alec used his good hand to softly touch her cheek where the mark faintly lingered, but it was fading steadily. She turned her face away on instinct.

"I'll be fine. I guess calling him a whore wasn't the best move."

"The look on your face though," Jace sniggered as he handed her the supplies she needed. "It was pretty priceless."

"Shut the hell up," She snapped, tenderly taking Alec's hand in hers and pressing gauze to his palm. She wrapped tape around it a few times to make sure it'd stay in place and set it down gently.

"I think you did the right thing, Alec." Max said quietly from where he was leaning against the sink. He had been unusually quiet since they had come upstairs. The fight had shaken him up, never before witnessing their father's rage quite like that. "If you stood up to someone being bullied, then it was the right thing to do."

"Thank you, Max." Alec felt his heart warm with affection as he got up from his seat on the counter next to the sink and pulled his little brother into his side and kissed the top of his head. "I appreciate that."

"Do people really kill people just because they like boys?" Max's eyes were wide as he looked up as Alec. "I… I never knew that. Are you ever scared?"

"Max…" Alec didn't know where to begin on this one. He looked to Izzy first, and she looked just as horrified as he was to have to even touch on this. Before he could look at Jace the blonde was crouched in front of Max and had both his smaller hands tucked in his own.

"People kill people for all kinds of stupid reasons, and sometimes who they love is one of them. It's awful and it's something people are trying to change." Jace mustered up a grin as he put on a face of bravado. "Alec never needs to be afraid of people like that because he has Izzy and I around. We would never let anything happen to Alec, no matter what. Just like we'd never let anything happen to you."

"I don't know if you can never let anything happen," Max said softly. The four of them were quiet for a long moment. "Dad isn't a very good person, is he?"

"No Max, he isn't," Alec surprised all of them when he was the first to confirm. "Dad is a very complicated person, and I don't know why he does the things he does."

"That's okay though," Jace was the one to cut in at the crestfallen look on his young face. "You're the only person who gets to decide the kind of person you're going to be. Robert may not win Dad of the year award, but that doesn't mean you won't turn out better than anyone."

"Dad doesn't love us, or at least he doesn't act like it. I never knew he was so awful to you." Max looked to his older brother again. Alec sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He knew any day now Max was going to discover the darker parts of the world. Max was lucky he got to wait until he was fifteen, but to Alec it was still far too young. He wanted Max to stay the little boy full of hope and wonder, and to always believe in happy endings. He wanted his little brother to be running the halls on some adventure only he was narrator of. He missed playing pirates on his own huge bed with Max as the captain and Alec and Jace as his loyal crew. The days had been so simple back then.

"I don't know what to tell you, Max." Alec hugged him close to his chest. "I think Dad has a hard time loving anyone these days."

"Enough," Izzy finally broke her silence to gently part her brothers and shove Max towards the door lightly. "I don't want us to sit here dwelling about what an asshole Dad is. We have more important things in life. I know it's hard not to think about it Max, but it's easier to distract yourself with homework and things. Dad will either choose to come around, or he won't. There isn't a single thing we can do about it. "

"Okay, I get it," Max said softly, not looking happy but knowing his sister was right. "I'll see you guys in the morning."

"NIght Max!" The three of them softly chorused as they watched his slim form disappear. Jace was still crouched in the same spot staring at his hands, deep in thought. Isabelle collapsed on her bed and sighed deeply. The three of them had been through everything together, and they had always tried to keep Max out of it. They all loved to see him happy, and they never wanted him to discover the darker truths about Robert.

"I'm sorry," Alec said softly in the quiet room. He glanced at the back of Jace's head. "You're right. I should have stopped defending him a long time ago. He's so horrible to all of us. I just thought if I loved him enough that it would be returned or something like that. It was stupid. I was stupid."

"You aren't stupid," Jace said firmly, standing up to face him. He bit his bottom lip hard for a moment before continuing. "My father flat out abused me. He was into drugs and drinking, big time. I never really knew him sober I don't think. When he was high on weed or cocaine he was nice and we had fun. Then he'd open a bottle of scotch around six and I knew it was time to stay quiet and out of the way. My mother left when I was about five, and I don't blame her. She left me with him though, which is something I can't forgive her for." He took a shuddering breath as Alec and Izzy stared at him completely riveted. Jace never talked about the life he had before coming to live with them. Jace had been ten years old when his father had been murdered in a warehouse on a cold winter night. Maryse had been close with Stephen Herondale and had been listed as the next of kin for Jace long before they lost contact. "I made excuse after excuse for the way he treated me for years. I was so young, and I wanted him to love me. I did anything he asked of me, anything." He closed his eyes in abject horror for a moment. Alec couldn't even picture what a drunk man might ask a young boy to do.

"Every time he hit me I told myself it was my fault. Every time he told me I was worthless I believed him. He did things that I can't even tell you about, and I used to think it was okay. I used to think he could do nothing wrong. He pulled me out of school eventually when he lost his job. My father was my entire world for years." Jace finally turned his deep golden gaze to fix on Alec. His gaze was pained and held such darkness that Alec couldn't hope to see through. "I look at you and Robert, and it makes me afraid for you. You're the one still holding on, even after every time Robert calls you a fag, and tells you that he wants nothing to do with you. You're quiet, complacent, and you do all you can to make him happy. You make sure dinner is perfectly made every time he decides to come home. You make excuses for him when he misses a birthday, or one of my basketball games, or seeing Izzy cheer." Jace came forwards to put a hand on his shoulder and squeeze gently. "I understand why you do it, more than you know. I just don't want you to get hurt when reality sets in. One day you're going to figure out that he doesn't love you and that you can never make him happy. He isn't looking for your approval Alec. I'm not angry with you, hell I'd be a hypocrite if I was. I don't want him to have that much power to hurt you."

"Okay," Alec's throat was tight and his head was swimming. Hearing about his brother's life before they had met was hard to listen to. Jace had endured more than he could imagine, and yet it rang true to what was happening now. He felt another surge of rage towards Robert. Jace deserved better, and when Robert had signed the adoption papers he had promised to be that better. He leaned his head on Jace's chest and felt Jace's slim hand tangle in his hair to scratch at his scalp gently. Alec hummed softly and leaned into it gratefully.. Izzy watched them from her perch on the bed, her eyes wide.

"We should get to bed, it's late," Alec finally said when he sat up and looked at the clock. He gave a small grin to Jace who returned it before hugging him tightly. He disappeared to his room silently leaving Izzy and Alec alone.

"Did you have any idea about any of that?" Isabelle asked him softly. Alec shook his head.

"He never told me any of that. God, he's had a shit deal hasn't he?"

"You could say that. Was Dad awful to you?" She looked concerned now that it was only the two of them.

"No more than usual. He was simply very clear in how he felt about my kind of people," Alec felt a bit nauseous as he thought about their fight. "I need a favor."

"Sure," Izzy said amicably, sensing her brother wanted to drop the subject.

"Will Herondale, you have his number?"

"Pretty sure he's taken, dear brother. Though you do have good taste," She teased as she picked up her phone and scrolled through her contacts.

Alec rolled his eyes. "He's our drummer and I wanted to text him about practice."

"He's your drummer? That'll make you more popular than before. With the two of you on that stage it'll be smokin' in that room." She handed him her phone so he could put the number in his.

"Well, thanks. Goodnight Iz," He kissed her on the head before he went to his own room. He collapsed on his bed and dangled his feet in the air. He opened his messaging app on autopilot and typed out a generic message about the time and place of their next practice. He was about to hit send when he suddenly remembered just who Will happened to live with. He remembered why their audition had been cut short, and he had to know more.

Could I get Magnus's number? We met earlier today and I wanted to know if he was alright


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my wonderful readers! Yes another month has gone by and just now I get an update out, I'm so terrible. I'm sorry it took so long. December got crazy with writing gifts for people and just holidays in general. Then I went on vacation for a few weeks so I had no writii\ng tools. Now I'm back and completely invested in this fic. It's going to be amazing. Now before you click the back button, this is hardly the "they get together and everything is perfect fic" If you read my other fics you know that smooth sailing is not my style. I believe in happy endings, but the way to get there is a bitch.
> 
> So happy reading! Enjoy your Malec! The next update will definitely not take a month! By the angel I'm terrible.
> 
> One last thing, I don't have a beta for this story so I did my best editing. Please forgive mistakes you see

WIll cuddled under Jem's arm that night, finally feeling at peace after their long summer apart. They had skyped nearly every day, but it wasn't the same as being in his arms. He would never admit to missing being held, but it felt so nice after a long day of acting in control to give it all up to someone he trusted above anyone else in his life. He sighed softly and took a moment to just soak in the moment. It had been such a hectic day that he hadn't had one minute alone with Jem.

"So, I might have done a very good, or very bad, thing," Will started, in leiu of flat out admitting he missed his boyfriend each and every day since he left on that plane three months ago. Jem huffed an amused sigh and propped himself up on one elbow to look down at him. Will offered a sheepish grin as he rolled onto his back.

"What have you done?" A small smile pulled at the corners of Jem's mouth and Will could picture covering that smile with his mouth and dragging Jem's lower lip between his teeth.

That would have to wait just a bit longer.

"I gave a guy Magnus's number," Will confessed. Both of Jem's eyebrows shot up in surprise as a displeased look ghosted over his expressive features. If Will ever wanted to know what Jem was thinking he only had to look at him. He could read Jem's face like a book by now.

"You did what? Will, what were you thinking?" Jem sat up fully and ran a hand through his hair. Will followed and draped himself over Jem's side, not ready to lose his warmth yet.

"I was thinking that Alec seemed sincere enough, and that Magnus needs someone to focus on besides himself." Will held up his hands. "I'm not calling him a narcissist because he isn't. All I'm saying is that Magnus could use someone on his side."

"Magnus is hardly ready for a relationship right now." Jem said quietly, worry in his voice. Magnus had been quiet all night and while Ragnor had texted them to say Magnus wasn't okay they couldn't get Magnus to say anything about why he was upset. He kept insisting he didn't want to talk about it, and it drove all three of them crazy. Will had a feeling he would open up to Jem first, as he usually did.

"I didn't say it had to be a relationship," Will said innocently enough, though he wasn't blind to where Jem had come from with his comment. "Maybe Alec just wants to be friends?"

"A boy very rarely asks for another guy's number to be friends," Jem said dryly He flopped back down on his pillows and sighed deeply. "I guess there's nothing for it now except to see how Magnus takes this."

"Who doesn't like someone into them?" WIll asked, settling himself on Jem's chest comfortably. He felt his heart give a sigh as they still fit like they always did, two pieces of a puzzle. Somewhere along the last few months Will had had this irrational fear that they might have been bent enough to no longer fit.

"Magnus might like it, actually he probably will. I just don't know if he's capable of handling a relationship, even a simple one. He's still working on himself." Jem was biting his lip and Will couldn't resist leaning up and capturing his lips, replacing the other boy's teeth with his own. Jem sighed against his mouth and brought a hand up to cup the back of his neck. They kept their kisses light and soft, a conversation without words. Will's fierceness answered with Jem's calm, and Jem silently telling Will that he was back with him, and this time for good.

"I missed you," Will finally felt safe enough to say with his forehead pressed against his boyfriend's, his eyes closed, and their breath mingling in the inches between them. Jem kissed the corner of his mouth softly.

"Not nearly as much as I missed you." Jem brought Will's head down to rest on his shoulder again as they settled for the night. "Whatever happens with this Alec guy, we'll be here to help him."

"Alec better know he's a dead man if he so much as slights Magnus," Will said fiercely around a yawn. Jem laughed softly and pulled him close.

"Yes, we'll let him know." They both smiled and drifted off to sleep.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Magnus stared at the phone cushioned on the pillow next to him as if the device might jump up to bite him on the nose. He had gotten the text late last night and at first it puzzled him, before it completely terrified him. The words had been simple and caring, but Magnus didn't know the meaning behind them. He knew he had to reply, and he wanted to, but what the hell would he say? Alec was beautiful, and he had a wonderful family and even better friends. He'd been out since sophmore year, and Magnus had been jealous of him back then. When Alec had come out it had spread around the school very quickly. People whispered and talked about every aspect of it. How long had he been hiding in the closet? Did he have a boyfriend? How ddi gay boys even have sex? Were the Lightwoods really okay with it? Were the other siblings just like him?

It had all been stupid, idle chatter and as they stretched every day before gym class Magnus had watched him. At first Alec had been jumpy, nervous, and nearly obsessive about the endless whispers. As the weeks flew by and the semester came to an end Magnus had watched, still trapped as Margaret back then, as Alec slowly let himself laugh loudly again and joke with his friends no matter who was watching. He had looked so free and Magnus felt as if that might be when he had first decided he wanted to try becoming Magnus for real. It was when he started looking into injections and how to do it. Alec had been the one to inspire him to begin this treacherous road to happiness.

Now Alec had somehow gotten his number, and he wanted to talk to him.

Magnus picked up the phone and read the message again

Hi Magnus. This is Alec. I thought we could maybe talk?

It was such a simple and innocent message, but if he replied it would result in letting someone else in. That thought was terrifying. He liked his tiny world with his three friends, Ragnor, Raphael, and Catarina. They were all he needed really. Though sometimes he got pangs of loneliness he couldn't explain watching his three friends be disgustingly in love with each other all of the time. It was the quiet moments when they were watching a movie and the three of them were tangled on the couch while Magnus hugged a pillow that he felt most alone. He had never before focused on dating with how much he used to hate himself. Now he was slowly accepting who he was, and that led his thoughts other directions. If he wanted something he had never had, he would have to do something he had never done before.

Hi Alec, it's nice to hear from you. I fell asleep early last night.

The last part was a lie, but Alec need never know that. Magnus wanted to just stare at his phone until Alec replied, but he only had a half hour to be out the door for his second day of school. Part of him never wanted to go back, but another stupid part of him had this hope it would get better. Hope was cruel, and that lesson was the hardest to learn. Magnus bit his lip and stared at the phone before realizing Alec had nothing to really reply to. He sighed and grabbed his phone once again.

How much trouble did you get in yesterday?

There should be a thank you after that, but Magnus just wasn't ready to talk about that yet.

They were once again in the kitchen waiting for Will to finish getting ready so they could leave when his cell phone vibrated loudly against the table. Jem sent him a questioning look that Magnus avoided as he scooped up his phone.

I was up way too late last night, which is why I'm currently swearing at a McDonald's drive thru waiting for breakfast. They are taking ages.

Magnus smiled slightly as he read Alec's easy reply and hoped maybe they could at least be friends. That might be nice.

Everything takes ages when you're rushing. You're still pretty early. How far do you guys live from school?

Magnus absently stole a piece of bacon from Jem's plate and munched on it. The other boy was still looking at him with a curious look, but wasn't asking too much yet. He might be saving that job for WIll who would not hesitate to badger him until he got answers.

It's a long story but basically my sister's car wouldn't start and she always has to be early for something so we had to rush like crazy. Plus we were trying to avoid my father, which wasn't easy. Then we stopped at my uncle's and…. well anyways it's all a mess.

The second message came a heartbeat later.

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. It's only a few detentions. I hope you're dealing with it alright. That can't have been easy to play out all night long.

Or at least that's what I would do.

"Okay, I'm ready at last." Will came down slowly and looked like he'd rather be staying upstairs than going anywhere. Magnus knew very well Jem had everything to do with this fact. Magnus tucked his phone in his pocket, intending to answer the moment they got settled in the car.

"You're quiet babe, you okay?" James asked, taking Will's keys and sliding into the driver's seat before Will could protest. Will's relenting shrug proved something was not all well with him. Magnus kept quiet and resisted the urge to answer Alec. Will was much more important.

"I'm tired," Will's answer was short and dismissive as he ruffled his hair. "Not used to you stealing the covers."

"Since you were on top of me the entire night I find that hard to believe." With Magnus's choked laugh and Will's look Jem continued. "You always end up crawling on top of me when you're sleeping. What's going on?"

"Fine, I'm thinking of telling my dad everything." Will's statement made completely silence fall over the car. Telling Will's dad he was in a relationship with a man and a woman would probably do some serious damage. It wasn't so much one or the other, but most likely both together. None of their families knew about the three of them, and Magnus had figured it would just stay that way. Then again, he knew how liberating it could be to free yourself and be who you were.

"Will that make anything better?" Magnus asked, trying to weigh the pros and cons for his friend.

"I don't know," Will answered, texting someone on his phone. His fingers hitting the screen in choppy movements that made it clear he was agitated. "I just know we can't live like this forever. If he's going to hate me, or be disgusted, or whatever I'd rather he just do it now."

"It would be stupid to tell him now." Jem said calmly. He reached a hand to rest on Will's knee. "You need to make sure you're financially okay until school is over. It'd be foolish to throw all that away. We're just fine without him being any the wiser."

"What about after graduation?" Will demanded, his face closed off. "Are you going back to Japan?"

"You already know I'm not." Jem's voice was still calm, though Magnus thought he heard a tinge of nerves. "We've talked about it already. I'm staying with you and Tess."

"Okay, but my father already thinks I'm in a very serious relationship with Tessa. That I'm going to marry her after high school. How do I explain our third roommate?"

"Has he said that to you?" Magnus burst out, all thoughts of his buzzing phone gone. "He asked you if you were going to marry her already? You won't even be eighteen until March!"

"He brought it up, but he was teasing." Will sighed heavily. "It's just one day he won't be teasing anymore. One day he'll be serious and that isn't the day I want to tell him about you. I want him to know before that. It's not like you're going to disappear after high school."

"Sometimes I think it'd be easier if I did," Jem muttered as they pulled into the parking lot. Magnus felt his heart break at the words, though he knew Jem didn't mean it like it sounded. He only loved Will and Tessa so selflessly that he hated to make things harder for them. Jem's relationship with his parents was very distant, and barely there. Magnus knew he didn't really plan on talking to them after moving here permanently. His parents weren't crazy about how easily he assimilated to American culture and how he refused to only associate with people with his heritage. Jem respected and loved his culture, but he also loved everything the three of them had introduced him to over the last couple of years.

Magnus left them to their discussion upon arriving as he moved to the office to get his new schedule,texting Alec back since he was able to pull out his phone again.

Your morning sounds completely insane. How many siblings do you have? Do you have a huge family?

He bit his lip before sending his second message.

I'm coping better than I expected. The initial shock was hard, but I have a few good people to get me through.

It was more than he would ordinarily tell anyone outside of his circle of friends, but texting Alec was taking a chance. He wanted to take some kind of chance this year, and pray it would end up the way he wanted. The trouble was he wasn't too sure what he wanted to come of this.

He was shocked to see Alec himself standing at the desk waiting for the lady running the desk to run off a copy of his revised schedule after losing math. He had a very sour look on his face as he glared at the back of the woman's head. Magnus took the moment to let the butterflies flutter as he recognized how beautiful Alec was once again. The early rays of the sun glinted off of him, making shadows on the planes of his face. That jawline was enough to make anyone come undone, and Magnus was weak for it. His blue eyes glinted, though Magnus noted they were darker today with a different kind of anger than the passionate fight they had held yesterday afternoon.

"Hi," Magnus said, his voice cracking nervously. He cleared his throat and ducked his head. Alec's head snapped around and a grin appeared on his face, clearing any darkness from his beautiful blues.

"Hey, fancy meeting you here." Alec turned to the tray balanced on a chair and held up a cup to him. "I actually brought you a coffee. I thought you might like a kickstart to the day. I'm sure you didn't have the best night."

"It was my birthday yesterday," Magnus found himself blurting as he numbly took the cup. Alec seemed to know him too well already. The look in his eyes said that he had a very good idea of what Magnus had been feeling since yesterday afternoon. "I mean, thank you for the coffee."

"That's an awful thing to go through on your birthday. I think I hate her more now. I guess consider the coffee your very lame birthday present?" Alec stopped him with a warning before he had a chance to take his first sip. " It's actually a caramel mocha, just so you aren't expecting black coffee. Izzy said it was the best drink they had. I drink my coffee black," He offered a sheepish grin that made Magnus's knees feel weak.

"Can I help you?" The blonde woman behind the desk broke their conversation as she stared pointedly at Magnus. Magnus offered a tiny grin at Alec as he stepped up to the desk.

"Sorry, I need a new schedule printed. The last name is Bane." Magnus told her quietly and immediately she was typing in keys and zooming off to get the paper from the printer. Alec stood waiting for him patiently which made Magnus's stomach do another pleasant flip.

"Here you go, Margaret!" The woman read off cheerily. Magnus felt his breath catch and his body tense as once again that name was thrown at him. He looked up at her to see a knowing glint in her eyes and he knew her slip wasn't by accident. He wasn't sure he could put up with this every day for the next nine months.

"It's Magnus, Connie," Alec snapped as he nearly ripped the paper out of her hand. "If you want to be a bigoted bitch like my father that's fine, but at least do your job. Everyone knows he goes by Magnus."

"Mr. Lightwood," She started to say, but Magnus didn't hear the rest of it as he was steered firmly back into the busy hallway by Alec's hand on his elbow. The hallway was much more crowded and Magnus only felt closed in with the traffic of hundreds of students. He tried to calm his racing heart and he let Alec lead him to a quiet locker bay off to the side. Magnus looked up to find he was right by his own locker, and then he realized it was definitely not a coincidence.

"Why do you get so angry?" Magnus found himself asking the question that had been on his mind since the night before. Alec shrugged and put a hand in his pocket while scuffing his shoe against the bottom of the locker.

"It's not right how much they disrespect you. They should call you whatever you want to be called. That's the only thing you're asking them to do and it's so simple. I'm just so sick of people being so awful to people different from them. Connie was doing it on purpose because she's a bitch She's friends with my dad, and he's the biggest ass on the planet. " Alec cut himself off and took a deep breath. "I just have this instinct to protect people. I'm sorry if it makes you feel weird or-"

"It's great," Magnus admitted, not wanting Alec to feel like he was ungrateful. "Yesterday you were amazing, and I don't know what I would have done if she would have kept talking. Thank you for doing that. I've never met anyone besides my closest friends that would ever be willing to do anything like that. I felt safe." Magnus said the last bit in a whisper, but the light in Alec's eyes somehow let him know he had heard.

"I guess I'll be seeing you a lot more," Alec handed his schedule to him, a little wrinkled from the rough handling. "It looks like our schedules line up more often. We have English, History, and lunch together now."

Magnus had a moment of panic where he thought his lunch hour had changed, but gave a tiny sigh of relief when he realized Alec's must have changed instead. "You can sit with us if you like, unless you want to sit with your sister."

"Not really," Alec said with a laugh. "I don't think she even sits down to eat because she's always talking to so many people. I"ll get Jace to sit with us, he'd enjoy a break from her."

"That'll be good," Magnus offered him a true smile this time as he straightened up to open his locker. "I'll be seeing you later then."

"Sure," Alec offered a wave as he disappeared quickly among the groups of students. The same affectionate smile was on Magnus's face as he organized his things for the day. Whatever Alec turned out to be to him, Magnus had a feeling it would be good.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

"I can't do this," Alec said succinctly as he leaned on the wall outside the cafeteria. Simon was watching him with an expression far too amused to be fair. "Seriously, Simon, I can't do this."

"You do know you bought the guy coffee, right? Without even asking him or knowing him one bit? It'd probably be higher on the creeper scale if you don't go get to know him. He invited you to sit with them after all. You even have Jace for back up." Simon was smirking slightly at his far too dramatized dilemma.

"I have no right to bring someone like Magnus into a life like mine," Alec summarized his feelings in one sentence. Simon's smirk fell off his face in a split second. "He is a transgender boy who is barely out to other people and I'm about to bring him into my life which is a disaster most of the time. It's not like he'd ever get to meet my father and survive. I mean he was bad enough to Jonathan and Jon was the perfect all American boy. He's white, and a football star, and well built. He's smart and at a good college. All of that and my father still hated him."

"You sound insane," Simon told him firmly as he took Alec by the shoulders. "You met this kid yesterday, or this morning really, and already you're thinking about bringing him home to meet your dad? Look, in a year you won't ever have to talk to Robert again. Your dad shouldn't even be meeting your partners if he's going to act like that. Just do what he wants you to and leave him out of that entirely. The only family any boyfriend of yours should meet is your siblings and maybe your uncle. " Simon sighed and Alec knew he wasn't hiding his feelings well. "This isn't going to end like it did with Jonathan."

"It can't," Alec said firmly. "I'm not going to be responsible for destroying him."

"Alec!" Izzy voice startled both of them to look at the courtyard entrance where she was slipping in the door. "Are you in our lunch now?"

"Hi Iz," Alec said with a grin, hoping not to betray his ridiculous nerves. Simon was right, this was only lunch with the guy. They weren't involved, and they might never get to that point. He could only see Magnus as a friend, even if he was the most gorgeous guy Alec had ever seen. "I got moved to this lunch, yeah. I'm guessing you have your normal twenty people to talk to."

"It's only about down to eight now," Isabelle said with a 'you caught me' smile. "I can sit with you after that!"

"Sure, but I'm going to sit with Magnus and his friends," Alec explained to her. "I'm planning on bringing Jace along so feel free to join us."

"Magnus is hilarious," Izzy grinned in memory. "I sit in front of him in Gov and he makes so many wonderful, dry comments. He is the only reason I'm staying sane in that class."

"Oh, right, he does know you," Alec muttered to himself. "Good, then if things are awkward you can jump in."

"Can I help you?" Her tone had changed from light and friendly to heavy and laden with sarcasm in an instant as she noticed Simon lingering around. Simon let shock creep onto his features for only a moment before he smoothed his expression to be unreadable. This was the tone she usually reserved for particularly unpleasant people, such as their cousin Gideon.

"You interrupted our conversation," Simon said abruptly with a frown. He folded his arms tightly and gave her a measured look through his wiry frames.

"Oh I'm sure it was so terribly important," She rolled her eyes and placed a slender hand on her hip. "Don't you have class to get to?"

"See you Alec," SImon muttered, shooting him a look that Alec couldn't fully read. Alec frowned after him and caught his sister's wrist before she could flounce away and act like nothing happened.

"It's about time you explain that mess to me Iz," Alec said sternly. "He's my best friend I'll remind you and I'm not fond of people who treat him like shit for no reason."

"How do you know there isn't a reason?" She shot back defensively. Alec sighed and folded his arms.

"If there was a reason you would tell me about it. This is on your part, not his. Simon has been going crazy since you called him back at the end of June. You haven't told me one damn thing about it since it happened." Alec had tried to stay out of the matter so far, but he had a feeling that was coming to an end. "Look, I don't care if you don't want to be with him anymore, but you can't treat him like that. He's going to be around, and he's going to still be one of my best friends."

His sister put her long hair up in a ponytail as she gave him a look that would have been fit to kill if he hadn't been her brother.. "Don't have him around me and I won't be a bitch to him. It's as simple as that."

"Does he have to hate you just because you two aren't fucking anymore?" Alec snapped. "He isn't your play thing you can drop when you get bored. I don't know why you decided to call him in the middle of our trip to L. A., but he is just as lost as I am about it. He has no idea what he did wrong. There is such a thing as being civil instead of hot or cold."

"I'll talk to you later Alec," Izzy turned away from him, biting her lip and scanning the crowd for whoever she had to find next. "I'll find you at Magnus's table."

"Fine," Alec knew there would be no further conversation about it for the time being with her. The break up was a complete mystery to absolutely everyone except for Isabelle. No one else had a single clue why their well working relationship suddenly ended up in shambles. Alec wished he knew what to tell his friend, or that he could solve where Simon had gone wrong, but he didn't have a single thing to say on the matter. One day they were skyping, seemingly happy, and the next day Izzy would no longer speak to him.

Alec grabbed a sandwich from the crazy zoo of a lunch line before he started scanning around for Magnus. He couldn't explain why his stomach seized with nerves as he saw him munching on some fries and jello several tables away. He was chatting with the girl who had come to Will's drummer audition that played on the volleyball team. She was hiding her smile behind a book as her shoulders shook with laughter. Magnus wore the smallest of smiles, but it still made Alec's heart race to see even the hint. He hadn't had a crush like this in a long time, and he had forgotten the kind of rush it brought.

"Hey," Alec felt stupid invading on their lunch for only a moment before Magnus's smile grew upon seeing him and he immediately scooted his chair over to make room for him.

"Alec!" Magnus immediately seemed to curb the enthusiasm in his voice as he greeted the other teen.. He cleared his throat and tried once more as Alec slowly sat down in the indicated chair "Tess, this is Alec. We, um, well we met yesterday."

"He's the lead singer for Will's band." Tessa gave him a smile. "Hi again Alec, it seems we keep getting more mutual friends."

"I guess this school is smaller than it seems sometimes," Alec offered her a smile as he started to unwrap his sandwich. He dove into the first topic that popped into his mind, no matter how mundane. "Are you guys doing track for your first unit in P.E. too?"

"Yes," Magnus's displeasure was evident in his voice. "We got hauled out first period to run the track. I don't run before eight in the morning."

"Magnus, you don't run at all," Tessa pointed out with a laugh. Magnus nodded in agreement as he joined in her laughter. Alec was going to say something, but when Magnus started laughing his thoughts left him and his breath caught all over again. It was quiet, since everything about the gorgeous teen was quiet, but it was light and so pleasant to hear. Alec shook his head and came back into the conversation. He couldn't be becoming this smitten with a guy he didn't know.

"It's better than having it in winter, we did that last year," Alec shuddered at the memory of running through mud on every day it wasn't raining and the constant battle between being too hot while running and too cold with the wind biting any bit of exposed skin.

"Okay, that might be worse," Magnus agreed as he thought about it. He had a smudge of ketchup at the corner of his mouth, and it was certainly doing things to Alec's brain as he could only imagine licking it off. "You never answered how many siblings you had? Your text implied you had more than just your gorgeous sister." Alec noticed that Tessa had discreetly returned to reading her book which gave them some resemblance of privacy.

"Right," Alec's nerves calmed with the topic he could talk about in his sleep. His family was the only topic he enthused about, besides music. "I have three. Izzy is my twin as a matter of fact, but I will say I'm older by seven minutes."

"Every minute counts, right?" Magnus said with that tiny grin of his, clearly mocking him.

"You wouldn't imagine how much it counts when you have a twin," Alec told him seriously. "Then we have Jace, who is my adopted brother of almost eight years. He's younger than us by about six months. Then we have Max, he's the youngest. He just started as a freshman this year."

"Alexander!" Alec started at the sharp tone saying his name loud enough to be heard over the din of the cafeteria. He spun around to see Aline storming towards him, which was most surprising. Alec couldn't remember the last time Aline had been angry with him. They always got along and he could count on her being on his side.

"Is this bad?" Magnus asked quietly, seeing the whirlwind heading their way.

"I don't know yet," Alec murmured as he stood up to meet her. Aline's dark bob was tucked behind her ears and her face was shrouded in anger. When she stood up to him she barely reached his chin, but Alec knew well her temper wasn't one to underestimate.

"I am so sick of your sister being a bitch," Aline began forcefully as she placed one hand on her hip. "Simon walked into class today nearly in tears because of your bitch of a sister. First she dumps the guy out of nowhere when Simon is in love with her, and then she can't even stand to be civil to him in the hall. I mopped up the pieces of Simon all summer while you were gone, but I'm done with it. You need to tell your sister to start treating people decently."

"I've already talked with her," Alec said with his hands up to ward her off. "I agree with you, Aline. She is being completely irrational."

"I know how your 'talks' with her go," Aline told him with a look that said his efforts clearly weren't good enough. "You pry with maybe two questions and at the first signs of bitch Izzy coming to play you back off completely. This is Simon, and Simon is important. She is breaking his heart over and over into a million pieces."

"Look," Alec was starting to get frustrated with the situation, and especially how he was getting the blame for how other people treated each other. "Something is going on with Izzy, but I don't know what it is yet. My sister is also important in this situation. Simon has every right to be upset, and I know he's upset. When you were with Helen, who do you think he called?"

"I love your sister," Aline said with a sigh, knowing after years of friendship that insulting Alec's sister was no way to get anywhere. "I've known her for ages, but I hate the person she's being right now. I just don't understand what happened."

"None of us understand," Alec was infinitely glad Aline had calmed down from screaming at him. "I don't think Izzy even really understands. I don't know if she won't talk about it because she'll get upset, or if she doesn't really know what's going on either. Normally she tells me everything about this kind of stuff. She isn't pissed off at him, and she isn't sad."

"It could be because the other party is Simon," Aline pointed out smartly. Alec had considered this, but they had a closer relationship than that. Even when things had only been starting between them last year Alec had gotten every last detail to what was happening.

"She hasn't said a word to Jace about any of it either." Alec ran a hand through his hair. "Aren't you supposed to be in class?"

"I went to the bathroom," Aline replied with a smirk. "I'm sorry I attacked you, but when Simon walked in looking like that again it just pissed me off. I mean break ups are a bitch for everyone, but it just seems like she's dragging this out more than it has to be. I can't see Simon start crying over her again, I can't. He's taking this way too hard. He's completely convinced he's the one that messed everything up. It doesn't help that everyone in this damn school thought he had no chance with her to begin with."

"I'll talk to Simon," Alec felt guilt well up that he wasn't the one with intimate knowledge of how Simon was coping. He had talked about it with his best friend of course, but that had been months ago over Skype. At the time Alec had been trying to distract him more than hash the situation out. "I promise I'll talk to him. He should know he's worth a lot more than that to all of us."

"Good, maybe you can get through his thick head then." Aline leaned forwards to hug him. "I better get back to class because I know Helen has already texted me at least once."

"Get out of here already," Alec said as he shoved her away with a grin. Her short, slim figure slipped out through the crowd of students. He flopped back down in his chair to find Tessa and Magnus both staring at him.

"Well, you two have an interesting friendship dynamic," Tessa observed, putting down her book at last and tucking into the salad Will had brought over. Alec hadn't even noticed his newest band member show up during their discussion.

"Aline's temper is always more of a flare," Alec explained, no longer interested in food. He pushed his sandwich away from him. "It goes up quickly, but always dies down just as fast. Um, sorry you guys had to hear all of that."

"So, your sister dated Simon," Will said slowly, putting the pieces together. Tessa nudged him and shot him a look to shut up, but he paid her no mind as he delved into what was going on. "Then your sister dumped Simon, and Simon is majorly hung up on her still. Yet no one seems to know what is really going on here."

"Will, stop getting into people's business," Magnus told his friend with his green eyes still on Alec. Alec couldn't begin to guess what that intense gaze meant, and he hoped Magnus didn't already think his life was crazy. If he did, then he hadn't even skimmed the surface.

"No, it's alright. I guess he should kinda know what's going on if he's in the band." Alec turned to look at Will, still not fully comfortable with how alike they truly looked. "Yes, Simon and Izzy dated until this summer. Izzy broke up with him while we were on vacation and she hasn't been exactly nice to him since. Neither of them will really talk about what happened so we're all in the dark. "

"So, is Izzy around when we play?" Will asked, looking slightly uncomfortable. "I can see that not being the best of situations.."

"I don't know if she'll come," Alec felt a sick feeling in his stomach thinking about his sister actually missing one of his shows. She normally never did unless she had cheer practice late. "She knows to be respectful when we play. She won't cause problems there."

"Right, well I guess that's all that matters," Will sat back decisively and pulled out a battered old copy of Oliver Twist. "I'm going to be catching up on reading for English."

"Isn't that Jem's?" Tessa gestured with her fork to the battered book Will held. Will bit his lip and wouldn't look at her.

"Yes, it does happen to belong to jem." Will scratched the back of his neck with the eraser of a pencil.

"Did you forget to ask permission to borrow that?" Magnus asked with a grin, obviously already knowing the answer. The smile this time spread across his entire face and it made Alec smile reflexively as well. His new goal was to make that smile appear when it was just the two of them.

"I nicked it from his bag," Will confessed. "I forgot to buy one from the bookstore again and this has to be read by class today. If I get behind now I'll never catch up."

"Good luck with that," Tessa told him with a shake of her head. "Jem is very particular about people borrowing his books. You can't have fries reading that!" She took the liberty of swatting Will's wandering hand away from Magnus's fries.

"I wasn't about to share either way," Magnus muttered making Alec laugh softly.

"True, if I get grease on his book he really won't ever speak to me again," Will said mostly to himself as he tucked his hand back in his mess of black hair. Tessa perked up and put her fork down, pushing her plate away from her.

"Wait, are you two not speaking?" Tessa's face was a picture of anxiety. Magnus groaned quiet enough for only Alec to hear.

"Is this bad?" Alec whispered, a mirror of their earlier impending disaster.

"Most definitely," Magnus replied, sending his heart stopping smile Alec's way for the first time. Alec immediately knew that would be his favorite part of the day.

"Well, Jem is irritated with me," Will told her, trying to play down the situation. "Actually, he could be talking to me now. I haven't seen him since we got here this morning to be honest."

"He isn't here," Tessa pointed out. "I thought he'd show when you did, but now I guess I know he is just angry with you. Did you have a fight?"

"It was just a disagreement." Will lost hope of reading just now and Alec did not envy his position with the way Tessa looked. He may not have ever had a girlfriend, but his sister had taught him that that look was not a good one.

"You didn't think to tell me about said disagreement?" Tessa asked. Alec read a mix of hurt and anger on her face.

"It isn't important really," Will muttered. Magnus sighed and looked like he'd rather be anywhere else just now.

"If Jem isn't even speaking to you then I'm thinking it's rather important." Tessa didn't seem to want to let it go until she got to the bottom of things.

"It's just a little fight Tess, nothing to worry about. I'm sure he's over it by now."

"What did you say to him?" Tessa demanded, folding her arms tightly.

"Why do you always assume I start things?"

"Because you always do, William!" Tessa was becoming increasingly upset and it left Alec a bit confused. He wasn't sure why Tessa cared quite this much about a fight between her other friends. Will didn't seem concerned about the whole thing, so surely they would just work it out between them?

"I don't always start it," WIll snapped at her. "I didn't offend him or anything. I just presented an idea to him that he didn't agree with."

"Why do you have to be so damn vague? Why can't you just tell me what is going on?" Tessa's anger had left her and all that seemed to be left was hurt.

"I don't want to talk about it. It isn't any of your business honestly," Will said wearily, truly looking like the last thing he wanted was to rehash whatever argument he had had earlier with Jem.

"I am your girlfriend, and I don't see how it's not my business if the two men I love are fighting!" Tessa burst out, frustrated. Her breath caught after she said it as her eyes snapped to Alec. Will's eyes also darted to Alec nervously, but Alec had missed what was so horrible about what she said. Tessa seemed to care unusually much, but then again if his friends were fighting he'd probably be in the middle of things as well. Of course she loved her friends, unless she meant something more?

"Nice going Tessa," Will snapped at her again. "Are you happy now? When I tell you to stay out of it, just stay out of it next time!"

"If you were half this horrible to Jem then no wonder he isn't speaking to you!" Tessa gathered her things in her arms haphazardly. "Consider neither of us speaking to you now!"

"Wait, Tess!" WIll called after her, but she was already long gone as she darted through the students. Silence fell over their table for a long moment before the bell rang which spurred them all into movement. Will disappeared quickly, leaving Magnus and Alec alone at last.

"Well that was-" Alec fiddled with the straps of his bag as he stood up.

"-a disaster," Magnus finished for him. The taller boy had his small smile on his face again as he looked down at Alec. "Home is going to be hell tonight."

"Home?" Alec's brow furrowed in confusion. "Wait, Will isn't your brother right?"

"No, thank God," Magnus said with a chuckle. "I couldn't deal with that mess for a sibling. We live in the same house, and so does Jem. Tessa still lives with her parents for the time being."

"You have your own apartment already?" Alec was impressed and slightly jealous. He'd give anything to be out of his house with a bunch of his friends.

"No that won't come until after graduation," Magnus said as he adjusted his bag higher on his shoulder. "We live with a guardian, kinda. He's a good friend of mine who is quite a bit older and he lets us crash with him and his roommate. Will's dad helps them afford this huge house for the lot of us. " Alec must have still looked confused since Magnus laughed again and waved a hand. "It's a complicated situation."

"I'll take your word for it," Alec said as nerves gripped him again. He wanted to ask Magnus out properly, on a date. He saw his brother's blonde bobbing towards them and knew he only had seconds to get this out before they were interrupted again. "Do you want to go grab a bite to eat sometime, just the two of us?"

"W-what?" Magnus stuttered softly, his golden green eyes wide and shocked. "Like, um, a date?"

"Yeah, like a date," Alec tried to keep his breathing even as it felt like his heart had stopped beating entirely. This could either be his best or worst idea yet.

"When?" Mangus still looked completely shocked as his hands hung completely slack by his side and his gaze fixed on Alec. Had he never been asked on a date before? Surely being this gorgeous someone had shown interest in him?

"Well since we have our gig at Bounce taking up tomorrow night, how about tonight? I can text you later and we can figure out a time?" Alec felt his stomach unclench just a little as it seemed he had gotten a yes.

"Are you picking me up and everything?" Magnus couldn't seem to wrap his head around the whole idea. "I'm not free til probably about seven."

"Seven sounds good for me. I have band practice and then I have to get my siblings organized." Alec let out a relieved sigh. "I"ll see you later then."

"Alec!" Jace had reached them at last and their moments of alone time were over. "You didn't even bother to tell me you were in this lunch hour?"

"Bye then," Magnus said softly with a small, awkward wave. Alec's heart melted as he offered a tiny wave back, already being dragged off by Jace. He could hardly believe he had a date tonight after only meeting the guy yesterday. Was he insane? Or was this just like all those movies where people meet and click together right away? Did that happen in real life? Would the two of them even possibly work?

Alec had no answers, but he was more than ready to find out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!!! So I think I've decided to make the chapters a bit shorter so I can get them to you a bit faster and not so irregurlarly. So this chapter we have Lightwood family drama, everyone loves that right? Then we have a first date!!! We get more insight that Alec is not nearly as put together as Magnus believes he is. Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone reading this story and offering me your feedback!! Please let me know what you like and what you don't so i can make the next chapter even better!! You guys are the best and keep me motivated! Love you guys and please review if you can!!! 
> 
> And of course, happy reading :)

Despite the date lingering on the horizon, Alec really wanted this day to be over. Isabelle had taken forever to be ready to leave after school, and after dropping her off at the gym he could finally go home with his grumpier than usual siblings. They all hated when Isabelle made them wait for her, and today had been particularly bad. It didn’t help that it was a Friday night and all three of them were ready for the weekend.

“Who are you texting?” Alec asked his little brother as they climbed out of the car. Max refused to move his eyes from the screen as he typed away with one hand and felt around for his bag with the other. Alec had never seen him like this, normally it was his other two siblings running into things because of their refusal to part from their phone screens.

“There’s an outside world here,” Jace teased him as he shoved the bag into his arms. Max stuck his tongue out before returning to his phone. “You got a girlfriend already, Max? Do we have a casanova on our hands?”

“I’m texting Mike,” Max said, nearly snapping at his older brother’s teasing. “I’m trying to figure out this weekend.”

“What about it?” Alec fiddled with the front door key, the door being ancient and the key being temperamental. “Are you going out with Mike this weekend?”

“I’m going to stay with him,” Max replied as he shoved his phone in his pocket and hurried inside after his older brothers. The days may still have a mild air to them, but the nights were already starting to get cold. “I don’t want to be here right now.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Jace asked as the three of them went upstairs to put away their things for the night. “You don’t want to be with us?”

“Were you even here last night?” Max was looking at his brothers like he had never seen them before. “Did you guys forget what happened?”

“If you’re talking about the way Dad acted,” Alec began, not entirely ready to have this conversation, but he couldn’t say he was surprised it was already here. 

“What else could I be talking about?” Max’s voice had risen in volume in the face of their calm demeanors.

“Look, you need to not take Robert personally.” Jace stood in his doorway pulling on a fresh shirt to go out with Clary. “I know this is awful for you, but it’s been going on awhile Max. He’s generally pretty horrible. You won’t need to worry about him until at least tomorrow or Sunday. He’ll find someone to go home with.”

“To go home with?” Max had paled at these words. Alec silently cursed Jace’s loose tongue and wished he could have never told Max about the kind of man his father really was. “You mean Dad’s been sleeping with other people? Regularly?”

“It’s not like they’re about to be your new mom,” Jace still seemed very unconcerned about Max’s reaction and Alec desperately wished he would shut up already. “They’re just people to pass time with.”

“You told me that they were working things out?!” Max had now turned on Alec, his dark brown eyes blazing with anger and hurt. “Why would you tell me that when Dad is busy sleeping with other people?”

“That was a long time ago I told you that,” Alec said as he felt his heart begin to pound. “You were so upset after mom had been gone awhile. I had to tell you something.”

“It was only six months ago,” Max’s throat was working furiously as he tried to remain calm. “Mom’s been gone nearly two years by now and you told me they were trying to work things out. Why would you lie to me, Alec?”

“He only wanted to keep you from knowing your parents hate each other,” Jace said casually. He was dressed and ready to go in a matter of moments. Alec reluctantly followed as Max ended up following Jace downstairs as the blonde went to get a drink

“You weren’t exactly truthful with me either,” Max told his older brother, confronting Jace against the counter. “I thought you were always straight with me.”

“You know that nauseous feeling you have right now?” Jace gestured to Max with the glass he was holding. “We were trying to not make you feel that way because it’s fucking awful. It’s not exactly fun having inside knowledge.”

“So everyone has been in on what’s going on except for me,” Max looked torn between being angry and devastated. “You let me keep on hoping that his late night calls were to Mom when they were probably only to some stupid blonde he met. Dad doesn’t care about any of us, does he? I want the truth this time.” His dark eyes were fixed on Jace and while Alec loved Jace for many, many things his blunt honesty wasn’t one of them. He held his breath and waited for the bomb to drop the way it had on him almost two years ago.

“Robert Lightwood is a man who is only out for himself,” Jace said steadily as he held Max’s gaze. “I don’t think he has any interest in being a father to any of us. He’s counting the days until he’s rid of the lot of us. Your brother works endlessly to keep the peace with him, and it works for the most part.”

The deafening silence was broken by the buzz of Max’s phone. Alec could tell he was so close to tears and he wanted to go to him. The only thing was he wasn’t sure he’d be welcome just then. He had lied, and he couldn’t deny that. It was just that he didn’t want Max knowing the things he did. He didn’t want Max to feel the way he did every single day. 

“I’m going to stay with Mike for the weekend,” Max told them firmly. “I can’t be here when Dad’s around right now. I just can’t look at him with everything going on. I need to be away from him.”

“You can’t just leave,” Alec told him, his voice cracking as a panic he couldn’t identify started to fill him. “Nobody else in this family is leaving.”

“I’ll be back on Monday, Alec.“ Max turned to leave, but Alec caught him gently by the wrist. His eyes matched Izzy’s and their mother’s. Alec had seen the same determination in their mother before she packed her bags for Los Angeles. Rationally Alec knew Max was only leaving because he was hurt and confused, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of loss that penetrated him. 

“You don’t leave when things get hard Max, that’s why you have a family. We stick together through things.”

“You and Jace are both going out tonight with people. Izzy never has two minutes to spend with anyone. I’m not about to sit here and wait for my father to come home who I can’t even look at right now.” Max tugged his arm away and before either of them could say anything more he was up the stairs and likely packing his bags. 

Jace was leaning against the sink and looking out the windows into the darkness. Alec ran both hands through his hair a few times until he felt he could speak again. 

“Why would you say that to him?” Alec’s voice was hoarse and quiet as he fought the urge to throttle the blonde ten feet from him.

“After last night, what would be the point in lying? Robert obviously doesn’t care that he knows, so why should anyone else? Over the last year Robert has lost all pretense of being who he is supposed to.” Jace let out a long breath and his golden eyes looked no better than Alec imagined his did. “Alec, I didn’t want him to know either, but lying wasn’t working. He had to know.”

“He isn’t even fifteen yet, “ Alec was breathing heavily as he paced in front of the fireplace. “Max is too young to be dealing with this. We can barely deal with it and we’re years older than he is. You can’t just tell him Dad doesn’t care.”

“How long do you really think it will be before Max will make some choice against Robert’s conservative bullshit?” Jace stepped forwards towards him and tried to make Alec look at him. “How long is it going to be before he attacks him next over some choice or another? I’m not going to let Robert crush him the way he did to you.”

“I’m fine,” Alec told him. “I’m dealing with it. When I’m older and we have our own lives things will be better. He’ll stop letting us down and things will be fine. If we let Max leave now, then he will know that’s what you do when things get hard.”

“Are you fucking delusional?” Jace now had him by the shoulders and Alec’s mind was spinning so fast he couldn’t read the look on his best friend’s face. “It is never going to be some happy ending for your family. Do you seriously plan on talking to Robert after graduation? We need to get out of here and never look back. Do you forget what he said to you last night?”

“All he told me was that he didn’t want me to talk about my partners. That’s fine, really. I have a million more things we can talk about besides that.” Alec had folded his arms tightly against his stomach as he sank down on the couch. 

“He hates everything you love,” Jace sat next to him. “He hates the way you love. He hates your music. He has no respect for your mother or your sister. He’s never going to accept your partners, whoever they are. There is nothing for you two to talk about.”

“Hey kids,” A quiet voice broke their conversation as Michael came around the corner with two pizza boxes. “Max, um, texted me.”

“Stop telling him your shit,” Jace stood up angrily as he gestured to Alec, who hadn’t even looked up at Mike’s entrance. “Stop telling him that Robert loves him and that he’ll come around. Stop giving all of them that kind of hope.”

“I will not,” MIke said with a frown. “I know Robert, and he’s just going through a hard time. I know he loves his kids a lot.”

“I know men like Robert,” Jace was furious and Alec only felt sick to his stomach. His entire day had been completely horrible,lunch with Magnus aside, and this was frosting on the cake. “I know the games they play. Sure, people like Robert might come around when they want something, but as soon as they get it they’re gone again! Since Maryse left, Robert has not done one kind thing for us. He always works every holiday. He forgets all of our birthdays for the most part. When he remembers we only get a wad of cash in our accounts. We can barely even get him to sign papers for school, and even then he doesn’t want to know what they’re for. Tell me how that adds up to him loving us?”

“I’m so tired of all of this,” Alec said quietly. “I don’t want to think about him anymore. I don’t want to wait for him to talk to me one day. I want to just give up, and not care about him anymore. Stop making me care.”

“Alec, you care because he’s your father.” Mike told him as he set the boxes on the couch and went to sit next to him.

“He’s destroyed all of us,” Alec got up and reached for a jacket he kept by the back door. “Take care of Max, please. Make sure he’s alright, and he has fun. I’m leaving for the night.”

“Maybe you all should come over,” Mike suggested as he looked between them. “You guys are all worked up about this and maybe we should all watch some movies together and relax.”

“I’m not worked up because I don’t give a shit anymore about what that bastard thinks or says to me,” Jace said easily. “I have Clary, and she’s all I need. I’m good.”

“Izzy isn’t home,” Alec said to Mike slowly with his hand on the doorknob. “She’ll get a cab home later. I have a date that I don’t want to miss. I’ll see you later.”

Before Alec could think twice about anyone inside his house he got in his car and sped as fast as he could towards the city lights. He wanted a night away from all of this. Magnus was wonderful, nice, and safe. Magnus wasn’t the type to lie to him, and let him down. Magnus was kind, and knew what it was like to have a raw deal. 

At least he hoped Magnus was all of those things because he really needed him to be. Alec needed someone to keep him sane when he felt like everything was spinning completely out of his control. 

MBALMBALMBAL

The walk to Raphael’s office seemed to take three times as long as it usually did. 

Magnus’s head was buzzing with thoughts about Alec and about the fact he was about to go on an actual date with him. Alec had everything so together and so in control. His life wasn’t a spiraling mess. What did he want with a guy like him? Magnus could barely hold it together for a week most of the time before he went into a downward mood again and could barely get out of bed. He was on medication, but even that didn’t help all the time. The date would go fine, but what about after? Did Alec know what it would be like being with a trans man? Did he know sex would likely be the weirdest thing in the world for him? Did he know Magnus was absolutely terrified of anyone seeing his body? 

Magnus had too many questions, and he had never thought of the answers. He had never imagined himself to be in a relationship for years still. He never thought it’d be so soon that a boy would look at him like Alexander did. It made his heart skip a beat, but at the same time it made him panic. He should have waited to have surgery before trying to be in a relationship. Then again, he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to have surgery. It wasn’t easy to get and he would never have that kind of money. 

He didn’t remember giving his name to the familiar woman at the desk out front and only when he was in Raphael’s office did his mind start to make him aware of what’s going on. Raphael laid one hand on the side of his neck and the other on his arm. He waited for Magnus to focus his eyes before speaking.

“Stop thinking and talk to me,” Raphael said calmly as if this was the most normal thing in the world. Magnus figured that maybe he wasn’t too high on his therapist’s crazy scale. Sometimes Raphael was the only person who didn’t make him feel insane. 

“I have a date tonight,” Magnus blurted out as the usual butterflies came to life in his stomach. Despite his one million and one worries and doubts, he wanted this more than anything. “I have a date with a boy tonight.”

“Are you okay with that?” Raphael asked, still not moving from holding Magnus in one spot and keeping his mind focused. 

“I don’t know?” Magnus furrowed his brow as the confusion came back. “I want to be okay with it. He’s a very wonderful person. I’ve actually liked him for a long time.”

“Are we talking Margaret times?” Raphael slowly backed away to let Magnus take his customary spot on the floor in front of the desk. It was where he had sat since he had first started coming, and despite the numerous armchairs around him, it was where he always sat. Raphael sat on the floor across from him every time, having no problem being on Magnus’s level.

“Yeah, I knew him sophmore year. I don’t think he ever knew me really. He came out that year and it got me thinking about, well, everything. He handled it much better than I am.”

“Trans and gay are very different things to handle,” Raphael said evenly. “Plus, you truly have no idea what kind of family he has to support him. He might have a whole house full of people there for him. You can’t compare your experience to anyone else’s. So, how did you end up on a date with this guy?”

“We started talking after the disaster yesterday. He’s the one that stood up for me to that complete bitch.” Magnus fought his thoughts from going back to that incident and focusing on the here and now. “We seemed to hit it off and then he asked me for dinner.”

“Well, so far he’s doing it right.” Raphael nodded to himself as he heard the story. “He defended you, got to know you a bit, and then invited you for dinner. He’s much nicer than any guy I knew in school. Or really, any guy I know now. So, what are you thinking about?”

“I guess the million ways it could all fall apart.” Magnus said sadly. “Alec is amazing, really. He has it all together, and he’s going to do amazing things. I just feel like I’m still a complete mess a lot of the time. Wasn’t it only two weeks ago that I couldn’t even handle the thought of getting out of bed? Who would want someone like that?”

“I’m going to tell you that everyone has their demons.” Raphael looked at him somewhat sternly. “Nobody has it completely together, absolutely nobody. We all have things we deal with day after day and everyone has their breaking point. I guarantee you this guy has things he has to handle too, and that he doesn’t like everything about himself.”

“What if he can’t handle me?” Magnus spoke to his knees this time. He was more than used to telling Raphael exactly what went through his mind, but the darker thoughts never came easy. “He knows I’m trans, but does he know? Like has he thought about what it’s going to be like? I’m not exactly a boy and-”

“Magnus, you are a boy.” Raphael said firmly, cutting him off. “You need to keep saying that.”

“I don’t exactly have a cock,” Magnus snapped, a slight blush appearing at his blunt words. “Gay boys tend to like those as part of their partner’s anatomy.”

“Let’s hope this Alec isn’t a complete idiot,” Raphael said, keeping his calm. “Your genitals do not completely make your gender. It’s about more than that. You feel like a boy, and you identify as one. That is what you need to remember.”

“How do I make Alec deal with me?” Magnus asked, feeling the hopelessness settling on him. “I’m not exactly normal, in any way. I have depression that I will probably never have fully under control. People are forever going to be talking about me, and then about him by extension. Why should I-”

“Okay, enough,” Raphael was using his voice that meant business. “You need to have some faith. You need to stop sabotaging every single good thing before it happens. School seems to be better today, and it might continue to get better. You were so convinced for weeks that absolutely nobody would talk to you and now you have a date. You have a tendency to think of only the worst possibilities. There is no way I can tell you for sure how Alec will handle every single thing that comes your way.. He seems like a good guy, who is smart with a good head on his shoulders. Take a first date for what it is, a date. Do you hear me? Stop talking yourself out of things that haven’t happened yet.”

“Yeah, alright.” Magnus took a deep breath and at Raphael’s look took one more as he unfolded himself a bit. “I’m just scared of it all falling apart. I hate when that happens.”

“You have people here if that does happen,” Raphael assured him. “We aren’t going anywhere.” 

Magnus nodded and only hoped that if things really did completely fall apart he wouldn’t fall apart with it. It was a blur as they said their goodbyes and had their customary hug. Magnus only had a few blocks to walk until he would meet Alec at the place they had agreed on earlier. He took a deep breath and tried to keep some good faith. He had said yes for a reason, and he had always considered himself a good judge of character. 

He had just entered the small parking lot of the restaurant when something caught his attention from the corner of his eye. He stopped for a long moment before he turned to see a sight that made him freeze and his blood run cold. A man was bent over the steering wheel of his car, his knuckles white as they gripped the sides like they would somehow save him. His shoulders heaved as he struggled to take in air, but the way they shook told Magnus he was struggling to breathe through crying rather than suffocation. He had done the same from time to time, but what this man was going through seemed far more intense than anything he had experienced before. Whoever this guy was he needed someone to help him, or at least calm him down before he passed out from hyperventilating. Magnus hoped Alec would forgive him being tardy for helping someone out. 

Alec seemed like exactly the guy who would, which is why he had agreed to come. Also the reason why he had to keep that faith instead of assuming the worst. Raphael was right from time to time and this was one of them. 

“Hey!” Magnus shouted, bangning on the window as loudly as he could. He had no idea what he was doing, and what he was doing might send this poor guy into cardiac arrest. Strangers pounding on your window wasn’t exactly a source of comfort, but then again Magnus couldn’t leave him alone like this. Getting stuck in your own head was not something to be played with. It was dangerous business. “Hey! You need to listen to me! Take some deep breaths!”

The man in the car didn’t respond to him in any way and the crying seemed to intensify. Magnus swore to himself and ran a hand through his hair to try and think of what he should do. The car doors were locked so he couldn’t reach the man inside. He knew calling an EMS team wasn’t strictly necessary, though he’d resort to it if he had to. All he had to do was get this man out of his own head and focus on anything around him. It seemed to work for him anyways. If he had something to ground him then he could get himself to stop crying. It had to be loud enough to get the man’s attention. 

Suddenly a loud horn and a screech of tires broke the silence, a very common occurrence when you were in Manhattan. Magnus felt himself jump slightly and turn his head towards the sound before turning back to the mysterious man with hope in his throat. If he had been surprised by it, then just maybe it had also broken this stranger out of his own thoughts. 

As he turned back to the car he felt his blood freeze in an entirely new way. The man in the car was his date, Alec Lightwood. 

There could be no mistaking those blue eyes and the tiny freckle on his left temple. The boy with tear streaks down his face and the ragged breathing was Alec, and Magnus had to help him. He dashed back to the car and resumed his knocking on the passenger window.

“Alec! Alec, can you hear me? You need to unlock the doors!” Magnus shouted as loudly as he could, his emotions a wreck that caused his voice to take a hysterical note. The sight before him broke his heart into pieces as Alec was so broken in front of him. It also made him panic a bit because who was he to talk someone down from this? When he had crying spells he always called Raphael, who had had much practice getting him out of them. “Alec, just listen to my voice. Unlock the doors so I can help you. It’s going to be alright, I promise. All you need to do is unlock the doors.”

A click had never sounded so wonderful as when Alec pressed the button, or rather he leaned an elbow on it as one hand rested on his chest as the other worked the top three buttons on his shirt loose. Magnus wasted no time in opening the spare door and slipping onto the leather seat. The hand not clutching his chest was clutching the edge of the seat in a white-knuckled grip as if that was the only thing keeping him linked to reality. 

“Can you talk to me?” Magnus asked him, unsure where to start and desperate to know what on earth was upsetting him so much. “What happened?” He should be good at this after the years he comforted his mother through her depression. Then again, all he used to do is hold her until it passed. 

He raised a slightly shaking hand to lay it on Alec’s shoulder tenderly, unsure of what his reaction would be. Alec seemed to neither enjoy or reject the physical contact as his breathing remained incredibly labored and his hand still rested on his chest. The tears were fresh now on his face, though the flow had slowed. Magnus took a few deep breaths of his own and knew that the most important thing right now was to calm Alec down enough so he could breathe properly again. If he could do that then they could get somewhere. Maybe he’d drive Alec home if that’s where he wanted to be. 

“I can’t breathe,” Alec finally muttered, though it didn’t really seem like he even knew Magnus was there. Magnus moved the hand on his shoulder to rub his back gently, creating soothing circles that he hoped would offer some help to calm him down. He had no idea what he should do for a boy he hardly knew. He didn’t know if Alec liked to be touched, or if he liked to be distracted when he was upset, or if he really just wanted to be alone. He could only watch Alec fall completely apart and do nothing about it. 

“You need to take a deep breath,” Magnus instructed him with a shaking voice he tried to keep as calm as possible. The hand not rubbing Alec’s back brought the pale boy’s hand to his lap to squeeze it gently, yet firmly. He was doing his best to ground Alec to the present and to get him to know where he was. “Just take even, deep breaths and it’ll be okay. You need to calm your breathing before you pass out on me.”

They sat in silence for a long while before Alec seemed to calm down slowly and rest his head on Magnus’s shoulder gently. The butterflies were in Magnus’s throat now rather than his stomach, but he was careful to keep his whole body as relaxed and still as possible while Alec was getting himself together. His soft, black hair tickled the underside of his chin as his head fit perfectly in the space between his shoulder and his jaw. The seemed to fit against each other like two puzzle pieces, and like every cliche romance movie Tessa had made the three of them watch. Magnus didn’t believe in soul mates, and he wouldn’t no matter how well Alec felt pressed to his side. He couldn’t get ahead of himself with this.

Alec suddenly jerked from him with a cry of surprise and he blinked at him a few times in confusion. He didn’t seem pleased to see him. “Magnus? What are you doing in my car? What is going on?” 

“You were having some kind of panic attack, or at least I think so.” Magnus told him slowly, alarmed that he couldn’t remember letting him in the car. He didn’t want to send him into another frenzy. “You didn’t say much, only that you couldn’t breathe properly. I was just trying to get you to calm down.”

“I don’t remember that,” Alec said slowly, his voice hushed and hoarse. He brought a hand up to wipe at his dried tears, and then looked at it like his hand was a foreign concept to him. “I’ve never had a panic attack before. I feel awful.”

“Do you want a drink of water?” Magnus asked, glancing around them for a corner store he could slip into. 

“I don’t want you to leave,” Alec said instead. He flushed at the honest words and cleared his throat. “I feel a bit shaky if I’m being honest.”

“Were you upset about something?” The question was careful and hesitant, Magnus knew just how delicate your demons could be. He was the best at never talking to anyone about what was upsetting him at any given moment. 

“Nothing new,” Alec muttered as he shifted around, aimlessly shifting his music around and fiddling with the buttons on the radio. “I remember driving over here and since I was early I was just listening to the radio while I waited for you.” His blue eyes widened comically as he snapped his head in Magnus’s direction. “Oh God, I ruined our date! I completely ruined it. Magnus, I am so sorry. It figures I would spaz out the one night I get a gorgeous guy to agree to a date.”

“I can’t be the only gorgeous guy willing to go out with you,” Magnus fought the smile threatening to creep over his face. The situation still worried him a great deal, but Alec was adorable and their easy camaraderie was coming back. “You must have a line after me.”

“Have you even been looking at me?” Alec shook his head as he fumbled to check his phone briefly. It was clear he was still trying to orient himself. 

“Only every chance I get.” The statement was truth, but it was a truth that was awfully close to flirting. Magnus didn’t know he even know how to flirt. A smile made it’s way over Alec’s face as the other boy glance his way shyly and it was much better than the look of complete distress from earlier. 

“I’m not very hungry,” Alec said honestly as rain softly started to fall making a rhythm start up on the top of the car, a soft pattering to drown out the silence. “I think whatever crazy fit I had drew away my appetite.”

“It wasn’t crazy,” Magnus told him firmly. This much he could say with conviction. “I have had similiar stuff happen to me. There’s been times I’m crying so hard I can’t breathe. I think what you were experiencing was different. I’d have to ask Raphael, but I think it was a panic attack. Do you have a lot of anxiety?”

Alec stared at him blankly for a long moment. “Who on earth is Raphael?”

“He’s a good friend of mine, and he knows a lot about this sort of thing,” Magnus told him as he closed his eyes for a long moment. There was no way he was admitting to having a therapist right off the bat. 

“I do have anxiety,” Alec said it so softly Magnus could hardly hear. “I’ve always had it for as long as I can remember. It’s always been...well...nothing like that has ever happened.”

“Let’s go to a drive thru and get some shit food,” Magnus said suddenly, tired of the somber mood in the car. “We can even get some hot chocolate or something.” Alec seemed to think he was crazy the way he was looking at him. Magnus tentatively took his hand once again and held it loosely. “Look, I don’t want to press you right now to talk about whatever made you upset. A first date is supposed to be fun, and memorable. I think we’d be the only ones to eat trashy food in a car for their date.”

“I don’t want to be around anyone but you anyways,” Alec agreed easily as he started the car and put it in gear. The car was very nice and the heated seats made Magnus relax fully as he leaned back into the seat once they started driving around the streets of Manhattan. The silence was comfortable and the longer they drove the more Alec seemed to relax. They finally pulled off to a place that had delicious smelling hot chocolate and decent enough food. Magnus ducked back into the car and handed Alec a drink and a sandwich. The silence was easy as they tucked into their sandwiches. Neither of them spoke until they were done and Alec had lobbed the empty bag at a trash can.

“Are you ready for tomorrow night?” Magnus asked, looking over Alec’s array of cds all around the car. In the dark he didn’t see many names, though he recognized a few covers of the ones he also owned. “Will is keeping it a secret what you guys are playing.”

“Good,” Alec said with a smile. He had turned to face Magnus with one leg tucked underneath him. Magnus kept thinking how beautiful he was throughout the night, even when he had seemed broken. The light was slowly returning to his eyes like the sun rising slowly over the horizon, with the darkness slowly fading until brilliant light takes over. The mention of Mortal Instruments seemed to be the thing to cause the brilliant light to return. “I told him to keep our set a secret. I think it’s one of our best yet.”

“How long have you guys played?” Magnus sipped on his drink and hoped he could keep Alec looking so alive and so invigorated.

“We formed the band two years ago. Our first drummer was a weirdo who ended up addicted to meth and overdosed near the end of the year. Then junior year we got Eric who was a year older than us and got us set up with Bounce. That was what really took our band somewhere, playing at the club. Eric went off across the country to school, so now we have Will. Your friend seems like a great guy. We’re lucky he auditioned because everyone before him wasn’t even close to making the cut.” Alec was smiling happily as he flicked at the dice he had draped over his mirror. Alec’s car seemed to actually be his, with bits of him strewn throughout while Will’s cars were always pristine and dusted to perfection. Magnus was never allowed to eat a single thing in his friend’s precious cars. 

“Will is a wonderful person. I’m lucky I met him in freshman year. I don’t know how I’d have gotten through half of what I did without him around.” Magnus bit his lip as he might have said just a touch too much. Alec cast him a look that said he’d caught the reference to times that had been not so great, but he wouldn’t say anything. It was clear neither of them had led a life free of struggle, and that both of them wanted to keep their cards close to their chests. The question was which of them was going to take the terrifying step out into nothing, and potentially face the free fall. 

It was nearing two hours later when a silence fell again. Magnus had been completely enraptured by Alec and every word he spoke. He would only talk when prompted, but Magnus could always tell when it was something he truly loved because his eye lit up to his favorite shade of blue. Magnus found himself telling Alec more than he had planned to. He told him vaguely about his childhood, or at least the good parts of it. He told him of the house he had grown up in and about the dog they used to have when he’d been a small boy. He told Alec stories about the four of them in their early high school days, somehow keeping pronouns out of it. It was the first time in so long he felt like Magnus, whoever Magnus truly was. It didn’t matter if he was a boy, girl, or somewhere inbetween. He was only Magnus, and Magnus was someone that Alec Lightwood looked at with appreciative eyes and an easy smile. 

“Can I ask you something?” Alec said after a pause had fallen over them. He was picking at the paper wrapped around his styrofoam cup. 

“Sure,” Magnus agreed easily, completely relaxed and warm. 

“Have you ever known that listening to someone was the right thing, but you desperately want to believe someone else instead? Okay, or one person is saying what you need to hear, but then in the other ear is someone saying what you want to hear? Does that make sense?” Alec had leaned forwards towards Magnus, almost pleading with him to understand. 

“I’m following so far,” Magnus told him, not sure where he was going with this.

“Is it bad to hear only what you want to?” Alec was biting his lip and Magnus had a suspicion this might have had to do with what had made him so upset earlier. “The truth is breaking me apart, so I’ve been ignoring it. I’m told that if I keep ignoring it that it’s only going to be worse. The only thing is I’m hurting someone by ignoring what I need to face. Part of me knows he’s right, but I don’t want to admit that.”

“I’m kind of a king at ignoring problems until they blow up,” Magnus confessed thinking of two years ago when he had let things get so dark he could no longer find a shred of light to cling to. “Look, I should tell you that facing whatever you need to will make it better, but seeing as I have no clue what you’re talking about I’m going to tell you that you’ll face it when you’re ready to. Forcing it will just make it worse probably. If it’s not doing you any real harm then don’t rush it.”

“That makes sense,” Alec said softly, leaning back into his seat thoughtfully as he took the last few sips of his drink. Magnus hoped he had helped, and that he hadn’t given Alec the wrong advice. This probably had something to do with why he had had a panic attack only a few hours ago, and Magnus felt like if Alec kept pressing whatever he didn’t want to face he might have more of them. 

They got back onto lighter topics as street lights came on and darkness fell completely around them. Magnus lost track of time completely as they got lost talking about the interests, hopes, dreams, and even disappointments. Alec Lightwood was a mystery and he played his cards close, but the glimpses Magnus did get left him begging to know more. 

Alec brought up his phone to check something they were talking about, and that was when the magical spell over them seemed to break and reality came back. His mouth turned down in the corners and his expression grew serious as he scrolled through. 

“Jace has called me nearly a dozen times,” Alec murmured to himself as tension grew in every line of his face. He looked up to lock eyes with Magnus, and both of them knew this night of freedom was over. Alec bit his lip and glanced at his phone one last time before clicking it off. Magnus reflexively turned on his own phone and noticed he had missed six messages of his own, all of them from Tessa. She wasn’t one to normally message him, and if she did never this many. She was very good at being patient for an answer most of the time. He was very curious about what she wanted, but he didn’t want this night to be over. He already loved being in Alec’s presence, and he didn’t know when it would happen again.

“Are you coming tomorrow night? To hear us play?:” Alec looked like he wanted to take Magnus’s hand, but he was holding back. Magnus wanted him to know it was more than fine for them to please just touch in any way possible. 

“I couldn’t get out of it even if I wanted to,” Magnus said honestly. He grinned at Alec and did what the pale boy was afraid to do. He took Alec’s hand in his lightly and squeezed softly. “I definitely wouldn’t miss a chance to see you again, even if it is all sweaty on stage.”

“You’ll have a good time,” Alec promised. His grin split across his face as he fumbled to grab his keys from the middle console. “Can I drive you home?” 

“You could,” Magnus said as he thought of the messages. “Only then I’d have to walk back into the city anyways. I need to stop by Tessa’s house. Something is going on.”

“I’m sorry I ruined our nice dinner,” Alec said softly. “I really wanted to treat you nice.”

“You’ve treated me better than nearly anyone I’ve met.” Magnus felt a blush rising at his own bold words. “I’ve never met anyone like you Alexander.”

“It’s Alec,” The other boy had scrunched up his face at his full name. Magnus laughed and rolled his eyes.

“I love saying your name, it has a nice ring to it. Can’t I be special?”

“Maybe after date number two,” Alec teased, but in his eyes was a question if another date was going to happen. Magnus felt his heart leap into his throat and he felt as if he were in another person’s body as he leaned over and kissed the pale skin of Alec’s cheek. The small smile and blush told Magnus he had done the right thing, but his heart still pounded furiously against his rib cage. 

“See you tomorrow then, Alec.” Magnus emphasized his name causing Alec to laugh shortly and wave as Magnus climbed out of the car. He shivered in the breeze, but his heart was glowing with warmth as he took the luxury of playing the night over his head again and again. Their date might not have been conventionally perfect, but then again neither of them were exactly conventional.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiiiiiiiii everyone!!! I know it’s been a month once again between updates and this will probably be regular. I just have a lot going on and writing comes in fits and spurts. We have a few more storylines unfolding more in this chapter. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter a lot and continue to be patient with me. I’ve decided to update this story on both AO3 and ff.net since I have fans at both places, but this will be my last story on ff.net once it’s over. (Not for a long time my friends) Thank you to everyone for your favorites, kudos, and comments and reviews!!!!!!!! They always make me so happy and inspire me to write as corny as that is!!! Sometimes writing is the only thing I think I can do right. 
> 
> Happy Reading!!!!!!!!!

Alec closed his eyes for a long moment as his blush faded slowly, even though his cheek tingled pleasantly where Magnus’s lips had touched him. Magnus was something else, a wonderful something else. Magnus was kind. Magnus was funny, and he seemed completely fascinated by anything Alec wanted to talk about. Magnus listened to him the way a person might listen to a favorite song, treasuring each and every note individually. Alec had never been able to forget his problems the way he did for the few hours they spent talking. 

Magnus was someone Alec didn’t deserve.

He sighed and opened his eyes to see the screen of his phone lit up and Jace’s name on it. Alec tried not to panic that Jace was calling him yet again and tried to tell himself it could be absolutely nothing. It could be that Jace couldn’t find a remote for the two of them to watch a movie. This could all be simple and nothing to worry over. 

“Hey Jace,” Alec greeted as he activated bluetooth and let Jace’s voice fill the car. He pulled easily into traffic and made his way to the familiar route to take him home. 

“Took you fucking long enough,” Jace’s voice sounded furious, but Alec could hear the relief making it shake only slightly. He tightened his hand on the wheel and prayed whatever was wrong was an easy fix. “How far are you from the hospital?”

“Presbyterian?” Alec asked as he tried to gather his surroundings and see how the best way to get to the hospital would be. New York was a maze at the best of times, and when you’re in a hurry it was only worse. “Why are you at the hospital? What’s going on?”

“How fucking far are you?” Alec could hear Clary;s voice in the background, likely trying to calm him down slightly as his voice grew in volume the longer Alec was gone. She was the only one that had any say in the mood Jace Herondale was in, and the only one that Alec wanted with his brother. 

“I’ll be there in fifteen, or ten if the bridge isn’t nuts,” Alec replied as he cut through traffic and barely made the light. “Once again, what the hell is going on?”

“It’s Izzy.” Jace sounded slightly less furious now and more completely terrified. “She was at the gym and she fell. She hit her head pretty bad on the treadmill and her arm was bleeding. They won’t let me see her yet and I couldn’t get ahold of anyone.” 

“”I’m coming, alright? I will be there as soon as I can I promise. She’ll be okay.” Alec reassured his brother as his heart was in his throat and it was hard to take a deep breath. He bit his lips as he tried not to ram every single car out of his way between himself and the hospital. The silence was unbearable, but the radio didn’t seem like a good option either. Jace probably hadn’t called Mike, and Alec wasn’t sure if he wanted to. Mike would drag Robert up there and that would only make everything worse. If Izzy was hurt, the last thing she needed was Robert around. They would have to handle it themselves, like they always did. 

He pulled into the parking lot and pulled into the first parking space, regardless of its proximity to the door. He shoved his phone into his pocket and barely remembered to lock his car before he was sprinting towards the Emergency Room doors. He was about to storm the front desk when he was stopped by two small hands on his chest and a soft voice in his ears.

“We’re sitting over here Alec,” Clary’s voice barely grounded him as his eyes darted around as if he expected to see his sister in the middle of the room. “Come sit by us. Izzy is going to be fine. Come on.” She calmly twined his fingers in her own and pulled him to where Jace sat with his head buried in his pale hands. Alec wanted answers, but he knew he’d get them when the time came. He sighed as he sat down heavily and put a hand on Jace’s shoulder to squeeze tightly. 

“So, she just fainted? Out of nowhere?” Alec was still trying to wrap his mind around what had happened in order for them to end up here. 

“We don’t know a fucking thing,” Jace snapped, frustrated and terrified. “I don’t even know how long they had her before Robert finally called me.”

“Wait, Dad knows? He knows and he isn’t here?” Alec could hardly believe the level his father had sunk to. Normally when one of them was hurt or sick their dad would make an appearance, but now it seemed that that was no longer the case. 

“Can we get some answers please?” Jace asked loud enough for the ladies at the desk to look over, mildly alarmed for only a moment. When they went back to work Jace made a sound of annoyance and started pacing in front of the row of chairs they had claimed. Alec rolled his eyes and sighed. 

“You aren’t helping,” Alec reminded him. He knew Jace tended towards rage more than any other emotion when something went wrong, but now was not the time. “I’m sure Izzy is fine, just a bump to the head. We don’t even know how serious this is. The gym had to call the ambulance if she fell, and especially if she hit her head. It doesn’t mean she isn’t okay.”

“God, I’m so glad you’re here,” Clary muttered making Alec grin. No matter how long she was dating Jace, he never got any easier to handle. Clary Fray had been a constant in Jace’s life for the last three years. He had met her their first day of high school and they had been friends until sophmore year when he finally asked her to homecoming. Alec had been reluctant to trust anyone with Jace, knowing his brother as he did. Clary had proven to be just what he needed, what they all needed. 

“Jace Lightwood?” A nurse had appeared at the plain brown door to their left holding a clipboard in her hands. The three of them stood up quickly and went to see what the update was. Alec had a lead on the other two as his legs were longer. 

“How is she?” Alec demanded, his patience for answers out the window. If Izzy was back there and hurt then that was where he had to be. 

“You are?” The nurse looked him over, wary to give him information. Alec rolled his eyes.

“I’m Alec Lightwood, her brother. Her twin brother.” Alec fingers were twitching against his thigh as he impatiently waited for this nurse to accept his answer and let him in. 

“Alright, you three can come see her,” The nurse relented and led them back through winding hallways. Alec craned his neck to look for her ahead of the nurse but half the curtains they passed were closed and the other half of the patients were surrounded by people. All the way at the end his sister was lying on one of the hospital beds, and even wearing a hospital gown. The second he saw her he stepped around the nurse and sped ahead to her side. 

“Alec,” Izzy said with her voice full of nothing but relief. Her eyes widened as she must have taken in his nice clothes and smelled the cologne he wore. “Oh no, I interrupted your date, didn’t I?” Oh God, I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t even worry about it,” Alec murmured to her as he kissed her forehead affectionately. He kept one hand on her arm as he looked her over. Her black hair was rumpled a bit and she looked paler than he had ever seen her. Most of her forearm was wrapped in white bandages. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and she leaned into his side as the nurse and his friends walked up.

“Your sister has a concussion,” The nurse informed them. Jace grimaced and Clary took Izzy’s hand to squeeze tightly. “She also has a severe burn on her forearm from the belt of her treadmill. She won’t require any skin grafts, but she will need the bandages changed twice a week and to rest her arm. The less she uses it the better.”

“Not a problem,” Alec confirmed. He might be the only one Izzy would ever listen to, but she did listen. “How long before she heals?”

“Her head will heal quickly, but she might have headaches for a few weeks.” The nurse was organizing their paperwork and had a tube of ointment in a plastic bag. “That arm will take anywhere from two to four weeks to fully heal. The doctor has restricted her from physical activity and she has to take the month off from cheerleading. The more she rests the faster all of it will heal.” She sighed and looked the four of them over. “Does she have a parent coming to get her?”

“I’m of age,” Alec told her as he reached for the papers. “Our parents are-”

“I’ll be signing her out!” They all looked to see Michael striding across the emergency room with Max hurrying behind. The nurse looked immensely relieved to be talking to an adult instead of a bunch of teenagers. Alec held his breath as he expected their father behind him, but it seemed even Michael couldn’t tear him away from wherever he was. He glanced over at Jace, who suddenly wouldn’t meet his eye.

“You called him?” Alec asked him quietly. It wasn’t so much that Michael couldn’t know, but only that he tended to be a Robert cheerleader and after what had happened before his date with Magnus he wasn’t ready to face his father yet. Anyone causing Max this kind of pain wasn’t someone he wanted to talk to. 

“No, I only called you.” Jace told him with his hands raised. “I thought you’d want this between the three of us.”

“What happened to her?” Max cut in, tired of being in the dark. “Is she going to be okay? Was she just dehydrated?”

“We never got that far,” Alec muttered as he glared at the nurse’s back. She was now completely ignoring anyone but their uncle. Michael looked worried as he nodded along with the various instructions and looked over the paperwork in front of him. He had one hand stroking Isabelle’s hair gently as he listened. Alec shouldn’t be bitter towards him since he knew the four of them meant to world to their uncle. He couldn’t help but feel like his uncle was setting him up for heartbreak like Jace was always telling him. The whole thing had led to that surreal moment when he had no idea where he was or what was happening. That moment where he felt like he couldn’t breathe and that nothing was ever going to be okay. Magnus had called it a panic attack, and he was probably right. It had been terrifying and Alec didn’t want to blame Michael for it, but some part of him did. 

“She’s going to be fine Max,” Jace reassured him with a hand on his back. Max was biting his lip and kept staring at the curtain by Izzy’s bed. Jace looked around for a subject change until his golden eyes landed on Alec and a smirk came over his features. “How was your date, anyways?”

“Uh, it was great,” Alec said as a smile crossed his face thinking of the hours they spent talking. “It was unusual, but great. Magnus is pretty amazing.”

“Did he kiss you?” Max asked with a tiny smirk. His little brother was taking after Jace more and more. Alec couldn’t handle two of them.

“No, he was a gentleman.” Alec said primly causing his siblings to laugh.

“Well gentlemen aren’t your type, if my brother is anything to go by,” Clary spoke up finally as he jostled Alec’s arm lightly. 

“I don’t have a type,” Alec told her, never knowing how to react when Jonathan came up. They parted amicably enough last year, but after all his father had done he couldn’t see how Jonathan would ever want to talk to him again. He had texted a few times before school started, but the last Alec talked to him was the night before he went to school upstate. 

“Clary, can you help Izzy get dressed?” Michael asked politely as the nurse fully closed the curtain and a doctor walked away. None of them had even noticed him approach. The redhead nodded and disappeared to help. Michael came to stand in her place with folded arms and a stern expression on his face.

“None of you thought to call me? I’m your godfather. I’m not Robert. Why did I have to find out about this from Izzy texting me, of all people? Haven’t I gained your trust by now?”

“We had it under control,” Alec said quietly as he looked at his feet. He swallowed hard before finishing his reasoning. “I didn’t want Robert here.” It made him sick using his father’s first name, but he was done playing nice. He had been thinking a lot over the last few hours after having all of their father’s sins laid out by telling Max. His mind had gone through the last two years and everything he had had to take on by himself. Every time he had to comfort all three of his siblings. The practices and games he went to alone. The hours he helped with homework and projects instead of doing his own. He made their meals every single day, with nothing but criticism from Robert when he did come home. The way Robert berated Jace enough to make him quit the basketball team, when it used to be something he loved. The way Robert seemed to see Izzy as nothing more than a spoiled brat who dressed like a “girl asking for it”. The way he never let up on telling Alec how horrible he was for loving who he did, telling him his feelings were wrong. Constantly sure Alec would never go anywhere in this world because of the way he lived his life. 

“I wouldn’t have-” Michael started to say before Alec cut him off.

“I know you called him at least twice coming over here,” Alec said firmly. Michael’s lips thinned telling Alec he was right. Alec shook his head and sighed shakily. “Look, he’s your best friend and I would defend Jace until the end of time. I understand why you feel like you need to defend him. I know you want him to love us like he should. Maybe he does love us in some way. All I know is that I’m done with him. I want you to stop forcing him to be around us. He makes us all miserable. He isn’t here when his daughter got taken to the emergency room. He called Jace to have him handle it instead.”

“Just love us,” Jace said, backing Alec up. “You’re enough for us. Robert has ruined enough. We don’t want him to ruin our relationship with you. We love you Mike, and without you we’d have nobody. Just let us have you.”

“Max should live with you,” Alec cut in before his uncle could say anything. His heart was beating hard against his ribcage and his chest felt tight. “It’d be so much better for him. He needs a proper father around and you’re the best. We’re all going to be gone after this year and I don’t want him to be alone.”

“Alec,” Mike said softly as he broke his silence to fold the younger man in his arms. “Alec, it’s going to be okay. We don’t need to make those kinds of decisions right now. Shh, Alec it’s okay.” Alec bit his lip and buried his face into Michael’s shoulder. He missed being held when things were hard and scary. He hated seeing his sister in a hospital bed, and they still had no answers why she had passed out in the first place. He might be too old for this, but it felt so nice..

“Sorry,” He muttered with a sigh. “It’s been a long day.”

“I never know when to let things be,” Michael admitted as he wrapped an arm around Jace’s shoulders. “I’m going to take the four of you home and I’ll stay the night at your place. Robert texted me finally that he was taking off for the weekend with a friend.” 

“He should be with Izzy,” Max said with a deep frown crossing his young features. 

“He should,” Mike agreed, surprising all of them. It wasn’t like Mike to admit Robert’s faults in front of his kids. He let go of Jace as Izzy came out walking carefully with Clary’s arm linked with hers. She looked more herself with her clothes back, but the way her steps were careful made Alec very alarmed. He stepped forwards to wrap an arm around her waist to make her feel more steady. She smiled gratefully and leaned on him as they made their way out into the parking lot. 

It might have been a long and terrible day, but it looked like a few good things were going to come of it after all.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Magnus felt like he was walking on air as he made his way to Tessa’s place. The date started out rocky, but it ended up in a great place. Alec was so many things, wonderful things. He was smart, passionate, and so nice. He could carry conversation. He was sweet, caring, and made him feel like no one else had in so long. Alec made him feel like the past didn’t matter, or the future. Alec was his right now, and right now felt better than ever.

He texted Tessa to tell her he was outside since it was late and her parents normally went to sleep early. He had only met her parents a handful of times, but he knew they were the strict sort. She got around their rules through sneaking and loopholes, but he knew she had to be careful. As far as he knew they had no idea Tessa was dating one boy, let alone two. 

“Hi Magnus,” Tessa said quietly as she stepped out wrapped up in a huge blanket with a zip up sweatshirt of Will’s on. She looked horribly small in the large shirt and her voice was hoarse. Magnus felt sick as he realized she’d been crying.

“Tessa, what’s happened?” He immediately wrapped his arms around her. The last few years she had become as close to as a sister as he could ever imagine. She buried her face in his shoulder as he slowly shuffled them over to a bench on the front porch. She opened her blanket to include him in her fort of comfort. She picked up her head and wiped delicately under her red eyes.

“I messed up everything,” She whispered with a tortured expression. Magnus rubbed her back softly.

“Tess, I’m sure you haven’t. Why do you say that? Are you and Will okay? You and Jem?” 

“Will and Jem are barely speaking still,” Tessa seemed annoyed as she rolled her eyes. “Today we had that stupid argument and Will was being insufferable. I ran into Jem on the way to my next class and of course he noticed I was nearly in tears after the way he snapped at me.” She took a deep, shuddering breath and sniffed hard. “He took me to the side of the hall and I told him Will was just being Will. He, well you know how Jem is with words, and without thinking I kissed him. I kissed him in the middle of the hallway and the wrong people happened to see.”

“People probably just assume you guys broke up,” Magnus said, trying to figure out what’d he’d think if he saw half of one of the school’s most notorious couples kissing another guy. “You did have a fight with him in the middle of lunch.”

“Of course people don’t see that,” Tessa said angrily as more tears slipped down her cheeks. “They only saw what they thought was me cheating on my boyfriend.”

“It doesn’t matter what they think,” Magnus assured her softly. “The four of us know what’s going on and that’s all that matters. Will and Jem both love you unconditionally.”

“That isn’t the only thing that matters.” Tessa pulled out her phone and tapped a few icons on it. “Not when it’s all over twitter and facebook. They’re blowing this up. People adore the hell out of Will. Half our year has a crush on him, and I’m the slut that cheated on him.”

“Why would you even…” Magnus took the phone from her and scrolled down her twitter to see the horrific damage done. Post after post was from their classmates saying the most horrible things. They called her a slut, skank, whore, and completely undeserving of Will Herondale. Both sites were ruthless with their words and accusations. Some weren’t so attacking so much as expressing their view on the situation. Some people were already asking WIll to homecoming next month. Some had gotten wind of Will being in Mortal Instruments and asking to be his date Saturday night. “Tessa….have you told Jem and Will? They’re going to be pissed.”  
“How do I tell them?” Tessa sighed heavily and ran a hand through her hair. “This is like our worst fear. Things were going so well, and then I mess it all up. What do I do now? Do I just pretend nobody saw anything and let people attack me? Do Will and I pretend we broke up? Do I act like I’m seeing Jem now? Either way I’m going to have people calling me those things. Jem has the band and orchestra behind him while Will has everybody else.”

“You have me,” Magnus told her as he took her hand in his. “You have your boys no matter what. They adore you and will help you figure out what to do.”

“I’m so afraid some stupid person will say something when I’m out with my parents. Some of those girls have no tact at all. My parents finding out would be catastrophic. It would be the end of me ever leaving my house again. Why did I have to kiss Jem? I knew what we had all agreed on and I kissed him anyways. It was so stupid.”

“It was a mistake Tessa,” Magnus told her. “Nothing more than that. Blame Will for being such an ass for no reason. He had no reason to talk to you like that.”

“Do you know why they’re fighting? Neither of them will tell me.” Tessa looked at him with a pleading look. Magnus bit his lip and had no idea what to say. He didn’t see much harm in telling her, but he also hated getting in the middle of their business. It was hard having three best friends all in one relationship. Jem and WIll liked to protect Tessa more than needed most of the time. 

“I really thought they would have dropped it by now.” Magnus told her honestly as he thought distantly back to early this morning during their ride to school. “Will had some thoughts on telling his dad the truth about you guys.”

“Really?” Tessa didn’t look nearly as horrified as Jem did. She looked thoughtful as she tucked the blanket closer around her. “Well, I can see that going okay. His father isn’t nearly as bad as Jem and mine.”

“Jem said it was stupid to do that before Will was done with school. I think Jem is afraid WIll’s dad would cut all his money off, which would screw nearly all of us. Will’s dad is paying for half the rent on our house. There’s no way we’d afford it with only Ragnor and Cat.”

“Why does WIll suddenly want to say something?” Tessa looked slightly calmer with something else to focus on, though she did still have her phone in her lap open to the new comments spilling in. “He was pretty content staying quiet the last I knew.”

“He’s jumping ahead to the future. He would rather explain it now than be caught out when the three of you share a place. His dad expects you two to get married or some shit.” Magnus shrugged and took the phone calmly from her. “Darling, you can’t listen to these stupid people. They want your boyfriend, nothing more. They’re jealous you have two of the sexiest men only having eyes for you. They don’t know what’s going on. You aren’t playing either of them. They both adore you.”

The beam of headlights startled both of them as they turned to see a very familiar, and very expensive, mustang pull into the drive. Will was quick to kill the lights and the engine before Tessa’s parents were any the wiser to three boys on their front porch. 

“So, I have five text messages asking me out on Saturday night,” Will said as the two of them climbed the creaky, old porch steps with the paint chipping off. His confused, almost lazy expression sharpened to one of deep concern as he saw the disheveled state Tessa was in as well as the tear tracks on her face. “Tessa, love, what is going on?” He opened his arms and it took less than a moment for Tessa to be huddled in them gratefully with her face pressed into his shoulder. Magnus had to smile watching them, if he ever had a doubt about love it disappeared every time he saw them together. 

“Was it…?” Jem had gone pale all of a sudden as he seemed to just put the pieces together all at one time. He leaned against the post connected to the short railing and ran a hand over his hair. “People saw us.”

“Yeah,” Tessa said, barely loud enough to be heard. Jem quickly filled Will in on what had happened after lunch in the hallway, regret filling every inch of his face. He laid a hand on Tessa’s back as Will held her, obviously wanting to do more, but lost on how to help. Will held his hand out to Magnus.

“Give me her phone Magnus,” Will’s voice was firm and unforgiving. “I want to see what kind of damage we’re looking at.”

“No,” Tessa snatched the phone just as it passed hands and clutched it to her chest. “You are not seeing those pages. It’s not going to help anything. You already know what they’re saying. They all think I’m cheating on you.”

“This is problematic,” Jem said quietly with his face screwed up in thought. He sighed heavily and led the three of them to sit on the steps. Magnus stayed where he was, content to listen until his input was required for now. 

“I don’t know what we should do now,” Tessa admitted as she looked to her knees for answers. “I feel like any direction we take this is going to end badly.”

“It’s not any of their damn business,” Jem muttered, still concerned about the few tears escaping the corners of Tessa’s eyes now and then. “Honey, what can we do?”

“I can post something,” Will said as he played with his phone in his hands. “I can tell them all to fuck off.”

“They saw me kiss someone else. This is never going to go away,” Tessa said miserably, now cuddled into Jem’s arms while Will got up to pace in front of them.

“Don’t do anything,” Magnus finally advised. The three turned to stare at him blankly as if doing nothing to three very proactive people was unthinkable.. “Seriously, just go to the show tomorrow like nothing has happened. People are shallow and have nothing else to talk about. If you two act like you broke up, then you can’t be seen talking and laughing during lunch so that ruins our lunch hour. If you act like Jem had anything to do with it, the same thing happens. People will stop talking once they see that nothing has changed. Will and Tessa are achingly in love and Jem is by their side as always.” Magnus gave a rueful grin. “Not that that’s how it really is, but nobody needs to know that.”

“They do though!” Will burst out with his eyes wide and his hands loosely curled into fists. “This is not going to be the first time something like this will happen. The way things are isn’t working. You feel like shit all of the time,” He gestured to Jem as he said this while the other young man flushed but Will continued before he could protest. “You can’t be expected to always remember not to show the man you love affection. Jem can’t take Tessa out on dates, unless it’s hours away. Jem never gets to be with her, or with me, and it’s ridiculous!”

“I am perfectly happy with you two,” Jem countered, his voice calm as he kept Tessa calm by rubbing her arm. “I don’t need to validate my relationship with anyone else. I get Tessa to myself when I need to. The point of all this is I don’t want only one of you, I want both of you I don’t care if everyone thinks I’m some single loser at school. I don’t hardly talk to any of them unless I have to. I love you two, and I’m always going to.”

“Oh Jem,” Tessa said softly as she hugged his arm to her tightly. She kissed him lightly before looking at Will. “While we’re talking about all of this, I’m done with you two protecting me. If WIll and I were fighting about something, I know Will would tell Jem, and the same the other way around. I refuse to be left in the dark again if there’s some kind of rift between you two. I’m not a delicate flower that can’t handle a little turmoil. If there’s a problem then the three of us can discuss it. If this is how we are going to spend our lives, then you two need to trust I’m not going to run the first sign things aren’t perfect. I don’t know what gave you that impression, but quit it.”

Jem and Will both mumbled in the affirmative at her fierce tone and her look that meant she wasn’t taking any protests. She sighed and stood up to bring Jem with her. She kissed him fully for a long moment before turning and doing the same with Will. She finally hopped up the remaining steps to hold her arms out for Magnus to step into. 

“I am going to sleep,” Tessa told them all with a tiny smile. “Let’s all agree to stay off social media. It’s not going to do us any good anyways. The three of you is all I truly care about at the end of the day.”

“NIght Tessa,” Magnus called as he quickly went to the backseat of the car, eager to miss the true goodnights between his friends. He thought that Will had a point, the longer this carried on the harder it would be to keep it all under wraps. Jem was going to get frustrated eventually by being the secret, and it wasn’t always easy to separate what you could do with the people you love at home or in public. On the other hand, coming out to the public was going to be just as messy and just as hard. There was no easy way for them, but he had no doubt that together they’d get through it. 

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Alec, Helen, Aline, and Simon had only one true tradition over the last few years of their friendship. The morning of a show they would meet at Taki’s diner for breakfast as sort of a good luck and support gesture. They had not missed one breakfast in two years thus far, and now Alec was about to ruin it.

The night before hadn’t gotten any less heavy as they came home and tucked his sister into bed, the five of them checking on her constantly with Clary sleeping by her side in case she needed anything. Alec had been a worried mess as Michael had told them she had been dehydrated, which was puzzling with the water bottle she had with her nearly all the time. Al of tests had come back normal, but it was clear all was not right. Getting to sleep had taken much longer than usual, and so he had completely forgotten to set an alarm for the breakfast the four of them always had without fail.

Today was already off to a crazy start, not that show days weren’t always crazy.

Alec dodged people, dogs, and potholes as he ran as fast as he could the eight blocks to the diner. He had woken up to the consistent buzzing of his friends all texting him to wonder where he was. He had texted Aline to tell her he was coming, but he didn’t know exactly when. He’d checked all his siblings and made sure they had breakfast before dashing like a madman to his favorite diner in the city. 

“Yes, yes I”m hopelessly late,” Alec told them as he slid in beside Simon, trying to hold off Aline’s sarcastic comments. “I’m sorry, but I’m here.”

“Your shirt is inside out, babe,” Aline said as she sipped on her coffee. “We should hurry and order before this waitress kills us. We’ve been sitting here for the better part of an hour only sipping coffee.”

“Order me whatever,” Alec said, tugging his shirt off before very quickly tugging it back on the right way. 

“Round of pancakes?” Helen asked, and when she received no protests went off to go find their waitress and place their order. Alec sighed and prayed the cup in front of him was his. 

“Are you alright?” Simon asked him quietly. “You seem kinda out of it.” He pushed the mug towards Alec, who wasted no time before drinking deeply. Without his first cup of coffee he was a complete zombie. 

“I had a long, long night last night.” Alec ran a hand over his face and tried to hide his yawn. 

“You had a date with Magnus, according to your sister,” Aline said airily with a wicked grin. “I’m choosing not to be offended that you didn’t bother telling me, and instead demand every single detail.”

Alec opened his mouth to begin the story, but then remembered how their date had really started and bit his lip. He couldn’t tell these three, no matter how much like family they were, about his panic attack. He didn’t know how to say it, or if it was anything worth worrying about. “I -- it -- well it was good. We had a great time.”

“You think you’re getting away with that?” Aline asked incredulously. “Okay, Alec, what is with you because you have been failing as a best friend lately. First of all you are a completely closed book about your entire summer, and now you shut me out of your date details. Do you want to be demoted?”

“Aline, let him breathe, yeah?” Helen told her girlfriend as she slid back into the booth. Their cups were filled shortly after by their disgruntled waitress and silence fell after she sauntered away to flirt with a group of boys a few tables over. It was clear they wouldn’t be seeing her much. Aline stared at him keenly with her green eyes, silently demanding Alec say something more than the bare minimum.

“Before you guys start the gossip,” Simon cut in, giving Alec a few more seconds to organize his thoughts. “Has anyone heard from Will? I don’t mean to sound paranoid, but he missed the last practice and then I tried texting him yesterday with nothing. Is our drummer showing up tonight?”

“Magnus told me he was completely pumped for tonight, so I’m guessing he’ll be there.” Alec confirmed, a bundle of uncertainty forming as Simon pointed out the glaring absence. “Y’know we probably should have invited him this morning. This is our pre-show tradition.”

“He’s been a bit busy,” Aline said with a wicked grin. “Apparently he and that Tessa girl broke it off yesterday after she kissed someone else. Everyone is all over that since last night.”

“You’re behind, dear,” Helen mocked with a roll of her eyes. “James posted this morning saying that nothing was going on between them and kindly asking everyone to fuck off about it. That guy has too much class to be in high school. I think he was born at twenty-five years old because he is twice as mature as anyone in this school, besides maybe Alec.”

“Not by choice,” Alec muttered, finally feeling more awake with his second cup halfway gone.

“So, James is single then?” Simon asked without looking at any of them. Alec nearly groaned at the way Aline’s eyes lit up. Simon should really know better than to ask that kind of question in front of her. 

“That’s right,” Aline said coyly. “Simon has a crush on James Carstairs.”

“I told you that months ago,” Simon groaned, obviously hoping she’d forgotten.

“You really thought she’d forget something like that?” Helen asked with an eyebrow raised. “Do you know Aline at all?”

“Wait, you like James?” Alec asked with an incredulous look at the boy next to him. Simon had his head hanging between his arms and hands locked at the back of his neck. “When did that happen?”

“It’s nothing,” Simon waved a hand vaguely, but kept looking at the table. “I just find him attractive. Nothing crazy. He’s an attractive guy is all.”

“He deserves to find a boy cute after your sister destroyed him,” Aline said with a sour expression. Alec felt his chest tighten at the mention of his sister and took a long sip of coffee to try and distract himself from it. 

“Lay off of Iz,” Alec said sharply, only thinking of his sister lying in bed instead of bouncing between a dozen activities like any other given day. “She’s got a lot going on.”

“Is she okay?” Helen asked slowly before Aline could butt in that that was no excuse. 

“No,” Alec admitted, knowing he could tell these three absolutely anything. “She collapsed yesterday while she was exercising. She has a concussion and a nasty burn. Something is going on with her, but I don’t know what.”

“Do you think she’s sick?” Simon asked, looking nearly as anxious as Alec felt. The feeling in his chest wasn’t going away and the longer he thought about it the more it felt like something was absolutely crushing him. 

“The nurse told us they found she was dehydrated, which probably made her faint,” Alec reported, forcing himself to keep his breathing even. “That makes no sense to us because I never see her without a water bottle in hand. She’s been exercising for years now. I know she’s smart enough to have water with her. I’m worried about her.” Alec ran a hand through his hair as the four of them fell silent briefly with the arrival of their food. They passed around the syrup and took a few bites before anyone resumed their conversation.

“Do you think whatever is going on made her break up with Simon?” Aline asked, her voice the calmest it had been when mentioning his sister in months.

“The break up makes no sense,” Alec confessed, though he didn’t touch his food. He was having trouble relaxing and his stomach felt like it was in knots. “She would tell me if you did anything.” He gestured to SImon with his fork. “She was really happy with you before we went away.”

“Which brings us back to L.A. mystery,” Helen concluded. Alec frowned her way, wishing she wouldn’t gang up on him too. She shrugged and held up her hands. “Look, you know we wouldn’t care so much if it wasn’t obvious something was going on. You’ve been off since you came back. Your sister has been way different.”

“It’s hard to explain,” Alec said slowly as he nodded to their waitress for a refill on coffee. He tore apart his pancakes for something to do with his hands while he tried to put together his thoughts. His summer had consisted of nothing at all happening and everything changing all at the same time. “Nothing happened exactly, that’s why it’s hard to tell anything. We went to L.A. and our mother was as distant as ever. She was in the middle of some kind of modeling competition so she dragged Izzy to that a lot. I was left alone a lot. My mother told me I was a disappointment a lot, but that’ s not new. She hates that I’m reclusive. She hates that I’m in a band. Though she doesn’t hate that I’m gay which is good. She’s not bad, but I guess when you have Dad on the other end it gets to you.”

“Your parents are shit,” Aline said empathetically as she wrapped Alec’s hands in hers. Alec squeezed them in thanks, but didn’t know what to say. His mother was a different person than when she had lived on the east coast. She was so much colder, and full of sharp angles and shaper words. He hated who she was now, and after dealing with his father it’d be nice to have a proper escape. 

“I think she said something to Isabelle,” Alec finally said after a few moments. “They went out together for the day a few weeks before we left to come home. Since that day Izzy’s been off. She’s been closed off and it’s weird. We’ve always been best friends, and now it’s like she’s pulling away as hard as she can.”

“Maybe she’s just working through something,” Helen suggested, taking the optimistic road. “Look I know a lot of people a little freaked over senior year being here. We’ve all known that we had to leave high school eventually, but now it’s here. That weirds some people out. Your sister has more or less completely loved high school and she might be freaked about leaving.” Alec tried to let himself believe Helen’s simple explanation, but his gut told him it was something more. 

“I have to go,” Simon said apologetically. “I promised Becca I’d go with her to look at a car today. She thinks she found a good one so we’ll see. I”ll see you guys tonight?”

“You got it,” Alec said with a grin as he held out a fist for Simon to knock gently with his own. “Tonight will be amazing.”

“Are you okay?” Aline asked more seriously as Helen went to the bathroom and Simon disappeared through the front door. Alec glanced at her and bit his lip, undecided of how much he should say. 

“I think I had a panic attack last night,” Alec whispered to her. Aline’s eyes sharpened on him as she inhaled sharply. “Magnus actually brought me out of it. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know if it’s going to happen again. Everything is getting to me with Dad, Aline. I don’t know if I can handle this anymore.”

“It’s only a few months Alec,” Aline said as she hugged him tightly. “We’re all going to make it through this year and then it will get better. We can live our own lives how we want to. I don’t know what else to tell you.” She settled for holding his hand as she looked at him with her eyes begging him to know if she could make it all better she would. 

“Okay,” Helen said as she approached them again. “I’m ready to go get a hot new outfit for tonight. See you tonight, Alec?”

“Bye guys,” Alec hugged them both before they headed out the door and separated their own separate ways. As excited as Alec was for the show tonight, he was even more excited to see Magnus again. That boy was his bright spot on a dark day, and his days seemed to only keep getting darker.


	6. Chapter 6

Well, have you guys forgotten me by now?? Seriously I know it’s been so long, but a lot has been going on with big big plans for the future. Trust me when I tell you that I’m always thinking about this fic and moaning about how I wish I could write faster. I think my muse has come back, so that’s good! It left for way too long. I hope you guys like this chapter, even if it’s not my favorite. I think that’s because I wrote it in so many tiny sections and just yeah. So I really hope you like it, and you guys get some good content next chapter!! I love all my readers so so much and thank you for sticking around for my updates that have suddenly become sporadic. You guys make this so much more fun to write!! Happy Reading!! Leave a comment if you have time!

Disclaimer: The lyrics in this chapter belong to the wonderful Daughtry, and not me. Also just for kicks, the TMI and TID characters belong to Cassie and also not me. 

 

Isabelle woke up dazed and a tad disoriented as to why she felt so awful. She winced as her arm brushed against her sheets when she sat up slowly. She remembered yesterday, and the terrible scare she had caused her family. She didn’t remember what had happened. She had been jogging on the treadmill as usual, but then she was stuck in an ambulance being whisked off to the hospital. Her family didn’t need her useless drama right now. That’s all she was, a plastic barbie doll causing unnecessary trouble. 

She’d been lying down all day, but the moment she went to do anything she got that terrible pain behind her eyes. She was stuck doing nothing. It may just drive her completely crazy. 

“Izzy?” Alec poked his head in and Izzy enthusiastically waved him in. The worry in Alec’s eyes hurt, and she wondered how she managed to get a brother like him in the first place. Alec was so kind, and he filled a few holes left by their parents in the years following the divorce. Alec was there when nobody else was. He was her twin brother, but he took care of her like he was years older. He never went out except for his gig on Saturdays. He never had a night to chill on the couch and neglect his work. He was always cooking for them, and making sure laundry was caught up. He was the one going to the store after school so they had food. He took Max to orientation this past spring. 

“I’m not on my deathbed,” Izzy teased him, hoping to get him to smile. HIs lips quirked up a little, but the look persisted. “Come in! Are you ready for your show tonight?”

“I can’t do the liner,” Alec held up the pencil with a helpless shrug and a half smile. She patted the bed in front of her, ignoring the way the change in equilibrium made her head spin. “You need to actually teach me how to do this.”

“Why? Am I going somewhere?” The question fell a bit heavier than she intended. He pursed his lips and waited for her to finish the bottom before speaking. 

“Are you feeling better? You can have a pain pill if you need one.” Alec looked into her eyes as he asked her questions she’d never answer honestly. “I’ll change your bandage first thing in the morning.”

“I’m okay,” Izzy assured him as she rested a hand on his arm. 

“You aren’t,” Alec insisted quietly, his blue eyes studying her closely. He was starting to see through her careful walls, and it shouldn’t surprise her. “You aren’t yourself. You’re quieter, and you hide more. You’re taking on too much work and you work out twice as much as you used to. You’ve hardly eaten a thing-”

“I’ve eaten,” Izzy cut in loudly, her heart pounding. “It’s just been snacks here and there. You worry too much. It’s just a busy year this year. I’m doing all this to put on college applications. We have to fill those out next month.”

“You broke up with the person that made you happier than anyone else has in a long time,” Alec said, his voice soft. Izzy’s hand shook slightly as she finished the last touch of liner on his left eye. Her heart felt like it had stopped completely as Simon’s face popped into her head. His sweet smile, honest brown eyes, and mop of messy hair. His laugh wouldn’t leave her memory, or the tender moments they shared. 

“Simon and I weren’t going to work,” She said calmly. She forced the memories back into the box she kept them in at the back of her mind. 

“You just decided this randomly when you were across the country?” Alec had really tried not to get involved in this, but it was inevitable he’d get into this with her eventually. Simon had been his best friend their entire lives. He’d been there for as long as she could remember. He’d come on vacations with them when they had all been younger and their family hadn’t been a complete mess. He was at family birthday gatherings. Simon was in all of her memories, and cutting him out was killing her. 

“Distance gives you clarity sometimes,” Izzy told her brother, trying to make him believe. “Simon has no other goals than his music. I need him to be more than the guy with a guitar. He needs a plan other than to be a rockstar.”

“He’s scared Izzy,” Alec frowned at her like she was an idiot. “He doesn’t really plan on being any kind of rockstar. He doesn’t know what to say about the future. He’ll probably tag along to college with us and figure it out. I’m sure he will be a music major, but that doesn’t make him a bum. He could teach music then. He’d never let you down.”

“God, Alec,” Izzy was running out of excuses. “Just let it go. Simon and I are done. I’m done”

“He didn’t do anything!” Alec was trying to keep his voice down for her headache, but he was getting upset. “He calls me upset today. He tells me he can’t play as well without you anymore. You’re the reason he ever got on stage that first show! You aren’t even speaking to him! I need a better reason than just because.”

“I can’t-” Izzy was starting to get choked up as her Simon box was leaking open with Alec’s words. She remembered the show two years ago. Simon being pale and so nervous. His hands shaking where he held his guitar. A cold sweat breaking out as they waited their turn to play their set. She had felt so bad for him and when he had dived outside to hurl in a garbage can she had gone after him. She had rubbed his back and helped straighten his shirt. She had given him a pep talk and kissed him on the cheek. The first time her lips had touched his skin had left them tingling for hours afterwards. “You have to know how much I m-miss him.” Izzy’s breath hitched as she tried to hold back a sob. “It’s complicated Alec. I need to let him go. I need space from him. I can’t be with him right now.” The truth was she felt broken apart in far too many pieces to be with anyone right now. She didn’t deserve Simon, not right now. He didn’t want her broken. He wanted his queen, and right now she felt like nothing more than a peasant.

“Shh Izzy I’m sorry,” Alec cooed softly as he took her in his arms to hold her. She clung to him more tightly than she probably should. His arms felt safe, and like she could be put together again for a moment. “Don’t cry beautiful, you’ll make your headache worse.”

Izzy pursed her lips together and tried to stop her tears. Her tears now weren’t just for Simon, but also for Robert. She had lost a father two years ago, but she had her own fond memories of the past. Robert used to call her beautiful all the time. It was his pet name for her, and now she was nothing to him. He called her a whore and told her how spoiled she was. Alec reminded her of what it was like to be held and feel like everything would be okay for a moment. She missed her family, and as hard as Alec tried he couldn’t make up for it. 

“Maybe I should stay home,” Alec murmured as he pulled out his phone. Isabelle was quick to snatch it from him as she wiped her eyes with the other hand. 

“Don’t even think about it,” She insisted forcefully. “You love this show more than anything. You look hot and you have a hotter boy waiting for you. This is the only thing you do for yourself.” She sniffed hard and tried to brighten her demeanor. “I’m fine I promise. I’ll watch a few movies with Mike and Max then you’ll be home.

“I’ll sleep with you tonight,” Alec promised her quietly as he kissed her forehead. She felt immeasurably comforted as she waved him off. 

She laid down on her side, clutching the locket she wore around her neck. It had been a gift from Simon, and the one thing she couldn’t get rid of yet. She didn’t know what was happening to her. She didn't’ know when these thoughts had crept in that wouldn’t go away. She didn’t know when food started to look and smell completely unappetizing. She just wanted to be loved again. She just wanted to feel complete. She wanted to go back to being a queen of her own world.

These peasant clothes didn’t seem to fit right.

MBALMBALMBAL

“Damn it,” Magnus cursed as he burned himself on his straightener. He was getting ready for tonight, despite being in pain from cramps and hating his own reflection. His binder had broken that morning which had sent him into a bad headspace most of the morning. He was using an ace bandage which wasn’t good to use, but it was all he had. The injections could only do so much, and he’d never have a flat chest without surgery. The ace bandage was tighter than he was used to, or it did no good at all. He was uncomfortable in every way he could think of with nobody to talk to about it since his three friends were still wrapped up in what was happening online. 

His hair finally hung straight the way he wanted it to, but his make-up was still more or less a disaster. His liner was too thick, and the shadow wasn’t the effect he wanted. He was going to a gay club for the first time, and as a guy. If one thing would go right today this wouldn’t be so stressful.

He wiped all of it off and started from scratch, trying to make himself look like the picture in his mind. Trying to make Margaret disappear completely, but he wasn’t sure that would ever happen. His former self was a ghost at his shoulder, always staring at him and judging. With each stroke of liner and swipe of mascara she faded and Magnus felt a bit happier. He got the shading right and the lines under his eyes even at last. He pulled on his clothes and turned back around again. The shirt clung to him, still being a women’s top. He didn’t like to admit it, but his frame hadn’t buffed up enough to fit into men’s clothing. When he tried it was always too big in the shoulders. Then again these tops hung weirdly in the chest area with his binder on. He knew the details were small and that nobody would ever truly know the difference. He could wear tees and polos in men’s wear, but the slinky tops were better for clubbing. He couldn’t help but love the shirt, no matter what. He smiled a tiny smile to his reflection before he grabbed his jacket and headed out into the hallway. He heard thumps and talking from the other room so he went to sit on Will’s bed and wait for the lot of them to be ready.

Will and Jem shared a room, and normally the latter kept it mostly spotless, lucky for Will. As organized as Will could be when it came to school, he was the opposite at home. He set things down in random places and never put them back where they belonged. Especially books, there was a book on every surface possible in their house thanks to Will. Right now the room was a disaster as Jem leaned on the doorjamb to the bathroom, obviously talking to Will. 

“Am I ready first?” Magnus asked with a grin as he sat on the bed with a bit of a bounce. “This never happens.”

“He’s been fighting with Tessa for the last hour instead of leaving her alone and getting ready,” Jem explained as he nodded to his boyfriend swearing and shaving in the mirror. 

“Fighting?” Magnus scrunched his nose. “Why would you fight with her now of all times?”

“She’s being an idiot and refusing to come tonight.” Will shouted from the bathroom. “She says it’s too weird and that she hasn’t decided how to act yet.”

“I thought we decided you guys were going to do what you’ve always done.” Magnus reminded them of his very smart suggestion, in his opinion. Jem was smiling at him without saying a word, but Magnus could almost read his mind. Jem never made a big deal of the times when Magnus let himself be who he wanted, and didn’t hide behind any masks. He just quietly approved and it made Magnus blush lightly as he distracted himself by playing tetris on his phone.

“Tell that to her!” Will said with a huff as he finished and rinsed his face of the residue shaving cream. “She thinks that people are going to be catty and hateful. Jem already shut them all up with a post on facebook anyways.”

“You posted about it?” Magnus glanced at his quiet friend to see his small smile dropped and he looked unsure of his choices.

“I nipped it in the bud,” Jem said with a shrug. “I just said that everything was fine between the three of us and that it was nobody’s business. The messages I was getting were ridiculous, and Tess’s page wouldn’t stop. I haven’t looked at the page since, but I tried at least.”

“She’s going to stay home alone instead,” Will looked as if the thought was killing him. He stopped after putting on a pair of jeans to stare at Magnus. “Holy shit, you look amazing. What am I supposed to wear?”

“I have an idea,” Jem cut in as he walked over to their closet. Will wore an amused grin but left him to it.

“So, excited to see Alec again? You guys had a good time, right?” Will wore a smirk, and Magnus sighed softly as he thought of last night. Of the teasing and the laughter. Of the easy conversation. Of the way Alec’s eyes lit up when he talked about something he was passionate about. 

“Yeah, he’s something else,” Magnus said softly, shaking his head softly to make himself focus on the present. 

“Okay, put this on,” Jem said with a smile as he tossed a shirt to Will. 

“Seriously James?” Will looked nearly embarrassed as he tugged the, well, he supposed you could call it a shirt. It was black and the sides were ripped from the hem to under the arm. It was sleeveless and accented all his best features. His abs were on display, which was probably why it was picked.

“C’mon, it fits the band thing,” Jem teased as he tossed Will his jacket and picked up his own. Magnus followed his best friends as a thrill of anticipation went through him. He was more than excited to see Alec play, to hear him sing. He wanted to see the way the shadows would play on his pale skin under the bright lights. He wanted to feel that high that being around Alec brought him. The way he was so caught up in the moment with the other boy that nothing else seemed to matter. The world disappeared when Alec looked at him, smiled at him, or just spoke with him. He was Magnus Bane, and he had no demons. He wasn’t different, wasn’t a freak. 

The ride there was short and Magnus’s heart was racing as they walked into the club. The place wasn’t too crowded yet since it was early, but a crowd was already gathering. Will wasn’t lying when he said Mortal Instruments was a popular band. They bypassed the crowd through a door into a hallway with a few rooms dotted here and there. Will led the way as they peeked in room to room, trying to find Alec. Drag queens occupied most of them as they got ready for a show they’d put on after the bands were done. After 11pm the place turned into a drag show, with the best queens this side of Manhattan. 

They found Alec, Simon, Helen, and Aline in a room to the left, just in back of the stage. Simon was quiet as he tuned his guitar while the the rest of them were talking enthusiastically in excited tones. Alec was lit up with excitement. His hands gestured wildly as he spoke with Aline and the eyeliner made his blue eyes pop more than they usually did. Magnus felt the butterflies increase ten fold having Alec in front of him. 

“Are we ready to get this thing started?” Will called out as they walked in the room. The four of them turned their way before they were surrounded by people talking and leading them out a back door to Simon’s van. Magnus didn’t know Simon, but he seemed off. He was very quiet around his close friends. Alec kept glancing his way, but obviously didn’t want to draw any more attention to it than was necessary. 

They unloaded drums, guitars, amps, speakers, and dozens of cords. Aline never stopped talking the entire time, and her flow with Alec was uncanny. They fed off each other like nobody Magnus had ever seen. He set the stuff down where directed and drifted off to the side to watch. He had no idea what to do with all the equipment anyways. He liked to watch Alec direct everyone and tease his friends. It was much different than the quiet Alec he had had with him in the car, and yet so very different still from the boy sobbing in the car. Alec never did tell him what had brought him to that state, but looking at him now you wouldn’t think it possible. 

“Hi,” Alec had appeared in front of him from seemingly nowhere. Magnus jumped and felt his face grow warm at the other boy’s close proximity. He smelled amazing and with that tight shirt on Magnus had a hard time looking anywhere else. “You’re hiding over here.”

“I’m not,” Magnus protested with a small smile. “I’m just trying not to be in the way. I have no idea what to do with any of that.”

“You would never be in the way,” Alec said, and his smile made it clear he was flirting. “How was your night? I hear, well Aline really said, that your friends aren’t having the best time?”

“It’s all over the internet practically,” Magnus agreed. “It’s just a host of rumors that’ll die down eventually.”

“We’ve got five minutes, Alec!” Simon called from where he was plugging in the last chord and everything looked set up. 

“All right, kicking everyone out not actually playing!” Alec announced with a small wink at Magnus. Could he make his stomach flip any more tonight? 

“I”m Aline,” A short girl latched onto his arm as they went back to the hall and down to the main room with the stage. Her smile was contagious and her entire body thrummed with energy. Her skin was lighter was his, but not as pale as Alec’s. Her dark eyes were alight with excitement and there were streaks of purple in her hair. “You guys should come be with Helen and I during the show. We’ll introduce you to the owner, Charlie, and we can get you drinks if that’s your thing. Charlie is a terrible person that gives us drinks. He’s going to get caught for it one day, but not from any of us. As Alec’s best friend, I must get to know his new bae.”

“Oh God, Aline cut it out,” Helen said from behind them. Magnus knew the two of them were dating by watching and by different context clues. They were an adorable couple, with their contrasts making them striking together. “Alec is going to murder you.”

“That boy couldn’t hurt a hair on me,” Aline was completely confident in her answer, and it’d been clear since the first moment Magnus had seen them interact in that math classroom that Alec adored this girl. “I’m not going to interrogate him, that’s Izzy’s job. I’m just going to spend time with him. If he’s going to date Alec, then he has to get on with us. It’s a rule.”

“Alec and I aren’t-- I mean we -- “ Magnus sputtered, completely taken aback by her matter of fact attitude about the entire thing.

“You will be,” Aline waved a hand airily. “Alec is crazy about you. He always says more by what he doesn’t say. “ Magnus wasn’t sure exactly what she meant by that. Before he could think on that too much the lights went out as the spotlights were brought up on the stage. The crowd squeezed into the front room cheered enthusiastically. The three on stage were grinning like crazy as they took in their fans, old and new.

“Hello!” Alec greeted with a small wave. His grin was making Magnus smile as well as he watched. The lights were doing amazing things to Alec’s skin with the shadows it cast and the way his blue eyes shone. “Welcome back to another year with Mortal Instruments! I see a lot of familiar faces, so thank you for coming back! I also see just as many new faces so thank you for giving us a chance. We are working on making a cd and are taking donations at the table in the back-.”

“Fuck,” Helen swore as she broke away from them, obviously having forgotten that someone had to run said table.

“Also if you go back to that table we are taking requests for the last half of the show. Most of you know the music we typically play, but even if we don’t usually play that song, if we know it we’ll do our best for you guys! Now, let’s get to the music!” The crowd cheered again as Alec struck the first chords and the other two joined in enthusiastically. As the room came alive with people dancing Magnus felt uncomfortable for a few moments, just until the point that Alec opened his mouth again to sing. The sound captured his attention so fully that the mass of bodies seemed to disappear completely. Alec’s voice was breathtaking, and it seemed to calm his soul in a way nothing else did. The song was one he didn’t know, but it was wonderful simply because Alec was the one singing. 

The show went on smoothly and the three boys on stage were having the time of their lives if their grins were anything to go by. The crowd was enjoying them and the room had come completely alive. It was a good hour and a half show, and by the end he could see the droplets of sweat glistening on Alec’s body. 

“Thank you everyone!” Alec called out, a bit out of breath. He looked exhilarated and like he was exactly where he belonged. Magnus was surrounded by Aline, Helen, and Jem. He felt like he was finally finding his place in the world for just this moment. “I think this is the best show we’ve had yet!”

“He says that every time,” Simon deadpanned into his mic, making the crowd chuckle as Alec flipped him off. If the stage made Alec look alive, it was nothing compared to Simon. He moved differently when he was on stage, and he became a totally different person. He was confident, and didn’t look as lost as he did these days wandering around school. 

“Well this is the last song for tonight,” Alec announced, regret in his voice. “Daughtry was the request, so I’m taking the liberty of using my favorite. I don’t listen to much of him, but this song is strangely appropriate in my life just now.” He leaned to whisper something to Simon, who thought for a long moment before indicating to WIll what kind of beat he should set up. The song had a soft beat and was a tad slower than the rest of the show had been. The girls went crazy, along with Magnus’s heartbeat, as Alec’s voice was softer this time and much prettier. His blue eyes travelled crowd until they locked onto Magnus just in time for the chorus.

“I know that it’s gonna take some time  
Got to admit the thought has crossed my mind  
This might end up like it should  
And I’m gonna say what I need to say  
And hope to God it don’t scare you away  
Don’t wanna be misunderstood  
But I’m starting to believe   
That this might be the start of something good”

He looked away again the moment the chorus was over to look over the crowd, but a smile had made it’s way across Magnus’s face all the same. The words were exactly what had been on his mind since the date last night. Part of him knew it was too early to hope for this to come of anything with all they had between them, but it was hard not to. Hope was so fragile,and Magnus had found himself not hoping for much over the last few years. With all the hate clouding his mind for who he was, it never occurred to him to hope for someone like Alec to walk into his life. 

“I think some might call that a bit of a grand gesture,” Jem said into his ear with his eyebrows raised. Magnus laughed and shook his head. 

“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” Magnus protested, mostly not to get his own hopes up too high. His stomach was full of butterflies as he watched Alec wrap up the last song and say goodbye to the crowd for the night. The room was positively buzzing as the lights came back on as the stage was cleared off to wait for the music and dancing to begin later on. The show had been a complete success and Magnus thought sadly that it was a shame for Tessa to have missed it. 

The four of them made their way to the same hallway to wait for the three of them to be done organizing what they needed to and to help carry stuff back out to the van. Helen and Aline pounced on Alec with hugs and kisses to his cheeks. The blue-eyed boy blushed and waved away their squeals and compliments. Jem kissed WIll against the wall, evidently showing him just how hot Will had looked up on that stage. Aline and Helen finally moved on to attack Simon next with hugs and compliments. Magnus ran a hand through his hair as he was finally left alone with Alec. 

“You were amazing,” Magnus wanted to be much more elaborate with his compliment, but it summed it up nicely enough. Alec’s grin was contagious as he stepped closer to Magnus. He still smelled like the cologne he always wore, a musky sort of scent that made Magnus’s stomach flip pleasantly. His blue eyes were lit with fire and passion again like they had been that night in the car when they were talking. 

“Did you like the last song?” Alec’s smile had softened to more of a shy smirk as he waited for Magnus’s answer. 

“It was a good one,” Magnus agreed, unsure of hoping what that gesture meant. Alec nodded, understanding that maybe the gesture would go unacknowledged for now. His hand brushed Alec’s as they walked out to the van as they both carried a speaker under an arm. Alec took his hand gently and squeezed. 

“Oh Mr. Lightwood could we please get an autograph?” A fake falsetto voice rang out as they entered the back lot. The street lights had come on bathing the lot in an orange glow. Magnus shivered lightly in the crisp air. They all looked to see the blonde from lunch the other day walking towards them, Alec’s brother. He had an arm around a tiny red-headed girl as he walked towards them. There was a tall figure behind them that Magnus couldn’t quite see yet. 

“I’m sorry sir but we’re going to have to call security if you get any closer,” Simon said with a grin, making to stand in front of Alec like a bodyguard would. 

“Nice show bro,” The blonde said, this time with a genuine smile. Magnus knew Alec had three siblings, but the blonde certainly didn’t fit into the color scheme of the family.   
“I think the request part went well,” Alec agreed, flushed with success. “I was surprised the place was so packed. The first show normally is a bit of a dud with everyone busy with settling into school and then word has to get out to the new students.”

“You’re welcome, it’s all because of me,” Will said arrogantly as he hopped down from the back of the van. Magnus knew Jem was rolling his eyes without even looking at him. 

“You’re as arrogant as Izzy said,” The blonde said with a shake of his head. The smiling girl under his arm finally laughed loudly at that. 

“Right Jace, because we all know you’re the king of modesty,” She giggled and shoved his arm off her playfully. She turned to Alec with a smile Magnus could only call mischievous. “So, Alec, I invited someone I thought you might like to see again.” She waved a hand and Magnus watched as the figure in the shadows stepped out into the light. Beside him Alec seemed to nearly stop breathing completely as his eyes brightened in an entirely new way than what Magnus had seen before. 

“Jon?” The name rolled easily in a breathless tone from Alec’s lips. He was biting his lip gently, as if he hoped desperately that he wasn’t wrong. The figure was now smiling as broadly as Alec had been on stage. His blonde hair flopped over his forehead attractively, falling slightly in his emerald green eyes. He was tall, and incredibly attractive from head to toe. He was fit enough ti was evident he played sports as a hobby, or was a gym rat. 

“Alec, oh god it’s so good to see you again,” The figure said as he came even with the blonde and his girlfriend. Magnus really should get their names straight. Right now his mind was on overdrive and he had a pressing need to know who this stranger was. Also why Alec looked so ecstatic to see him. 

“Jon!” This time Alec took off at a sprint to launch himself in the stranger’s arms. Jon scooped him up and they were both laughing loudly and started talking a mile a minute. It was obvious they were close. Aline appeared at Magnus’s elbow with a face he couldn’t read. She didn’t look as fond as the rest of the group did at this reunion.

“Do you like this guy?” Magnus asked her, trusting her judgement. He might not have known her long, but he liked her already. She bit the inside of her cheek for a moment before answering.

“I...It’s not that. Jon is alright. He was good to Alec, but I don’t know what good this is going to do.” She shook her head gently.

“So, who is this guy? How does Alec know him?” Magnus had to know, even if he had a very strong feeling he wouldn’t like the answer.

“Oh, well, that’s Alec’s ex,” Aline looked uncomfortable, and Magnus got an impression this was an unusual expression for her. She seemed very comfortable with exactly who she was and everything about her life. 

He felt his stomach lurch and all the butterflies from only an hour earlier disappeared. How was he ever going to measure up to that?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody!!!!! I am so so sorry this took so long to get posted!!!! I really have been working on this chapter every chance I could!! I moved cross country a week ago so that took up a couple weeks of my time, but now I'm pretty settled and in a good place to write again! I hope you enjoy this chapter, and we are getting closer to our Malec being together!! Happy Reading!!!

~~ Nine Months Earlier~~

Alec was so nervous he felt like he might lose the contents of his stomach all over the hallway floor outside of Jonathan's room. The soft lighting suddenly looked intimidating and the hum of the air conditioning roared in his ears. He had no idea how Jonathan would act towards him right now. His father had had a very enlightening talk with him when they had been trying to have one peaceful night together playing pool. Alec should have known it was not an innocent gesture. He really should know how Robert Lightwood works by now. 

“Jon,” Alec called softly as he laid a hand on the door. He heard rustling inside and could only imagine the emotions working through his boyfriend right now. “Your sister let me in, but I can go if you need me to.”

“You know,” Jonathan said flatly as he opened the door with a blank face. Alec nearly flinched at the lack of emotion there. He had come to read Jonathan to easily, and right now, he couldn’t. “Your dad is a fucking piece of work.”

“I know,” Alec muttered in sympathy. Jon left the door open as he went back over to his desk. Jonathan’s room was easily twice the size of Alec’s own, which was really saying something. Right now it was a complete disaster and the reason why made Alec’s chest hurt. The walls were bare above Jonathan’s bed, the ones where all of his Columbia posters had hung since the first day Alec had met him. He had had so many different posters, pamphlets, banners, and anything else he could get his hands on. He had worked incredibly hard to get into Columbia with his football scholarship. Alec remembered well the day his acceptance letter came in the mail. They had all celebrated and he had scooped Alec off his feet to kiss him. They had both celebrated since Jon would be staying right there in the city and at the school of his dreams. It was the perfect solution for next year and Alec couldn’t have been happier about it all.

Unfortunately his unwavering happiness was the cue for his father to mess his life up, starting with Columbia. 

“He knows everyone,” Jon ranted with pain starkly evident in his voice. He was taking magnets down from the board behind his desk to throw them in the box with the rest of the things that only symbolized all he was working for, all of his dreams. “It’s uncanny how he could know my football coach and the dean of admissions to Columbia.”

“I’m so sorry.” Alec knew his apology wasn’t going to make anything better, or make the dreams any more a reality. 

“You don’t need to apologize.” Jon’s voice was slightly softer as he flopped down next to where Alec sat on the edge of his bed with his entire body tense. “It’s not even entirely your dad’s fault to be honest. I probably would have been miserable there considering. I would have had to be in the closet for another four years and who can say if I’d want to do that?”

“They were horrible for taking it away because of your sexuality,” Alec agreed quietly. “That doesn’t make it any less my fault.”

“Would you quit it with that?” Jon snapped at him, but his eyes held a loving look. “This is in no way your fault. You don’t control your parents.”

 

Alec was shaking as he played with a thread on the duvet below him. He knew this had to end tonight. He had come over here knowing what he had to do to make this better for Jon. He didn’t want to do it, actually he felt physically ill thinking about it, and yet it was what had to be done. Jon wouldn’t put it together the way he needed to and do it for him. Alec knew the pieces all too well. He desperately wanted to be selfish and keep Jonathan as his, but that wouldn’t be fair. 

“We have to end this,” Alec said to his feet, his eyes mysteriously dry. He heard Jonathan still his movements of packing up every trace of his dream. For a long moment, there was nothing but torturous silence.

“What are you talking about? Why would we end anything? You are not the problem here, only your father.” Jon had gone very pale and very still, unsure of where to move and how. Alec had never wanted to hurt him, but now he saw there was no other way for this all to go. 

“My father destroyed your dream of an Ivy League school,” Alec said quietly and calmly. “He outed you to your school and he didn’t feel an ounce of regret. What will stop him from your next choice of school, or the one after that? My dad is not angry with you, he’s angry with me. He’s angry I’m different. He hates that I like men. He’s attacking you because of the way he feels about me.”

“That doesn’t mean…” Jonathan’s voice didn’t hold as much conviction as before, and Alec knew he was starting to see things the way he did. He was seeing how skewered their future would be.

“I can’t have you ending up at some tech school or community college when you want more than that. You’ve worked hard to get into a dozen universities with outstanding scholarships. You deserve all that you’ve worked for,” Alec wiped the few tears that had traitorously escaped his eyes. 

“School isn’t everything,” Jon said softly, coming to sit next to Alec on the bed and putting an arm around him. “A degree is a degree no matter where I get it from. We could stay together and work things out. You only have another year at home anyways, and then all of this will be over. Alec, we can’t-”

“School means a lot, and you deserve all of it,” Alec said as the tears fell faster now. “I’m not having you-”

“This isn’t up to you,” Jon said sternly. His green eyes were bright like Clary’s got when she talked about art and Jace, her two passions. He was looking at Alec as if he loved him, and they hadn’t gotten that far yet. They’d only been dating a few months, and it had to be over. If this was the moment Jon decided to tell him that he loved him, it would break Alec’s’ heart completely. “Alec, there are two of us in this relationship. Your father is insane, we both know that. His temper makes him do crazy, horrible things. I’m not afraid of him. I will get into college, just maybe not as football. I’ll have to go to a cheaper school, and that’s not the worst thing in the world.”

“You want to be a surgeon,” Alec reminded him. Jon had talked of nothing else the last few months. “Your dreams are important.”

“I can accomplish that through any college with a medical degree.” Jon had a frown appearing on his forehead. He stood up again and studied Alec. Alec was trying to hide his tears, but it was getting more difficult. He sniffed hard and tried to not let his mind spiral into what losing Jonathan would be like. He had to get through this moment, and then he’d get through the rest of his life. He wouldn’t be falling apart over a boy, that wasn’t how this was going to end. His life would be just fine even without Jonathan. “You’re afraid of him.”

“What?” Alec’s head snapped up and for a moment his own grief was forgotten. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re afraid of your father. You think he’ll come after you if he’s through with me.” Jon was acting like he had figured out a difficult word problem, and Alec wasn’t convinced he was wrong. 

“I have another year at home,” Alec said before he could filter the words spilling out of his mouth. “I have a year and a half left to take care of Jace and Izzy and Max. I have eighteen months before we can get away from him.”

“We’ll get a place together,” Jonathan soothed him. “I can get an off campus apartment, and then you’ll be safe with me. We can get you away from Robert.”

“I have school,” Alec saw a million flaws with this. “I have siblings to take care of. Lord knows my dad won’t do it. He’s never there, except to make them feel awful. My mom only walked out on us last year. There is no way I can just run away like this. Wouldn’t you do anything for Clary?”

“Your dad is abusive,” Jon strode back over to him and took his face in his hands. Alec was back on the verge of tears at Jon’s large hands cradling his face. “He isn’t good for you. Your brother and sister have each other. They’ll be okay. I love you Alec, so much. I can’t let you go over some homophobic asshole.” Jon had said the words aloud, and there was no way to take them back. They hung in the air between them, tangible and heavy. The first time a boy said he loved him, and he had to break both their hearts. 

“Jon, there isn’t a future for us,” Alec said, but the words were like knives rolling off his tongue. He felt the same way Jonathan did, or he knew he could. It’d be so easy to fall completely in love with Jonathan.

“Why are you letting him win?” Jon’s voice was rising in both anger and slight hysteria. It was clear to both of them that plans of running away were not going to happen. This wasn’t that kind of love story. Theirs was the kind that was so horribly unfair you wanted to hit something as hard as you could and scream into the abyss. “Why are you doing this, Alec?”

“I have to do this, for us both.” Alec stood on knees that felt like jelly. His heart was aching so badly it felt like it was literally going to break apart. “You love me too much to do this. I love you too much not to.” He took a deep breath and laid a hand on Jonathan’s face, his blonde hair tickling his fingers. The green eyes were void of tears, but they still told every bit of pain Alec was causing him. “You got into Yale as well. Go there and be happy. New Haven will put you far enough away that my father won’t care any longer. Go kick ass and be a surgeon and play your heart out.”

“Alec, please don’t do this. I don’t want you protecting me. I’m telling you I don’t care about whether I go to an Ivy league school or not.” The pleading tone in Jonathan’s voice was making the tears fall all over again. 

“I know you better than that,” Alec sobbed as his knees wobbled. Jon moved as if to put his arms around him, but Alec moved away before he could. He only had an ounce of resolve left, and walking away would take all of that and more. “You do care, more than you want to admit. It’s everything, Jon. He controls my life until I’m eighteen and you know that. He’d probably charge you with kidnapping or something stupid even if I did leave.” Alec took one step forwards to press his lips to Jon’s smooth cheek, only a hint of his five o’clock shadow present on his lips. “Go live your life Jonathan, and I’ll let you be who you need to.”

Jon didn’t call his name as he wrenched open the door and he didn’t dare hesitate before he left the house for the last time.

MBALMBALMBAL

Almost a year had passed since Alec had seen Jonathan in that bedroom on one of the worst nights of his life. He had sobbed for weeks after he had let Jon go. Isabelle had been the only person he’d really talk to for a while. Slowly people had figured out he had broken it off with Jon, and nobody had really understood. Now Jonathan was here, and it felt like some kind of balm to his soul with everything going on. Izzy had something going on, and then his recent panic attack. His father getting worse every day. Max and his anger, duly deserved but no easier to watch. Jonathan was someone outside the drama that understood everything. Things had always been easy with Jon. 

The two of them lingered outside after the rest had gone in to enjoy dancing and drinks. They were supposed to be out by eleven, but the owner always let them stay for the drag show and dancing as well as serving them drinks under the table. He was a good guy, if not the most responsible. Jon pulled out a pack of cigarettes; a filthy habit Alec had tried to get him to give up last year. It seemed none of his inspiring talks on the effects of smoking tobacco did much good. 

“I can’t believe you’re here.” Alec couldn’t keep the grin off his face as he took in Jonathan’s tall, thin, lean frame next to him. 

“I had to see the first show of the year. It’s always amazing.” Jon shot him a fond grin as he took a long drag from the cigarette dangling between his fingers. 

“We got lucky finding a new drummer,” Alec confessed with a small shake of his head. “We must have auditioned almost twenty people before Will walked in.”

“Musical talent isn’t that prominent at Idris,” Jon agreed. He flicked his cigarette and leaned away to blow out a trail of smoke. “So, how is everyone? Your siblings and your parents? I know it’s only been a few months, but I know the Lightwood family never stays the same for more than five minutes.”

“They’re okay,” Alec said shortly, not wanting to talk about that mess right now, and especially not with Jon. “You don’t have to act like you don’t wish my dad would drop dead already. I do some days.” He said the last part quietly, but the mixed look of understanding and pity told Alec he had heard perfectly. 

“Izzy isn’t here,” Jon commented with a curious tilt of his head. “That’s not normal.”

“She had a fall, and now has a concussion.” Alec said, keeping it as short as possible. He needed a drink if they were going to be talking about any of this. The Isabelle mystery felt like it was eating him from the inside out. He knew something wasn’t right, but he didn’t know where to start looking for answers. 

“A fall?”Jon had straightened from his lounging position against the wall and now his green eyes were no longer lit up. They looked sad and deadly serious. “What sort of fall Alec? This Robert thing was getting out of hand last year, but this-”

“God no!” Alec exclaimed, realizing where Jon was headed with this. “No, she actually fell. I just…..I’m sorry I’m making it sound worse than it is. It’s complicated. Everything is so complicated.” Alec sighed softly and looked down to play with a loose thread on his jeans. He bit his lip before divulging something he knew he probably shouldn’t, but at the same time he felt like Jon would be someone who would understand. “My panic attacks are back.”

“Oh Alec,” Jon dropped his cigarette promptly and put the remaining embers out with the toe of his boot. “You never called Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

“After three months I stopped trying,” Alec lightly snapped, not needing a lecture right now on his inability to rely on people for help. 

“I’m sorry for that,” Jon looked down as he gripped his left upper arm with his right hand, his gaze dropped to the pavement. “After you left I was a mess, and then I just wanted space until I got through college applications… and then it was midterms...and then it was the senior paper….and then finals and graduation. There isn’t an excuse in the world for me not to answer my phone.”

“Yes, of course there was.” Alec could remember being furious with Jon several times in the past for not answering his calls. He had only ever called after his dad had been home for some evening chat. It wasn’t right of him to use Jon as a crutch for his emotional baggage, not as his ex. “I never called you to say hi. I only called because you...well you always calmed me down when things got hard. You were good at helping me manage my anxiety and stuff.”

Jon’s hand rested on the side of his neck, and Alec would be lying if he didn’t admit to feeling the shivers his touch brought all the way down to his toes. He glanced up into the green eyes that always held such kindness when his world was so harsh. Isabelle and Jace did what they could to support him through it, but they were dealing with their own lives and emotions. Jon was the one who Alec leaned on after his mother had left them for good. Back then it had been as just a friend, that was until it became something so much more. 

Alec’s heart overruled any rational thought as he leaned forwards to kiss his ex boyfriend. He knew there was no future for them right now, but then again maybe Jon had been right this whole time. Maybe it was stupid to throw away how crazy they were for each other because of his father. Maybe they could make it work for the next few months until he was free. The moment his lips crashed into Jonathan his mind went blissfully blank. There was nothing to upset him, or be upset about. Everything was okay for this precise moment. He forgot about Max, Izzy, Jace, school, and his father. 

“Alec,” Jon’s voice broke through his pleasurable haze as he held Alec by both shoulder gently, his eyes incredibly sad. “Alec, I can’t.”

“Look,” Alec protested, his heart ruling every word out of his mouth. “Maybe you were right and we never should have split last year. We could make us work until I graduate. We were so right for each other, and we loved each other-”

“I don’t think we really did,” Jon said softly. Alec was stunned into silence, and the bubble of happiness that had settled in his stomach popped unpleasantly, only dread and anxiety filling its place. “I’ve done a lot of thinking this year. I hated losing you, I truly did. We had a lot of good times together. Alec, I don’t think we were in love. I think you used me as a crutch to get through your parents getting that awful divorce, and I wanted to fix you. I liked comforting you and making you feel better. I won’t say I didn’t care for you, but now that I have Gabe, I can’t say that I was in love with you.” Jon’s voice was soft, and his eyes were sad, but that didn’t make his words hurt any less. Alec couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe that Jon was dismissing the relationship they’d had for months. Alec knew he had ended it badly, but how could Jon deny everything they had shared?

“Who the hell is Gabe?” Alec choked out, hurt more than he could have imagined by Jon finding someone else. 

“He’s my boyfriend,” Jon explained. The words felt like someone was trying to pull his heart out through his mouth, but it kept getting stuck in his throat. Alec swallowed hard a few times, not entirely sure how this could come as a shock. They had broken up nearly a year ago. Did he expect Jon to just wait in case Alec wanted a second chance?

Truth be told, that had been exactly what he wanted. 

“We met last spring at orientation for school, “ Jon kept talking, but the words wouldn’t really sink into his brain for comprehension. “We’ve been talking all summer and then when the semester started he asked me on a date. It’s been great with Gabe, a different sort of great than with you I guess. Things with Gabe are simpler, more fun. I feel like I’m getting to know him on a really deep level. I don’t know if I even know you Alec, not really. Even with how long we dated I don’t feel like I know hardly anything about you.”

“Sorry I’m too complicated for you,” Alec’s heartbreak was coming out as anger. His voice was foreign, carrying a harsh tone he’d never heard himself use. “I guess thanks for coming, but driving five hours to see your ex play in some stupid high school band when you’re in love with some other guy makes no damn sense to me. I’m so glad you’re so happy and in love and all that shit.” Alec stormed off, letting his anger take over rather than focus on how much all of this hurt. Between Jon finding some new, great guy and writing off the relationship they used to have Alec was completely done with talking for the night. He needed alcohol and a heavy bass beat to make everything disappear. 

Stepping back into the musky air of the club felt like coming up from drowning. He breathed in deeply and downed a drink faster than he ever had before. He got a second in his hand in no time before going to find Jace, or Clary, or anyone he knew besides Jonathan. Helen and Aline were here, unless they had already disappeared to behind closed doors. He moved through the mass of dancing bodies, trying not to intrude on anyone else’s good time when he found someone better than all of the others he had had in mind. 

Magnus stood leaning against a wall by himself. He seemed awkward and out of place with no drink in his hand, nor anyone by his side. His friends had clearly gone onto the dance floor, and he’d been left to fend for himself. Alec took a few deep breaths before going over there. Magnus was a good thing, a very good thing, and the last thing he needed was to mess up this one good thing he had going for him. Maybe he could find that something better, something deeper, that Jon had found with his new guy. Maybe, even though he had felt amazing with Jon, there was something even better out there. Besides, Magnus looked far too good to be left standing on a wall. 

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Well, this had turned out pretty much like he figured it would. 

Jem and Will had done a decent job of sticking with him most of the time, until an actual good song came on and then they had been goners. They had both apologized and promised to be back soon as they disappeared from sight. Magnus couldn’t blame them one bit for going to have fun together in a place that nobody would notice or care. They were careful enough at school that they deserved to let loose. 

He shifted uncomfortably and wondered what time they’d actually be leaving. The concert had been quite a high, but the appearance of a tall blonde had made the high fade much more quickly for him than the others. Alec had seemed so happy to see this guy, so much happier than he had to see him. He knew it was stupid to even compare when they only had a first date between them, but Magnus had thought it had been something special. He had thought they had had some kind of connection. He had never felt this way with anyone besides Alec, though to be fair he had never tried either. 

“I can hardly believe you’re free,” Alec’s voice reached him just before Alec himself appeared in front of Magnus. His jacket was long gone by now, which left him in only a tank top, his muscled arms free for admiration. The eyeliner was still perfectly in place and it made his eyes pop incredibly. “I thought by now someone would have swept you away into the crowd.”

Magnus stumbled over a few replies before settling on one. “I wouldn’t dare let anyone else sweep me off my feet.” He felt himself blush right after he said it, but the grin on Alec’s face told him it was the right move. “Where’s your, um, blonde friend?”

“Jonathan?” Alec’s expression visibly darkened at the mention of him, which was a far cry from only a half hour ago. Clearly whatever the blonde had been here for hadn’t been good. “He can go rot in hell as far as I’m concerned Let’s stop you being a wallflower, yeah?”

“Okay,” Magnus agreed, but he was terrified. The kind of dancing he had seen so far wasn’t something he was sure he was ready for. If Alec were to do any of the things the other men were busy doing he’d feel more than Magnus was ready for, or rather he wouldn’t be feeling enough in the places that tended to matter. He felt insecure about his body, and it would take him time before anyone else saw it from anything other than a distance. He just wasn’t good with anyone touching him since he had started the treatments. His body felt too fragile, and too private. 

Alec took his hand and led him to the middle of the mass of people. Magnus tried to stay relaxed and only focus on Alec in front of him. The flashing and faded lights were still creating delicious shadows on Alec’s face and body as he turned lithely to face Magnus. He was gorgeous in every way imaginable. The smell was making Magnus a tad light-headed, the heady smell of sweat and whatever cologne Alec wore. Alec’s long arms came to wrap tightly around his waist and Magnus felt his breathing hitch slightly as their chests brushed and he wound his own arms around Alec’s neck. They shared a smile that made Magnus’s stomach flip pleasantly, and he thought for just a moment that everything might be okay. 

The next song had a heavier bass to it and Alec’s hips moved accordingly to brush against his own enticingly. Magnus inhaled sharply at the new sensations coursing through him. He really should have thought about this situation beforehand, but now he had no idea how to react. He couldn’t say it didn’t feel enticing to have Alec rubbing against him like that. He wanted to be enjoying this moment instead of his mind racing through all the things that might go wrong. He was so afraid of Alec discovering Magnus wasn’t what he wanted after all. Alec made him feel as if the past didn’t matter, and that the future was full of limitless possibilities. It was nice to feel like he was enough just for being alive. 

Magnus felt sweat begin to slowly drip down the back of his neck the longer they danced in the crowded room. People pressed in all around them and he was forced closer and closer to Alec, which he couldn’t say was a bad thing. As the second song melded seamlessly into a third, there was no part of them that wasn’t touching and he could tell Alec was thinking about kissing him. His wide, blue eyes kept darting down to Magnus’s lips, which he kept biting out of nerves. He felt as if he couldn’t take a deep breath, a combination of the hordes of people and his own nerves coming up to choke him. Alec had to stop moving his body like that, just for the moment, just long enough for Magnus to feel like he could breathe again.

“You can’t kiss me here,’ Magnus blurted out, and wincing imperceptibly afterward. He probably sounded like a complete idiot. “I... Just not like this, not in a club. It matters too much.”

The lust clouding Alec’s eyes seemed to vanish as he stopped dancing to look at Magnus properly. He seemed to come back to the sweet boy Magnus was absolutely crazy about. “No, you’re right. We...yeah not like this.” He took Magnus’s hand tightly in his own and led him away from the crowds to the patio out back they had. Only a few people were out here chatting quietly and smoking. Magnus felt a tad calmer out here, though the light breeze made goosebumps break out over his skin after the hot air inside. Alec had grabbed his jacket again sometime during their way through the crowds and he held it out to Magnus. 

“You want a jacket? It’s cold out here,” Alec smiled gently and Magnus felt his heart skip a few beats yet again. He was falling for this boy that he knew nothing about, and when he did things like offer Magnus his leather jacket, it made him go a tad weak in the knees.

“I’ll take it for a minute,” Magnus felt their fingers brush and it sent a shiver through him as he pulled on the jacket. It was a bit long and far too big in the shoulders. Alec had far more muscle than Magnus could ever see himself having. It felt nice around him, and it smelled just like Alec which made it his favorite jacket in the world. “I’m sorry we had to leave. That crowd was just a lot to handle.”

“Yeah this place is always a zoo,” Alec agreed as he leaned his forearms on the railing. Magnus folded his arms around himself as he leaned next to him, their shoulders barely brushing. It wasn’t a bad view, the river in the distance with the Manhattan skyline behind that. The tiny lights twinkling in the distance always made him smile, like he wasn’t so alone in the world after all. “I did want to, kiss you that is. I was thinking about it.”

“I thought so,” Magnus said with a small smile, glancing at Alec out of the corner of his eye. He wasn’t sure how he felt about kissing Alec. On one hand he thought it would be nice, but on the other he wasn’t sure what kissing Alec would mean. Would he be ready for a relationship, if that was what Alec wanted? Could he give himself that much to someone? Was he too much of a mess to fall for this beautiful boy? “I don’t know if I should let you kiss me yet.”

“Oh,” Alec said quietly before falling silent. This had clearly upset Alec and had been the worst thing to say. Magnus bit his lip and wondered if he could possibly fix it now.

“It’s not that I don’t want you to,” Magnus stumbled over his words slightly in his haste to get them out. “I only barely finished my transition fully and it’s weird to think about things like kissing.” Magnus felt himself turn a bright shade of red, not quite believing he had really said that out loud to someone he barely knew. He never talked about his transition, not even with his roommates whom he trusted above everyone else. He never wanted to admit he had been anyone but who he was presently. Raphael said he had to accept that Margaret and Magnus belonged to the same person, the same soul, but Magnus had a hard time with that. He always thought of things as before and after. There was a line so thick it might as well be a wall between the two. The last thing he had wanted to do tonight was make it crystal clear that he was a freak. That he had once been the opposite of what Alec would ever want. 

“I thought...maybe I read things wrong,” Alec said, and Magnus almost didn’t hear him since he more mumbled it than anything. Magnus felt absolutely awful. This boy liked him, truly honestly liked him and here he was hesitating and holding him at arm’s length. He had to find a way to make Alec understand.

“You didn’t read things wrong,” Magnus said softly. He wanted to touch Alec in some way, reassure him, but right now he felt like that might be the worst thing he could do. He never meant to hurt Alec, but if he wasn’t honest he would just end up hurting the both of them. “I just need time Alec, that’s all. I do like you, more than I’ve liked anyone. I’ve liked you since we were sophmores.” 

“Really?” Alec asked as a grin finally appeared back on his face. “Way back then? Did we have classes together?”

“Well, just P.E.” Magnus shrugged lightly as memories whizzed by of those earlier days. “I think we also had a math together at some point.”

“I think I would have remembered…” Alec trailed off as his face took on a more serious expression. “I guess I never knew you as Margaret. You must have looked pretty different.”

“Yeah, I...um, I did,” Magnus really wanted to get far away from this subject, or anything remotely close to it. Alec was studying him closely, his blue eyes seeming to peer through him rather than just taking in the surface. 

“Magnus,” Alec said, his tone as serious as his face had gotten. “It doesn’t matter to me who you used to be. Everyone I know has been through a lot to get to where they are. I wasn’t the person I am now two years ago. I like you for the person you are, for the boy that you are. Margaret doesn’t bother me.”

“You…” Magnus couldn’t even finish as his throat closed off his speaking abilities. Alec was saying all the right, wonderful things he’d never dared to imagine any boy would say to him. Alec was beautiful, kind, and attractive. He cared for his family more than any normal person. He had a burning passion for music that he excelled at. Alec was the kind of guy anyone would be lucky to date, and somehow he had Alec out on this patio with him instead of inside with the countless people he could belong with. He swallowed hard several times, not wanting to cry in front of him. Alec could never know what his words meant to him. “You are truly one of a kind, Alexander.”

“It’s not so hard to be a decent person,” Alec was back to mumbling as he turned pink. Maybe he’d let Alec kiss him, not tonight, but someday soon.

“Jem and I are exhausted,” Will announced as he came out the patio doors loudly. His hair was mussed, and Magnus had no doubt what those two had gotten up to. “Also, Alec, your two friends are looking for you, the chicks. Simon has had way too much to drink. We need to get home before any disasters happen.”

“Okay, okay, give us two minutes?” Magnus asked with a slight laugh. Will sighed dramatically, but acquised to his request. They were alone now on the patio, with the distant music and laughter from inside their only distraction from each other. Magnus gingerly slipped the jacket off his shoulders to hand back to Alec. 

“Thank you for the jacket,” Magnus said sincerely with a smile. “Alec, just please give me time. You’re wonderful and I like you a lot. I just need things to move slowly.” Magnus inhaled sharply and leaned in to place a kiss on the corner of Alec’s mouth, something for him to look forwards to. 

“You sure are a tease, Magnus Bane,” Alec said, a grin slowly unfurling across his face. “Keep the jacket.”

Magnus wanted to protest, but ended up just hugging the jacket close to his chest. “I can promise I’m worth the wait.” With one last smile between them Magnus slipped back inside and made his way out front to join his friends. They were leaning against the car, absolutely exhausted. 

“Did you have a good night?” Will asked sleepily as they all climbed in. Magnus sighed happily and settled more comfortably into the seat.

“I had the best night I could have hoped for.” As they drove home that slow grin kept playing over and over in Magnus’s mind.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!!! It hasn't been quite as long of a wait as last time! Well this is the start of the roller coaster, so start hanging on now. Things get a bit darker in this chapter, and I hope you like it. THe ending I'm really happy with and I hope you are too. Let me know what you think please please please. 
> 
> WARNING: From here on out for awhile I'm going to be talking about eating disorders. Please stay safe and if you need to skim I understand. If you want me to summarize parts mentioning it let me know and I'll be happy to do it. I want all of you to please be safe and not triggered. Eating disorders are real and dangerous diseases and I'd hate anyone to fall back into that. 
> 
> Love you guys so much and thank you for reading!!!!
> 
> Happy Reading :)

The first few weeks of school had flown by with the temperature dropping day by day. Homecoming season was upon them, and Alec forgot how much he hated the buzz every year. Isabelle was buried with fundraisers and organizing decorations. Mortal Instruments had landed the gig for the band, thanks to Isabelle again. She had recovered nicely, but Alec sensed whatever was wrong hadn’t been fixed. Izzy may be back on her feet running, but her smile grew dimmer by the day and she dressed differently. Her clothes were all loose, which was fine if Alec believed that’s what she wanted, but it was as if she wanted to be invisible. She no longer stood tall and proud, but rather her shoulders were rounded. 

“Okay, so let’s take inventory on the dance,” Aline said as she pushed aside her plate. They were at lunch, the least favorite part of Alec’s day now that homecoming was around the corner. He loved Aline more than possibly anyone else in the world besides his family. She was another sister to him, but Alec could have strangled her. There were announcements every morning about the dance, and fliers covering most of the walls. There were sign ups for the pep rally and selling tickets to the dance. “I have a gorgeous date.” Aline winked at Helen, and the blonde couldn’t help a small smile. “Simon is asking James when he grows a pair.” 

“I have not yet agreed to this,” Simon cut in with a frown.

“You like him, and you stare at him before band. Otherwise, all you will do at said dance is mope about how you aren’t with the goddess Isabelle. This is not allowed. This is our last homecoming so we should make it a blast.”

“I thought prom was all that mattered senior year,” Alec muttered. 

“You are going with Magnus,” Aline said, gaping at him. “Magnus is hot. Did you see him at the club? I thought just once you wouldn’t be a homecoming scrooge this year.”

“Who said I was going with Magnus?” Alec asked as he bit his lip. His attraction to Magnus hadn’t lessened by any degree, but they hadn’t really gained any ground over the last few weeks. His dad had been home so he’d been running damage control at home while trying not to anger Robert any more than he had to. He had done as asked and kept his head down about any sign of him being anything other heteronormative. Magnus had texted and they had stayed up late most nights texting away with a few phone calls when Alec got caught in traffic. He couldn’t say he knew Magnus any better, but he had gotten a feel for his sense of humor and he left every single conversation with a smile. Magnus was still just about the brightest spot in his life, but they really needed to have a second date. Alec could ask him, and maybe even he should. He just felt that Magnus was holding himself back a lot, and it was probably to do with the trans thing. 

Alec would admit he hadn’t thought too closely about what it meant that Magnus was transgender. He definitely didn’t mind when it came to Magnus as a person. It didn’t matter and Alec was incredibly awed by all Magnus had done to achieve some comfort with who he was. It was far braver than anything Alec had done.   
Coming out for Alec had been easy, relatively speaking. He was nervous about what Jace would think, but beyond that it hadn’t been bad. Isabelle had always been his support system, through everything and anything. His parents had started being distant a long time before their divorce. They had always been incredibly busy people, but back then they had looked forward to them coming home instead of dreading it. He remembered telling Aline first, as was custom for most things. It had been after their vacation with Mike, and he had only just started to accept his feelings. HIs crush on Jonathan had been going on for awhile, but now it was pretty obvious. Aline had not yet been dating Helen, but liking girls had been like breathing for her. Aline had never had many questions about who she was or who she liked. She had known since they were twelve that she was attracted to girls and only girls. After Alec had managed to tell Aline, Simon and Izzy had been easy to tell. Nobody was all that surprised, and it had all went without a flaw. Jace hardly even acknowledged a difference to it all. He hadn’t missed a beat in their friendship in all the years Alec had known him. It had been a bit weird when he was dating Clary’s brother, but that didn’t last long.

Alec’s small circle of people knew who he was and always supported him. He’d dealt with homophobia from his own father and from countless other people as the band had formed and they played at gay clubs. He had seen how cruel people could be just because people didn’t all love the same way. He had seen couples break under the pressure of society, and their families. His father had been more scathing the older he’d gotten, and ten times worse since their mother had left. He found what Magnus had done incredibly brave. Magnus couldn’t hide the way Alec could if he felt uncomfortable. If Alec was scared, or uncertain of how people would react he could simply not tell them. Magnus had to live the way he was no matter who he had to face, and he couldn’t hide. 

Could he be attracted to someone with a girl’s anatomy? What did that even mean for him?

He’d never say Magnus wasn’t a boy if that’s what he identified as. He saw Magnus as a boy as he felt the undeniable attraction from the moment they met. Magnus was gorgeous, in every single way. His looks were what pop stars would kill for, and his personality was so sweet, caring, and fun to be around. Their barely there flirting had become a bit more bold, but Magnus was still holding back a lot. Alec didn’t know how to help him feel more comfortable, or if this patience was all he needed. 

He liked Magnus, and asking him to homecoming was not a bad idea. 

“Alec,” Aline snapped, obviously trying to get hjs attention while he had been lost in his thoughts. “If you don’t ask Magnus to this dance I will kick your ass. You like him and I don’t see why you wouldn’t go with him.”

“Okay, okay, “ Alec put his hands up to ward her off a little. “I will ask him. You know he’s complicated Aline, and he might not want to go to homecoming. It’ s a big thing.”

“If you get rejected you know I will be at your door with ice cream and a movie to cheer you up, but if you don’t even try I will be pissed. Now, Simon,” Alec felt himself relax as Aline turned to Simon instead. “Before you get in my car tonight after school you will have asked James to homecoming. We all deserve to have dates to our homecoming senior year.”

“Do I even have a choice? I’m getting the vibe I don’t.” Simon lamented as he traded a look and eye roll with Alec. He turned to Alec and seemed to look nervous for a brief moment before trying to look more casual. “So, does Isabelle have a date?”

“I have no idea,” Alec admitted. Izzy was hardly ever home now that she was off of bed rest and her arm had healed. She got migraines occasionally, but that was almost the only time Alec saw her home. He couldn’t blame her for staying away lately. Robert and Max had been having explosive fights almost every night now. Once Max had his eyes opened, he had exploded. He was angry, and very bitter. His tongue was as sharp as Jace’s and he had as little filter as Isabelle. Alec didn’t blame him one bit, but he wished Max would be more careful. Robert had a temper that scared him, and he had been holding back less and less. He hoped his dad took a weekend away again soon, preferably over homecoming would be nice. His family was broken, and Alec had no idea of how to get them stable again. He had written off his dad at last, but he still had siblings and they had to stick together. 

“Is she doing better at all? I know you’ve been worried.” Simon said quietly. It must be so hard to still love Isabelle, but then have to pretend he didn’t care. If anyone was the personification of a bleeding heart it would be Simon. Alec ran a hand through his hair as he got his phone out to ask Magnus to meet for coffee. If he was going to ask Magnus he was most definitely going to do so in person. 

“I don’t know that either,” Alec admitted, though he hated doing it. “She is a closed book these days. She’s keeping busy, but I don’t know if that has to do with home stuff, or whatever is wrong. She’s not herself, but she won’t admit it. It’s weird not getting through to her.”

“You guys are so close, well , usually anyway,” Simon bit his lip, keeping his voice low. He knew that Aline was not the best person to talk about Izzy with since they didn’t always get along. Two strong personalities didn’t clash all that well. “Is she still sick?”

“No, not sick,” Alec sighed and impatiently waited for Magnus to reply. He still got butterflies whenever Magnus’s name showed up on his notifications, no matter how weird things were between them. “She just… isn’t acting like Iz. She’s quieter, and she’s dressing differently. She is preoccupied all the time.”

Magnus finally replied that coffee sounded wonderful and Alec felt the familiar butterflies take off. 

“Let me know if I can do anything, with Iz,” Simon said with a tiny shrug. Alec nodded and smiled a bit at him. If Simon Lewis decided you were in his life, then you were in it for good. 

“Alright Aline,” Alec said as the bell rang to usher them to their next class. “I’m meeting Magnus for coffee tonight so I’ll let you know what he says.” He stood up with a sigh. It wasn’t so much that he didn’t want to see Magnus, only now it felt mandated.

“Alec,” Aline said, her tone softer as she came around to link arms with him. “I only want you to be happy, you know that don’t you? I wouldn’t be pushing Magnus if I didn’t think he might be great for you.” She leaned up to kiss his cheek lightly. “You deal with so much, and you deserve some happiness in your life. If you don’t want to go with Magnus you seriously don’t have to.”

“I’m being a chicken,” Alec admitted as he gave her a side hug. “This is why I need you in my life.”

“Also because I’m adorable?” Aline teased as they parted, the hall getting more crowded. Alec grinned at her and winked cheekily.

“You know if I was straight you’re the first one I’d go for.” 

“You make all the ladies swoon, Lightwood.” Aline blew him a kiss dramatically before she got tackled in a hug by Helen and they disappeared together. Alec shook his head lightly and headed to his last class before he’d meet up with Magnus. 

He would be lying if he said that homecoming wasn’t looking slightly more appealing.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Magnus had been more than a little surprised when Alec had asked to meet him for coffee. The last few weeks since the night at the club had been filled only with empty texts and phone calls that bordered on awkward. He just never knew what to say to Alec, and then there had been things going on at home as well. Will’s father had cancelled his visit back home, and that made Will snappy and generally in a horrible mood. Tessa had slowly stopped getting the messages,from social media but she was more reserved than ever now anywhere but their home. Magnus had never seen so much tension between his friends. He was trying to make them feel okay while also trying to make sure he stayed okay mentally. 

Depression was something he knew he’d always struggle with his entire life. He had a tendency for it as it was with his mother suffering from it so heavily most of her life. He needed his friends like air to breathe since they kept him above water most of the time. The three of them being a bit distant and caught up with their own relationship made him feel lonely, even though they were perfectly entitled to sort out their very complicated and very intimate relationship. Will was allowed to be upset about his dad never coming to visit and the girl he loved most in the world afraid to ever touch him except for in the privacy of the bedroom. He felt so selfish for feeling the way he did, and he knew he could have called Raphael as well, but he didn’t want to bother them once again. He was more than a little relieved Alec had asked him to meet. It was better than being at home caught up in his thoughts. His thoughts trapped him more often than not. 

“Alec,” Magnus greeted with a smile that he hoped was more sincere than it felt. He noted that the last two weeks Alec had broken out sweaters, and while they were something Magnus would have thrown away, they looked adorable on Alexander. His tall frame looked even longer in the sweaters that nearly hung off of him with holes by his hands, probably from chewing on the sleeves. This particular sweater was grey for a change, rather than faded black. It set off his blue eyes nicely.

“HI,” Alec greeted with relief coating his voice as he plopped down in the chair across the table. He looked tired, and stressed. He looked like he needed an escape nearly as much as Magnus himself did. He really needed to remind himself more often that Alec likely had as many problems as he did. “Have you been here long? Didn’t I text you to meet at three?” 

“Not long,” Magnus lied as Alec pulled up his texts to see what he had said. The truth was that Magnus had skipped English that afternoon and had holed up here since. His English teacher wasn’t nearly as unbearable as Mrs. Baxter had been, but he wasn’t pleasant. He was curious, but Magnus found it to be in a rather rude way. He stared inappropriately at places which made Magnus very uncomfortable. He would say something, but he did have to have six teachers, and that generation all had the same idea that people were born a certain way and you had no right to change that. Magnus couldn’t convince them that they were wrong, so he had to cope with their snide looks and comments. “How have you been? I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages. Since your first show.”

“Well, it’s been… busy,” Alec said carefully. Magnus wanted to know more about it, but there was only so much you could push when you were practically strangers. Alec took a deep breath and his blue eyes looked truly apologetic as he started to try and explain. “I’ve barely been able to do a set every weekend because my dad’s firm is slow this month and his lady friend is on vacation. Y’know, Connie,” They both rolled their eyes in unison at the younger brunette from the front office. She was a gossip and completely passive aggressive with her very conservative views. “Anyways, so my dad has been home nearly five nights a week, which is unheard of since I was about ten. My sister is still trying to get over her injury and she wants to jump back in before she’s ready, so I have to run damage control with that. Jace is never home when my dad is. Max, well, my little brother just found out about a lot of things my dad has done and still does now. He’s probably the most angry out of all of us surprisingly. He’s angry and picking fights at home and at school. He stays with Mike when he can, but normally Dad drags him home in some form of possession or something. Max loves it at Mike’s house, and that sucks since we like him home. I’ve just been juggling about ten balls in my court at once.” Alec took a long, deep sigh when he was done. Magnus was completely flabbergasted at all that had been going on, and he really only had about half the story. Alec ran both hands over his hair, making it flop back forward in the most appealing way. His hair always looked incredibly soft. “Sorry, I bet you didn’t want to know any of that. I just started and all of that came out.”  
“No, no it’s perfectly okay,” Magnus reassured him with a small grin. “I’m glad you were honest with me. That sounds like a crazy time. Really crazy.” He quickly ordered Alec a coffee with sugar and a frappucino for himself. 

“Have you been okay? LIfe is good?” Alec asked with a smile, likely from how Magnus remembered his coffee order. He had asked Alec once how he took his coffee when they had stopped for one after a show. Alec had told him as his friends teased him mercilessly for his bitter taste. It had stuck in his mind since just about everything concerning Alec stayed in his mind on replay. 

“Good enough,” Magnus agreed quietly. He should probably be more candid the way Alec had been, but that had never been his style. Raphael had the horrible job of guessing about his life more than he told. Ever since his parents had died he’d learned to be a very private person. The less he told people, the less information could ever be used against him. 

Their coffees were delivered swiftly and they both enjoyed their first sip silently. The sweetness of their double chocolate chip never failed to make Magnus happy. Alec finally broached a safe enough topic that got the conversation flowing at last. It wasn’t anything deep, but that’s what both of them needed at that moment. Magnus had forgotten just how easily he opened up around Alec compared to other people. 

“I don’t even know if Tessa will come to homecoming,” Magnus interrupted as Alec ranted about how obsessed his sister and best friend both were about homecoming and who would make queen. Isabelle wanted to wear the crown just one year, while Aline just wondered if the whole thing was rigged and if there could be two queens. “Tessa hardly leaves the house these days besides school. Our school become frighteningly small when everyone is watching you. She is just so paranoid of doing or saying the wrong thing.”

“That’s awful,” Alec winced in clear sympathy. “Can’t people mind their own business for one day? You never did tell me the actual story. It’s all sqeculation with them. I try not to get caught up with that kind of stuff, but between Izzy and Aline I don’t have that much choice.”

“Okay,” Magnus bit his lip for a moment before deciding he could trust Alec. If he could accept Magnus as trans so easily, and he hadn’t told that to his closest friends, then he’d likely accept a polyamorous relationship. “So you can’t say a word to anyone, but Tessa is with both Will and Jem.”

“She’s two timing them?” Alec’s nose scrunched up at the thought and partly in confusion. Magnus couldn’t help but laugh a bit at even the thought of Tessa being dishonest with anyone. 

“No, no, she definitely isn’t doing anything like that,” Magnus was quick to correct. “They’re together, all three of them. Will is with Jem, and Jem is with Will, meanwhile both of them love Tessa more than anything.”

“So the three of them are just all madly in love?” Alec asked with his eyebrows high on his forehead, his bangs nearly making them disappear altogether. “So, like a threesome, but romantically?”

“That’s probably the best way to describe it,” Magnus said slowly. He had never before actually explained what the relationship was between his friends. This was harder than it seemed. “I don’t know if there’s really a word for how the three of them feel. They don’t really define it, but they’re so in love it’s like a movie almost. Just a more realistic one….oh god, I’m messing this up horribly.”

“No, I think I get it.” Alec said, a chuckle escaping his smile. “Y’know it doesn’t matter what their label might be. They love each other and if they’re happy then it’s all good. They must be going crazy with the rumors and shit?”

“Oh yeah,” Magnus said emphatically. “Will also has his dad refusing to come home for a visit after nearly nine months. They have a good relationship, but his dad is tied into work too much.”

Alec seemed to get a bit sad as he sipped the last of his coffee. “I know what that’s like. Will should learn to not let it get to him. It’s what we had to do. It sucks though, a lot.”

“Alec,” Magnus said softly, feeling awful at the shaded look that had come over his bright blue eyes. 

“Sorry,” Alec apologized, shaking his head a bit “I keep thinking I’m getting used to it, but then it never stops hurting. When your parents decide to stop being parents….it never gets easier.”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus murmured. He had never genuinely felt so bad for someone else. Alec might not have the problems he did, but he had a bundle of different ones. It would be like his mother being right in front of him, but he couldn’t have her. He couldn’t imagine just how much that would hurt. 

“I didn’t come here to be a downer,” Alec said as he rubbed the back of his neck. He bit his lip for a long moment before looking back straight at Magnus, his blue eyes bright again and with a glint of determination. “I came to ask you something.”

Magnus’s breath caught in his chest. Was this Alec asking him on a second date at last? Magnus had thought that maybe that ship was never going to sail. Many people never got to know him because it was too hard. He closed himself off too much. “Ask me anything you want.” 

“I wanted to know if you’d be my date to homecoming?” Alec’s bottom lip was back between his teeth again A light pink was covering his neck and he seemed nearly nervous for his answer. Did Alec really think Magnus would be crazy enough to say no? How could he turn down the chance to see Alec all dressed up and dance with him in a dark, crowded room again? 

“I’d love to,” Magnus answered, a large grin breaking out over his face. “Did you really think I’d be crazy enough to turn you down?”

“It’s happened,” Alec took a large gulp of his coffee and seemed immeasurably relieved. “So, should we do dinner beforehand?”

“That sounds nice,” Magnus hummed as he rested his chin in one hand. “We could combine our first and second dates, or at least our plan for the first date.”

“Yeah, I’ll take you out properly this time. Any food you can’t stand?” Alec’s fingers were drifting closer to his own, and the familiar swoop Magnus always felt around Alec was back. He’d missed that wonderful feeling. 

“I’m pretty open to any and all cuisine.” Magnus grinned as their fingers brushed. 

For the first time, Magnus was about to feel like any other teenager.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Magnus’s happy bubble he felt the whole way home from meeting up with Alec was abruptly popped as soon as he entered the house. Ragnor and Catarina were both gone,but the house was far from empty. He walked in to see his three best friends in the living room, but not in the way he was used to seeing them. Tessa was curled up in the armchair, tears on her face. Will stood by the bay windows with his fists clenched and his entire body tense. Jem sat on the couch between them, looking a cross between miserable and angry. 

“How the fuck could you say yes?!” WIll shouted at Jem, his blue eyes blazing with anger. Magnus froze upon hearing the raised voices, shocked that Will would raise his voice to Jem or Tessa. He was a hot head, but not with the two people he adored the most. Magnus had never seen him yell at either of them. “Please explain to me why you would say yes to a date with someone else?!”

Magnus ducked around a corner, really not wanting to interrupt this, but at the same time not wanting to be caught hearing it. 

“You’re being way too dramatic about this,” Jem countered calmly. “You’re not accomplishing anything, but making Tessa upset. It’s not like that.”

“She’s fucking upset because you decided to get yourself a date with Simon Lewis! That fucking loser is worth breaking us up?” Will’s voice was furious, and yet cracking with hurt. 

“If you’d listen for one second,” Jem said, his own voice developing a bite to it. “This is not a date. I don’t even know Simon. We’re just going to a dance together so I’m not stuck alone most of the night. You really can’t see why I’d want to have someone to go with? Every single year I’m stuck alone on the side while you two have fun and steal the limelight. I love you both, you know I do, but it’s nice to have someone to talk to and dance with. Right now especially we have to be careful.”

“He asked you as a date,” Tessa said, her voice small, but strong. She sat up fully and played with the ends of her brown hair that she had cascading down over her shoulders for a change. “I just… I don’t blame you. You’re right that you deserve to have fun. I’m sorry you’re always stuck alone at these things. It hurts either way. I don’t know if it’s because of what we’ve been through lately, or if maybe this is a sign you aren’t happy.” The room got deathly silent for a minute before Tessa spoke again in a voice surprisingly strong for how much she was hurting. “Do you like Simon, James? He’s a nice boy, and funny. He...he could give you more.”

“I didn’t ask him,” Jem said calmly. “I don’t look at anyone other than the two wonderful people I have. You guys give me plenty. This is about social graces, nothing more.”

“We didn’t even have to go to homecoming if you were upset,” Will said heavily with a sigh. “Why can’t you open your damn mouth and tell us how you feel?”

“Yes, because you’re so approachable.” Jem said sarcastically. 

“Then why the hell are you dating me?” Will snapped, his patience completely gone. “All you’ve done since you came back after the summer break is complain about how curt I am or how much I complain. Now you tell me you can’t talk to me. Maybe this Simon guy would be better for you. Maybe you could talk to him, or what the fuck ever. If I make you miserable then leave! Go and find a guy to be with, or a girl. If this is too complicated for you then go!”

“Stop acting like you a ray of sunshine all the time to be around! Relationships are difficult William, and I’m not leaving just because things are hard. I’m doing this so we don’t slip up again! Things are hell for us right now, so excuse me for trying to make it easier.”

“Stop fighting,” Tessa cut in, her tears gone and business in her tone. “This is ridiculous, all of it. We are letting people get to us, and yes Will I know I’ve been the worst. I’m sorry for that. We only have one more year until we can be who we want to be. I’m not going to say that you accepting Simon’s offer doesn’t hurt, but it makes sense. Will, you need to let up on him, and on me as well. If Jem says he has no interest in Simon, then I believe him completely.”

“Tess, I was never trying to hurt you,” Jem said softly. Magnus peeked around the corner to see Tessa and Jem sitting together while Will still stood by the window with his arms crossed tightly. 

“I think you’re full of shit,” Will snapped harshly. “I think you do like this Simon kid. I think you want a way out. I think you love Tessa, but you’re finished with me. I think I’m getting to be too much for you.”

“Will,” Jem started, but Will had had enough as he stormed out the back door, slamming it behind him. Magnus decided he’d slip out the front door and try to comfort his friend. Will was hurting, and he never handled it in a good way. 

Magnus loped around the house easily and found Will on the swing on the back tree. They had set it up years ago, but it went mostly unused now. It was a large oak that shadowed nearly the whole yard in the summer. The four of them sat here many summer afternoon when the house was too stuffy. 

“Hey,” Magnus said simply, reaching the tree and sliding down to sit with his back against it. Will nodded to him, already seeming to know Magnus had heard the whole thing. Magnus took a deep breath before attempting deep waters. “Will, he isn’t going to leave. Jem loves you. He loves you more than either of us can imagine. You’re his family, his everything.”

“He isn’t happy,” Will countered, his voice quiet now. “Tessa and I fucked this up. We got involved and then tried to get Jem with us. He’s always on the sidelines. I don’t know how to fix this, any of it. He seemed so happy after school, after fucking Lewis asked him to the dance. I haven’t seen him happy like that in a long time.”

“It’s probably more complicated Will,” Magnus said, feeling horrible for all of them. “I’m sure he is happy to be noticed by someone else. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love the two of you. Jem is reserved, and you two aren’t. He doesn’t verbally say what he feels, and that gets hard.”

“He accepted a date,” Will said the words out loud, bluntly and with such incredibly hurt laced into them. “He accepted a date from another man. I don’t know how to deal with that. He could have made a dozen excuses, but then he accepted. Hell, I’d rather he would have told the truth about us than go and do this.”

“Tessa seems ready to forgive him,” Magnus pointed out cautiously. He knew that Tessa and WIll were very different as far as forgiveness. WIll didn’t get hurt as easily, but once he was hurt he took a longer time to forgive. 

“I just don’t understand any of it and what it all means.” WIll sounded defeated as the swing slowly came to a complete stop. Magnus got up to stand behind WIll and wrap him in a gentle hug. 

“It’ll all work out,” Magnus tried to sound as reassuring as possible. Will only sighed but his hand came up to grip his forearm tightly.

MBALMBALMBAL

“What are you doing up here?” Alec asked Jace as he made his way up the bleachers to where Jace was perched alone on one of the topmost rows. He was leaning forwards and kept rubbing his hands over his face, 

“You put me on Izzy duty,” Jace replied, not tearing his gaze away from the field. 

“She’s not…” Alec sank down next to Jace, knowing his sister was down on the field. They had each tried their best to get her to rest as much as possible, but now she had had enough. 

“I tried,” Jace defended himself. “I tried to stop her I swear it. She just refuses to slow down. She’s back to her usual routine, which is a disaster. Alec, something is going on.”

Alec bit his lip as he wind blew his hair out of his face and he could see his little sister clearly. She was pacing the field and sniping out orders. Her voice was loud, clear, and demaning. She appeared completely fine, like she was back to her old self. Alec knew better, and so did his brother. 

“Has she eaten today? She had about three french fries at lunch when I ate with her.” Alec asked, a pit of dread building in his stomach. He wished, not for the first time, that they weren’t alone in this. 

“She didn’t touch anything before school.” Jace sighed loudly, tugging a hand through his hair. “Could we be overreacting here? Iz has been like this since high school started. She’s always been on the go. Lunch is her socialization time, and before school she catches up on the crap she didn’t do the night before when she was out with her friends. She never sits down to really eat much.”

“She’s passing out at the gym.” Alec said forcefully. “She never even eats dinner anymore. She’s constantly tired. Her shoulders are way skinnier than they should be. She’s defensive about everything. When we offer her food she stuffs it in a bag and leaves.” Alec bit his lip harshly before he came out with it. “I think Iz is anorexic.”

“What?” Jace turned to face him with confusion and disbelief all over his face. “LIke the eating disorder? You think she’s starving herself? Izzy would never do that. She’s smarter than that.”

“Do you have a different brilliant idea?” Alec asked. It had been hard enough saying out loud that he thought his sister was hurting herself in one of the worst ways he could imagine.

“Alec, look at her,” Jace waved an arm towards the field where Izzy had joined in the squad’s dance routine this time. “She’s gorgeous, and she always has been. She’s never had a problem with her body. We tell her she’s beautiful on a regular basis.”

“You know who doesn’t?” Alec’s tone had dropped it’s defensive note and simply fell to defeated. He watched as Izzy flipped through the air effortlessly and couldn’t help but notice how much her ribs showed every time her shirt rode up. “Robert has been telling her all kinds of horrible things for two years. It’s about the only time he ever talks to her. Her father is the one telling her she isn’t good enough.”

“She’s smart enough not to believe that.” Jace rubbed his upper lip, his focus completely on Alec now. 

“Smart has nothing to do with it,.” Alec had to tread carefully here. He was trying to make Jace see his point, but if he got too close to anything personal he’d lose Jace in this conversation for a few weeks. “That stuff gets in your head and it’s hard as hell to get it out. Our family is as unstable as they come, and that’s not easy to deal with. Izzy might have internalized the shit dad keeps telling her.”

“You should like the shrink I went to once and only once,” is all Jace said with a tiny smirk. He didn’t argue with Alec which meant that he at least partly agreed. Alec didn’t know if he was relieved or terrified. Jace agreeing meant that Izzy could actually have the disease, a very serious and potentially deadly one. It wasn’t medication she needed, but something a lot more in depth. He had no idea how to get her help without their dad’s involvement. They had insurance, but Robert was the last person that needed to be involved. 

They sat in silence and watched the cheerleading squad run through cheer after cheer and dance after dance multiple times. Alec’s eyes were trained on his sister like a hawk, unsure when he should step in and tell her she’d done enough for the day. He hated to upset her, but there was no way he was going to let her hurt herself either. He hated it enough that she did cheerleading with all the dangerous stunts involved, but with this on top of it the knot in his stomach wouldn’t leave him alone. 

It turned out, with good reason.

“Fucking hell,” Jace swore loudly, but Alec was already halfway down the bleachers. It seemed to happen in slow motion as Izzy started to wobble from her normally secure spot in the hands of the male cheerleaders. Her smile had slipped first followed by a sway in her shoulders, and suddenly she was falling without Alec there to catch her. 

“Everybody move,” Alec snapped, and to his surprise the squad seemed to listen.. However, Isabelle was already getting back on her feet while brushing grass from her uniform. She winced a bit as she straightened up fully. Alec stood in front of her silently with folded arms and raised eyebrows. She took one look at his face before calling practice done. 

Jace’s hands were shaking as they waited for their sister outside the locker rooms. It wasn’t the fall by itself, that had happened a few times before, but it was the way she could hardly get back up afterward. It was one more fall than they could handle right now. They both knew this fall was more than a slip in balance. This was related to whatever had happened at the gym a month ago. 

“Did you guys seriously wait?” Isabelle asked as she walked slowly toward them. “You know I’m fine. I’ve taken falls worse than that at practice. Not that that will get Maia Roberts off my case.”

“Does she think you need to start fucking taking it easy too?” Jace asked exasperatedly with a roll of his eyes. 

“No, you ass, she’s trying to take my captain spot. She’s been to our teacher supervisor twice already. When I tell you I have to work this hard I’m not exaggerating.” Izzy sounded more tired than anything as she switched her gym bag to the other shoulder. Jace took it from her and slung his other arm around her shoulders. The fact that Izzy allowed this tiny bit of coddling worried Alec a lot. She normally always shoved them off when they tried to show her affection at school. 

“Maybe Maia is only worried,” Alec said quietly as they hit the pavement of the parking lot. He was treading on dangerous territory, but he couldn’t keep silent any longer. “Maia is a nice person. Bat has been a roadie for our show a time or two, and they’re both nice. Iz, you aren’t okay. You-”

“Alec, how the hell could you take her side?” Isabelle spun to face him feet from the car. “I”ve seen this happen so many times since I’ve been a cheerleader. GIrls get selfish, and they take things that don’t belong to them. Maia also is hoping to get a cheerleading scholarship to NYU, did you know that? She’s desperate to get the money for college.” She took a deep, steadying breath before diving into the second part of his statement. “Also, what do you mean I’m not okay? Are you still talking about that stupid fall at the gym? You heard them say I’m dehydrated, and that’s all it was. You need to take about ten steps back big brother, and leave me the hell alone. I have enough on my plate without you dogging my every step.”

“I”m not-” Alec made a frustrated noise before he used his longer legs to cut his sister off and stand in front of her. “You are not eating. Don’t try and bullshit me that you pick stuff up when I’m not looking. You don’t eat breakfast, and you hardly ever eat anything at lunch. You’re making yourself sick this way. Izzy, you are so beautiful, and bright, and strong. I know Dad has been-”

“Do NOT,” Izzy was shaking as she raised a hand to stop him. “Do not bring him into this. You are the one who gives a shit about Dad. I could care less about what he says or does. You can’t fix things with Dad, and you don’t need to fix me. Your problem is that you always want to fix things and fix people.” She broke away from Jace completely to stand in front of Alec with her dark, brown eyes blazing. “What, exactly, do you think is wrong with me? It’s obvious you already have some idea of how to fix me.” 

“I don’t know how to fix it, actually.” Alec glanced at Jace to see his brother giving him every nonverbal signal he could to shut his mouth right now. “I think you’ve slipped into being anorexic Isabelle. You’re starving yourself, and I just want to help.”

“Do you think I’m that stupid?” Izzy was seething now, and maybe he really should have listened to Jace. “I am a cheerleader. I have studied physical fitness since I was fifteen. I know how far to push myself, and when to stop Alec accept that there isn’t a problem right now. Just do you, and do Magnus if you’d like, and try to relax.”

“Not a problem?” Alec repeated her words as hysteria tried to come up and choke him. “I can’t even count how many problems are going on right now. I’m not only talking about you, just so you know. In the self obsessed state you’re in, you seem to have forgotten Max is also self-destructing.”

“You’re being dramatic,” Izzy scoffed with a slight shake of her head. “Max is angry, and he has every right to be. He’s done, and we all are. Max is pissed his dad is the worst human being to exist. They’re having some spats, and I can’t blame him.”

“He got into a fight just last week, and not for any damn reason. I’m trying to keep Max out of suspension from school, and you want to sit here and tell me there isn’t a problem. Isabelle, do you have any idea how sick you can get if you don’t eat enough?”

“I’m so sick of you acting like you’re dad! Give it a fucking rest. I haven’t had parents for two years, and I’ve been fine.”

“Haven’t had parents?” Jace had finally cut in from his silent position on the sidelines. “What do you think Alec has been doing? We wouldn’t function without him. He makes sure we have food, and he cooks for us twice a day. He keeps track of the bills to pay them on time. He’s the one that stayed up til three in the morning with you last semester to finish that paper you forgot about. He picked you up from practice when you couldn’t drive yet. None of us know what it’s like not to be cared for. Alec is the only one of us to say he lost his dad two years ago. You are being a disrespectful bitch right now, and I’m sorry to say it.”

“I’m done with this conversation,” Isabelle decided as she backed away slowly. “I’m going for a drive, and I’ll be home later. You two need to find your own lives, and get out of mine. As much as Alec has coddled me, i”m done. Don’t sit and guilt me for things I never asked you to do.” She stormed away with uneven steps that showed she wasn’t as in control as she wanted to be. Alec was biting both his lips to keep them from shaking. He knew confronting Izzy wouldn’t be easy, but he wasn’t prepared for it to be that hard. 

“You’re right,” Jace said quietly. Alec looked over at him quickly to see his face tight and his eyes wet. “I didn’t want to think it, but you are exactly right. I think she’s hurting so much that she doesn’t know which way is up anymore. God, what are we going to do?”

“I’ll figure it out,” Alec promised, even if he didn’t know if he could keep it. “It’ll all work out. I’ll make sure she’s okay, I always do.”

Jace nodded and turned away to get in his car. Alec could have sworn he heard him sniff hard a few times just before he started the engine. He took a deep breath and tried to keep his thoughts in order. His head was spinning from all that was happening. If they were right….then this was a disaster. He’d have to end up hurting his sister in order to help her from destroying herself. When had this started? Had it been over the summer, which would lead to her break-up with SImon? She had pointed out how much she knew about this kind of stuff. She’d likely seen this before happen to other girls. Could she control it? Was that possible? 

Alec lost the contents of his stomach in the bushes next to his car. The stress of it all was eating him alive, but he had no way to make any of it stop right now. He retched and coughed until nothing was left and then he sagged against the fence, feeling completely miserable. He brought out his phone and turned it over slowly. He didn’t want to be alone, and he couldn’t go home right now. Jace could help out Max for a little while until he went with Clary somewhere. Maybe Clary could help them. At least she was a girl and Isabelle’s friend. Maybe she could tell the both of them that they were absolutely crazy and it was all in their heads. 

The answer to his silent question of who to call or who to be with came in the form of a buzzing text from the person he really should have thought of sooner. If anyone understood a fucked up life, it was Magnus Bane 

MB: Well my night turned to shit after coffee today. How’s yours been?

Alec could have laughed with relief at someone to talk to. Maybe Magnus had his own stuff going on and Alec shouldn’t bother him with his problems, but then again they were friends if nothing else, and Alec desperately needed a friend right now. 

AL: Mine has been about as bad.

Alec took a deep breath and felt the first sob hitch in his throat as he let it out slowly.

AL: Would you be able to meet me at the school back lot? I don’t think I can drive right now.

He took a few calming breaths and tried to stop himself from playing over the argument he had just had with his little sister, who also happened to be one of his very best friends. The reply came after only a few moments.

MB: No problem. I need to get out of here anyways. Can I bring anything….or something haha

Alec smiled just a bit at the message before his fingers acted on autopilot.  
AL: A blanket and ice cream would do perfectly. I’ll be on the big hill next to the parking lot. Know the one?

Magnus replied he’d be there as soon as he could. Alec got up and hopped the short fence to head over to the hill behind their school. This hill had been in his life as long as he could remember. There was a park on the other side and they had played there as kids. He remembered rolling down this hill as fast as he could to make himself dizzy. He remembered trying to break some kind of record once and making himself sick while his sister laughed. He and Jace had gone sledding down this hill every single winter with Max. Jace had once crashed into the fence when he tried to snowboard and gone way off track. They watched fireworks on this hill over the summer. They’d get here early in the morning just to have the spot they wanted. He really didn’t want to make a sad memory on this hill when they were all so happy. 

It seemed like his world was falling apart as he sat here on this hill. 

Things had been bad for awhile, and they had been hard. This wasn’t honestly the worst things had ever been, but they were pretty close. The older they got the less it seemed like Alec could help them. He was worried about all three of them constantly. He was worried how they’d make life work once they didn’t have high school to structure them anymore. He worried about the day their dad left them for good, and he knew it was coming. He figured it’d be after the three of them graduated, and where did that leave Max? Would Isabelle even make it to graduation if he couldn’t figure out how to help her? Would Michael help them? Could he? 

The tears had started as soon as he heard Magnus pull up behind him and he knew he wasn’t alone anymore. It was as if he had permission to cry once he knew he didn’t have to feel this pain by himself. Magnus shouldn’t have to put up with him crying again, but on the upside at least this wasn’t a panic attack. Was it? 

“You had a really shit afternoon then.” Magnus observed as he reached Alec and sat beside him. “I brought double moose tracks because I was in a hurry and it sounded amazing. I really hope you like chocolate.”

“It sounds great,” Alec agree, his voice more choked than he wanted it to be. He wiped at his eyes and tried to keep himself together even if he desperately wanted to fall apart. Nothing about his situation was new, besides Izzy’s problems, so he didn’t know why he was falling apart so much. He was used to the stress and the aching in his chest. 

“This is a gorgeous view,” Magnus chattered to break the silence. He pulled the large plush blanket towards them, wrapping it around Alec first before himself. The ice cream rested between them. Magnus didn’t hesitate to open it and take a bite. Alec took his own spoon in hand, but didn’t yet plunge it into the delicious treat. Their shoulders were touching and Alec could feel the warmth from Magnus down to his bones. It was soothing, but at the same time it was making the tears come faster.   
“Why was your day shit?” Alec croaked out, trying to hide the fact that the tears didn’t seem to be stopping any time soon. He subtly shifted closer to Magnus, trying to get more of the delicious warmth from human touch. 

“Well James accepted a date to homecoming, which caused a fight of all fights to break out in my living room. He’s actually going with Simon, your guitarist.” Magnus glanced at him and Alec felt a fresh round of guilt. He’d meant to text SImon after his coffee with Magnus to let him know that James was taken, despite all evidence to the contrary. 

“I’m sorry,” Alec sniffed and tried not to sound so pathetic. HIs nose was getting more stuffed by the second and soon it’d be running like a fountain all over the place. Why did Magnus even want to spend time with him? Whenever they were together Alec seemed to be crying. “I meant to tell SImon after we talked. I...My sister and I got into an awful fight and I forgot. I should have stopped SImon and-”

“Darling, it’s okay.” Magnus soothed. He sucked in a quick breath before his cheeks turned pink at the pet name he’d let slip. “My mother did that. She was always using terms of endearment with everyone. Even the clerks in the store would get one, and it was awkward most of the time. I do that when people are upset and-”

“It’’s nice,” Alec admitted softly. “My mom did that when we were little, but I don’t remember the last time someone called me something other than Alec. It… it reminds me of being cared about and looked after. It reminds me of when things used to be easy.”

“I get that,” Magnus agreed, his green eyes had a tint of gold in the fading sun as they looked over the houses surrounding them. “Do you want to talk about why you’re upset? About what your fight was about?”

“No,” Alec said as he hiccuped softly to stave off the sob threatening to break through his silent tears. “I don’t know how to talk about it. I-I don’t know what to say. Everything is falling apart.”

“It’ll all fall together again,” Magnus said softly as he brought an arm around Alec’s shoulders. He started rubbing gentle circles into his arm. Alec was using every bit of self-control he had to not turn and bury his head in Magnus’s shoulder. “My world fell apart two years ago too. My mom committed suicide after years of depression. My dad wasn’t sober for more than an hour after that for a few months. He eventually drank himself to death in the end.”

“Oh my God,” Alec was shocked out of his tears for a moment, trying to imagine the horror of living through something like that. Losing both of his parents in such awful ways. Alec still had his, even if they weren’t the best. 

“I haven’t finished yet,” Magnus teased him as they bumped shoulders. “I’m not trying to make you feel like what you’re dealing with isn’t horrible. I’m not trying to make you feel bad for feeling heartbroken. My point is that that was a horrible time in my life. My whole world fell apart and I lost my only family. I was sad and I thought nothing would ever be okay again. Then at the hospital after my dad died I met a paramedic named Ragnor. He stayed with me after his shift was over to fill out papers and sort out what to do. He offered me a bed for the night and I never left. I met a new family. I was still sad, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t know if I would be here right now if my parents hadn’t died. I think they would have ended up losing me because I was losing my mind being caught in the wrong body.” Magnus sighed quietly before making his last point. “Things fall back together somehow, in the long run. I am happier now than I’ve ever been. I miss my mother every single day, but she knows her child is happy. It took years to get here and not every day is easy, but it falls back together.”

They were quiet for a long moment, too long. Magnus had an excellent point that no sadness was permanent. He knew that one day he’d get out of his house with his siblings and everything would look so much brighter. He knew they’d figure out what to do with Max, even if their little brother ended up sharing an apartment with them. It was right now that seemed to never stop trying to crush him. It was the fact that he was worried to death about Izzy and Max every single day. He was so worried that their future wasn’t so bright after all. He was so scared and alone. He hated to lean on Aline when she was so happy now with Helen. She deserved to enjoy her life instead of being dragged into his stressed out mess. Simon was often caught up with his own family activities and things. Alec had trouble on leaning on anyone before meeting Magnus. He simply felt like Magnus had been through enough that he could handle it. Magnus knew what it was to have a life torn apart beyond repair. He knew what it was to lose parents, even if Alec’s were still physically alive they were still lost. 

Alec still ended up letting his sobs rise to the surface, though let was a relative term. Everything was so painful, and it was so real. He couldn’t pretend it wasn’t happening when his sister was destroying herself and his little brother was never home anymore. Not when their father had stopped even pretending to care any longer. Not with so much screaming and fighting in halls once filled with laughter. 

Magnus moved to hold him closer, both arms circling him in a tight hug. Alec curled up as small as he could so he’d fit right into Magnus’s arms like he was always meant to be there. HIs head was tucked into Magnus’s neck so he could smell the soap he used. The scent seemed to calm him so that he wasn’t completely out of control. His tears soaked the tee under his cheek, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was warm and he felt safe for just a moment. He was so glad Magnus had come and had known exactly what to do. He was glad that at this moment he didn’t have to be in control of anything. He could just fall apart for this moment and have someone juggle the pieces. 

Alec rested his head on Magnus’s shoulder as the tears stopped at last. He felt worn out to the core after everything that had happened in the last few hours. Magnus shifted a bit to pull out a tiny pack of tissues to hand to him. Alec’s heart melted as he took it with a small smile.

“Thank you,” Alec wiped his face as subtly as possible and moving as little as possible. Magnus’s arm rested easily around his waist, and it all felt so natural. This felt easy. “Thank you so much for coming. I didn’t want to be alone.”

“You should never have to be alone,” Magnus said quietly. The sun was setting slowly in front of them as they sat enjoying the company. “I’m glad I came.”

“All I did was sit here and cry,” Alec laughed a bit at how ridiculous the situation even sounded. 

“And I got to hold you through that.” Magnus smiled at him, their eyes locking and holding. Alec was sure he looked a complete mess right now, but you’d never guess that from the way Magnus was looking at him. He had felt close to Magnus from the first time they met, and just now he didn’t think he’d felt this close to anyone in a long, long time. 

He barely had to move at all for them to be touching foreheads intimately. Their breath mingled in the air between them and now that his nose was clear he realized how amazing Magnus smelled. Alec knew it was one of the worst moments to move his head to the side just a bit and brush his lips against Magnus’s. He knew Magnus wanted to go slow, but the moment felt so right when they were finally alone. Magnus gasped softly at the sensation of their lips touching for the first time. Alec froze and prayed Magnus wouldn’t move away and freak out. Magnus’s tongue darted out to wet his lips before he leaned forwards enough for Alec to capture his lips again. Magnus’s hand that wasn’t behind them supporting his balance came to rest on his cheek. Alec broke the kiss softly, but didn’t move from their bubble of warmth. Magnus’s hand trailed down his neck to grip his shoulder. 

“I somehow didn’t see that coming,” Magnus said gently, nearly laughing.

“Would you believe I didn’t either?” Alec asked as he used one hand to circle Magnus’s back and rub gently. “Was it alright that I kissed you?”

“I...yeah I think it was,” Magnus seemed shocked by his own answer. They sat in silence for a while more before coming to mutual agreement that it was time to get going. They stood and gathered what Magnus had brought before heading to their lonely cars. Alec helped Magnus throw the blanket in his backseat before turning to face one another again. 

“Next week,” Magnus began quietly. “Let’s agree to put everything aside for homecoming. Let’s just be us and have a great time. I want us to have one great night.”

“I agree,” Alec smiled and grabbed Magnus’s hand in his. He kissed the back of it before letting it drop and backing up towards his car. “Did you enjoy your first kiiss?”

“I think it was nearly movie worthy,” Magnus said with a small laugh and a shy smile. “It was perfect.”  
“I”ll see you in school if nothing else,” Alec gave a small wave. He climbed into his car and sighed into the silence. He had to go home and put back on the mantle of running the Lightwood family, but he had had one perfect moment with the sweetest boy he’d ever met. It didn’t fix his problems, but it made them just a tiny bit easier to face once again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again everyone!!! Summer is over and I think I have time to write again!!! This chapter is the calm before the storm which is why it's a little shorter than the previous ones. I'll have a new chapter up in a couple of days WOO Happy Reading and please please comment!!!

Magnus sat in the place he always was Saturday mornings. His leg jiggled in anticipation of what was to come that night. Homecoming, one of the largest dances in high school. Something Magnus had never done as Margaret. Never wanting to wear a dress for that long. Never comfortable enough to spend time with a stranger for a night. Jem had asked him to the dance in freshman year, and he had said no before dashing off to be alone. He had hated himself so much back then that he hadn’t wanted to subject anyone to his presence. 

Now three years later he was going to that same dance, with a boy nicer than he could have imagined. Their kiss had been electrifying, and yet only a thing of innocence. Magnus had meant it to be a thing of comfort for Alec, who was obviously falling apart. He knew Alec’s dad was the worst person in the world, and that something was going on with his sister since WIll had talked about it. He knew Alec took too much on his own shoulders. He just didn’t know enough to help, only enough to feel helpless. Alec’s lips had been all he’d thought about this week. He was determined that tonight was going to be good. They both needed a good night to escape into. He wanted to show Alec that he could come to him for an escape, the same way Magnus had gone to him. He could be in a relationship, a real, healthy one. He was not his mother, and he had to make sure he never would be. He would always love his mother so dearly, but her marriage had never been more than a disaster. 

“Magnus,” Raphael greeted as he swept past him in the lobby. “Come on in, I’m sorry you had to wait.”

“Now who’s the one that’s late?” Magnus teased as he followed his mentor to his office in the back of the building. Raphael seemed less calm than he normally did, which put Magnus himself on edge naturally. He picked up on other people’s emotions easily. Raphael threw his own things by his desk before sighing and settling into a chair. Magnus took the floor as usual. 

“What’s wrong Raphael?” Magnus asked him, watching carefully. It seemed that the older man had run here, or been in a much bigger hurry than ever. 

“Oh, my boyfriend’s nephew is staying with us more often than not and at the last minute I had to run him to school.” Raphael rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “I don’t mind helping out, but this boy’s dad doesn’t even want him at our place at all. It’s a lot of messy phone calls and arguing and things. I’m just annoyed with the whole thing and afraid that Mike is going to be charged with kidnapping. It’s stressful.” He sighed once more before looking at Magnus more closely.

“You seem….well happier than usual.” Raphael had probably tried not to sound quite so surprised, but he had failed by a long shot. Magnus flushed lightly and smiled down at his knees. He knew his happy demeanor had everything to do with that kiss. Well, that and the more frequent text messages now and the dance frenzy that had taken over. He felt more alive than he had in a long time. 

“I am happier than usual,” Magnus agreed. “Things have been mostly good. I got kissed for the first time. I’m actually participating in school things. I feel like I am an ordinary person the last few days.”

“Looks like I get an easy day,” Raphael joked, but Magnus could see how pleased he was. “So, a kiss? With this Alec boy we’ve talked about?”

“Yeah, who else could it be? It’s not like I have a line of suitors waiting out my door. Alec is better than I could have ever thought. He’s sweet, and he is so accepting. He’s….just amazing.”

“How are things at home” Raphael asked, knowing about the rumors and tension lately. Magnus’s good mood popped like a bubble as he merely thought about what things had been like the last week. 

“Do we have to talk about that?” Magnus asked, already knowing that he’d never escape this topic. Things had been so awful at home that Magnus had been avoiding his house like the plague unless Ragnor was home. Ragnor kept things relatively calm when he was around. Otherwise it was full of screaming fights. It had started with the dance, but now it was about everything and anything. Will was convinced Jem wanted to end things, but Jem wanted anything but. Magnus had to wonder why Jem hadn’t just called off his date with Simon to end all of this. If it was him he would have just stayed home altogether. 

“Magnus, obviously it’s bothering you.” Raphael looked at him with the face that meant he had better start talking. 

“No, it’s just a lot of fighting,” Mangus said as though it were nothing. “Jem accepted a different date to homecoming, and WIll is freaking out about it. They’re always bickering and now I’m not sleeping bc I have Jem in my bed every night. I mean I’m not going to turn him away, but I can’t fall asleep with someone else in my bed. I don’t know how I let Alec kiss me. I can’t...it’s just my body...I -- “

“Your body is fine,” Raphael interrupted him softly. “How you feel about it is fine too. It’s going to take time to accept your new body.”

“How do I go about doing that? You keep saying it’s something I have to do, but you never tell me how. It’s frustrating and I don’t understand it. I hate who I used to be, hate it. I burned any and all pictures of before. I worked so hard and I’ve been through a lot to get where I am. I use binders that suck because I love being Magnus. It also makes no damn sense that I like wearing make up like some girl, but I’m letting that go. I know it’s not totally weird for men to wear make up, especially bi or gay boys. Though I’m pretty sure I’m a gay transgender man because me ever being with a woman is laughable..” Magnus finally had to take a deep breath for some air. “Y’know, those three think that they’re the weirdest situation out there, but I’m pretty sure I have them beat. I make no sense, even to me. Those three naturally falling in love seems pretty normal to me.”

“Can I say something?” Raphael said softly, not meaning to interrupt but with probably some wisdom. Magnus felt bad he had rambled like that for so long, but the thoughts had been running around in his head for the last week. He had seen Raphael on Tuesday, but that hadn’t come up. He honestly didn’t even remember what they had said on Tuesday. Probably they had hashed out the fight between his three friends that somehow he got dragged further and further into. 

“Sorry,” Magnus said quietly. Raphael slipped to the floor beside him so that their knees and shoulders brushed. Magnus shifted closer, missing the warmth of the touch of another person. Raphael was the only person he’d ever let touch him freely. With everyone else it took Herculean effort, but with him it was easy. 

“Do you think you’re ready to quit therapy?” Raphael asked. Magnus was shocked speechless for a minute, thinking the older man had gone crazy. How could he really even ask that?

“No!” Magnus sputtered as he looked at his mentor.

“Well, why not? I got you through the transition, righ? You think you’re done and that’s that? By your definition then our sessions should be done now.” Raphael took pity on him after a minute of his silence. He pulled him in close and kept a comforting arm around his shoulders. “Magnus, you’re not done. I don’t know how many times I have to say it. You’re ready to jump the gun on this and be magically okay. How do you accept your new body? Magnus, that’s up to you. You could try looking in the mirror at yourself closely every day. Ultimately, I think, you just have to stop analyzing things. You need to stop telling yourself what you can or can’t feel. You are a person Magnus, that’s it. You are simply a human being, and human beings are more complicated than anyone can comprehend. You felt so deeply that you identified as a boy, and that’s what you did. You also happen to like make up, and that’s okay. You are the only one to have a say in who you are. Alec seems to be okay with what he sees every time he sees you.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Magnus said quietly. “So, you’re telling me the hard work has only just started, aren’t you?”

“That’s what I’m trying to get at, yeah.” Raphael hugged him one last time before getting up. “So, you have homecoming tonight? Mike’s nephew kept talking about it.”

“Yeah, I had better get going. I still have to rent a tux yet. Plus I have to do my hair and whatever else,” Magnus didn’t feel completely heartened by their talk, and yet he also felt more okay with whatever he did feel. If Raphael was okay with where he was at with it all, then maybe he could be too. 

“Have a wonderful time,” Raphael said earnestly. “You really deserve to have one high school year worth remembering the rest of your life.”

“I’m planning on it,” Magnus said with a grin before leaving. 

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

“This is so much fun,” Isabelle said with a smirk. She was lying on Alec’s bed on her side with her head propped up on her hand while the other hand flicked through a magazine. “Seriously, I don’t know why I never skipped homecoming before.”

“You’re sure you won’t come?” Alec asked her as he took his tux out of the closet. “So I got Magnus a boutonniere, weird or good move?”

“Mm, I don’t fancy seeing my ex all over some guy,” Izzy said idly. “If he wants to switch teams, fine by me, but I don’t want to watch it. It does something to a girl.” She smiled widely at his question. “Alec, I daresay you’ve learned how to function as a boyfriend. I am so proud.”

“Does that mean he’ll like it?” Alec was too stressed for anything but simple answers. “Dad is gone for the weekend, right? Yol’re sure he won’t show up later tonight?”

“Why? You bringing Magnus home on the second date?” Izzy teased with a light laugh. Alec felt a pang watching her and realizing he couldn’t properly name the last time she had laughed like that. “Relax big brother, Dad told me he’s gone til Monday with yet another blonde, or maybe the same blonde I don’t know. The point is we get a break from him at last after two fucking weeks of hell.”

“Amen to that,” A voice said from the doorway and the two Lightwoods looked to see Jace dressed to the nines in the doorway. His tux fit perfectly and he had a tie to match his girlfriend’s dress hanging down his front. He had a red rose pinned to his shoulder and it played off his blonde hair perfectly. Alec was slightly jealous, but then he knew his date was about to look just as nice, if not nicer. “Alec, you almost ready?”

“As ready as I’m gonna be,” Alec replied, not entirely happy with how his eyeliner had turned out, but his nails were complementary to the shade of blue Magnus said he’d be wearing. Izzy trailed after the two of them as they went downstairs.. Alec felt a pang as he realized Max was getting ready for homecoming alone at MIke’s house because he refused to come home. He was going with a bunch of friends, but it would have been nice to have gotten ready together. He stopped at the fridge to grab the flowers from the fridge. He had gotten them both boutonniere to match. 

A loud honk of a car horn sounded from outside and it had all three of them completely baffled. Nobody should be here that had a car. ALec was only a step behind Jace as they opened the front door to see what was going on. The absolute last thing that would crossed his mind was a large black limo sitting outside his house with Aline Penhallow’s head poking out of the top. 

“Get in bitches, we’re going to homecoming!” She hollered with a grin. Izzy’s mouth hung open as she stared at the spectacle.

“The one time I don’t come we get a limo. What kind of shit is that?”” Izzy complained. Alec was about to tell her to throw on a dress when Simon rolled down the window to grin at Alec. The same look seemed to cross both Izzy and SImon faces at the same moment as they set eyes on each other after months. Izzy had been careful to ignore SImon completely the last month they had been in the same building. She had been rude, and dismissive of Simon whenever they were forced to be in the same room. She took the halls she knew he never would. She had monopolized Alec away from SImon as often as she could. She would pointedly talk to WIll and Alec at shows, but not Simon. This was the first time she had not had a plan when she saw her ex-boyfriend. 

Alec couldn’t read her face exactly, but he did know that that wasn’t the face of someone who hated their ex. HIs sister looked at SImon the way she had since their first date, like he had hung the moon just for her. 

“Alright, well, have fun,” His sister said lamely as she took a step back towards the house. Alec bit his lip, unsure of what to say to her where everyone else could hear. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, and how loved she was. That whatever she was going through she didn’t have to do it alone. 

“I’ll be right back,” Simon said as he climbed out and hurried after Izzy. Alec knew in some way that he probably should stop SImon since Izzy had made it more than clear that she didn’t want to talk to him. However, he also knew that Isabelle had to talk to someone and that Simon had always been the one she confided in before. He let him go and faced the limo. 

“This is crazy Aline,” Alec said, though he was grinning as he took his seat next to Magnus. His date looked impeccable. His tie was a royal blue, and his eyeliner was a muted blue that complimented it perfectly. There was glitter dusting his eyelids, subtle enough to only glint here and there, and yet completely captivating at the same time. “You look amazing Magnus.”

“Back at you,” Magnus said somewhat shyly, his eyes widening as he saw the flowers in different shades of blue. “You brought me flowers?”

“Look at our Alec being romantic,” Aline teased them as Alec carefully pinned the flowers to Magnus’s shoulder. Alec rolled his eyes, but still gave a small smile at just how good those looked. Aline snapped a picture making them both wince and glare at her. Aline sighed and stared out the window. “SImon had better come back, and he better hurry. He can’t stand up James after all. I’m not letting my best friend be a rude asshole.”

“Give them a minute,” Helen said as she tucked a stray piece of hair behind Aline’s ear. “Simon deserves a chance to finally talk to her.”

“While I agree,” Alec said as he caught a glimpse of the time on Magnus’s phone. “We do have to play tonight. If we’re late then we basically forfeit our rights for playing at prom. My sister only has so many strings.she can pull.”

“We give him five minutes before I have Fred up there honk the horn a dozen times,” Aline compromised, leaning against Helen happily. Alec settled down in his seat and hoped whatever Simon was doing that he was getting somewhere. 

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

 

Simon really needed to learn to have a plan when he went off the handle to follow his heart. He had had no intentions of even speaking to Isabelle tonight, which should have been easy since she wasn’t coming to the dance. Then he saw her on the lawn in pajama pants and his shirt with no shoes on and he had to say something. Though it had been months since she had so much as spoken to him he felt drawn to her in every single way. He was still helplessly in love, and he didn’t regret it for one minute. 

“Will you quit ignoring me?” SImon said exasperatedly as he stuck his foot to stop the front door from closing. She whirled around in surprise, and a scowl tried to cross her features but it fell slightly short. She crossed her arms, and Simon could only marvel at how beautiful she looked. He loved Isabelle with everything he had, and the last few months proved that he always would. 

“Will you quit chasing after me?” She asked in return. “You’re supposed to be going to homecoming with James. You moved on.” She bit her lip and swept her hair to one side to drape over her shoulder. SImon sighed and put his hands in his pockets. 

“Is that what you really think? That I’ve just moved on? You think that’s even possible? Izzy, nobody moves on from you.” Simon was being as earnest as he could, but he couldn’t read her face to save his life. 

“You need to move on. I thought you had gained some sense finally.” She bit her lip harder before straightening her shoulders and folding her arms more tightly. “This is over Simon, and I told you that. We’re done, completely. Go fuck that boy and get the hell over me.”

“Are you jealous of James?” Simon asked, knowing the answer. He took a step closer to her, the smell of her shampoo giving him a rush. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted nothing more than to push her up against the wall and kiss her senseless, or even kiss some sense back into her. He knew every piece of the girl in front of him. He knew something was wrong, and that Alec had every right to worry. Something had been going on since the night she called to break things off. Simon saw it all, the way she walked differently these days. The way that she never had that happy spark in her eyes anymore. He saw that she faked a smile when she cheered. He saw the way she insecurely needed all of Alec’s attention in a way she never did before. He saw how she flinched at Aline’s comments, and she never had before. 

“I’m not jealous of anyone,” She said stubbornly. “You can see whoever you want to.” 

“Why are you wearing my shirt?” Simon couldn’t help the small smile that broke out as he laid the fact between them. He knew this wasn’t over, but he didn’t know why she was forcing them into this break. 

“Wipe that stupid smile off your face,” Isabelle said forcefully. “ It has nothing to do with you! You think you have me all figured out, and you don’t know a damn thing.”

“I know everything about you,” Simon argued. “We have been friends since we were kids. I’ve been on every family vacation you’ve ever taken. I’ve been here for every first day of school. I’ve seen you with stomach flu, and I saw you at sophmore homecoming. I’ve seen you in love, and now I’m seeing you fall apart.”

“Oh, so you think I’m falling apart without you?” Izzy said it arrogantly with her chin tilted upwards. “If you know me so damn well, then you would know I don’t fall apart over boys. You need to check yourself Simon. I don’t want to be a bitch to you.”

“Hasn’t stopped you the last two months,” Simon said scathingly. “I know damn well you’re falling apart, but I’m not delusional enough to think it has anything to do with me. You never let yourself get that close to me, or to anyone.” He ran a hand through his hair and knew he had to get going. “Why can’t we still be friends? Look, if you need space that’s fine. How are you just going to erase more than ten years of friendship? How are you going to act like I’m nothing?”

“You need to leave,” Izzy said, clinging tightly to her elbows. “You have homecoming. You have a date.” Her tone was bitter, and the last thing Simon wanted was to hurt her more. 

“I love you,” Simon reminded her, his tone falling gentle. “I love you even while you’re going through whatever this is. My feelings haven’t changed. James is nothing to me. He’s just a date Iz. Aline demanded we all had dates, and that I didn’t mope. I wish more than anything that you were slipping into that red dress you couldn’t afford for prom last year and coming on my arm. I wish you were hearing me play tonight.”

Isabelle was quiet for the first time since he had entered the house. She swallowed heavily a few times as she stared quietly at him. He knew by the brightness to her eyes that she was trying not to cry. He wanted to touch her, hold her, but he knew she would just push him away again. He sighed and turned go when he felt a gentle hand on his elbow. 

“Simon,” Izzy’s voice was soft and shaking slightly. “I love you, and I think you know that. I just-” She swallowed hard again and closed her eyes for a moment. “I can’t be with you right now. I don’t feel-” She cut off as her lips shook. “Please don’t do this to me. Don’t say these things because I will probably end up kissing you and I can’t do this right now. I know it’s not fair to you, but I need you to give me space. I need you to do that for me.” She tucked some hair behind her ear and paused before asking with hope in her voice. “ James isn’t really a date?”

“No, not really,” Simon said sadly, hating the look on her face. She was breaking her own heart and he could do nothing but watch. “I’ll be here Iz, I promise. I’m not going anywhere.” 

Isabelle slowly wrapped him in a tight hug, clinging to him like her favorite teddy she used to have as a little girl. Alec had told him that under oath, but it still was an adorable picture. He had seen her sleeping with it once or twice. He held her to him, and wished this wasn’t just for this moment. He wished she would tell him what’s going on. 

The horn blared outside at least five times to let him know time was absolutely up and he had to go. 

“Bye Iz,” He said softly as he touched her cheek gently. He closed the door behind him and felt his heart break a bit as he heard a sob behind the door. He didn’t know exactly what was happening with Izzy, but it was breaking the both of them. He knew Alec would kill him for not telling him, but he also knew Izzy had to work through this herself this time. She wasn’t letting anyone in on this one, and as much as it killed him he was going to respect that.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look guys two chapters that aren't a month apart!!! Craziness I know. So um one huge warning for this chapter. VIOLENCE WARNING There is quite a bit of violence in this chapter and this might be triggering for people depending on what you've gone through. I tried to deal with the issues in this chapter as realistically as possible. This is a huge problem in this country and it's horrifying. 
> 
> But there is some good fluff in this chapter as well so enjoy that of course!!! READ TIL THE END OF THE CHAPTER BEFORE YOU GET ALL ANGRY AND STUFF is all I'm gonna say as well
> 
> If you don't want to read the violent parts then read til the first scene break and then just skip to the end where I"ll put a summary. I don't want to upset anyone so please keep yourself safe guys.
> 
> Happy Reading :)

Their theme for homecoming was black and white, and it was a huge hit. The archway of balloons was the first thing they saw after getting through the line of security at the front doors. Through it held fairy twinkling lights all over the gym and black drapes mostly covering the walls. The stage they were to play on was on one end with a large space for a dance floor and the other end held refreshments. A corner of the gym was set up for a photo booth that was crowded with people.

The scene was everything Magnus could have imagined for a dance, except for the fact that he never in a million years expected to walk into it holding Alec Lightwood’s hand. The group was talking easily around him. Jem, Will, and Tessa had joined their group, though Will did so reluctantly. Simon seemed quiet and withdrawn, barely saying a hello to Jem at all. Whatever had happened with Isabelle was on his mind. Aline and Helen had disappeared two seconds after coming in the door to see their other friends. Magnus was trying to take everything in and yet still enjoy the moment. 

“You okay?” Alec asked him, his breath tickling his ear making shivers run through him. Alec had shifted his hand to the small of his back to guide him through the very crowded gym. That simple action had his heart jumping every which way. 

“I’m good, just taking everything in,” Magnus smiled at him, trying not to let his eyes linger on Alec’s lips. The problem since their first kiss was that Magnus wanted to do it again. Preferably this time with Alec happy and smiling with that adorable twinkle in his blue eyes that he had right now. “Everything looks great.”

“Wait until prom, last year was impressive,” Alec replied with a smile while squeezing his hand. He had seemed to imply that maybe they’d still be like this six months from now. That maybe Alec would like him that long, a concept that baffled him. He never dared to believe Alec was a long term thing. 

“We gotta go set up,” Will said to Alec and Simon. He kissed Tessa on the cheek as she held him close a second longer with a kiss to his lips. Will left without a second look to any of them. Alec sighed quietly and kissed Magnus’s cheek lightly before heading off to the stage. Magnus felt his face heat up as his stomach exploded in the usual butterflies he got every time Alec was close to him. 

“So, my date won’t even talk to me, and neither will my boyfriend,” Jem said glumly as he leaned on the wall next to Magnus. “I fucked this one up big time.”

“Will is more upset than angry,” Tessa said to him as she looped their arms. “You know how he gets when he gets insecure. He lashes out and makes everything worse.”

“Simon had a blow up thing with his ex right before we got here,” Magnus explained. “He’ll snap out of it I’m sure. If he doesn’t treat you decent WIll and I will beat his ass for you.”

“No, you won’t,” Jem said, though a small smile appeared on his face anyways. “I deserve a dud date after hurting you like this. I should have just called it off. I could be home reading, or playing violin, or anything other than this.”

“I never would have come without you,” Tessa said earnestly. She took Jem’s hand in hers and hid it behind her dress. Magnus smiled to himself and then focused on Alec setting up to play. He loved seeing Alec on stage, since it truly seemed to be where he belonged. 

It wasn’t long before the room went dark and Mortal Instruments began to play. It was the first time Will had grinned in weeks. The band was having a blast and the massive sea of dancing bodies made it evident the crowd was loving them. Magnus wished he could dance with Alec, and now knew just why Tessa had been so grumpy when Will had signed on to play. Tessa pulled him and Jem to dance either way. The three of them talked, danced, and laughed until the crowd pressed in too close for Magnus to be comfortable with. 

Magnus slipped outside when his friends went back to the dance floor after a bit of a break. He hadn’t been this happy since before his mom had died. His life since that moment had been one roller coaster after another. He had spent months torturing himself over how he felt about his body. He had felt unworthy of love or happiness. He had hated the fact that he couldn’t be normal. It had been like he had been punishing himself for how he felt. Then he had had Ragnor help him and he had met Raphael who had saved him from himself. He had friends that had never truly left him, no matter how much he pushed them away. He could look in the mirror now without cringing most of the time. His life had gotten better than he ever could have imagined sitting in that dark room with his mother’s body next to him, crying and feeling like he’d be alone forever. He could say he was happy now, which was a far cry from where he’d thought he’d be. He couldn’t say the past didn’t hurt, but it was fading just a bit. Alec Lightwood may have his own demons to deal with, but he was still brighter than anyone Magnus had ever met. 

“Hey,” An arm came around him from behind and Magnus felt himself stop breathing for a moment before he caught sight of messy black hair and knew it could only be Alec. “Was my show really that bad?”

“No,” Magnus said with a smile as he faced Alec. “Your playing was fantastic, but it got way crowded in there. I just needed a second to breathe. Is Will behaving?”

“I think he’s finding too much pleasure in the fact that Jem and Simon are having one of the worst dates in history,” Alec huffed, but he smiled like he couldn’t keep it off his face. Magnus leaned in and kissed Alec purely on impulse. He couldn’t hold himself back anymore with Alec smiling like that under the stars and the night being so perfect. Alec made a quiet noise of surprise before instinct took over and he pulled Magnus closer. Magnus could feel the muscles in his arms tightening as they held him securely. Their lips pressed together with more heat than the other night. Magnus felt the butterflies explode to make a million more as he brought a hand to the back of Alec’s head, tangling in the hair at the nape of his neck. His other hand was pressed to Alec’s cheek, nearly caressing it as the kiss went on. Alec’s mouth was soft against his, and the kiss was gentle even as the heat between them rose in leaps and bounds. Magnus heard himself whimper softly as he pressed closer to the warmth and safety Alec offered with his presence. 

Alec broke the kiss gently, but kept Magnus close in his arms and pressed their foreheads together. “We’re getting better at this.”

Magnus could only laugh softly with his head still spinning pleasantly. “Are you free to dance now?”

“We have one more set to play, but we have a break for about a half hour,” Alec grinned at him again and Magnus was afraid his heart was about to burst. “I’m torn between staying out here with you in this perfect moment or dragging you back into that gym to dance. You can’t say you’ve been to homecoming if you don’t dance with your date at least once.”

“We could always dance out here,” Magnus said, his own words surprising him. “After all, you do sing perfectly anyways.”

“You think I should serenade you on our second date?” Alec asked as he settled one arm around Magnus’s waist and gently lifted the other one. “You are so bold, Magnus Bane.”

Magnus laughed since that statement was beyond ridiculous. Alec started to sway softly, bringing Magnus with him. Alec was quiet for a moment before picking up a soft and quiet tune. “When I look into your eyes, it’s like watching the night sky, or a beautiful sunrise, there’s so much they hold.” Magnus melted inside at this new view of Alec’s voice, soft and melodic in the quiet night air. “And just like them old stars, I see that you’ve come so far. To be right where you are, how old is your soul?” A gentle breeze kicked up to make Magnus shiver and Alec to pull him close again, both arms snug around his waist. Magnus tentatively wrapped his arms around Alec’s neck. Alec nuzzled his neck softly with his nose before looking back at Magnus intently. “Well I won’t give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I’m giving you all my love. I’m still looking up.” 

Magnus could die happy, right here and now in this moment. 

The shot echoed through the air and made Magnus stop completely and his mind clear. They stood frozen tangled together on the side of the school. Screams echoed out the open front doors of the school, security having abandoned it after the student body was inside. Had they left the doors open? Alec took off sprinting towards the doors without a second thought. Magnus was trying to tell himself that the sound could have been anything, not necessarily what it sounded like. 

“Alec,” Magnus hissed desperately as they froze for a moment in the entryway, determining which way to go. “Alec, that sounded like a gunshot.”

“Call 911 and get the hell out of here,” Alec said fiercely. “I have to go see if my brother and our friends are okay.”

“I’m not leaving without you,” Magnus said just as fiercely. “My friends are in there too. I bet ten people have already called.”

Four more shots rang out in the still air and screams filled the air more intensely and the music cut out completely now. Magnus could hear the thunder of feet moving as the shots kept coming. He could feel himself shaking as he ran behind Alec towards the chaos. He knew every logical part of his brain was telling him to get out now and stay safe, but he couldn’t leave everyone he loved behind in a building that was turning into a death trap. 

Alec tugged him suddenly into a doorway, pressing them together. The screams were still echoing through the halls and Magnus had never been this scared in his entire life. He clung to Alec while he could for this moment. Alec was shaking as badly as he was now that they were standing still. Were they going to make it out of this alive? 

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Alec didn’t worry about Magnus’s touching issues as he pressed him as close as possible. Every part of him wanted to get to the gym as quickly as possible, but logic told him that the shooter wasn’t about to stay in the gym that long. People were scattered all over the school now hiding and trying to escape, though the only exit open was the front doors. 

He really tried to ignore the guilt he felt that he was the one that had left the side door open. 

After a few moments he heard lone, steady footsteps coming down the suddenly silent hall. The steps clicked evenly against the linoleum, completely unnerving when his mind was in chaos. He never should have brought Magnus back into this building, but then again how was he about to leave? Magnus had obviously come to the same conclusion that he had about who was about to walk past the very doorway they were hiding in. He was silently crying, the tears smearing his perfectly placed makeup. Alec wanted to assure him, but all he could do was to press a hand over Magnus’s mouth and nose to keep him silent. 

As the steps grew closer, only feet away, Alec realized there was no way they could be missed. The doorjamb wasn’t deep enough to hide both of them. Alec worked a hand between the door and Magnus to get the handle to click open. His eyes met wide, green ones and Alec had no idea how this was about to go. He had no idea if he was about to leave Magnus alone in this moment. He had no clue if the kiss they had just shared under a starlit sky was his last. He had no idea if this would even work, or if what he was about to do would be for no reason at all. He had to try and save this beautiful boy he had met, the one that had brightened his life in so many ways. He shoved Magnus hard enough to make him stumble back into the shadows of the classroom where he couldn’t be seen. 

The momentum of the push sent Alec stumbling out into the hall, feet from the shooter that held a semi-automatic in his hand. He was dressed in black from his neck down to his feet. HIs pale skin looking sickly in the florescent lighting of the school. Alec saw he had platinum blonde hair and steady hands as he raised the gun. Alec’s throat was stuck closed even as he wanted to try and plead for his life. He wanted to ask why this man would ever do this. Why he would come into a school teeming with potential life and end so many. He would end their innocence and their happiness. Alec knew that even if he did make it through this alive that he would never be the same. He could never go back to being fine after this. He wanted to look at Magnus one last time, but didn’t dare in case it tipped this maniac off. 

He felt the pain before he realized what must have happened. He heard himself scream, though he couldn’t really register it happening. The pain was unlike anything he had ever felt, tearing at him from the inside. He was on the floor as the man carelessly stepped on his fingers, leaning over him as if to see if enough damage was done. He dug his heel in as he turned and Alec heard at least one finger break. He didn’t have enough breath in him left to scream so he could only faintly whimper as he struggled to keep breathing. The pain overwhelmed every sense and every thought as he laid there on the cold linoleum, staring up at his own poster for one of their shows. He didn’t want to die here, not like this. He wanted to do so much, and he wanted to see what life was like without his dad oppressively over him at every opportunity. He wanted to be there for his siblings to love and protect them. He wanted to see where things could go with Magnus, or with anyone. He wanted to fall in love and see what that was really like. 

He couldn’t help when his head lolled to the side and he lost to the darkness wanting to consume him.

MBALMBALMBAL

Magnus couldn’t breathe he was crying so hard. He heard the shot and the slump of Alec’s body and felt like he was dying. He was biting his lip hard enough to make it bleed to keep from making any sound. He forced himself to wait long enough for the shooter to leave before he went to Alec. Alec had saved him. The boy who he had barely let in until just now had saved his life. 

He opened the door slowly, wincing at the slight screech the hinges made. His hands shook as he gripped the doorframe to make himself stand. He saw that the hall was empty and heard that all was quiet before he made his gaze travel down to Alec on the floor. The blood pool was spreading underneath him at an alarming rate. Magnus didn’t hesitate to tear off his jacket and press it to where the bleeding seemed to be coming from. 

“Alec,” Magnus whispered, even though he knew Alec couldn’t hear him. He let out a sob and wanted to just curl up here and not move. “Alec, you’re an idiot. You never should have done that. Oh my God, Alec.” The quiet was unnerving him and now that he saw for himself that people were truly dying he was aching to find Will, Jem, and Tessa. Those three were his family, the only one that he had. The blood seemed to stop flowing so strongly after a long time of pressing on it as hard as he could. Alec didn’t wake and his skin was paler than Magnus had ever seen it, even under stage lights. He didn’t want to leave Alec, but what else could he do? If Alec was dead there was nothing Magnus could do. What if the shooter came back? Then all Alec did would be for nothing, and plus Alec would want him to see if the others were okay. That’s all that was on his mind as they ran in here. He pressed a kiss to Alec’s temple with shaking lips. He draped his jacket over him and forced himself to stand. It took a few tries for his knees to support him but he finally managed leaning heavily on one wall. His knees didn’t want to support him as he made himself move towards the main part of his school. He stumbled through the halls, finding too many people sprawled on the floor like Alec, blood coating the halls. 

He made it to the gym to find it deserted besides bodies littering the floor here and there. Magnus counted seven in here alone. He gagged at the stench of blood in the room. He wasn’t sure if he could move any further. This was too much for him to take in. Just as he was about to slide down to the floor the sound of crying caught his attention. His head snapped up to see Aline across the gym in the corner. She was openly crying as she looked down at something in her lap. Magnus was relieved to see someone he knew alive and well instead of being alone in this tomb. He quickly walked towards her, but his stomach rolled again upon reaching her and he wished he had never seen this. 

Helen was laid in Aline’s lap, covered in blood and obviously no longer alive. Her face was bruised and she had two gunshot wounds on her torso. Her blonde hair fanned out over the floor, blood coating part of it. A crown laid on its side a few feet away with a matching one sitting by Aline’s hip. He guessed it was them that won homecoming queens, just like Aline had wanted. 

“Aline,” Magnus whispered brokenly. He didn’t know what he could possibly say to her in this moment. He had only met her a couple of times, and now she was going through the worst moment of her life. “Aline, I’m so sorry.”

“They trampled her,” Aline said brokenly, words barely decipherable through her tears. “After he shot her they just trampled her like she meant nothing. People were running everywhere and screaming and now Helen is dead. He killed Helen.” She went silent again, as if those words were the last ones she’d ever speak. Magnus sat on the floor next to her, knowing he could do nothing but not able to leave her either. Aline was like a sister to Alexander, they were that close. At the thought of Alec his tears came again as his heart broke further. He took Aline in his arms, careful not to touch Helen. He knew that Aline didn’t want a single person touching her girlfriend besides her. 

The minutes ticked by with the silence only broken by a shot here and there and a scream. It had been less than an hour since Magnus had gone outside for some air. In less than an hour his world had changed forever and he’d cried more than he ever had. Sirens sounded outside and while that should have given Magnus hope that this nightmare would be over soon, he felt empty inside at the fact that they were too late. Alec was gone, and so was so many others. The guy was a dead on shot and had killed so many people in so little time. Aline looked ready to pass out as she absently pet Helen’s hair, the tears gone now. The silence was killing Magnus and he needed something to fill it before it suffocated him. 

“Magnus!” His heart seemed like it started to beat again in a way he could feel it as Tessa ran over to him. She collapsed on top of him practically as he hugged him so tightly he could hardly breathe. He held her to him and tried not to let her feel him shaking. 

“No!” The cry came from Simon, who had been at the back of the group. His face lost all color as he ran to his two best friends. Magnus couldn’t take any more grief, not right now. He got to his feet with Tessa and felt himself sway before Will was at his side. Magnus didn’t know what to feel anymore. He didn’t know how much more sadness he could handle, and how much more grief. He was covered in Alec’s blood and he wanted to go home. 

“Why did you guys come out here?” Magnus asked frantically. Distantly doors were opening and he heard officials moving in, their footfalls loud and heavy in the deathly silence. “He could come back out here! I bet he’s heard us by now and-”

“Shh Magnus,” Jem said softly with a hand to his neck gently. Magnus jumped, not realizing he had come on his other side to support him. “Magnus, the shooter is dead. He killed himself when the sirens started.”

“What?” Magnus choked out, shock careening through his system yet again. “He did all of this, caused all of this, and then he went and killed himself? This didn’t even have a goddamn purpose?” The tears were back yet again and if it wasn’t for Will having his back he’d be right back down on the floor again. Even with his three best friends in the world hugging him all Magnus could see was Simon and Aline grieving over their dead friend and all he could feel was the horror and pain that came with seeing Alec fall to the floor. 

“We need to get out of here,” Tessa said after a moment. “I really need to get out of here, right now.”

“Let’s go Magnus,” Will said, his voice low and tight. Magnus saw him cling to Jem’s hand and felt distantly glad that at least those two had come to their senses. He let his friends lead him out of the school slowly. He was glad to see Alec’s body was gone now, and at the same time he felt like he had lost everything all over again. There was no strength in him left to cry though so he stayed silent until they got outside to the mass of people. There were five ambulances with their lights blaring along with a dozen police cars covering the lot and part of the street. There was a firetruck at one end of the lot and press vans here and there as well. Parents screamed the names of their kids as they tried to fight past the officials. It was complete chaos everywhere Magnus looked. He had no idea how they were about to get out of here since their limo wasn’t due to come back for hours yet. 

The people closing in was making it hard for Magnus to breathe. He hated crowds under ordinary circumstances, but after all he had went through tonight he couldn’t handle this too. He was close to having a panic attack right now, and he was honestly surprised it hadn’t come before now. The adrenaline was leaving his system leaving him feeling weak and faintly sick. He broke Will’s hold and tried to get away for just a second, but no matter which way he looked people were covering the lawn and the huge lot. He couldn’t escape any which way and he sank down to the lawn trying desperately to catch his breath. The tears were back in his fear and panic which didn’t help his current problem. He wanted Alec, and he couldn’t have him, and would possibly never again have him. 

The force of his crying made him start to gag and retch on the pavement. People started to stop and press in to see if he was alright, unknowingly making it worse. 

“Give him room!” A voice hollered and Magnus felt slightly better when the people backed up. “Back the fuck up!” 

“Help,” Magnus whimpered, wanting his body to stop freaking out right now when he was already so, so tired. He felt hands touch his back and he nearly fell over in his attempt to get the hell away.

“Magnus, it’s Raphael,” A voice said close to his face. Magnus only had to look up slightly to verify the truth of his words. He wasted no time in launching himself into the only arms he had learned to trust. He silently clung to his mentor and tried to block out the horror for just a minute. He heard Raphael trying to calm him down into his ear softly, but it was only doing so much. 

“I’ve got blood on you,” Magnus said after a few moments of getting himself together just a bit. “I...I was covered in it. F-from A-Alec.”

“Magnus, you are going into shock very quickly,” Raphael pointed out to him calmly as he could. He took off the jacket he had brought to wrap it around Magnus tightly as well as his arms. “It’s okay now. You’re safe. I need you to keep repeating that to yourself while we get out of here. I’ve got you.”

Magnus nodded and silently surveyed the scene, not freaking out with Raphael with him. He had no idea why his therapist was here, or how he’d even known about all of this, but he was so glad he was. They stood together watching the school clear out and people being loaded into ambulances or finding their loved ones. He saw Aline being led out by a police officer, walking beside a gourney that undoubtedly carried Helen. Simon trailed behind them looking completely lost and alone. Magnus turned to bury his face in Raphael’s chest to avoid looking at any more of it. He couldn’t take any more grief or pain. Raphael cupped the back of his head gently and stroked his hair softly. 

“Dear God, this place is madness,” A new voice said next to them. Raphael shifted, but Magnus clung to keep him close. Raphael stroked his back to assure him even as one arm dropped its hold. 

“Did you find Max and Alec?” Raphael demanded. Magnus had to lift his head at hearing Alec’s name. He saw a tall man with blonde hair with a wide build towering above them both. His jaw was tight with tension, and then Magnus spotted Raphael gripping his hand. This must be the boyfriend he’d heard about countless times before. How did he know Alec? He knew it wasn’t Alec’s dad, so who was he?

“Alec got shot, but he’s alive,” The man’s voice was a bit shaky and weak with relief. “Max went in an ambulance with him. I want him looked over and probably treated for shock.” 

“Alec is alive?” Magnus asked, hope filling him and making his knees feel a bit weak yet again. “Did you say Alec is alive?” 

“Oh shit,” Raphael swore, seeming to piece together they were talking about the same Alec Magnus was absolutely crazy about. “I’m sorry Magnus, you shouldn’t have had to find out like-”

“I already knew,” Magnus interrupted him. “I-I was right there,” He swallowed hard and tried not to let his mind go into too much detail with that. 

“He’s alive,” The tall man confirmed, seemingly glad to give him good news. “The paramedics said he was stable when they took him.”

“Oh thank God,” Magnus said as he sank back into Raphael in relief. “I need to see him.” There was no question in his mind where Magnus had to be. “We have to go see him and we have to bring Simon with us.” He knew that right now Simon really needed some good news. 

“Uncle Mike,” The call came barely heard above the din of the crowd. Over Raphael’s shoulder Magnus could see a head of blonde hair, Alec’s best friend Jace. Magnus had never had a conversation with the guy, but the lost look on his face made him start to feel faintly sick again. 

“Jace, I’m so glad you’re alright,” Mike said, some of the tension in his jaw easing. Magnus’s chest ached with the lingering anxiety from the crowd still around them. He really wanted to go see Alec, and then he might just feel a tiny bit better. He needed to kiss him stupid, and then slap him for being a heroic idiot. He was damn lucky that he wasn’t killed by that maniac. 

“Clary got shot,” Jace looked more unstable the more you looked at him. His eyes couldn’t focus on anything and his hands were shaking. “Alec and Clary both got shot and-and so many people are dead.”

“Let’s get to the hospital,” Mike said as he put an arm to guide Jace forwards. He glanced towards Raphael. “I know you’re about to say we should take them home, but I think it’ll help to let them see Alec alive. Jace won’t sleep until he knows about Clary anyways.” 

“Alright,” Raphael conceded, though he looked unhappy about it. “We need to keep them all warm at least so they don’t go into shock.” Magnus saw that Simon was holding Aline as they leaned against the side of the schoo. He was reluctant to leave Raphael, but he knew he had to bring those two with them. They had to see Alec alive for themselves, especially after losing Helen tonight. Magnus had only met Helen once, but she had seemed like a wonderful person. She was happy and in love with her girlfriend. He remembered seeing her laughing and dancing with Aline as the band played. She had always been the mediator between everyone when bickering broke out. Her life never should have been lost so soon, and not like this. 

“Hey,” Magnus said quietly as he approached the two. “We’re heading up to the hospital to see Alec. He’s pulling through. You want to come?” 

Neither of them seemed able to say anything, but they followed Magnus silently over to the SUV Mike apparently drove. They all piled in and made their way out of the parking lot. Magnus glanced back at the school as they drove away and wondered how he could ever go back there, how any of them ever could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so if you didn't want to read because violent stuff upsets you then here is a summary. After Malec has their adorable moment on the lawn shots start breaking out. A shooter got into the school and lots of people got hurt. Alec gets shot, but he is okay by the end of the chapter. Clary also gets shot and her condition is largely unknown for now. Helen is killed and Aline is devastated. Will and Jem have put their differences aside for now and are supporting each other through this. Magnus is fine physically, but mentally he's a bit broken.
> 
> So now to deal with the after shocks and grief and turmoil to come!
> 
> Stay tuned and please comment with any thoughts you may have!!! Thanks guys so much for reading!!!!! You are the best!!!!!!!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well.....um.... I've had this chapter done for....ever? I seriously finished this chapter last month and somehow just never posted it? I am so sorry guys, but as a bonus you get two chapters!!! I can't say they're terribly happy, but healing is painful and that's what this part of the story is about. Healing and how that healing brings you to people. I have no beta for this story and my editing skills kinda suck mostly so any big errors just tell me pretty please. Thank you guys SO MUCH for reading. I hope you guys enjoyed any holidays you celebrate and had good food and time with family. Love my readers so much and I'm so grateful you read and enjoy my things or else I would have never had this hobby I love. 
> 
> As always, Happy Reading :)

Isabelle knew that waking up to pounding on your door was never a good thing. However, when she saw Simon’s pale face and shaking hands she knew somehow that this night was going to change her life forever. She let him stand there gaping for a few minutes before she had to start demanding answers as she yanked him inside. 

“Simon,” Izzy said sharply. “Simon, tell me what’s going on! What the hell are you even doing here?”

“Iz,” Simon said weakly, tears pooling in his brown eyes. She grew more alarmed as the first tear fell down his paler than usual cheek. Simon rarely cried, even as emotional of a person as he was. She had known him most of her life and could count on one hand the number of times she had seen his tears. “Iz, it’s Alec.”

Her world stopped completely. 

Simon was here at her door looking like the world had ended and the only thing he had said so far was Alec’s name. Her big brother, the sole person who had gotten her through the past two years. The only person she truly believed loved her to the moon and back. She trusted Alec with her heart and soul. Nothing could happen to Alec or she would fall completely apart. Alec was her world. Her big brother hung the fucking stars in the sky as far as she was concerned. He had taken care of their family when their parents couldn’t be bothered. She could never imagine doing what he did on a day to day basis. He was the glue holding the Lightwood family together by it’s very fragile edges. 

“What happened to Alec?” Isabelle asked, her tongue feeling heavy in her mouth. She was terrified to ask, but at the same time she knew she had to know. If Alec was gone, then she had to hear it now. 

“Alec got shot,” Simon got out in a whisper. “So many people got shot. So many people…” 

“Shot?” She repeated, not believing what she was hearing. Who would even have a gun? They were all at homecoming and it had turned into a fucking disaster. She felt light headed even as she was trying to process what all of this meant. “Is Alec alive, Simon?”

“Y-yeah,” Simon swiped at his eyes hurriedly. “I-I didn’t mean to come here and fall apart. Now that Aline is taken care of I just… I can’t even…”

“Oh Simon,” Isabelle said softly as she pulled him into a hug. Whatever the hell had happened Simon had lived through it. He had had to witness whatever had happened at her school tonight. She stroked his hair softly as he tried his best not to cry. “Simon, I’m so sorry. It’s gonna be okay.” She had no idea what to say right now without even having all the pieces of the picture, but hearing himi stifling sobs made her heart hurt like someone was stabbing it repeatedly. 

“We need to go,” SImon said, even as he held her tighter. “Alec got taken downtown to the hospital. Your uncle is already there with Jace and Max. I think Max sprained his wrist or something. It was so chaotic. I’m sorry I-”

“Simon, it’s okay,” She assured him, feeling a sense of relief at doing the holding instead of being the one held together. 

“You don’t want this,” He got out, voice a tad stronger but still sounding so broken. “I need to not-”

“Not right now Simon,” Guilt poured through her that he felt bad clinging onto her at a time like this. “Right now you can take what you need.” 

He pulled back to look at her deeply for a long moment before he swept in to press his lips to hers. She inhaled sharply in surprise, but her body responded before her mind could try to protest. His mouth was warm and demanding as he pressed her to the wall. His hands were desperately grabbing at any piece of her they could reach. Running over her sides and thighs as they kissed without abandon. She moaned at the familiar, wonderful feeling as his tongue traced her lips. She knew she was too broken for him, but right now he made her feel whole. He made it feel like the last two years had never happened. LIke her mom had never left for California and left them to fall apart back in New York. He made her feel like she was enough in this moment. 

They broke apart for air after what felt like what could have been hours, but was only minutes. His chest heaved as he looked at her deeply. His brown eyes bore into her matching ones and even through the grief in his eyes she saw passion. She saw his raw adoration of her. The adoration she didn’t deserve. The adoration that made her skin crawl when she thought of the ways she had marked it and how she was treating her body. If he knew….he would stop it all. He would demand she stop, and that was the one thing she couldn’t do. This was why she had pushed him away until she was okay again. He deserved someone okay. Someone who wouldn’t put that look back in his eyes. 

“We need to go,” She repeated his earlier statement, her racing heart not slowing down one bit. She nearly whimpered as his large, warm hands left her skin. He took a step back with his cheeks flushed and biting his lip. She led the way to the door and felt him grip her hand, his own still shaking. If it was from whatever happened tonight or from the moment they had just shared was unclear. 

The ride to the hospital was mostly quiet, Izzy at the wheel. Simon was in no state to drive, and how he had gotten to her house was a mystery. He told her enough that she could put together pieces. A shooter had gotten into the school in the middle of the dance, and it had been awful. Lots of people were hurt, including both her brothers and Clary Fray. She was torn between being beyond grateful she had stayed home, and then feeling guilty she wasn’t there to do….she wasn’t sure what. 

The hospital was a zoo with families wanting to see their teens. Every TV in the place was playing the same story of the shooting. Police were still around answering questions and taking statements from uninjured students. It was a zoo to find where Mike and the rest of the group had went to. Alec was obviously no longer in the emergency room by this point. When Isabelle saw that her family wasn’t in the zoo of a waiting room she figured they had gone upstairs. Simon hadn’t let go of her hand and she was glad as evidence of this tragic disaster was in front of her eyes. Someone had broken into a place she had always felt was safe and destroyed so many lives. 

The reality didn’t hit her until she saw Jace curled up in a chair with Michael’s arm around him tightly. He was pale as a sheet and had blood on his shirt that likely wasn’t his. She had never seen him look so small in all the time she had known him. Even when he had let her and Alec in on some of the horrors from his past he had looked larger than life. Her uncle was holding the hand of a man she had never met, but must be his elusive boyfriend none of them had met just yet. On his other side was Magnus Bane, the boy always in flawless outfits who had fallen for her brother. He looked torn apart. His eyes were raw looking even as tears still slipped down his cheeks. He was holding onto her uncle’s boyfriend’s hand like it was his only lifeline. He had a coat around his shoulders, but he was still shaking. 

“Aline,” Simon said softly as he let go of her hand to trail over to their right. Iz followed his gaze to see Aline Penhallow sitting in a chair staring out into nothing. The rest of the group looked battered and beaten, but this girl looked completely broken. Her eyes were what alarmed Isabelle the most. They looked dead inside as they stared at absolutely nothing. She had no response as Simon sat next to her and gave her his jacket. She had butted heads with Aline many times, but now she just wanted back the feisty girl that was nearly as close to Alec as she was.

“Hey Izzy,” MIke’s deep voice snapped her attention to her family sitting in front of her. “Do you know what’s happened?”

“Yeah,” She said numbly. She knew the facts, but she had no idea how they were all supposed to make it through the afternath in one piece. It wasn’t sinking into her brain what this meant. 

“Isabelle,” Jace croaked out, his eyes lighting up a tad as he saw her. She felt her own tears prick the back of her eyes only imagining what he must be going through. Alec was his rock as much as hers, and if Clary was hurt too he must be a complete mess. She had heard him say often since Robert had emotionally checked out that he was fine if he had Clary That redhead was all her brother needed to be okay, and now that girl’s life was in the balance. 

“Hey Jace,” She said softly as he switched positions to curl into her side instead. Mike gave her a tight smile, his eyes asking if she was alright. She mustered up a grin back to not have him worry, but the truth was she didn’t know the answer to his question yet. 

The silence was deafening as the hours slowly crept by as they waited for any news on the ones they loved. Max had finally been released with his wrist in a splint. He had sprained it falling in the melee. He sat at Mike’s feet with their uncle running a hand through the younger boy’s hair. Magnus had fallen asleep on the man’s shoulder from sheer exhaustion. 

A doctor approached them, still fully dressed in scrubs and the surgical cap and shoe covers. Izzy’s stomach lurched at the tiny splatter of blood she could see by his hips. He looked exhausted and she could only hope he had some kind of good news. 

“Family of Alec Lightwood?” At the doctor’s call all eight of them stood up to approach the poor man who looked overwhelmed at the number of people he had to address. “Okay well Mr. Lightwood made it through surgery clean. The bullet was extracted entirely, which is good. He’s in recovery right now waking up. He’ll have a while to be in here to rest and to recover safely. It was touch and go for a bit, but his wound wasn’t fatal since we got him here in time. He’ll have to have therapy to get his muscle strength back, but we can probably have him home in a month.” 

“Thank God,” Mike muttered and Isabelle squeezed his hand. 

“We can let a few of you back here at a time,” The doctor continued with a small smile. “Don’t overwhelm him, but I’m sure he’ll be happy to see some friendly faces. He’s been through a lot.”

“Thank you for saving him,” Max said quietly, his arm clutched to his chest. 

“The pleasure was mine. It felt so good to save one.” The doctor seemed to realize he said the wrong thing as all of them took on a ashen expression. The gloom in the room was felt as Izzy gazed around at the other families still waiting on news, or the ones that were sitting stock still in shock from what they had heard. They were lucky, but so many weren’t tonight. 

“We’ll wait,” The man, Mike’s boyfriend, said softly. “Mike, go take his siblings back. We can see him in a bit.” 

Magnus looked like he wanted to protest, but he nodded reluctantly and sank back to his plastic chair. 

“Magnus can go,” Isabelle said, panic taking over her at the thought of going back there. She wasn’t ready to see her brother in that hospital bed. “Seriously, I need a minute.”

“Iz,” Jace said, confusion on his face. 

“Jace, I need a minute.” She pleaded silently for him to understand. “Go with Mike and see Alec.”

They disappeared, Mike, Jace, Alec, and Magnus. Izzy looked to see Simon and Aline back sitting together. Simon talking and Aline sitting silently. She wondered where Helen was, the four of them were hardly ever apart. Aline and Helen hadn’t been apart for years it felt like. Unless Helen was hurt somewhere?”

“Where is Helen at?” Isabelle asked quietly as she sat across from them. Simon’s words immediately died on his lips as he stared at her. Aline’s brown eyes looked at her directly for the first time tonight. She blinked a few times before a single tear formed and slid down her cheek. 

“She’s dead,” Aline said in a small voice. “Helen died, and Alec almost died. She died, she actually fucking died at eighteen years old.” She broke down in loud sobs for the first time since finding Helen’s body and collapsed into Simon’s arms. His eyes met hers and for one moment she tried to imagine how it would feel if Simon had died tonight. If Simon was taken from her so suddenly and before they could fill in all that was left unsaid between them. She wasn’t best friends with Helen, but the blonde had been someone that had been in her life for years. She was friends with Alec, in countless memories and group chats and just always there. It was hitting her fully how widespread this was. What it meant to have a dozen and a half teens dead by the hand of one man. How many groups of friends were sitting somewhere crying and struggling to understand the reality of how this could have happened. 

They were victims, all of them. Even if no bullet had pierced their skin, they were bearing just as much pain and their lives were broken. 

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Magnus had been cold for hours.

He couldn’t get warm since the moment he heard the gunshot ring out in the empty hallway. No matter how many jackets he put on or how tightly he curled his body he still felt the penetrating cold. It could be shock, or the draft of the hospital hallways. Raphael had given him a shirt to change into so he didn’t look quite so bad. He had never seen his therapist outside like this. They hadn’t always met in his office, but they had only ever spoken during a session. He wasn’t used to seeing Raphael worried or scared. He felt like he was invading by seeing Raphael hold Mike’s hand. This whole night was off kilter. The ER had been worse than waiting. People were screaming and crying everywhere. Bundles of students and nagging parents were around trying to see when doctors pushed them out to work. Blood was on the floor in more than one room, including the one they had taken Alec into. Magnus had thought for sure he would die, seeing all that blood. 

But he had been wrong. Alec was alive somehow, and he was going to be okay. He’d be in here for a while, but he would one day walk out again. Alec had saved his life, and now Magnus had to sort out how he felt about all of that. This boy had saved him on their second proper date. They had talked so much, and touched so little. Magnus had seen him on stage living his passion, and he had seen him curled up during a panic attack in his car. Their friends were slowly mingling together. They were growing to be so close, but they still had such a long way to go. He had no idea if he could return the favor. He would have liked to say he would, but now that he had been put in mortal danger it was harder to measure. He had been shaking too hard to stand up, let alone jump in front of a gun. There was so much Alec didn’t know or understand beyond the surface. Alec was getting in so deep, and Magnus felt like he was still on the surface. 

He hung back by the wall as his family crowded around his bed. His uncle had one hand while Jace held the other. Alec hadn’t woken up yet, but the doctor kept telling them he would. Magnus just kept his gaze on his eyes, praying that they would open to show the blue Magnus loved. His eyes were so calming all the time. Though the last time had been when they had been huddled in the doorway, terrified out of their minds. Had tonight ruined the innocence Magnus loved about their...whatever it was they had? 

Alec moaned softly as his throat worked to swallow and his eyes fluttered open. The second his eyes opened and locked on him Magnus felt his knees go weak. The relief was like nothing he had ever known. This was relief so sharp he felt it in his heart and soul. He felt himself smile a bit but the moment was over like a flash before the pain must have hit Alec like a tidal wave as the other boy’s face contorted and he cried out. 

Magnus’s mind flashed back to the floor of that hallway once again and he fought to keep his stomach calm. Alec was safe now, and mostly alright. He was going to heal, and with healing came the worst of the pain. Magnus knew that all too well. 

“Dad…” The word was muffled by the oxygen mask he wore, but it was clear enough that nobody could mistake it from anything else. “Dad!” All the faces in the room fell at Alec’s helpless cry. 

 

Speaking of, where was Robert Lightwood? Magnus knew their relationship being rocky was an understatement, but this was life and death. Surely this was an exception to Robert’s cold shoulder?

Mike was trying to calm and shush his distressed nephew as best he could. Alec seemed to calm down after a few moments and realize who was really with him and where he was. Magnus wanted to be there for him, the way he had been in the parking lot the night of their first kiss. He wanted to hold him, but not in front of these people. 

“Where the fuck is he?” Jace asked lowly, his voice filled with rage. He looked livid and he could only be talking about the man who should have been here before anyone else.

“He’s not answering me,” Mike answered quietly. Alec seemed upset that his father wasn’t here, his most basic needs coming out when he was so vulnerable. Magnus could understand that too well. He still cried for his mother in the midst of a nightmare sometimes. It was something that never truly went away no matter how long they were gone. 

“How is he not here?” Jace raged. “His son almost dies and he’s literally nowhere to be found?!”

“Jace, watch your tone. Don’t upset him,” Mike said sternly as he could while keeping his voice low. “I know he should be here. I know that Jace, and I don’t understand either. I’ve called him several times and texted him. I even sent him an email on the off chance he’d read that.”

“You still think they should cultivate a relationship?” Jace asked scathingly. Mike sighed and opened his mouth to reply when Max interrupted them with a cry full of joy.

“Dad!” No matter how angry Max had been over the weeks, a tragedy seemed to put things in clearer perspective. Jace’s expression didn’t change as he glared at the man approaching. He was tall and intimidating, even in jeans and a button up shirt. He looked annoyed more than anything that he was here. The youngest Lightwood stood up and was about to embrace his father, but seemed to think better of it. 

“What in the hell happened?” Robert asked, his cold, steely blue eyes sweeping over the room. Magnus swallowed hard and felt inexplicably nervous and out of place. He reminded Magnus of his step-father, and that hadn’t ended well at all. If Robert was even half as awful, then Magnus had a new appreciation for the kind of man Alec was. 

“I’ll talk to you outside,” MIke said, voice still low, but now furious. “Jace stay here with Alec. I’ll send Izzy in.” Mike bodily forced Robert out of the room and shoved him a good fifty feet from the room. Magnus slipped out behind them and was about to head back to Raphael’s side, but the raised voices made him freeze. 

“How did it take you six hours to show up?” Mike asked, seething. He stood facing Robert, who was leaning against the wall. Robert looked much more relaxed than Magnus would be facing that kind of rage. “How did it possibly take you that long when I sent you a message telling you that your son could very well be dying?!”

“I was in the middle of something,” Robert said calmly. “If he died Michael, then what was I supposed to do about it? I couldn’t save him. I”m here.”

“Do you know who the hell he asked for?” MIke asked him. “Do you have any idea who the first person he wanted here could be?”

“I know who it isn’t,” Robert muttered. Magnus knew he should leave, but something about this made him stay. He was too afraid of being caught if he moved. 

“He wanted you, Robert. He wanted nobody but you when he opened his eyes. Once again you weren’t there.” MIke balled his hands into fists and started to pace. “I get that you’re going through a lot with Maryse these last few years. I know that she broke your heart, even after you broke hers first. I know divorce is painful and fucking messy, but this is too far Rob. I know you get caught up too much in work, and you can’t be bothered to make dinner or be there for practices, but he almost died Robert. Your son nearly died, and I somehow care more than you do.” 

“Alec has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me,” Robert said stiffly. “My job is to make sure they’re alive with money for their needs. They are nearly adults, not snivelling babies.”

“Alec has never wanted to give up on you,” Mike shook his head “Alec wanted one second of your time, or your approval. He has weeks of recovery ahead of him, and months before he’s himself again. You need to get rid of whatever blonde caught you this week and be there for them. They all faced death in the face and they’re terrified and devastated. Jace’s girl is in the ICU, barely alive. Isabelle is hardly okay with all this and Alec’s friend is dead. He had no idea half of what’s even happened tonight. They need you now, and I’m not their father. I can’t do what you can for them.”

The hall was silent for a long time after Mike’s speech. Magnus took two steps before he heard something that made his heart drop to his feet and disbelief fill him again. 

“No,” Robert Lightwood said, his voice calm, but defeated instead of defensive. “You think I’m the one they need, but I’m not. I can’t do….I can’t be that. Not for Alec, not for any of them. All I see is her when I look at them. Isabelle has he fire, and Max her eyes. Alec….that boy is the spitting image of her besides my eyes. I tried to do it Mike, for a while.”

“No isn’t an option here,” Mike was as shocked as Magnus was. “You don’t get to say no here. You have kids, whether you like it or not. Maryse left them, and so it’s down to you.”

“I’ve only hurt them, for years,” Robert shifted his coat to better sit on his shoulders. “I can’t do this Michael, and I won’t.”

“We’ll do it together,” Mike said, softening his tone just a little. “I’ll be there with you, and we can get your kids through this. When you’re with Alec I can handle the rest, or vice versa. It will work out.”

“Do you not understand that when I saw Alec just now, in that hospital bed with tubes running every which way I felt nothing? I didn’t rush here because I just….didn’t want to. I feel nothing for those kids Mike, and I haven’t for a while. I’m done,” Robert turned and started to walk towards the double doors. Michael was shouting after him as loudly as he could, fury turning to horror and turning to deep sadness. Magnus felt chills run up his arms and somehow even though he’d only just met him, he even knew that Robert was leaving in a different way than ever before. 

MBALMBALMBAL

Izzy watched her father walk briskly past the waiting room far too soon after he had arrived. She paused for only a moment before following him. Logically he could be doing anything right now. He could be going to find a doctor, or getting a coffee or even going to call their mother, but somehow she knew that he was leaving. He was leaving and it felt different. The panic in her chest said that it was different. She hadn’t seen him all week, and she could honestly say she hadn’t missed him one bit. It made no sense that she was running after him like she was about to make some kind of difference. She shouldn’t care like this, not anymore. Long ago Robert had bowed out of her life, but leaving entirely was different. 

“Where the hell are you going?” She screamed as soon as they were both outside the hospital doors. The media was gone and the parking lot finally dark and quiet besides the hum of a few overhead orange lights. 

“I’m leaving Isabelle,” Her father slowly turned to face her, a sense of calm over him that she hadn’t seen in years. “It’s better for everyone. You’re getting what you want.”

“What I want?” She repeated, blown away by his calm. She felt more angry than she had ever been at him before. She had ranted so many times over the years to her brothers about their father. She hated that he ignored them. She hated that he had a different girl in his room twice a week. She hated that he had hurt their mother. She hated more than he kept hurting Alec. Deep in her heart she knew she never hated him, not really. “As usual Dad, you have no idea what I fucking want.”

“You and your siblings-”

“Don’t you dare do your usual act and act like we asked for this,” She cut him off before the familiar speech could start. “I wanted you with us. I wanted you to take me to cheerleading and to be at my games. I wanted you home to cook dinner instead of making Alec do it before ripping him apart for whatever he’d done. We wanted you to act your age and be there for the family that you had. That is what we fucking wanted, and what Alec still wants. He wants Max to still have a dad, instead of being angry and alone when he doesn’t.”

“You should know by now you’re never going to have that,” He said softly, the softest tone he’d used with her in years. “I’m not that person Isabelle.”

“Don’t do this,” She tried to keep her voice strong, but after all she had seen tonight it broke pathetically. “You can’t leave. Alec….he almost died tonight. He needs help. Jace is falling apart in there. I…” Her throat got stuck in lieu of any words she had left. Rain started to fall gently in sputters and drops, fitting for this night. 

“You’ll be better for this,” He told her before starting to walk away once again. Any sadness was replaced with a rage so strong she swore she only saw red. 

“How fucking dare you?!” She screamed so loudly she felt her it vibrate through her body. “After every fucking thing you put us through! After hitting us and belittling us! After ignoring that we exist for a year you just leave! You’re a fucking piece of shit, you know that?! No wonder Mom left!” She picked up some loose rocks by her feet and started hurling them, praying they’d hit him somehow. “You are the worst human being in the entire world! You are lower than the guy that just came to shoot up a fucking school! You don’t care about anyone but yourself! I hate you! Do you hear me? You’re finally right, I hate you for this! You are fucking dead to me!” As she ended her tirade she could distantly hear his car door close. She was shaking as she watched the car back up and pull away. The tears started as soon as the tail lights turned the corner. 

“Isabelle,” Jace and Simon stood behind her as she turned to the voice. The sobs broke out as Jace came to hold her in his arms. She knew she wasn’t feeling even half of what this meant yet, even if that half felt like it was tearing her apart. 

“He’s gone,” She told Jace as she huddled herself inside his leather jacket. She couldn’t see anything clearly through the rain and her tears, but she felt a set of hands on her back and she knew it was Simon. HIs hands were the only ones that could make that heat course through her. “He’s not coming back this time. He left us, now of all times. He just left without looking back. That’s how much we mean to him.” 

“I’m so sorry,” Jace said softly to her. His large hand was stroking her hair gently and it felt mildly comforting. “He’s rotten Izzy, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry he’s hurt you for so long. You deserve so much better. “

“You aren’t alone,” Simon said, tugging them under the cover of the overhang. “You have your uncle and you have us. You have me.” She met his eyes for only a moment before she had to look quickly away. The memory of their kiss was still fresh in her mind, no matter the horror she’d seen tonight. If she let her mind wander she could still feel his touch all over her. The way his hands made her every nerve come alive and how when he held her it felt like nothing could break through to hurt her. Simon was the one person she knew could help her through this, but she had to keep him at arm’s length, to save them both from getting their hearts broken. 

Her arm betrayed her by reaching out to hold Simon’s cold hand. “I know,” She turned to Jace. “Is Alec awake yet?”

“He asked for Robert,” Jace said grimly. “The second his eyes are open he was crying out for him. How the hell are we ever going to tell him that Robert left? I’ve never seen someone so loyal to their father. I know what he’s said, but he loves that son of a bitch underneath it all. He’s lost one of his best friends, and his father all in one night. He’s stuck in this place for weeks on top of that, nothing but his thoughts for company. “ Jace shook his head. “That bastard left, and yet we have to be the ones that breaks his heart.”

“We probably are better off,” She was trying to convince them as well as herself. “MIke will help us, he always has. We’ve been doing this alone for ages anyways.” She wiped the last tears from her cheeks. She took the coat Jace offered her, not ready to go in yet. Jace squeezed her shoulder before going to the other side of the hospital to check on Clary. Simon stood behind her, her back barely brushing his front. 

“I don’t know why you are pushing me away,” Simon said softly. “I don’t know why you’re making yourself so skinny. I don’t know if you guys are all going to come out of this okay. The only thing I do know is that I love you Isabelle Lightwood. That’s literally the only thing I’m sure of right now. I know that I need you, and I probably shouldn’t as much as I do. One of my best friends died tonight, a girl I’ve spent every weekend with for the last three years. Despite that, all I can think about or worry about is you. You can push all you want Iz, but I”m not leaving.” He stood for a long moment with her before going back inside. She leaned against the large cement pillar, afraid to move. She was afraid of what else would fall out from under her if she took another step in any direction. She had a boy that was in love with her, a real and true kind of love, but she was too broken and too uncertain to accept it. How long could Simon possibly wait for her? 

How long before she lost everyone?


	12. Chapter 12

“Are we ready to go?” Jace asked as he fixed his tie one last time and headed out down the hall to Izzy’s room. His sister was staring into the mirror with her hair limp and her face plain. She wore a simple black dress dug from the back of her closet. 

“Alec should be coming,” She said quietly. “He was her best friend. He needs to be there.”

“Alec isn’t well enough to come. He’s barely able to stand up. He needs to get better,” Jace told her gently. He picked up the brush on her table and ran it through her long, silky hair. He brushed it a while before he finally pulled it up into a bun for her, fastening it securely and letting his hands drop to her shoulders. He kissed the top of her head and tried to give her a smile. “We’re going for him. We’re going to be there for Simon.”

“Yeah, for Simon,” Izzy echoed softly, her voice small and sad. It’d been a week since the shooting at Idris, and nobody was healed by a long shot. This was the first time Jace had been home during the day all week. He’d been obsessed with Clary, and making sure she was alright. He felt helpless as she laid in bed, unable to move her legs. She laid there and cried and raged and cried some more. She wanted to be here helping, but instead she was stuck in a bed. WIth Alec gone as well, Jace hated being here at Mike’s house. It wasn’t home, and it all felt so wrong. The world felt upside down, all of it. 

They were getting in Jace’s car when his phone rang with Mike’s number on the screen. He sighed and wanted to ignore it badly. MIke was worried about them, understandably so, but the Lightwoods were not used to coddling. Jace definitely hadn’t been coddled since he’d been a small child before his mother left. He saw Izzy gazing at his phone as well and offered it up.

“Should we answer it?” Jace asked, only a tad sarcastically.

“It’s nice he calls,” Izzy said as she pushed the phone toward him. “I don’t want him to stop calling too.”

Jace nearly flinched as she blatantly referenced Robert walking out on them a week ago. Alec didn’t yet know about Robert leaving because none of them had the stomach to tell him. Jace had told everyone to hold off until Alec was closer to coming home. Alec put up a lot of fronts, his most recent one being that he had truly stopped caring about his father. He knew Alec better than that, and he knew what Alec was facing. He knew how complicated it was to love and hate someone at the same time. He knew Alec loved Robert, and he didn’t blame him. He would always love his own father, even after the abuse he’d suffered through. He swiped the green phone icon and got ready to tell MIke that they were fine going to the funeral alone. They were fine, though that was a very loose term. “Hey Mike.”

“Jace,” MIke said a little out of breath. “I know you guys are getting ready for the funeral, but I need you to come help me. I need your help with Alec. He won’t calm down and they want to sedate him, but I think that’s a terrible idea. He’s upset he can’t go to the funeral and coupled with his exhaustion and everything else happening. He’s nearly hysterical and Jace, you’re his best friend. If anyone can get him calm, it’s you.”

“You got it,” Jace said crisply, the funeral for Helen the farthest thing from his mind. “I”ll be there as soon as I can. Do not let them sedate him. I’ll be there.”

“What’s wrong?” Izzy demanded as soon as the phone left his ear. “Was that about Alec?”

 

“You need to be at this funeral,” Jace told her firmly. “Simon needs you there the same way Alec needs me at the hospital. Alec is fine, he’s just incredibly upset on no sleep and on a lot of painkillers. He would never want you to see him like this.”

“If my brother is upset-”

“Then you need to let me help him,” Jace told her softly. “Iz, this hell is not close to being over yet. Alec is going to be upset plenty from here on out. Right now Simon needs you and he is your best friend, no matter if you want to admit that or not. Go be there for Simon since Alec can’t be. He wants to be there for SImon and Aline more than anything right now. Do that for him. Go help Simon hold Aline together and then come see Alec.”

“Fine, yeah I’ll go,” Izzy folded her arms and stared out the window silently as Jace pulled away from the apartment. It was hard living with five people falling apart all at the same time. Mike was trying to take care of them all and cope with losing his best friend of more than ten years. Isabelle was trying to wrap her head around all that had happened, losing a few on her cheerleadng squad. She had to deal with her father leaving her for good, and that was killing her. Jace hadn’t forgotten what Alec and him had decided just before homecoming, but at the moment there was nothing he could do. He had to get his feet back under him before he could try to fix one more thing. Max was back to being incredibly angry at everything and having nightmares every night about homecoming night. He was so young to see any of this, and it was no wonder he was lashing out. Their house was the opposite of peace and quiet. 

He dropped Isabelle off at the funeral and paused for a moment as he saw Simon sitting outside with his head in his hands. He was incredibly glad he still had Clary and Alec with him. They were both gravely injured, but he had them. As angry at the world as Clary was, she was always there to hold him when things became too much. Alec would soon be back to being in charge and holding things together again. Those two were the only way he kept going. Simon had lost one of his rocks while one was too far gone to reach right now and the other was stuck in a hospital bed. Jace had wanted to go to the funeral, but Alec mattered more. 

He parked in his usual spot in the corner of the lot and swiftly headed up to Alec’s floor without hesitation. He knew the way without thinking about it by now. As soon as the elevator doors opened with a small ping he heard Alec’s distress. It wasn’t that he’d heard it very often in the eight years they’d been best friends, it was just that Jace would never forget the way it always made his heart break into pieces. Alec didn’t cry often, at least never in front of anyone else. He never let himself lose control like that. When Robert was home it wasn’t safe to show that kind of weakness. Alec wanted to be strong for them always, but the last week had proven to be too much. Jace didn’t blame him in the slightest. Alec had nearly died this week, and now he’d lost Helen in it all. Jace shuddered to think if it’d been Aline or Simon instead. 

“I’m sorry,” Mike apologized at once as he saw Jace striding quickly down the hallways. His face looked drawn at the edges and his blue eyes were tinged with worry. “I’m sorry I called you, but I thought it might be best if you were here. He was okay this morning, but the closer it got the more he came undone. I should be able to handle it, but he won’t even hear me.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Jace told him with a hand on his arm. “I’m glad you called. I’m glad you care enough to be here and to call. I’m serious when I tell you we really don’t have high expectations. Go get a coffee and a sandwich. I’ve got Alec this time.”

“Thank you,” Mike said sincerely with a side hug. Jace grinned at him briefly before steeling himself to enter that hospital room and be the strong one with all the answers. 

Alec was sitting in bed, too weak to actually move like he normally would be. His face was red and his hair was sticking out every which way. His hospital gown was hanging off one shoulder as hiccuping sobs escaped him. He looked miserable and so devastated. Jace shrugged off his coat and flung it over a chair before climbing in next to Alec on the bed. He took Alec’s large frame in his hands and pulled Alec to him in a hug. Alec came alive a bit as he realized Jace was here and he fisted a hand in his shirt. 

“I need to be there,” Alec said brokenly around his tears. “I need to say goodbye to her. She died and I didn’t get to do anything to help. I need to tell her I’m sorry. Jace, please, I need to.”

“She knows bud,” Jace told him gently as he rocked him slowly the way his mom used to when he was small. “She knows you loved her. You need to calm down Alec, please. You’re making yourself sick this way. You’re too sick to be this worked up.”

“They won’t let me go,” Alec said around a shuddering sigh. “I can’t be with Aline. She’s falling apart right now.”

“They can come by after,” Jace told him. “Alec, take a deep breath with me okay? We need to get you breathing better. I bet your chest hurts, yeah?”

Alec nodded and Jace could see he was honestly trying his best to calm down, but the tears wouldn’t stop coming. He could see the dark circles Alec had under his eyes, evidence that he’d been sleeping even worse than they had been at home. Alec was exhausted and missing this funeral was one thing too much for him to handle. Jace wished he could make Alec well enough to go, but then again what good did a funeral really do? He held Alec long enough for him to fall asleep naturally. In any other universe Alec would have his parents here with him, but in this universe all he had was Jace. 

Jace could only hope he could be enough. 

MBALMBALMBAL

Simon stood there with his shoulders tense and his head bowed. He looked so small and alone in this moment, the last moments he had to say goodbye. Simon was the one that always wore a grin on his face and was easy to please. He never dwelled on the bad things in life, no matter what. Isabelle could vaguely remember the day they had gone to Simon’s dad’s funeral eight years ago. It had been right after Jace had moved in and they had all gone to be with Simon. She didn’t remember Simon crying that day, not the way he had today. Maybe he’d been too young to really realize what saying goodbye meant. Or maybe Simon was crying today for more reasons than the girl in the coffin. 

Aline had been led away by her parents after the service was over. Once the casket was lowered into the ground people had dispersed quickly. Half the people here were under the age of thirty, and that seemed so, so wrong. Helen had been so sweet and so full of kindness. She was the kind of person that complimented you on your sweater or your hair and you never doubted her intentions. She was the person that always wanted to really know how you were doing and didn’t use it as a greeting. She had loved to laugh, and Izzy could remember the countless nights Helen had spent giggling with Aline, Alec, and Simon in their basement. 

Simon was the only one left standing here until the last shovelful of dirt was placed over her grave. He wasn’t moving or making any kind of indication he was dying inside. He just stood there staring at the freshly laid dirt. 

“Alec wanted to be here, so much,” Isabelle said quietly as she came up behind Simon, yet keeping her distance. It should have felt weird standing here considering their passionate kiss only a week ago. Instead it felt like the most natural thing in the world. As Jace had pointed out, Simon Lewis was her best friend in the world besides her older brother. 

“Of course he did, I know that,” Simon said easily without thinking about it. “I’m going to go see him after….well after I leave.”

“Simon,” Izzy came closer to him, but not quite touching. 

“Iz,” Simon said quietly before blowing out a low breath and turning away from the grave site. Izzy sucked in a breath to see his red-rimmed eyes and his face littered with tear stains. He looked at her quietly for a long moment and as always it seemed as if he was looking so much deeper than the surface. “So, now that Helen is buried and school is opening again next week, are we going back to pretending that we don’t know each other?”  
“Simon, that’s not fair,” Isabelle protested, taking a step back on reflex.

“What isn’t fair is that I just lost my best friend,” Simon said in a hoarse voice as he gestured behind him. “And now I have to lose you all the fuck over again. I can’t keep having you in my life only for you to walk away when it gets too hard. That isn’t a relationship, hell that isn’t even friendship. I’m not here for you to use as your teddy bear when your life sucks.”

“That’s not what this is,” Izzy said, her voice breaking on the lie. “I need you Simon, I always need you. It’s just-”

“You keep pushing me away,” Simon finished with a defeated sigh. “This fucking sucks. All of it does, every damn minute since the school year started. I won’t even have Aline to kick my ass for moping over you anymore. Aline isn’t going to be Aline, not for a long time. I feel so alone, and you’re standing right in front of me.”

“You have Alec,” Isabelle reminded him, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. She felt awful doing this to him. She hated hurting him, but even if she was there the way he wanted her to be she’d end up hurting him anyways. 

“I’m not about to bug Alexander right now,” Simon said with a roll of his eyes. “Alec has been drowning for months and now he doesn’t even know his own father walked out on you guys. I know what losing a father is like, and I’m not about to whine about being lonely to a guy that has more than enough to deal with.” He started to walk away, back towards his car. She got a glimpse of his brown eyes as she felt her chest tighten. Why did she have to fuck this up so badly? Why did she have to push him so far away? If she could only stop feeling like she wasn’t good enough for one second, then maybe she could be enough for Simon. “Guess I’ll see you when the next big crisis crops up?” 

“You don’t get to be like this!” The words came out before she could stop them. He didn’t face her, but he did stop walking. It was something about a funeral, the way it was such a permanent ending. It made her feel a desperation not to have any more endings in her life, and especially not an ending with SImon. “You have no idea what I’m going through. Simon, if there was a way for me to be with you without tearing you apart I’d do it. You know I love you, you have to know that. It’s not good for you to be with me right now. I can’t be with you , I just can’t. “

“I just can’t isn’t a reason anymore,” Simon turned around to face her again, and Izzy really wished he wouldn’t have. “If I don’t get to be a tad bitter about this push and pull relationship you keep putting us in, then you sure as hell don’t get to tell me what is or isn’t good for me.” He ran a hand through his hair and his eyes were blazing as he stared at her. “You are good for me, Isabelle LIghtwood, and hell, even if you aren’t do you really think that matters? I know something is going on with you and I’ve known for months. I may not be able to fix whatever it is, but please don’t insult me and act like I don’t already know. You are too thin, I know that much. I’ve had my hands all over you. I’ve memorized the way you feel a long time ago.”  
“You can’t say anything,” Isabelle pleaded, knowing denial would be completely pointless. Of course Simon figured it out. He knew her better than anyone, and he was madly in love with her. “Everyone in my family is barely hanging on right now and you can’t say a word to them. Please Simon, please don’t say anything to Alec. This would destroy him right now and he needs to cope with everything else first. “

“Oh dear Lord,” Simon sad faintly, sitting down on the hood of his car. “Fuck Izzy, you aren’t eating? I mean...I thought...but I never actually knew. Why would you ever…? Iz, you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.”

“Simon, I know what you’re going to say and I need you not to say it,” She found herself shaking at the reality that Simon knew what she had been hiding for months now. “I have it under control. I’m not in any danger.”

“You don’t have a fucking eating disorder under your control,” Simon muttered, not looking at her. She knew he was disappointed and upset. She knew that hearing this wasn’t easy for him, but at the same time she felt so relieved that someone knew. That someone knew she wasn’t fine. Jace and Alec might have had clues, but solid knowledge was different than guessing. “How long has this been going on then? What are you punishing yourself for? This can’t make you feel good or healthy. You’re a cheerleader Iz, you must see this in your girls.”

“It’s not a punishment Simon,” Izzy said as she sat next to him on the hood. “I am a cheerleader, so I know a lot about fitness and nutrition. I’ve always been in top shape. When I tell you I have this under control I mean it. I know what my limits are.”

“You don’t think that everything happening right now might make you slip up? Our lives are a mess right now, and I don’t want anything to happen to you.” Simon laid a hand over hers gently and the care in his gaze made her heart ache. Maybe she was wrong about not being with him. Maybe even as messed up as her mind was she could let this beautiful boy love her. 

But maybe not.

“I need to go see Alec, maybe I’ll see you around there? Jace is there with him now. Mike said he was….not so great this morning.” She squeezed his hand gently before letting go and standing up.

“I’m sure Aline will want to go over either tonight or tomorrow. I’ll be there with her.” Simon replied, also standing. Before she could remember to keep her careful distance Simon had her in his arms, holding her like he held his guitar that was the last gift from dad. He held her like a rare and precious thing, if he held too tight she’d break or disappear. Before she could help herself, she inhaled deeply and was overwhelmed with the scent that brought her comfort. Simon’s smell had been in her mind for years now, and she remembered so many nights being held by him as they cuddled on the couch. Falling into a relationship with Simon had been easier than she ever imagined. He already knew and loved everything about her, so it was so easy to trust him with her heart. She was right to think he’d never hurt her, but even she could never see breaking her own heart over and over again. 

She let them linger that way for a long moment before she had to break away from Simon and walk away. The cold after she left his arms chilled her to the bone. 

MBALMBALMBAL

Magnus woke to a dark room, as usual. He had had no real concept of time since coming home from the hospital two weeks ago. His phone had died long ago and his friends weren’t here. Will’s parents had swept into town and they had taken Will with them to stay in some hotel until school started up again. He ate when forced to, and he had seen Ragnor and Catarina not so long ago. Raphael had called of course, and Magnus knew better than to ignore his calls. 

The darkness that seemed to be constantly on the edge of his mind had shrouded him. He hadn’t been sleeping unless his body had passed out from exhaustion. Even then he was woken by nightmares, dreams that left him screaming Alec’s name and sobbing for hours. He had watched Alec die so many times by now that he had trouble remembering that wasn’t reality. He knew he needed help, but he had no motivation to ask for it. This was the kind of darkness that had consumed his mother when he’d been young. She had known what he was discovering. This world was a dark and twisted place where nothing was fair and there were very few good people left. 

He groped for his bottle of water, disapointed to find it was empty. He hurled it across the room and was slightly satisfied at the light thump it made when it hit the wall. He would have preferred it to smash, but plastic really didn’t satisfy that. He had already broken a few empty vodka bottles before Ragnor had caught on that he was stealing alcohol and put a firm stop to it. His room was a true mess, but it could stay that way if it was up to him. It somewhat felt satisfying to have his room be how he felt inside. He felt wrung out and broken. 

Magnus jumped as his door creaked open, his heart pounding as his mind flashed to the dream where the shooter came back to finish him off. It was a ridiculous dream, but still a terrifying concept. His house should be empty since he was pretty sure it was sometime during the day. Ragnor and Catarina both had work and Magnus was the only one left living here right now. 

“Magnus,” The soft call of his name made his heart stop for only a moment before his entire body sagged and tears pricked his eyes. That voice made everything okay and he hadn’t heard it in what felt like years. Raphael Santiago showed up each and every time he felt like he was about to go careening off the edge. He was his mentor and almost like a father to him. If anyone could get him through this darkness it was Raphael. 

“Raphael?” Magnus croaked, almost afraid to believe he was finally here. He had debated begging his therapist to come over a half dozen times the last few days. He just knew Raphael was likely swamped in work right now. He was one of the best in the city and with the shooting a lot of people probably needed someone to talk to. 

The crunch of glass made him wince and he was grateful Raphael had worn shoes up here. He hadn’t so much as turned a light on the last few days. “Magnus, god Mags, why didn’t you call me?”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus apologized instantly. “I was going to, but then I figured you were busy with everything and I didn’t.”

The room burst into light as Raphael hit the switch. Magnus squinted and blinked a few times to get his vision focused again. Raphael stood there in his jeans with a shirt and jacket combo. He looked so refreshing and a little less haunted than everyone else he’d been with the last two weeks. His floor was truly a disaster, littered with clothes mixed with glass from the smashed bottles. He had wrappers from what little he’d eaten around his bed and various bottles of soda and water. It was truly an embarrassing mess, but Raphael ignored all of it as he took a few steps to reach the bed. He rested a hand on Magnus’s knee and looked him over closely. “Magnus, when are you going to get it through your head that I’m never too busy for you? If you call, I’m here. It’s really that simple.” Magnus nodded in reply as he looked at his knees. A hand softly brushed hair away from his face to cup his cheek softly. “I’m here, okay? I’m right here.”

“I’m glad,” Magnus said hoarsely. They sat like that for a long moment before Raphael sat back and looked around his disaster of a room. 

“Okay you’re going to carefully get your ass in the bathroom and take a long, hot shower. I want your hair washed and some clean clothes on you. I’m going to get the vacuum and clean up what glass I can.” Raphael spoke firmly in a tone that broached no argument. 

“You don’t have to do that,” Magnus said quietly as he sheepishly pushed off his blankets and shivered as the cold air his his legs and bare feet. 

“I need to get you out of this bed,” Raphael said kindly and stood to hold out a hand. “I’m kicking myself for not being here sooner. After what you went through and I just left you besides a couple of phone calls. “

Magnus took the offered hand and couldn’t resist hugging Raphael tightly for a moment. Raphael rubbed his back soothingly and squeezed tightly. The best part about Raphael was that he never let go of a hug until you were ready to first. Magnus ducked his head and was about to follow his given directions when a gentle tug on his wrist made him look back and lock eyes with his mentor at last. 

“Hey,” The older man said softly. “I’m not angry with you, okay? I’m only here to help. I’m going to make us some coffee and we can talk for a bit, alright?”

“I’ll be out soon,” Magnus promised with as much of a smile as he could manage. 

He closed the bathroom door behind himself and leaned against it, sincerely trying to muster the energy to take a shower. The days after the shooting had flown by in a haze of the lot of them huddled on the couch watching the news. It was mentioned a few times a day and more names were released each day. Tessa had sobbed for an hour after one of her team mates from volleyball was read off as part of the deceased, as well as Helen of course. Jem had shed tears over band mates and of course Will knew most of the senior class in some way or another. Magnus had felt so numb after coming home from the hospital. It just wouldn’t sink in that some guy had broken into a school and murdered over a dozen teenagers for no good reason. The news had said the man was unhinged and mentally ill. He had been wandering for hours with a gun in his backseat before he’d chosen the school. It was a completely senseless act of violence. 

The lack of a purpose to it all is what had gotten to him in the end. The nightmares brought it all back to him over and over. The metallic smell of blood filling his nose so strongly he could taste it. He had woken up gagging and coughing. Other nights his mind replayed the moments when he thought Alexander Lightwood had died right in front of him. He was constantly exhausted and the whole event had made him lose so much hope for the world and what could possibly be out there that was so great. It hadn’t helped when Will and Jem had been whisked off to some five star hotel by Will’s parents, leaving him to deal with this alone. Two weeks might seem excessive, and it probably was, but the ache inside him didn’t feel like it had healed one bit. On top of it all he couldn’t help but think of Alec, with his blue eyes and gentle hands. What it could mean that he saved his life, and where they went from here. It scared him that Alec felt that way. Surely he wouldn’t do that for just anyone? Even after the shots had gone off Alec had made sure to stay with him when he had people much more dear to him further inside. They had danced under the stars with that angelic voice singing to him softly. 

Magnus took a shuddering breath and opted to just wash his face, despite his orders from his therapist. A shower was too much to ask of him right now. He wanted sleep, but with sleep came the dreams that left him either crying or sick to his stomach, and sometimes both. He left the bathroom to see that his clothes were in one pile now in a corner and the room had been vacuumed. The trash from his floor was gone and clean clothes had been laid on the bed for him. He was grateful to be able to just mechanically get dressed without putting thought into any of it and going downstairs to have coffee and company waiting for him. He grabbed a blanket draped over the back of the couch and curled up next to Raphael on the couch, accepting the cup of steaming coffee offered to him. Raphael was good friends with Ragnor Fell so he knew his way around the house well enough. 

“Well, I’m glad you’re somewhat clean,” Raphael said with a small smile as he looked him over again. “Have you been sleeping at all?”  
“Not if I can help it,” Magnus muttered softly.

“Have you told anyone you haven’t been sleeping? Ragnor could have called me for you.” The chastisement was gentle, but it was there. Magnus did know better than to let himself get this bad. It had happened in the past, but he knew all he had to do was tell someone. That task just seemed so hard when he was in his room and in the welcoming darkness. 

“I...I haven’t really seen anyone since Will’s parents got here a few days ago.” Magnus sipped his coffee and closed his eyes to absorb the warmth. “I just...never got up one morning and….I don’t know.”

“It’s been a rough time.” Raphael reached out a hand to run it through his hair gently. “You look so exhausted, Bane.”

“I don’t wanna sleep,” Magnus protested instantly without thought. His eyes closed at the gentle touch and he leaned into it gratefully. Ragnor had comforted him once after a particularly intense nightmare, but he had mostly been getting through it alone Ragnor was his friend, but not a parent. It wasn’t his job to clean up Magus’s messes. He had to do that himself, but the problem was he didn’t know where to start. 

“Mike’s youngest had nightmares for a few days too,” Raphael commented, keeping up his rhythmic stroking. “MIke was up with him a bit, but he didn’t see what you did. You saw a lot, and none of it was anything you should have ever had to deal with. I should have been here sooner. I just wanted to give you a few days to process all of it, and maybe rest. Obviously the latter never happened.” 

Magnus felt himself start to lean sideways under the rhythmic and soothing motion of his hair being stroked. Raphael didn’t hesitate to let him put his head in the older man’s lap, his body relaxing at last. “There was no point to it, any of it. He was just some guy wanting to kill. He was some stupid, crazy guy. He had no motive, and he killed over a dozen people. I can’t….I don’t know how to accept that. How am I supposed to be excited to graduate when that is what’s out there? I see Alec get shot every single night and sometimes he dies and sometimes he blames me. I see all those bodies,” Magnus had to stop talking as his throat closed over to halt his soft words. Raphael put one arm around his waist and the other played with his hair. 

“I don’t know what to tell you. There are senselessly cruel people in this world, and that is always going to be true. You just have to remember how many good people there are as well and fight to be one of the best. In my job I have dozens of wonderful people come to be because the ones that are supposed to love them have destroyed them.” Raphael’s voice was soft and sincere and Magnus could hear a similar devastation in his tone that he had been feeling the whole week. “Why do you think Alec would ever blame you? You did nothing wrong. Alec cares for you a great deal.”

Magnus couldn’t answer that. . He wasn’t ready to admit that he had left the door open behind him when he had left to get some fresh air. He could very well be the reason that eighteen people were dead and twelve more injured. He was the reason Alec had lost one of his best friends. He was the reason for so much pain and so much grief. Tessa’s tears were because of his stupid mistake. 

Tears started to fall as he let himself think of the reality of the situation. Alcohol had staved off so many thoughts he hadn’t wanted to face as well as the empty darkness. It had let him hide from the details of what had happened. Before he knew it he was letting out tiny sobs against Raphael’s leg and trying to stop himself from falling apart completely. 

“Oh no, Magnus don’t cry,” Raphael said softly as he rubbed his back gently. “Shh, Magnus breathe for me. It’s alright now. It’s all over and it’s not going to happen again.”

“It’s all my fault,” Magnus sobbed, hiding his face in the blanket he had draped over him. “Alec nearly died for someone as worthless as me. He almost died because I’m so fucking s-stupid. Helen died and she was so nice and happy. It should have been me. It should have been me and then it would have been better.” 

“Magnus, sweetheart, stop,” Raphael said firmly as he sat Magnus up only to pull him in his arms completely and hold him tightly. “No more of that. None of this is your fault, I promise you. You’re so loved Magnus, and I know you never see it. You’re exhausted and your emotions are fried to the limit. You need to sleep and you’ll feel better.” 

“Don’t want to,” Magnus mumbled as his tears slowed a little being held this securely. He did feel emotionally worn out and he couldn’t deny that he had never been this tired in his life. He felt his face heat up as he realized what kind of shape he must be in if Raphael was using pet names of all things with him. 

“I brought these for you since I figured you weren’t sleeping very well,” Raphael held a bottle of pills in his hands. “They’re sleeping pills, so it’s more than likely that you won’t dream. You need the rest desperately.” He shook out a pill and held it out to Magnus. “I won’t leave you while you sleep, I promise. I’m staying right here.” 

Magnus was asleep the instant his head hit the pillow Raphael put under his head. He distantly felt his mentor take his hand and felt like he finally wasn’t alone.

MBALMBALMBAL

Alec laid on his hospital bed, worn out from nothing except washing and getting dressed. His chest ached if he so much as thought about moving. They were kicking him out to recuperate at home now, coming back for some light therapy outpatient. He was assigned to get a therapist to help him through this, whatever that meant. He didn’t know what good talking about any of this would do. The news had done that for a week and they hadn’t really gotten anywhere. People assumed he was shaken up by the fact that he’d almost died, but all he felt right now was grateful. He guessed there’d be a lot to deal with concerning Helen. They had kept him pretty drugged so he hadn’t felt it as much as he should have. Aline was a mess of course, the few times she’d come by. He was happy that he could be with her more often once he was free, and no longer under the supervision of nurses and his uncle hovering. Mike meant well of course with his hovering, but it was getting on his nerves. He had broken down a few times, he knew that, but that didn’t mean he was about to do it all the time. 

He forced himself to sit up and hid a wince as he bent over to put on his shoes. If he knew his siblings his homecoming would not be a quiet affair. They needed something good to celebrate this month. He wondered if his dad would be there at his homecoming, or if he’d be at work as usual. He hadn’t been by once since he’d been trapped in here. He couldn’t say he was all that surprised, but it did sting some. 

“Hey Alec,” Mike greeted with a loose hug. “You ready to break out of here?”

“Slowly, yes,” Alec said with a grin. He was excited to leave the horrible food and the constant noise a hospital brought. Some peace and quiet and good food would have him feeling much better. He went through the customary visit from his nurses, who gave him strict instructions to still rest as much as possible and not to exert himself more than he was told to in therapy. He got the names of some psychologists that he could go to. Then he was finally going out of the doors of the hospital and into Mike’s car. The leaves had mostly fallen off the trees the last few weeks and it all looked much colder and bleaker than it had when he’d woken up the morning of homecoming. 

Alec frowned to himself as Mike got off at the wrong exit to take him home. He was smart enough to know his siblings had planned some kind of welcome home party, but it had better be at his house. He was definitely not up to restaurants yet. He just wanted to sink into the comfortable leather couch and not move for a bit. 

“Aren’t we going home?” Alec asked, not able to hide how tired he was His voice still wasn’t up to par, after having a tube down it for a day or so. Some days it was back to normal, but then he’d have a round of nightmares he couldn’t make sense of and his voice was gone again. The dreams didn’t upset him too much yet since it was mostly just feeling he remembered from them. 

“Of course,” Mike replied, glancing at him. “You look like you could do with about ten years of sleep. We’ll have some dinner and then get you to your own bed. Your siblings are so excited to have you back again.”

“Are you taking a super long way for a reason? We live about four more exits up Mike,” Alec said, feeling like he’d missed something important. Mike didn’t answer him right away as he silently drove through the suburban streets. He came to a stop after a bit in front of a house Alec knew well, but it wasn’t home. 

“What the hell did I miss?” Alec asked irritably. “MIke, I want to go home. I’m tired as hell and I want to be in my room at my house.”

“Fuck,” MIke swore mostly to himself. “Jace didn’t fucking tell you.”

“Tell me what?” Alec demanded, his chest tightening painfully. Whatever was happening, it wasn’t a good thing. They had been keeping something from him, and from experience he knew that something was probably pretty bad. “What’s happened?” His anxiety was as bad as ever, if not a bit worse since all that had happened. His distant dreams often caused panic attacks so he’d become pretty familiar with the term and how they felt. His breaths started to come faster and his mind started to race as the possibilities of what they hadn’t told him raced through his mind. His chest was on fire now and he felt slightly nauseous. 

“No, Alec, you can’t get like this,” MIke said, the guilt evident on his face. “We have to keep you calm. Damn it, Jace.” 

“Welcome home Alec!” The chorus reached them even through the closed car doors. Alec saw his siblings approaching from the front steps. Alec put a hand over his healing wound and tried to put to use the grounding techniques they had tried to talk to him about. He kept aggravating his chest wound when he got like this, but his body did this without his permission. His uncle’s anger and worry was rubbing off on him, making it all worse. 

“Raph,” HIs uncle was now on the phone as Alec sat there, in pain and unable to move. His siblings were staring at the car, confused about why they were just sitting there. “Alec is having another panic attack and I don’t know how to get him calm.” A pause followed and Alec heard a distant voice on the other end. “I know you’re with a client now, but they told me to keep him calm and I’ve failed already.”

Alec opened the car door, desperate to escape his uncle who was slowly becoming more frenzied. He felt dizzy as he stood and wondered why the hell they were at Mike’s house. They hardly ever came here. There was no real reason they didn’t come here, but today was hardly the day to suddenly try it out. 

“Alec, what’s wrong?” His sister’s gentle hands were on his face, making him look at her. He was gulping in air like he was drowning. He felt shaky and still nobody was making much sense. “Alec, talk to me. What’s the matter?”

“Is it another panic attack?” Jace asked, appearing at Isabelle’s side. “Take some deep breaths Alec, it’s gonna pass.” 

“You didn’t tell him Jace!” MIke ranted as he finally got out of the car. “You said you would be the one to tell him before I brought him home. I thought you two talked about everything yesterday?”

“Oh shit,” Jace said with a horrified look. “I meant to tell him, I really did. Simon was over there yesterday and by the time he left I forgot completely.”

“Get him a glass of water iz, please,” MIke said as he took a calming breath himself before taking Alec by the shoulders. “Alec, try to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. It’ll help get your breathing more even. I’m so sorry Alec, I thought….well we need to get you sitting down.”

“I’m not going in there,” Alec gasped out, wrenching himself from Mike’s gentle hold. “Until someone bothers to tell me why we’re not at home. What is going on?”

“Robert left Alec,” MIke said quietly and gently. Jace bowed his head and closed his eyes next to them. Alec stared at them both blankly, unsure what exactly they meant.

“Left? For how long?” Instead of being calmed by the answers his panic was growing. 

“He left us,” Jace told him quietly. “Robert isn’t coming back. He sold the house Alec and took all the money with him. We’ve been living with Mike for two weeks.”

Alec was left speechless, unsure of how much more his world could change in only a month. “How could he leave? DIdn’t he care about any of us? Does he know what happened?”

“Robert is-” Jace started, but was cut off by Mike laying a hand on his shoulder.

“Not now Jace, I mean it.” He said sternly as he steered Alec forward. “Alec, we need to let you rest. We have dinner waiting for you and a cake if you want it. I’ve got you, alright? This is going to be fine.”

“Yeah...Fine,” Alec echoed numbly as he let himself be steered to a bedroom that was certainly different from his own. He was instantly surrounded by his siblings, but he couldn’t muster up the strength to say much. Nothing was ever going to be the same as it’d been before.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the recovery road starts here, and boy is it gonna be complicated. There are many many things to address in this fic and I'm excited to get to all of them. So we get a bit from Mike's POV and I don't see it being a regular thing, but I think it was kinda needed to see where he was coming from and to humanize him a bit. I hope you guys like Mike and Raphael as a couple. I was unsure at first, but it's good for the fic and good for the two of them. Thank you guys for reading and for putting up with the long waits between updates. Things are going to get better from here on out, and that's a promise. It's just going to be a long, long road to get there!! Love you guys so much for your kudos and comments!!! 
> 
> As always, happy reading :)

Magnus curled up by the window in the early hours of the morning. Today the school was opening again and it was a weird mix of emotions. He’d been with Raphael every day this week, just trying to get himself out of his depression funk. He wasn’t sure if it was helping his view on humanity, but getting out of the house every day at least kept him from fading into nothing. Now he was going back to school, and facing head on the demons he’d been dreaming about. The dreams had gotten less intense, but they still made him upset. He still could never fall asleep after one of his dreams attacked him. Raphael had given him sleeping pills, but the glitch was he could only take them every few days so he wouldn’t get addicted. 

“Did you sleep at all?” Will asked softly as he pulled a sweater over his head and sat next to him. Magnus leaned into him, grateful his best friends were back around again to talk to. 

“Some, more than last night,” Magnus said quietly. “Did your parents leave?”

“Yeah, I told them I’d be fine with school being back. I think Jem and I are alright. Tessa is upset about her teammate and now they have to find two people quickly before they have to forfeit a game.” Will sighed and placed a loose arm around Magnus’s shoulders. “It was so stupid of us to leave you here like that.”

“My mental health isn’t your job,” Magnus told him firmly, but kindly. “I know by now when things are getting bad, and yet I let them get that way. I need to learn to fight this, or at least cope with it. Raphael was here, I was okay in the end.” 

A knock came at the door and the two boys looked at each other with matching puzzled expressions. Who could possibly be here right now? 

Magnus got to the door first and swung it open to feel a huge grin spread across his face.

Raphael stood there with a steaming cup of starbucks coffee, Magnus’s favorite and something he never let himself afford. He took it and stepped aside quickly before hugging his mentor tightly. Raphael hastily put the drinks on the counter next to them before wrapping him up tightly. Magnus had learned these last few weeks that he was more than a patient to this man. Will shuffled back upstairs to get Jem for school and to give them a moment. 

“Brought you coffee for your first day back,” Raphael said with a small smile. He briefly touched Magnus’s cheek before sitting down at the table. Magnus pulled the steaming cup toward him and inhaled deeply.

“You didn’t have to do this,” Magnus told him without meeting his gaze. “I’m sure your house is crazy today. You guys have four teens going back.”

“MIke has four,” Raphael corrected. “I only have one.” Magnus took a sip to hide his smile. 

“How’s that going? I know things have been tense with you two, even if I didn’t have a face to put to the mysterious boyfriend until recently.” 

“It’s alright, not a lot of peace happening.” Raphael shook his head and sighed as he took a long drink of his own. “Do you want to hear about Alec...or not so much?”

“I don’t know,” Magnus said, his stomach twisting hearing Alec’s name for the first time in weeks. He was probably going to see him, actually he definitely was. He shared two classes with him plus his lunch. There was no way he would avoid the other boy long, and he couldn’t exactly figure out why he really wanted to. “I also don’t know why I don’t want to.”

“Love is always complicated,” Raphael said with a wry smile. Magnus started violently and barely managed to save his coffee from being a casualty. 

“Alec and I aren’t in love,” Magnus snapped sharply. “Alec hardly knows me. He’s just an idiot with a stupid fucking hero complex.”

“Okay, okay,” Raphael put his hands up to indicate peace. “I’m sorry. That was stupid of me.” He placed a hand over Magnus’s slightly shaking one. “I just came here to tell you good luck and that I’m here for you. Today won’t be easy for anyone.”

“I’m not looking forward to it,” Magnus agreed, his heart beating faster at just the thought of entering those hallways again. 

MBALMBALMBAL

“I’m going to school!” Alec said loudly, not allowing room for argument. He had stopped hiding his annoyance at being coddled and cooped up long ago. He felt so angry and he had no direct source to blame it on. “If I stay one more day in this house I’m going to go fucking crazy.”

“Alright, fine,” MIke said with an alarmed look at him. “I just wanted to be sure you were okay to go back. Has your therapist cleared you to go?”

 

“Maybe if I talked to him then he might have an idea,” Alec snapped. Jace sighed heavily from where he was finishing off a muffin. 

“MIke, they’re going to have a counselor at school for a week. I’m sure we’ll make it okay,” Jace assured their uncle calmly. “Plus, I’m sure classes won’t actually be intense today. Everyone knows today will be not the greatest day.”

“Should we go?” Isabelle appeared in the doorway, back in her usual flawless outfits and high heels. She looked ready to conquer the world once again, even after all that had happened. Alec really shouldn’t have been surprised, but he wished he could be more like her. She put up masks, so many of them, and she could be okay. She could be crying her eyes out one minute and still look ready to take on whatever came her way the next Alec wore his emotions on his sleeve all through his life. Max was exactly the same way, and it did neither of them good most of the time. Max had been quiet about Robert leaving, which somewhat surprised Alec. Their little brother wasn’t one not to have opinions, especially on things that mattered. 

“Yeah, let’s go,” Alec agreed with less aggression than before. He was ashamed of the way he’d treated MIke, and he knew partly what it was. He knew who he was furious with, but that person was never coming home again so Mike was left. None of this was Mike’s fault, and he truly did adore his uncle. He grabbed his keys before having them snatched away as soon as they were out the door by Jace. 

“I’m driving, and you’re going to relax.” Jace instructed as he unlocked the door. 

“I can fucking drive Jace,” Alec snapped as he tried to snatch the keys back. Izzy rolled her eyes and assumed shotgun. The three of them were down to sharing a car since there was no way their family could pay now for three top of the line cars. Max was surely disappointed since he was next in line for a car. 

“I’m aware you can fucking drive Alec,” Jace mocked as he opened the car door. “I’m also aware today is about to suck a whole lot for you, and for all of us. Let someone take some fucking control for one minute, alright? You’ve been coiled so tight these past few weeks that I don’t know how you haven’t snapped completely yet.” Jace met his gaze unflinchingly and Alec knew he had a point. He was so used to having all the control, but now Jace was helping him take some of it. 

“When you two are done measuring your dicks, we need to pick up Clary. She just texted me.” Izzy called from inside the car. 

“Were you going to leave without me?” Max asked as he shut the front door. His blue eyes went to Alec immediately as they had the last few weeks. His little brother was obviously shaken by him almost dying three weeks ago. He’d been by his side as much as Alec could tolerate, and Alec had been as careful as he could not to snap at him. 

“No, Max, of course we weren’t,” Alec told his brother with a smile. “C’mon, sit with me in the back seat. Iz already claimed shotgun.” He opened the door and got in first so Max could sit against him. 

They sang to the radio together, each trying to sound more terrible than the others. For just a moment it felt like the old times back when Alec had first gotten his license. They’d been happy and their mother hadn’t left just yet and they could exist in ignorance for only a short while longer. Commercials ruined the moment and they all sighed as they couldn’t find a new song. They were nearly to Clary’s house when Max finally spoke during their ride. 

“Guys,” Max said quietly and sadly. He’d gradually scooted closer to Alec so that he was tucked against his side. Alec couldn’t see his face, but he knew by his voice that he was more upset than he’d been letting on. “Guys, I’m really sorry Dad left. I’m so sorry.”

This caused quite a reaction from his siblings in the front seat. Izzy spun around to face them with her eyes wide. Jace swore loudly and immediately pulled to the side of the road and bringing the car to a skidding stop. He threw the car in park before facing the two of them. Alec had put his arms around Max, where it was evident his little brother was crying. They had assumed he had nightmares about the shooting when they’d caught him crying at night, but maybe it was much closer to home. 

“This isn’t your fault,” Jace said before Alec could make himself form the words. This wasn’t the conversation he was ready to have on the way to school. He was never ready to talk about this. He’d shut down after they’d told him Robert had left. He’d shut himself away for a few days and then flatly refused to talk about it. Robert leaving wasn’t so much a shock, they’d known it was coming in some form. He was angry, furious even. He had tried so hard to make Robert stay, he’d done everything. He’d tried to please him and make his job easier. He’d taken his crap for years and let Robert treat his siblings like crap as well. He was frustrated that the one person he was truly angry at wasn’t here for him to scream and rage at. 

“I started fights with him,” Max said quietly, his tears silent but felt against Alec’s shoulder. “I was so horrible to him. I was so angry for all he’d done. I never thought he’d leave us. I just don’t know why he didn’t love us.” 

“Shhh, Max,” Alec said as he rubbed Max’s back, heart breaking apart at his soft sobs. He was definitely the most like Alec emotionally. “Max, baby, it has nothing to do with you. Dad is nothing but a selfish asshole. He was always going to leave.”

“I keep trying to call him.” Max confessed as his body shook, though he still wouldn’t look at them. “I just want him to come home again so we can go home. I want mom back. The last thing I told him was that I hated him.”

“Max,” Jace said, his face showing that he felt as awful as Alec did hearing Max actually cry. He didn’t hesitate to climb over the middle console to sit on Max’s other side and pull the younger boy to him. Max clung to him and Alec took the chance to run a hand through his hair and try to come up with something to say that would be helpful. He was trying to force his anger aside and try to remember his own heartbreak and the many nights he’d thought exactly what Max was saying today. Izzy was leaning her head on the headrest and had her eyes closed. This was an impossible situation they were trying to manage. “I”m so sorry, bud. You have us, and you always will. I can promise you that much. Robert should have stayed, but he wouldn’t. I love you so much, Max.” Jace kissed the top of his head. Alec laid a hand on Max’s back and tried to lend him some of his strength that he’d had to hold onto for so long. 

“Alright, I’m taking Max home after you guys get to school,” Izzy decided, her voice strained and holding her own tears. “He’s not up to school right now.” 

“Yeah,” Alec agreed. “ He needs to be home with Mike.” He knew he was right when Max didn’t bother to argue, though he could hear them just fine. Max always insisted on proving he was as grown up and strong as his siblings. 

Alec linked fingers with Jace on Max’s back and as his brother looked at him they shared a sad smile. Max would get through this, they all would. They just had to stick together. 

MBALMBALMBAL

Magnus was grateful for the quiet as he slipped out into the hall. It was easier than ever to get a pass out into the hall with half the student body gone at counseling group sessions or crying in class. Their teachers didn’t have the heart to make them study their brains out yet. Three weeks ago he’d been in these halls sobbing and so scared he thought he was going to die. His stomach had been in knots all day as he watched students reacting to the reality that their friends and classmates were gone. 

He had seen Alec this morning from across the classroom. He hadn’t spoken to him since the other boy was with Aline and Simon and they all seemed so upset. Alec’s face was drawn and he looked absolutely exhausted. His shoulders seemed slumped and his eyes so dull as he kept an arm around Aline. Magnus was only glad to see him alive and breathing. His dreams had convinced him half the time that he was delusional and that Alec had really died on this linoleum. 

He looked up finally as his thoughts refused to dwell on Alec any further than that. He sucked in a breath and felt his stomach disappear. He had to end up here, of all places in this damn school. This was the spot Alec had nearly died, and the spot Magnus had been forced to watch. The spot featured in ninety percent of his nightmares. HIs feet were rooted to the spot as his eyes flicked to the spot Alec had laid in and the doorway he’d been pressed against Alec under. His mind suddenly flashed to the moment before all the disaster had happened. Alec holding him close under the starlit sky and singing so only they could hear. Magnus had felt so special, and cared for in a way he hadn’t been since his parents had died. Alec’s arms made him feel safe, and his voice always made something inside him feel calm. This was insane, the way Alec made him feel. They way it felt like he’d known Alec forever, but it’d only been two months. They’d had two dates and a dance under the stars. Alec had been ready to die for him without hesitation, and Magnus felt like he would have done the same had his brain been quick enough. He hadn’t even been able to get the courage to thank Alec for what he’d done. Something in his brain insisted that Alec couldn’t care for him like this, it was impossible. He was afraid of falling for Alec, terrified even. He was going to get hurt in the end. He just knew Alec was too good to be true. It was either going to be the fact that he only had a vagina, or the crippling depression that drove him away. HIs father had ended up hating his mother by the end because she had more bad days than good. Ever since he’d watched them fall apart, and when he’d grown up to have the same darkness inside him, he knew that he’d never get to be happy with someone. He knew it was too much to ask someone to deal with. 

Magnus’s back hit the wall and he found himself sitting on the cold floor with his knees tucked under his chin. He wanted Alec here, just like he did every time his thoughts started turning to darker times. Maybe he should just tell Alec about his depression, and about his mother. Then he would know one way or another. He’d know if he could really have Alexander in his life. But telling him was terrifying. The truth was right there, but he was so scared it wouldn’t be what he wanted to hear. 

“Magnus,” The voice made his heart skip a beat and his head snap up so quickly he smacked it on the wall behind him. The voice was smoother than it was in his dreams, and deep enough to resonate in his chest. Some invisible knot in his chest loosened just seeing Alec’s face this close up again. He’d forgotten the exact shade of blue in his eyes or how soft his lips looked. 

“Alec,” His name passed his lips strangled and like some kind of uttered prayer. Every ounce of him that missed Alec over the last three weeks roared to life to create this ache that made Magnus reach a hand up towards the taller boy. Alec’s face softened and he took Magnus’s hand without hesitation. Alec’s hand encompassed his so easily, holding it securely. Alec knelt down next to him and soon his arms were around Magnus again and all Magnus’s doubt left his stupid brain as he felt tears prick his eyes as he closed them and buried his face in Alec’s shoulder. He held Alec tightly to him and wondered why he hadn’t called Alec every time his fingers had itched for the phone. Alec’s broad hand swept over his back smoothly and Magnus felt his own shoulder getting wet with Alec’s tears. This beautiful boy was crying in front of him, and Magnus was willing to bet this wasn’t something he did in front of anyone. 

“I’m sorry I never came to visit,” Magnus said as he still held Alec. “I...well I have no real excuse. I just had to get my head around everything, though I haven’t done that still. I can’t get my head around all of this.” 

“Don’t apologize,” Alec said softly, pulling away and looking at him closely. “I haven’t been in the best mindset lately. In the hospital I was a mess and I really didn’t want to see anyone. Then I got out and found out my dad…” Alec trailed off and Magnus tried to crane his mind back to the last and only time he’d seen Robert Lightwood. He’d overheard that fight before Robert had walked off with his daughter on his heels. He’d never really thought about what had happened with their father walking away like that. 

“DId your dad leave?” Magnus asked, his brain putting together all the bits and pieces Alec had told him about his father. 

“Yeah, he’s gone,” Alec’s voice was rough and he swiped at the lingering tears. “He fucking left us dry after everything. After everything I’ve done...sorry.”  
“You can talk to me,” Magnus told him sincerely. “I understand hating your own father, I do. I understand loving and hating him at the same time. My own father was far from the perfect one You can feel angry, or sad, or whatever you want to feel.” 

“I’ve missed you,” Alec said instead, with such quiet sincerity in his voice. Their fingers had linked without Magnus even noticing as they sat in this empty hallway staring at one of the worst moments of both their lives. 

“I’ve missed you,” Magnus said in return, his voice breaking on the simple sentence. He was scared that what Raphael had said this morning was true. Could they be in love this fast? Could this crazy connection between them translate into the one human emotion nobody could really ever explain? Was it crazy to even be wondering? “I was going to call you, every night I had a nightmare. I itched to call at like three or four in the morning.”

“You could have,” Alec told him with a squeeze of his hand. “I wasn’t sleeping anyways.” 

“Do you remember that night?” Magnus asked, curious since Alec had been shot so early on. 

“I remember the fear,” Alec said quietly. “I remember being so helpless, and so powerless. I remember the fear I felt as I pushed you in that room. Fear of dying, and fear that I hadn’t saved you. Fear that my friends were dead. The fear won’t leave. I just feel so out of control these days. I keep having panic attacks all the time, no matter what I do. It’s triggered by everything, and I mean everything.” Alec sighed and Magnus felt his heart ache for him. He had seen Alec in a panic attack, and he’d had them himself. After his parents had died he had woken up more than once crying hysterically and not being able to stop. It was a horrible feeling to be so out of control of your body and your emotions. 

“I’m sorry,” Magnus said lamely, so unsure of what he could say to make this any better. “Feeling fear like that…. It’s not something you can push to the back of your mind and ignore. It’s deeper than that, and I know what you mean when you say everything. You keep feeling like you might die from the fear, but then you keep waking up.”

“I’m not sure if I’m relieved that you understand this so well,” Alec mused softly as his hand played with the hairs at the nape of Magnus’s neck. “Or horrified that that you understand this so well. Either way, I’m glad I have you.”

The panic came up to choke him again when Alec said that simple declaration. The simple implication that maybe somehow he and Alec belonged together….it threatened to make him snap like he had at Raphael earlier this morning. He fought it down with all he had if only because Alec deserved better than that. “Alec, I never got the chance to thank you.”

“Oh Magnus,” Alec’s hand paused with it’s playing and he unlinked their fingers to turn Magnus’s chin towards him. “Magnus, I’m so happy you’re alive. You don’t owe me a thank you or anything else.”

“You got shot and nearly died,” Magnus somehow said the words aloud, even if he had to drag the words out. “I need to at least say thank you.”

“Hm,” was all Alec said as his hands continued touching Magnus incessantly. It felt nice to be this adored, but it made him uneasy at the same time. “Come over tonight,” Alec murmured against his hair. 

“Yeah?” Magnus asked. A small smile worked its way onto his face. This would be the first time over at Alec’s house. 

“Please,” Alec pleaded softly. “I need someone around that isn’t watching for my next attack to come.”

“Fair enough,” Magnus kissed Alec’s cheek before standing at last. “C’mon, we should get back to class. As lenient as they are today, I don’t think skipping class will be allowed.”

“Until tonight,” Alec said as he parted with a smile over his shoulder. 

Magnus wanted to take things slow, but he felt like he was on a treadmill that was set permanently at a run. LIfe was carrying him faster and faster towards Alec LIghtwood, and it wasn’t such a terrible thing. He was just so scared that this would end with the both of them crashing into a brick wall.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

They had made it through their first day back, all of them. 

It felt so nice to be back outside, even if the fresh air was crisp and nipped at his exposed skin. 

Alec had chosen to walk back to Mike’s house. He let Jace drive Izzy home after making sure they were both relatively alright. Jace had been completely silent about the shooting. Even if his girlfriend was now in a wheelchair for possibly the rest of her life. Alec was worried about him keeping this quiet, but he hadn’t had the courage to bring any of it up. Talking to Magnus today was the most honest he’d been about it all in the last month. 

He shuffled through the leaves and made his way down the street, approaching his new home. He had fantasized about living with MIke when he’d been younger. A few years ago he’d have given anything to have this home be his. Maybe it was the fact that this was all Robert’s choice instead of his. Maybe he was so unhappy because he’d been left, instead of doing the leaving. MIke’s had always felt like home, when he’d been allowed to be here. Max already had a room here so it’d been easiest for him. Alec was stuck sharing with Jace, and while it wasn’t ideal he was oddly grateful for it for now. He hated being alone, even if he felt incredibly guilty keeping his brother up with his panic attacks. He normally could make it into the bathroom and deal with them alone, but sometimes they woke him up so intensely that Jace woke as well. 

He saw Raphael outside, trying to get rid of some of the leaves early. Alec had no idea how to feel about MIke’s boyfriend that had suddenly come to life. He had put together that this guy was Magnus’s therapist, and had helped Magnus through absolutely everything. Alec didn’t get that honestly. How did a therapist even help? How did Magnus trust a complete stranger with his thoughts and his feelings? Therapists were paid and trained to judge and analyze you for everything you told them. Alec didn’t need a label, or any more labels that was. His dad had done that enough for one lifetime. Raphael seemed nice though, and incredibly down to earth. He was handling having four teens in his house extremely well, considering this wasn’t exactly what he signed up for. 

“Hey,” Alec said a tad awkwardly as he came close enough to be heard. Raphael looked perfectly happy to stop his chore of raking to look up at him. A moment of surprise flashed over his face at who had addressed him. Alec hadn’t spoken much to anyone since he’d gotten out of the hospital, and Raphael least of all. 

“Hey yourself,” Raphael said with a bit of a grin. “Did school go alright?”

“Alright enough,” Alec agreed, grateful for the specific questions. “Mike has you doing the manual labor?”

“For now,” Raphael’s grin grew as the conversation turned to Michael. “He promised to join me soon.”

“Max okay?” Alec knew he probably should be asking Mike. 

“Your brother will be okay,” Raphael promised. “Shouldn’t you be asking your uncle this? I only just got home anyways.”

“I…” Alec trailed off, unsure how to answer. He didn’t know why he’d stopped talking to Mike. It’d always been so easy to go to him with problems, of any sort. Time with his uncle was a treat every single time, until it wasn’t. Now it just seemed like a cheap replacement. It was unfair, incredibly unfair. He hated Robert, and he had for years. He had done nothing but belittle Alec since their mother had left. Alec had worked relentlessly to make Robert’s life easy, and to make him happy or to make him proud. It was the same work that made him angry and resentful. He didn’t know how to feel, or how to change the way he currently did feel. “I don’t know how to talk to him. Does he….is he angry about that?”

“Angry isn’t the word I’d use,” Raphael said carefully. “Mike is upset you snap at him, but he understands of course. You’ve been through a tremendous amount lately.”

“That shouldn’t…” Alec found himself against cut off, at a loss for what to say. Why should Raphael even care about him and how he feels? He shouldn’t be bothering him with any of this. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m here bothering you talking about this. I need to talk to Mike...sometime.”

“I”d rather you talk to me than nobody at alll.” Raphael said quietly as he fiddled with the rake. 

“I must remind you of all your patients.” Alec said with a sigh. 

“Yes and no,” Raphael said fairly. Alec shifted his bag on his shoulder to sit more comfortably. “My patients are different. I don’t see them in their homes and on their own time. We talk for an hour and they make all kinds of promises to do what I suggest, and most of them come back a week later with none of that done.”

“You see Magnus outside your office,” Alec pointed out, incredibly unsure if he should be bringing him up or not. 

“I do,” Raphael agreed. “Magnus is...well he’s become family to me. Magnus started off as any other client, and now he isn’t. I’ve helped him through a lot, and I’ve grown to care for him. He’s definitely my longest-standing client.”

“Can that happen? You develop a real relationship with a therapist? I feel so stupid pouring myself on the floor of some office.” Alec shifted and wouldn’t look at Raphael. 

“It happens, but not so often. It was never my plan to become so involved with Magnus, but it happened. Most therapists keep it purely professional.” Raphael shrugged. “I guess you can call me unconventional.”

“Do you know a lot about panic attacks?” Alec asked, his stomach in knots and his heart pounding. He hated admitting he had them, but they couldn’t have any other name. They happened to him with little to no warning if something remotely stressed him. 

“I’ve studied about them,” Raphael said fairly. The rake was forgotten now, leaning against the house. “They happen to many people for many reasons. They are varied and I can tell you that no two people have the same experience.”

“Do they go away?” Alec felt five years old asking the simplest of questions. That’s all he really cared about. He just wanted to know he wouldn’t be like this forever. He wanted to know it got better. 

“I’ve never seen them get much better without therapy,” Raphael told him, his keen eyes looking seemingly through him. “Yours are bad, and I’m not going to sugar coat it for you. I’ve only seen you have one or two, but they’re pretty intense. You’re suffering from PTSD, and if you don’t get help it’s going to take much longer to get any better.”

“It isn’t PTSD,” Alec protested in a small voice. “That’s for people that went to war, or who had something really awful happen to them. I barely saw anything. I was only conscious for about ten minutes.”

“You were terrified,” Raphael said plainly. “You got shot at in a place you considered unquestionably safe.”

“You beat us, walking?!” Isabelle questioned as she got out of the car. Alec felt his breath leave him as Raphael plainly put out there what had happened to him, and then it returned in a whoosh as his sister distracted from the conversation. 

“Traffic is a bitch, you know that, “Alec told her with a grin. 

“Well, If I cared about fitness I would walk,” Jace griped. “I’m fucking exhausted. Why is school so tiring?”

Alec felt a pang of guilt, he knew exactly why Jace was so tired. “Go take a nap or something.” 

“I have to go see Clary,” Jace replied. “But first I wanted to see Max.” Alec nodded in agreement and followed Jace inside the house. 

“We are all going to go clean up the yard,” Mike interrupted their plans as he came out of his office. He was a self-proclaimed author and worked on freelance work when he had nothing to inspire him for a book. “I have Raphael starting, but we need to get it done before it snows this weekend.”

“Fuck me,” Jace groaned, but turned around to grab his coat again. Max came downstairs quietly, looking a bit better than he had in the car this morning but still not like himself. Mike hugged him tightly and kissed his head as he passed him. Max grinned a bit and returned the embrace before waving to Alec and going outside. Soon enough it was only Alec and Mike left in the foyer with the rest of the inhabitants outside. Alec bit his lip and looked over to his uncle. MIke was doing his absolute best by them, and it was ten times the effort Robert ever made. He made them meals and paid for them to eat at school. He did their laundry and actually went to see Iz cheer at games. Alec shouldn’t resent him for it, and it was absolutely crazy to feel this way. He had the freedom he’d wanted for the last two years, and now that he had it he felt awful. He felt like he’d been replaced somehow, though the spot was never his to assume. 

“I’m sorry,” Alec blurted out as Mike picked up his coat from where it was draped over the couch. “Mike, I’m….I don’t know why I can’t just talk to you. It’s nothing to do with you. I don’t mean to treat you like this. I don’t mean any of it.” To his horror Alec felt the sting of tears at the back of his eyes. He shouldn’t be crying in front of the man he’d treated like shit for helping him. Alec had refused to talk to him in the hospital, and then he’d come home and not acted any better. He wasn’t one to cry, and he only did it in front of his siblings when he had to. Or Magnus apparently as had happened earlier today. 

The coat Mike was holding flopped to the floor as his grip slackened on it and in an instant he was in front of Alec and holding his shoulders in his larger hands. Mike’s hands were gentle and caring, not holding one ounce of anger or frustration. He was everything Alec had always wanted his own father to be, except he wasn’t Alec’s father. He was a man taking them in out of the goodness of his heart. 

“Alec,” Mike said softly, one hand coming to cup his chin and make their eyes meet. “Kiddo, you don’t need to apologize. You can be angry at me, for as long as you need to be.”

“I have no reason to be angry,” Alec said, wanting to tear his eyes away but not able to. “You have done nothing but be there for us. Nobody even had to ask you to take us in, you just did it. You’re so great to Jace, Iz, and Max. “

“There was no asking,” Mike said quietly. “You guys are my life, and I would never let anything happen to any of you. Not anymore at least.”

His words made the stinging feeling grow and tears start to form. “He never felt that way. I just can’t understand why he never wanted us. I tried so hard to do everything-”

“You did a fabulous job,” Mike cut him off gently. “Alec, it had nothing to do with what you did or didn’t do. You couldn’t have made him stay any more than you could have made him leave. Robert made his choices. He hasn’t spoken to me either since he left. I’m not Robert, and I’m not trying to be.”

“I wanted him to stay,” Alec confessed to his shoes as Mike had finally moved his hand. “It sounds so stupid and pathetic. Somehow I wanted him to stay. I knew he was close to being done with us, but I was hoping he’d choose to stay anyways.”

“That isn’t stupid,” Mike’s hand came to cup his cheek and a large thumb wiped away the few tears that had fallen. “You are just as entitled to miss him as Max is. Or Izzy. Jace has his own demons, and one of them wasn’t Robert.”

“We should get out there,’ Alec said with a few hard sniffs. 

“You are resting,” Mike said, his voice back to being firm. “You’re still recovering physically and you are not going to be out here cleaning the yard. You hardly sleep on top of everything else. Go put in a movie and relax.”

Alec thought about protesting, but knew he honestly didn’t have the energy to be out there anyways. “Is it alright if Magnus comes over?”

“Of course,” Mike said warmly. “Though I guess I should clear it with Raphael. Then again he did pass the therapist client line long ago with that one.”

“I don’t think he’ll mind,” Alec said, remembering the soft look Raphael had gotten when Magnus’s name was brought up and how he referred to him as family. It was nice that he could be who he was freely at last. He smiled to himself as he went about setting up the movie and snacks. Maybe once he healed from all of this he’d be okay, they all would be.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

“My back is going to hurt tomorrow,” Michael Wayland complained softly as he collapsed in bed later that night. They had all the teens in bed and the house was quiet for the time being. He watched Raphael with a small smile on his face as his boyfriend washed his face in the bathroom, his muscles rippling just a bit as he got ready for bed. 

“I’m glad we got it done though,” Raphael said after wiping his face. “There’s nothing worse than wet leaves after the snow melts. Plus, I think it ruins your lawn. There’s one advantage to having teenagers around. We can at least put them to work if nothing else. That would have taken us the whole week to do instead of one evening.”

“Iz seemed to struggle with it though,” Mike commented.

“She’s tired Mike, all four of them are. I’m glad you got Alec to stay inside.” Raphael said as he settled on the floor at the foot of their bed to stretch before bed. Mike flipped on his stomach to watch him. He definitely should be joining in, but the bed was too comfortable to think about leaving. 

“I saw you two talking,” Mike said with a smile. He’d been nervous to introduce Raphael to his niece and nephews. It wasn’t that they were horrible to anyone, but Raphael meant the world to him. “What did you guys talk about?”

“He’s hesitant about therapy, and he’s worried about his panic attacks,” Raphael said carefully without looking at him. “He doesn’t want to admit how badly the shooting affected him, and maybe he doesn’t feel like he deserves to be affected. He doesn’t want to admit there’s a problem, none of them do. I think Robert leaving when he did let them mask the shooting in favor of focusing on that.”

“He talked to me too, a bit,” Mike said with a bit of a grin. “It wasn’t significant, but better than nothing. Alec takes too much on himself. Why do you think he’s suddenly having panic attacks? I mean, he’s always had anxiety but never like this.”

“You know I can’t diagnose him Michael,” Raphael warned him quietly before sighing as he straightened up from leaning forward over his legs. He raised his arms in the air to stretch them. “Well, maybe his anxiety is just heightened by everything. Jace told you he hasn’t been sleeping and that won’t help. Attacks like his aren’t caused by one specific thing. It’s probably everything rolled into one.”

“Do you think he’ll go to therapy? I don’t want to force him.”

“Forcing him won’t do much good,” Raphael agreed, lowering his arms and resting them on his thighs while studying Mike critically. “What are you getting at Mike? I’ve known you too long.”

“I don’t get why you can’t help him,” Mike said earnestly. Raphael sighed deeply and rose gracefully from the floor to join him on the bed. Mike sat up to face him, legs crossed and hope filling him. “He spoke to you. He actually said something to you, and that’s something. You’re the most qualified person I know, and you do so much good with this kind of thing. Alec would probably talk to you. Plus you could be around here and help him further.”

“I’ve given you numbers of three people better than I am,” Raphael argued without addressing Mike’s urging. 

“Alec trusts you,” Mike reminded him. “Well, on principle if nothing else.”

“He doesn’t trust me,” Raphael shook his head. “He’s getting desperate because his control is slipping on it. He’s dating Magnus Mike, I can’t take him on. He’s your nephew and dating Magnus. It’d be a conflict of interest on so many levels.”

“He isn’t even related to me, not by blood,” Mike said, his heart sinking as Raphael tensed and his eyes closed. He had thought about this all through the evening and this seemed like the most obvious solution. He trusted Raphael to help, and that list wasn’t very long these days. “Magnus isn’t even your client, or not only your client.”

“Magnus is certainly my client,” Raphael snapped. “I can’t break that trust with him. It would destroy the last three years of progress I’ve made with him. Magnus is important to me in other ways I’ll admit, but that doesn’t make him any less of a client. I can’t sit there and listen to both of them when both of them will also pester me about the other. It’s natural to ask, and I wouldn’t blame them. I’m not taking Alec on, that’s the end of it Michael.”

“Alec is suffering,” Mike said fiercely. His eyes were hard and his fists involuntarily clenched. He knew he was acting irrationally, but he had to act with this panic he felt in his gut watching these kids go through one thing after another. “He can’t go on much longer like this. I need to get him help. I’ve already let Robert nearly destroy him all these years after the divorce. You are going to sit there and let him fall apart?”

“You need to make him go to the therapist he’s assigned to, or one of the ones I gave you. All the names I gave you specialize in PTSD, and they are great. Mike, sometimes being a parent means you have to show a bit of tough love.” Raphael set a hand softly over top of one of his fists. “Alec is going to be okay, and I can tell you that much without doubt. These kinds of things take time and they’re painful to watch. I’ve watched Magnus fall apart many times, but it never breaks my heart any less. “

“He won’t be okay without some help,” Mike said, his jaw working furiously as he stared at the headboard. 

“You can’t put Alec’s recovery on me,” Raphael said, his voice betraying his hurt. “That isn’t fair. I’m here to talk to him at home, and I’ll do what I can. I’m trying to fit into your life Mike, and it isn’t easy most of the time.”

“You have every tool to help him, and you won’t do it.” Mike tore back the blankets and climbed under. Raphael followed him, but was careful to stay on the far side of the bed. 

“If you feel guilty about not helping them with Robert, then you need to deal with that.” Raphael’s voice was stiff. “I am giving you all I can, and I always will.”

“Raph-” Mike started, his voice achingly desperate and pleading, when he glimpsed Jace out in the hall holding a glass of water. He looked vaguely upset, features pinched and drawn. Mike was up out of bed in a moment.

“Jace,” Mike called as he stepped out in the hall. Jace turned with his blonde hair tousled from sleep and his features drawn. His eyes looked raw and aching as he froze in place. Raphael was at his shoulder, and Mike wanted to lean against him and let this nightmare be over. He was not qualified for this. He didn’t know when to push and when to let up. He didn’t know how to be anything other than the uncle that took them on adventures and occasionally dried a few tears. 

“It’s Alec,” Jace finally said without meeting their gazes. “He had another panic attack tonight. He’s been throwing up and wanted some water.”

Raphael made a noise of sympathy in the back of his throat. Mike looked at him and was fiercely reminded of why he loved him so very much. Raphael was empathetic to a fault and he was strong, kind, and gentle. He had always given Mike all of himself since they’d met four years ago. Mike took his hand and squeezed it gently in apology and as a plea of support. Raphael didn’t hesitate to squeeze back and meet his eyes briefly. He stepped around Mike to take the water from Jace and head into their shared room. Mike took Jace in his arms and the fact that Jace’s pale hands came up to grip his forearm tightly made his heart ache. Jace was untouchable, or at least that’s the persona he gave off. He kissed the blonde hair affectionately.

“He’s gonna be alright,” Mike said softly to him. He could hear Raphael talking to Alec gently in the next room, his voice lilting and soothing. 

“I just wanted one night to be with you guys,” Jace said, his voice soft and strained. “I just wanted to catch up on sleep and be at home. I love her...but I needed a break.”

“Clary?” Mike asked, removing his arm from around Jace and turning him. Now that Mike was only a foot away from his face it was clear that Jace had been upset for a while. “Of course you need a break. You’ve been with her every day for the last three weeks on top of trying to take care of Alec. You’ve been through just as much as anyone else has.”

“She started screaming at me,” Jace said, running a hand through his hair. “She’s lonely and she’s upset and her life is totally changed for what could be forever. She can’t walk and I think sometimes she hates that I can. I love her, sometimes so much that it makes it so I can’t breathe anymore. I can’t take this away from her, and I want to so much.”

“I know you love her,” Mike assured him. He’d been there for Jace freaking out and borrowing his car to pick her up on their first date, and all the way through the long nights he’d sat by her bed in the hospital. Jace hadn’t broken down until he had been alone by Clary’s bed and he thought everyone had gone home. Mike would never forget watching his nephew hold this girl’s hand and cry like it was him that had lost his ability to walk. He took every ounce of her pain into his own heart in a way Mike had never seen before. Jace didn’t love many people, and really had never relied on any sort of parental figure. Alec and Isabelle were the only other two people he’d let into his heart. Clary was his life, and that was a lot for an eighteen year old to take on. “She isn’t angry with you, and I know you know that. She’s angry that her progress is slow and that her hope is so slim. She’s scared and you’ve taken it all from her. Jace, don’t feel guilty for needing some time to yourself. Clary has wonderful parents to be there for her.”

“Alec’s calm,” Raphael said quietly. “He just had a nightmare. I got him back into bed. I’ll, erm, see you in there,” Raphael gestured vaguely to their bedroom before making himself scarce. Jace sighed deeply. 

“Let me get in there and see if he’s really alright. It’s not that I don’t trust Raphael, but Alec doesn’t tell anyone the full truth. Night Mike.”

“Night,” Mike said faintly as he watched Jace close the door behind him as he spoke to his brother. He sighed quietly to himself as he made his way back to his own bed. It was late and his eyes were aching for rest. He felt his way to his side of the bed in the dark and felt relief and safety as he slipped under the cool sheets. He didn’t hesitate to wrap Raphael in his arms and kiss behind his ear softly.

“Alec isn’t on you,” Mike told him tenderly. “None of them are, and you’re a saint for helping me with this. I never even asked you if this was okay.”

“It was never a question for either of us,” Raphael replied slowly, voice thick with the pull of sleep. 

“Raphael, I love you and I’m sorry I’ve taken this out on you. I’m worried about them, all of them. I just don’t know if I can help them.” Mike confessed. Raphael gently twined their fingers together and squeezed. 

“I love you, but you already know that.” Mike huffed out a gentle laugh at his boyfriend’s words. “I’m glad you worry. It makes me think of our children, whenever we have them.”

“Maybe I should marry you first?” Mike said in a whisper, the darkness making him brave enough to say the words. It wasn’t that he’d never considered marrying the man in his arms, but the reality grew closer all the time. It was time for them, and the issues with his closest friends needed to stop getting in the way.

“I’ll be waiting for a ring, Wayland.” Raphael brought his hand up to kiss his knuckles. “Go to sleep love. I think we’ll get at least a couple of uninterrupted hours.”

“Goodnight.” The silence lulled him into sleep, his mind trying to block out his worries for tonight.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys!!! This chapter features a bit of everyone and the ride isn't over yet, let me tell ya. People might get kinda mad, but um, it's all gonna work out I do promise that much. Magnus and Alec are just both dealing with their demons and having a rough time of it. Alec is close to a breaking point, and Magnus needs to come to terms with the past and accept that he might not repeat it. Life is a long journey guys, and these two are learning hard things so give them a bit of time. 
> 
> WARNING: This chapter and the next heavily mention and deal with an eating disorder. Please be careful reading those triggered and stay safe please please please. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and for giving me your support! It means the absolute world to me!! Much love to all of you!
> 
> Happy Reading :)

It was funny the way life went back to normal, no matter what happened. The days slipped by and life demanded the routine activities take place. Waking up happened every single morning, bright and ready for a new beginning. School remained in session and the lessons didn’t change just because life was hard. The routine helped a lot of people deal with their trauma, by being an endless wheel carrying them along. Alec just felt exhausted all the time, and it had nothing to do with the fact that five hours of sleep was his new version of normal. 

“All we do is drive,” Aline sang softly along with the Halsey song drifting from the laptop speakers. They were sitting in Aline’s room trying to get their homework done, but failing mostly. Aline looked too thin, but not nearly as thin as his sister did. Alec had to do something about that, and about so many other things. He had to start with his best friend in front of him. They hadn’t talked about Helen at all, just tried to get their lives back as quickly as possible. He had no idea how she was doing with it, or if she was sleeping at all. He finished the last math problem they had been assigned that night and shut the book with a definitive snap.

“Are you done with math?” Aline asked, eyeing his book. “I need….like four answers. Care to help your bestest friend out with those?”

“If it’s really four and not the entire assignment.” Alec rolled his eyes as she snatched his paper from him and pulled out a blank sheet of paper. He looked anywhere but at his friend for a bit before he had to blurt out what had been on his mind lately. “So, maybe after you’re done being a big, fat, cheater.” She stuck her tongue out at him with a tiny grin. “I wanted to walk to Helen’s grave.”

The wave of pain that came over her face made him almost regret bringing it up. He could have asked Jace or Izzy to go with him, but it meant something different going with Aline. She knew her as well as he did. It had been the four of them since they were thirteen years old. He saw her breathing hitch and her pencil pause. “Alec, I don’t know-”

“I haven’t been,” Alec said hoarsely. “I missed her funeral, and I never got to say…” His own throat tightened up so he couldn’t finish his sentence. “I invited SImon as well. The three of us going seems right. Y’know?”

“Yeah, I need to bring her fresh flowers anyways,” Aline said, her voice having the slightest hint of a waver to it. 

“I”m sorry I upset you,” Alec said quietly. “I’ve been trying to make myself go, but I couldn’t go alone. I’m-”

“Babe, don’t apologize,” Aline said sincerely as she came to sit next to him. She took his hand and squeezed tightly “She was one of your best friends, and you are hurting as much as I am. Of course we can go. I’m sorry I didn’t think of it.”

“Well, of course not. I’m sure you hate thinking about it.” Alec squeezed her hand tightly. Aline sighed softly and went back to copying the assignment. 

“In other news,” Alec said, breaking the silence with a lighter topic. “I may have kinda gotten to second base with Magnus.”

“Well that’s exciting,” Aline said with a wicked grin. “Was it during your movie night the other day?”

“Yeah,” Alec grinned in return for a moment before his grin fell. The night was one he loved to remember. He loved remembering Magnus laughing in his bed and casually leaning against him. His hands tracing Magnus’s caramel soft skin and hearing his breathing hitch. Then there was the moment where panic came over Magnus’s face and he withdrew carefully while unable to meet Alec’s eyes. He hadn’t fully understood what he’d done wrong, and the worst part is he had the best key to Magnus in his own house, but he couldn’t very well ask. “I just….Magnus is hard to read. He has….a lot going on.”

“He’s very reclusive,” Aline agreed as she finished her last problem as the doorbell rang indicating that Simon was here. 

“How do I know if he’s being hard to read, or if I did something wrong?” Alec had been worried since Magnus had sort of waved goodbye as he’d hurried out of his house. Magnus hadn’t called him in two days, and while Alec certainly didn’t want to be that guy, his anxiety was going absolutely crazy. 

“Well, how far did you actually go? Second base is kind of a loose term.” Aline stretched as she got up from the couch and headed up the stairs to answer her side door.

“Just some groping and kissing,” Alec blushed just a bit as he said it. He’d never had to talk about what he had ever done with Jonathan. 

“Okay, well I don’t know what you could have really done wrong,” Aline shrugged. “I mean, who hasn’t had a boy become a tad handsy, worst case? He touched you back, didn’t he?”

“HIs hands were involved, yep,” Alec shivered a bit at the memory of Magnus’s hands running over his back and sides, grazing his nipple deliciously. 

“Then fair play I’d say,” Aline decided. “Maybe he just needs time to process. He’s a trans boy Alec, I’m sure it’s beyond hard to be intimate with someone physically. Talk to Will and see if he knows anything if you’re desperate in a few days.”

“Yeah, alright,” Alec let it go the best he possibly could for now. Aline swung the door open to find Simon standing there looking solemn and holding a huge bunch of flowers. Aline smiled at him softly and hugged him close while kissing his cheek. They slipped on shoes and started the walk to the cemetery where Helen was buried. Alec irrationally wished Magnus was here to simply hold his hand and ground him to all the good in his life. The vague dreams and the panic attacks, and the way his emotions were up and down constantly drained him of any energy. There had been many afternoons he’d stayed holed up in his room ignoring life altogether, which was very unusual for him with three siblings always around. Isabelle was everywhere but at home, as usual. Jace was tied to Clary by a short leash, and he came home irritable and frustrated. Max, poor young man that he was, had no idea how to deal with Robert leaving or the shooting. Max had the blessing of not really remembering much about the shooting. He had gotten into a classroom with some friends and hadn’t come out until the SWAT team had evacuated them. Alec was so glad he was spared the nightmare the rest of them were living through. 

The cemetery was quiet as they entered through the gate together. Alec took Aline’s hand in his, earning him a small smile of thanks. They had been quiet the entire way there and Alec wished someone would just say something instead of this suffocating silence. He lost his breath completely for a moment as he stared at Helen’s name carved in stone in front of him. Aline’s last bouquet of flowers was wilting, but still there from when she’d visited last. The air was crisp and cold against his face as he stared blankly. He balled his hands into fists to stop them from shaking, though his entire body was a bit. This was real. Helen had died, she was gone for the rest of their lives. She’d never get to marry Aline on that beach they had picked out and Alec would never deliver the speech he had jokingly written at 2am during a sleepover. She would never wear that pretty purple dress she’d bought when they’d went shopping for homecoming. She would never become a nurse and help the way she’d wanted to for so long. She would lay here in the ground for as long as he’d be alive. He’d never hug her after a concert again or watch her blush after Aline kissed her brazenly. 

It hurt more than he could have ever imagined. 

The tears fell from his eyes in a burst instead of a trickle. Sobs shook him silently, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away. This never should have happened to anyone, but her least of all. He had met her freshman year, after a fantastic date Aline had taken her on. They had clicked together instantly, all four of them He may have known her the shortest amount of time, but the pain didn’t feel any less. 

Aline was whispering words to Helen as she stood a foot away from him and Simon had his head bowed, tears dripping off his nose. This image was surreal as they were barely into their senior year. It was all so wrong, and yet here it was and they were expected to carry on with the routine of life like it was something they could do. They were expected to move on and accept that this was just part of life. The truth was that his life was never going to be the way it was before homecoming night. This month was all about finding gratitude, but Alec had absolutely nothing he wanted to be grateful for. He felt angry more than anything else. He hated that he was a shell of who he used to be, and that his friends would never be who they were either. 

“So,” SImon said, breaking their silence with his hoarse voice. “I have a thought, and it won’t leave me alone.”

“Let’s hear it,” Aline said softly. She had to tear her eyes away from Helen’s grave to look at Simon. Alec’s whole body felt numb and he couldn’t move yet.

“I think we should have a memorial concert,” Simon announced. “Ignoring the shooting is wrong. Nothing has been said by anyone since it happened. Not a damn word about anyone that was killed. Eighteen kids are gone, and we haven’t even gotten to talk about it. Those counselors are shit. All they say is how to move on and move past it. I don’t want to move past this yet. That bastard took one of my best friends, and a month isn’t enough time to grieve. I want to do something for them, all of them. We could collect donations instead of ticket money. We could give the money to their families. We could have candles and make it about our losses. I thought we could ask for a favorite song of every kid that was killed. Most people connect to music more than anything else. Music is their heart and soul.”

“Yes,” Alec agreed immediately and without thinking about it. “That is a fantastic idea. We have to do it. We could do it in an abandoned field or something. It doesn’t have to even really be much of a show, just somewhere for people to come and be together. Grieve and talk to each other.”

“Helen would have loved it,” Aline said with a nod. It felt like ice had been poured over Alec all over again as Aline said the name of the person whose grave they stood in front of. “Are you okay, Alec?”

“I guess,” Alec said lamely. He didn’t want to outright lie and say yes. Then again, what other choice did he have but to be okay? “I just….I want her back.”

“Me too,” Aline linked their arms and rested her head on his shoulder. “I miss her every minute. I keep going to text or snapchat her to find that I can’t. The morning I got a automated message saying her number was no longer working it felt like she’d died all over again. She...she’s really never coming home.”

“I can’t picture our entire lives without her,” Alec said what was really getting him. “I can get her missing prom, or even Christmas this year. When I look ahead to next year, or even five years, I can’t seem to understand that she’ll never be with us again. We had so many plans for us. Most of them were jokes, but some of them felt real.”

“Like the apartment we were all going to share if Robert laid one more hand on you,” Simon supplied sadly. “Helen had money saved up for the deposit and everything. She was so perceptive to the way he treated you, even when you didn’t say anything.”

“Our double wedding on that beach,” Aline reminisced next. “Helen was determined to find you a pretty boy to marry so we could do it together. Then she met Magnus and got so excited that maybe this was someone special. She really liked Magnus.”

“She wanted to be a nurse and bully us into actually taking care of ourselves,” Alec said at last. “She was so..good. She always only wanted the best for us, all of us.”

“We love you baby,” Aline said, only focusing on Helen’s name. “We always will, all of us.”

“Amen to that,” Alec and Simon echoed, tears choking them. As they left the cemetery Alec was frustrated when his mind again only wanted Magnus here to hold him after this. He got out his phone and tapped on their messages, woefully empty for days now. If he’d done something wrong with Magnus, he hadn’t meant to. Magnus needed to just tell him instead of disappearing off the face of the earth. Alec needed him, here and now. He needed someone to lean on, and to hold him. This was hell, the life he’d been dealt lately. He didn’t want to go through it this alone. 

I need you. The text was simple and concise. Alec should have probably put it a bit less bluntly, but he had no more patience for that. People had told him all his life to reach out to others instead of taking it all on his own. He was finally taking their advice. 

MBALMBALMBAL

“Fuck,” Magnus swore when he read the text from Alec consisting of only three words. 

“Something wrong?” WIll asked. The four of them were finally spending some time together after the weeks of crazy they’d been through. Tessa was lying between Jem and Will, happy and content again with the two loves of her life. They had talked many nights since the shooting and had figured out their feelings again. 

“Dating sucks,” Magnus bit out as he threw his phone down on the bed. They were relaxing in Will and Jem’s room, talking and messing around while the TV played in the background. They had ordered mounds of chinese food with containers littered everywhere. It was a night they all needed. It’d been so long since they’d connected as friends together with everything happening all the time. Magnus didn’t get nights like this often with the way his depression made him closed off more often than not. 

“It can be fun,” WIll said wickedly as he slid a hand up Jem’s leg while the other boy was looking at his phone. Jem rolled his eyes and slapped his hand away. Will pouted for a moment before simply kissing Tessa deeply. 

“I just….I can’t be his security blanket,” Magnus said honestly. It was a mean and horrible thing to say admittedly, but it was brutally honest as well. “I don’t need someone with all these….problems. I feel like I barely get through day to day as it is. I can’t be his security blanket, or his outlet, or anything. I know Alec is dealing with a lot right now. I know he’s a mess. He’s also sexy and kind and probably I’m crazy for not being all over him. I don’t even know if I want a boyfriend right now.”

“That is incredibly selfish,” Tessa said. She sat up and shrugged Will’s arm off her shoulders. “He’s been there for you, and he has been patient. Just because he tried to fondle you doesn’t mean you have to break up with him.”

“He did what?” Jem got out, surprised. Will laughed loudly as he flopped onto his back. Jem slapped his stomach. “WIll, quit laughing. I’m sure you felt….awkward Magnus.”

“That’s putting it lightly,” Magnus blew out a breath and tried not to feel guilty. “I didn’t even say anything to him. I just left.”

“What did he send you?” Tessa asked curiously as her hair fell over her shoulders. Her brown hair was down and loose around her shoulders and back. Jem couldn’t keep his hands out of it, since normally it was up in a tight bun. 

“Just a text that said I need you,” Magnus sighed. “He does need me, I know that. He needs someone there for him. His siblings are too caught up in their own lives right now to be there. HIs uncle is trying to keep them above water financially. Oh, and did I mention I only know any of this because Raphael is living with them? My therapist is living with my….with Alec, so therefore I’ve lost Raphael in all of this as well.”

“You haven’t lost him,” Will argued as he grabbed the remote to change the channel. “Don’t even act like he didn’t call this morning for you to blow him off. You’ve got to trust him by now, right? He’d never say anything to Alec, not in a million years.”

“How did you know about Magnus’s date?” Jem asked Tessa with a small smile.

“He told me,” She said simply. At two identical incredulous looks from her boyfriends she laughed. “I don’t tease Magnus mercilessly about everything. He just told me Alec got a tad handsy. It wasn’t even all that exciting.”

“I can’t believe you,” Will said to Magnus, shaking his head. “We live with you and you don’t tell us shit.”

“Magnus, let’s be honest,” Tessa said seriously. “Would you really be able to relate to someone who's had an easy life?”

“I don’t know,” Magnus admitted. “I just….Alec and I…..it’s just so crazy how connected we feel to each other. I….I can’t get out of my head the fact that he pushed me inside that classroom to save my life. He was going to take a bullet for me, quite literally.”  
“Why are you pushing him away?” Jem asked, finally all humor gone from his face. “You like him Magnus, and I had my doubts when Will gave him your number. He’s proved to be a good person, exceptional even. There’s nothing wrong with finding someone amazing in your life unexpectedly.” Magnus watched as his three friends exchanged a fond look and smiles. His stomach twisted and part of him longed for what they had while being scared of it at the same time. 

“This isn’t some love story,” Magnus shook his head. 

“Who said you’re in love?” Will scoffed as Jem and Tessa both gave him a look. “At least let him show you a good time for a while. It’s fun, and it’s easy.”

“Nothing about either of us is easy,” Magnus argued. “That’s what I’m saying. Whatever this is between us is the furthest thing from easy. It’s messy and intense and everything that I don’t want or need right now.”

“Relationships are hard,” Tessa said firmly. “Especially the ones that are worth it. You think it’s easy being in love with two men at once? Not only does absolutely nobody understand that I’m not being a whore or selfish or playing either of them, it’s like having two relationships at the same time. Not to mention those two men are also mad about each other so there’s that to figure in. WIll and Jem have slept together, and I haven’t slept with either of them yet. I don’t think I”m ready, but they are. That’s hard to deal with because they have a level of intimacy between them now that I know nothing about. I have two dating lives going on, while also making sure I give them enough space for the two of them to have dates. It’s the hardest thing I could have ever chosen to do with my life, but I love them. Magnus, I love these two idiots with my entire heart and I could never choose between them.” She blushed when Jem kissed her cheek and Will took her hand gently in his. “Alec is probably messy with everything going on. He has a whole host of problems, and I say that because everybody does. You aren’t going to find someone without demons of their own. “

“It’s not that he’s too much,” Magnus cut her off with his voice quiet and his heart in his throat. “That isn’t the problem. I know people are complicated, all of them. I’m not afraid of handling Alec’s anxiety and numerous family problems. I’m not afraid of helping him through panic attacks or nightmares or dealing with his father. That doesn’t put me off. It...It isn’t him, it’s me.” Magnus found that he needed a minute to be alone instead of talking any longer about all of this. He bade them goodnight even though Tessa obviously wanted to get to the bottom of this. He had told them more than he’d meant to, but this Alec thing was eating at him. He said it was Alec that was too needy, but it was himself that was the problem. He was needy, and he knew it so well. He knew what he wanted from a partner, he wanted everything. He wanted a support system and a confidante and a best friend. He wanted someone to lay in bed with him on his bad days and not mind. He wanted someone who would know that sometimes there wasn’t anything wrong, it was only that nothing was right. He wanted someone to simply understand, instead of demanding explanations. 

It was a lot to ask….and Magnus was terrified it was too much.

MBALMBALMBAL

How had he ended up here? 

The day after he practically ran from Alec’s house he had walked home and slowly figured out that Raphael lived with Alec and that triggered his panic mode.. He talked to Raphael about absolutely everything, things that even the three people he called his best friends didn’t fully know. Raphael knew how he felt about everyone in his life. He knew everything about how he felt about Alec. He felt like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Raphael was his closest confidante and his best friend in the world, and then Alec was the boy he was insanely attracted to on some deep level he didn’t understand. Those two in the same house….it shouldn’t put him on edge but it did. 

He showed up and the receptionist gave him a smile, but the shock was clear on her face that he was there. He didn’t have an appointment, but that wasn’t exactly new. She told him to take a seat and that Mr. Santiago would be with him shortly. Magnus felt nervous for the first time since his first session with Raphael years ago. He needed to stop this trend of cutting Raphael out whenever he felt the urge to do so. He knew it was only frustrating his therapist and putting back his progress. He knew missing one session was maybe acceptable, but two weeks worth not exactly the same. 

A door opened and Magnus’s head snapped up to see Raphael at the front desk rifling through papers and talking quietly with his secretary. He looked tired, with light bags under his eyes and his shoulders sagging. Magnus had missed him terribly, and he hadn’t even realized it until this moment when his heart ached. Before he knew what he was doing he was on his feet and moving over to the desk. He wrapped his arms around Raphael and hung on tightly as he trembled a bit. He felt like every day was a constant battle, from his depression and from battling his own dark thoughts. He felt like simply getting out of bed was the hardest thing he had to do, but then there was a whole host of other things to deal with after he stepped out his bedroom door. 

“Come on,” Raphael murmured to him, putting an arm around him gently and leading him back to his office. Magnus felt embarrassed at leaving in the first place and then reacting so intensely to seeing Raphael once again. It was his own fault for their separation, and yet here he was the one acting like a complete mess. The door clicked shut behind them and the world once again got comfortably smaller and Magnus felt like he could finally breathe. 

“I’m sorry,” Magnus apologized instantly before Raphael could start his reprimand. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here. I’m sorry I keep pushing you away. I don’t mean to, I swear I don’t. There’s been so much going on and so much to sort out.”

“Why haven’t you been coming to sessions?” Raphael asked calmly as he folded his arms. He looked even more of a mess up close than he had from the side in the waiting area. Magnus wanted to ask him about it, but he figured he’d have time for that later. “You’re also lucky my ten o’clock cancelled today. I have many people I see that show up to their appointments.” 

Magnus flinched almost imperceptibly. “I didn’t know you lived with Alec.” He paused there for a minute as he tried to explain why he’d avoided the older man. “Alec’s house turned into a disaster last week, and then at the same time it hit me that you lived with him. The Alec thing is….probably more complicated than it needs to be. I felt….afraid to talk to you about him. I-I don’t think you’d tell him anything per say, more that whatever I said would change your perceptive of him and I know you and Mike are trying to work things out and be a family with Isabelle, Alec, Jace, and Max. I didn’t want you to think differently of Alec. He’s really great, so great. He...Alec deserves a family. He needs one so badly after the way his dad has treated him for so long. It’s been complicated Raphael, and I’m sorry. You know….everything about me. There is nobody who knows me better and I felt like I had to censor what I said and that wasn’t going to work when he’s all I’ve been thinking about. “ 

Raphael’s stance softened a bit and he sighed deeply. “I’m sorry as well. I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t come here. Things did get a bit complicated after the shooting and Robert left. You adore Alexander, and I don’t think whatever you have to say about him will change what I think. I’ve known for a long time that people all have good and dark sides. Nobody I’ve ever met has only one side to them.” He took a few steps forward and rested a hand on Magnus’s cheek. “Next time at least call me. I’ve been worried about you. I haven’t had time to go over your house like I wanted to and it was driving me crazy.”

“You seem tired,” Magnus observed quietly, leaning into the soft touch and feeling his very soul calm from being here. 

“I’ve taken on a few more clients to help balance things at the house. It’s a heavier workload than I like, but I’m managing.”

“And here I am making your life harder,” Magnus said with a sigh and feeling horrible.

“The best people normally do,” Raphael teased with a smile. “Sit Magnus, and let’s talk. Tell me what’s been going on, and if you’re good I might even treat you to lunch after.”

Magnus smiled and settled to his customary spot on the floor. He didn’t think, only let words fall from him in whatever way they wanted to. He told Raphael everything he’d tried to tell his friends the night before. He spilled every thought out on the floor of that office and felt marginally better afterward, but he still had no answers. 

“We’ve talked before about not letting yourself doubt a good thing before it happens,” Raphael said quietly after a few moments of silence. 

“How do I not doubt this?” Magnus exploded, more than tired of everyone telling him to just let this thing with Alec play out. “I saw the way he looked at her Raphael! I watched him silently hate her for years. I watched her fall apart because of it. I saw her force herself out of bed and try to be the woman he expected her to be. I also watched her break down and cry when it was all too much. I know how this goes if your partner doesn’t understand. I’m not going to be my mother. I’m not going to live like that, even if that means I’m stuck alone the rest of my life. I..” He swallowed hard and fought the tears that pricked the back of his eyes. “I couldn’t handle it if Alec and I ended up hating each other. Alec deserves more than me. He needs a lot, and so do I. I would only end up asking too much of him and it would destroy both of us. He’s already willing to die for me, and we’re barely in a relationship at all. It’s crazy and I-I can’t handle this.”

“Your depression isn’t some kind of sentence that you’re doomed to be alone.” Raphael explained. “It’s very manageable with therapy and medication, that is if you dedicate yourself to coming to therapy. I know you have bad days, but I think everyone has them to some extent. You are not your mother Magnus, even if you share her disease.”

“I feel sick when he touches me,” Magnus got out and this time tears did fall. “I don’t want to feel that way. I know he knows about me and that helps. I….I can only imagine what he’s thinking when he touches my breasts that aren’t gone completely. I don’t feel like a man when he touches me. All I can think of is what I’m lacking. The dysphoria is so strong and I feel like I can’t breathe. How do you figure I deal with that and have a healthy relationship with anyone, let alone Alexander?”

“You’re not your mother Magnus,” Raphael said simply. Magnus sniffed hard and tried to stop the tears. “Your fate isn’t the same as hers. Being physically intimate is going to take some time. You only transitioned three months ago, and that’s not a whole lot of time.” Magnus sniffed again and wiped away some tears only for more to take their place. In only a moment Raphael was at his side and taking his hand patiently. “Magnus, I”m going to be here as long as you need me to be. I’m going to take care of you, alright? I’ll make sure you don’t get too far in the darkness and that you’re treated right by people. I know you’re frustrated and that your hormones are aching to be with someone at your age, but you need to be patient. We’re going to get you there when you’re ready and not a moment sooner. If you rush this you’re only going to end up miserable and upset.”

“I want to go a full month without having a day where I can’t get out of bed,” Magnus confessed without looking at Raphael. “I’m so scared of being like my mother. She...she got to the point where she wouldn’t even talk to me by the end. All she wanted, no, all she thought she deserved was to be alone in her pain. Her mind only told her over and over that we didn’t lover her or want her around. My father only made it worse with his snide comments and ignoring her. She was so alone, and I tried so hard to help her…” Magnus never spoke the details of her death, it had always been too painful. Raphael knew she’d died, but not the details. They’d always focused on his transition and accepting that the way he felt was okay, however he wanted to feel. A sob shook him as he got out the last thing he wanted to say. “I loved her with my entire heart. She was my whole life when I was growing up. I loved her that much and it wasn’t enough to save her in the end.”

“Shh, Magnus,” Raphael said softly as he held him to his chest. Magnus hated that he normally ended up crying by the end of their sessions, but dreaming of her face and trying to decide what to do about Alec brought it all to the surface. It only took him a few moments to gather himself together again, though he still held onto his therapist as tightly as he could. “I”m so sorry you had to watch that Magnus. I”m sorry you have this disease. I”m so sorry she left you. I’m going to do everything I possibly can to make sure you’re alright and that you have a different ending, preferably a very happy ending. It’ll be okay, somehow.”

Magnus knew that Raphael couldn’t possibly promise all of that, but he chose to let himself believe his words. 

“Thank you,” Magnus felt he had to say. “Thank you for being here, for so long now. For not giving up on me even for a minute. For constantly calling or bombarding me at home. You’re great, so great.” 

 

“No thanks needed,” Raphael told him sincerely with one last hug before standing and extending a hand. “Let me buy you some lunch and we’ll talk about some lighter things.”

“I”m craving lobster I think,” Magnus said with a smirk. Raphael laughed and pushed him lightly out the door. 

MBALMBALMBAL

Isabelle Lightwood was famous for her control.

She had used to have control over so many things in her life. She ran the cheerleading squad of twenty-five girls and ten guys. She was feared by her enemies, and loved by so many more. She used to have drive and motivation every single day. She took on more work and responsibility than either of her siblings. She was a focused woman and ready to tackle the world.

Where the hell had she gone?

Now it felt as if she had control over nothing at all in her life. She couldn’t control that her father hated her. She couldn’t control Max tearing himself apart over finding out that their father was sleeping with women like changing underwear. Nor that fact that her school was shot up by some madman by random chance. Nor that Alec got shot and now barely slept anymore. Nor that her father left without a backwards glance or a kiss goodbye. Nor that their mother couldn’t even be bothered to call after the shooting made national news. She could control nothing at all in her life anymore

Other than what she ate, that she could control meticulously.

Only now that wasn’t as in control as she’d like to believe. She had studied nutrition for an entire semester and read countless more articles after becoming cheer captain. She knew all the danger signs of eating disorders so that she could make sure her girls didn’t get any crazy and stupid notions that that would make their lives better. How on earth had she fallen into this trap so far?

The thought of eating made her feel sick, no matter what it was. It made her throat close over and her whole body reject the idea entirely. She felt weak and dizzy and knew that her body needed some kind of supplement or something. She could hardly cheer anymore, and it was affecting her squad badly. Though these days none of them felt very peppy after losing four from the squad after homecoming. She still felt the guilt eating at her when she couldn’t support her team the way she’d always liked to, and always had. Guilt felt like a parasite alive and writhing inside of her at every given moment, and she didn’t know how to make it go away. 

She arrived to the benefit concert early, and alone. Alec was coming a tad later on and Jace was picking up Clary. She had to escape that house that felt suffocating so often now, and that was probably only because if anyone knew about what she was doing they’d be so disappointed. Mike would be even more stressed, which honestly wasn’t fair to him or anyone else. She was hurting her family, but she couldn’t force herself to eat. She physically couldn’t put anything into her mouth. She had tried last night, for a long and torturous hour. She had sat in the kitchen alone when the house was silent and sleeping with her favorite ice cream in front of her. She had stared at it for so long and tried to convince herself to take only a bite. She’d gotten so far as to picking up the spoon, but then her hand had started to shake so badly she’d dropped it to the floor. It was terrifying, but now she felt like she was so alone in this.

“Hi Simon,” She said carefully. Simon was calming to her, and he knew her secret. As a matter of fact he knew all of her secrets. He knew how she felt before she could admit to feeling it. He was amazing, and she absolutely didn’t deserve him. Though he’d made it clear he’d be making his own decisions about who deserved his company and who didn’t. 

“Iz,” He said in a tone she couldn’t read for the life of her. He looked better than he had at school. His shoulders weren’t as tense and his face was relaxed as well. He turned to face her and immediately his face took on a look of concern. She knew she didn’t look good. Her face was drawn and pale. Whatever facade she was keeping, it was about to come to a crashing end. “Izzy, are you….what…?” 

“You look good,” Isabelle said, She felt as though a gust of wind could carry her away if it tried hard enough. “Good being a relative term of course. I’m sorry I haven’t….I haven’t meant to make it seem like I didn’t want to talk to you. I don’t mean to make you my disaster manager. You’re just the only person I know that seems to have it together somewhat anymore.” To her horror her throat had started to close over and tears burned the back of her eyes and her throat. She felt so stupid to be crying here of all places. She hadn’t been at the shooting, nor had she personally known any of the students no longer with them. She was here only to support Alec and Simon as they played. She was here for Clary, who was in therapy and there was a glimmer of hope that she might walk again, and help her come to terms with this and put it behind them. It was just that last night had shaken her badly, and she felt very alone these days dealing with thoughts she didn’t fully understand or want to acknowledge. 

“I don’t mind being your disaster manager,” Simon said with a small shrug. “I’ll be anything for you Isabelle, anything you need me to be.”

“I…” She didn’t know how to tell him how right he’d been. How to say that she needed him more than she ever had before. She took a few steps forward before her knees started to wobble and she felt a wave of dizziness come over her. He didn’t hesitate this time as he took her arm in his hand, his palm warm against her skin. She took a deep breath and tried to form some kind of words to say she needed him. “Simon, I can’t do this anymore. I’m...I’m scared and I don’t want…”

“Are you alright?” He asked, eyes seeing through her and the question much deeper than the usual surface question it was for most people. If she said she wasn’t alright he would know she meant it. 

“No,” She shook her head slightly and let out a sigh when Simon pulled her into his arms securely. He smelled so good and so familiar. HIs arms felt safe, like they’d hold her up as long as she needed. She just needed someone okay enough to listen to her and possibly help. 

“What can I do?” He murmured into her hair, voice ghosting over her ear. She shivered and her mind flashed to soft lips, hands everywhere, and days where she felt so alive. She knew he had to go in a moment, go and play and be the amazing person he was. 

“Do you still love me?” She had to ask, no matter how desperate the question sounded. She had to hear it from his lips, that he loved her even now. Even at this moment when she felt more broken than ever before. 

“Infinitely,” Simon answered instantaneously. It was the perfect answer, absolutely perfect. It was exactly what she needed to hear. He loved her, and she knew he meant it with no conditions attached. “Do you want me to take you to a doctor? You don’t look well Iz. You’ve lost weight again, a lot of it.”

“After this,” She pulled back enough to look into his dark brown eyes. “This is amazing by the way, this concert. It was a brilliant idea. You...you’re amazing Simon.”

“You organized most of it for us,” Simon gave her due credit. “We’re a power couple.” A look of panic briefly crossed his face as he realized what he’d referred to them as.

“We are,” She confirmed, placing a hand gently on his arm. His face lit up like when his dad had given him his first guitar all those years ago. He pulled her to him and kissed her gently, but the passion was clear. It made shivers run over her and goosebumps raise over her arms. 

“I’ll see you after, yeah?” He asked, unwilling to let go of her without an answer.

“I’ll be here,” She told him, feeling a peace inside that she’d been missing. He gave her a bright smile before scooping up his guitar and going to join the band for sound check and prep before the show..

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Alec was in a terrible mood by the time he had to head over to the concert. He’d had a miserable day, and he’d spent it alone. He had woken up to yet another panic attack, but this time Jace and Raphael were both gone so he’d had to come out of it alone. Things hadn’t gotten better after when he remembered about tonight. He remembered Helen and what tonight meant for so many people. He remembered that his father was who knew where with whatever blonde struck his interest this week. 

He remembered that his life sucked.

Simon seemed unusually happy as they set up to play. He wondered what had put his best friend in such a fantastic mood. 

“Care to share with the class?” Alec teased him as Simon breezed by humming and connecting the cords for the speakers. 

“Not yet,” Simon said definitively. “Soon, but not yet. I’m happy over a possibility, not really a sure thing.”

“You’re opening with that fall out boy song?” Alec confirmed with him, the last minute change had hit Simon late last night.

“Yeah,” Simon agreed. “It’s not conventional, but for some reason I’ve always associated it with something like this. It’s about making the most of life more than anything else, and that’s what we all need to remember after we heal from this.”

“Couldn’t agree more,” Alec sighed and tried to shake off his dark mood. He was almost feeling back to a level of normal when William showed up and his decent mood disappeared completely. Magnus was right behind Will as they walked up to say hello and set up. Alec was having trouble breathing properly as all he saw was Magnus and every move the other boy made. He looked perfectly put together and amazing as he always did. His blue shirt popped and brought out the glitter in his hair while his pants were sinfully tight and left nothing to the imagination. Alec could smell him from here and it was making his heart flip over and over again. 

He chose to stay silent as everyone else was talking and laughing. He purposefully avoided Magnus’s gaze, though all he wanted was to do was lose himself in those green eyes again. He missed Magnus, which was a tad ridiculous since they’d only had two official dates, but god they’d had so much more than that. They’d talked and talked so many late nights. They’d shared deep similarities, and Alec didn’t feel like he was crazy around Magnus. They’d related on every level that seemed to matter. His heart was aching being this close to Magnus and not even being able to talk to him. 

“You don’t have to ignore me,” Magnus’s voice was far closer than Alec had expected, making him jump horribly. His heart was in his throat as he straightened up and turned to face Magnus’s beautiful face. 

“Oh, you don’t like the silent treatment?” Alec bit out, tone more scathing that even he could have anticipated. Magnus ignoring him for weeks had certainly grated on his nerves and had made him doubt everything they’d shared these last few months. “Guess what? I don’t like it much either.”

“That isn’t fair,” Magnus said, swallowing a few times. Alec’s eyes followed his adam’s apple as it bobbed and his mouth went dry as he remembered kissing it not so long ago. This was so ridiculous, they hadn’t even broken up. Were they even dating? 

“Isn’t it?” Alec challenged. “Do you know how many people I’ve actually admitted to needing the last four years? The list is pretty short since you’re the only one on it.” His hands were shaking along with his voice. “I never admitted to needing my parents because they’re too caught up in hating each other and all of us by extension. My siblings have their own lives and I never wanted to hold them back from that by needing them. I thought for just one damn time in my life I could admit to needing one person. I thought you were different than everyone else. I thought you understood me, in every way.”

“I can’t be your security blanket,” Magnus bit out harshly. Alec tried not to flinch, but he suspected he failed. “I have way too much going on to deal with your shit too. I am barely keeping myself from drowning each and every day. “

“I hardly need a fucking security blanket,” Alec was furious now and suspected that maybe he hadn’t known Mangus at all. “Don’t you dare make me feel guilty or ridiculous for wanting a hand to hold. That’s all I wanted from you. Someone to be there and hold my hand after I saw Helen’s grave for the first time. I texted you on my way home from that, and you couldn’t even send me a fuck you in reply. Aline still cries herself to sleep most of the time, and you think I can ask her to help me too?”

“You have no idea what’s going on in my life,” Magnus told him, though Alec could see the guilt in his eyes. “I’m sorry about Helen, you know I am. I’m sorry you’re going through this, that all of you are. I just...I don’t think I can be what you want me to be.”

“You’re not as much of a mystery as you make yourself out to be,” Alec rolled his eyes as Magnus’s eyes widened and he folded his arms tightly. “I know you have depression, that much is pretty obvious. I know you’re trying to adjust to being trans, and that it’s got to be hell. I know that you pull away from people when you get sad or anxious. I know you’re going through hell Magnus, and if you’re having a rough day and don’t feel like you can be with me that day then just fucking tell me. I’m not going to be some twelve-year-old and pout because you can’t be there. Silence is worse than anything, absolutely anything.”

“You don’t know what depression is,,” Magnus’s eyes had gone hard with resolve and a deep bitterness. “It’s consuming, and it’s forever. I’m not going to wake up one day five years from now to have it be gone.”

“What are you so afraid of?” Alec felt the need to ask. That’s what he felt like this all boiled down to. Magnus being afraid and pushing him away. “Tell me what scares you so much about being with me. I know you want this as much as I do, but you’re pushing me away as hard as you can.”

“We aren’t going to work,” Magnus finally said after a long moment of silence. Alec felt his heart stop and lead settle into his stomach. “I’ve been thinking it for a few days, and it’s the truth.”

“Magnus, no!” Alec protested vehemently as he stepped forwards to take Magnus’s hand. “We can do this, together. We just need things to calm down for five damn minutes so we can figure things out.”

“It’s not figuring things out,” Magnus said, looking at the ground beneath their feet. “I’m not in a place to be in a relationship right now. I can’t commit to anything like that. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not even asking you to be my boyfriend,” Alec was horribly confused and panic was clutching at him at the thought of losing Magnus. 

“Alec, whatever this is between us needs to end,” Magnus was calm, while everything inside of Alec was raging in hurt chaos. 

“I”m too much to handle,” Alec said softly, keenly reminded of the words Jonathan had told him. 

“Alec, no,” Magnus tried to protest, but Alec knew what his words meant.

“Why are you doing this?” Alec felt tears on his cheeks as he stared at Magnus. “Please, don’t do this. I won’t ask you for anything.”

“Of course you will Alec,” Magnus’s tone was soft now and Alec hated himself for begging. It was instinctual. He’d done it for his father and mother, when they’d both left him. “You need someone who can be there for you for a change. You deserve to demand attention and love. You’re ready to give all of yourself to someone, but I’m not even close to being there yet.”

“We’ve been through a shooting together,” Alec’s mind couldn’t process that this was happening right now. It was unthinkable that this crazy journey with Magnus was being cut this short this abruptly. “We nearly died and you want to end this? That’s just fucking great. You know what? Go and pity yourself for being so damaged that nobody can love you. That’s a bunch of shit I can tell you that already. Have a great life alone.”

Alec turned away from Magnus and stormed off to stand beside Simon, shaking and furious while his heart was breaking at the same time. He did mean what he said, that he didn’t believe for one moment that Magnus could be so broken that they couldn’t make this work. 

“Alec?” Simon’s voice was quiet as his hand touched Alec’s gently. Alec was trying to hold himself together enough to go on stage in a matter of minutes. “Alec, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Alec replied automatically before realizing that wouldn’t really work when he was this visibly upset. “Magnus and I….well let’s just say there isn’t a Magnus and I any longer.”

“Oh God,” Simon’s voice was soft as his hand now enclosed Alec’s completely. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay to sing?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Alec wasn’t sure his answer was completely honest, but it’d have to be. 

“What the hell just happened?” Will demanded as he came up behind them with a confused look on his face. “Fifteen minutes ago Magnus was fine and now he looks like his cat just died.”

“That’s rich,” Alec snorted derisively. “He just broke up with me.”

“What the hell?” Will repeated as he blinked a few times and tried to sort everything out. “He did? Seriously?”

“Okay,” Simon stepped in front of them both and his face was the most serious Alec had likely ever seen it. “Tonight is crazy, no doubt about that. Tonight is not about us though, or any of our personal lives. We’re doing this for everyone out there that’s lost someone. We’re honoring their memories and giving these people a place where it’s okay to grieve and dwell for this moment. Let’s go out there and give them our best music. I”m not saying we have to have huge smiles and jump around the stage, but let’s try and play our absolute best. You guys ready?”

Alec nodded and walked onto the stage where nearly a hundred people were gathered. There were people of all ages there with candles lining the borders of the crowd with countless people holding more. It was a much different feel from any stage he’d ever played on before. He didn’t feel much like a performer, more like some kind of outlet for these people. The candlelight was so much softer than the spotlights at the club they usually played in. Alec let Simon take center stage tonight since this event was his doing with consultation from his sister. Alec’s eyes scanned the crowd and he let a small smile break out seeing Jace, Clary, and Izzy in the back of the crowd. Even if Magnus was stepping away from whatever they could be, he’d never really be alone.

“Hello everyone,” The crowd went silent the moment Simon started to speak. “Thank you for coming, all of you. Tonight is to celebrate those we’ve lost through music. Music touches our hearts in a way very few things can.” He looked down for a moment before he could speak again. “The song I’m opening with isn’t one about death or dying. It’s about celebrating life, at least it is to me. It’s about hanging on to who and what we love with all we’ve got. I found it shortly after my dad died, and I listened to it on repeat the night of his funeral. I want tonight to be about thinking to the lives wer have in front of us, and what we could do a tad differently after seeing how quickly it can be taken from us.”

At Simon’s nod WIll started up on the drums and the field was dead silent. 

“Til your breathing stop, stop, stops,” Simon’s voice rang out clear and chilling. Alec remembered this song playing all night after SImon had to bury his father. “I need more dreams, and less life.”

It was an unconventional song, but somehow it fit this night. It fit the group that had come out tonight in some field with their hearts on their sleeves. Will had tears on his cheeks by the time it was over. Then they proceeded to launch into the submitted songs. Before each song Simon would read off who it was dedicated for and a bit about who they were. Helen’s name was first, and it took SImon three tries before he could get her name out with the song Aline had chosen for them to play. She was backstage as she always, though Alec saw her sink down to the floor as they started up her song. He could barely get the words out through the lump in his throat, and salt was added to the room as his mind went to Magnus as it always did when he was upset. 

The night got a bit lighter as it went on with people slowly talking to one another and even laughing occasionally. Some people in the back were dancing along to the faster songs. It was an amazing way to bring them together amidst loss and destruction. Alec found himself enjoying the show after about five or six songs. 

That was until the happy atmosphere died abruptly when Alec spotted his sister collapse in the back of the small crowd.

She had been smiling and singing along happily when suddenly she stopped and put a hand to her head. Alec’s voice had died immediately and he could only watch as she fell to the ground and he didn’t see her get up again. 

“Isabelle!” Simon’s shout barely registered with him as the other boy vaulted himself off their makeshift stage with WIll on his heels. Alec found that he couldn’t move a muscle, could hardly breathe at all. It felt like he was floating as the crazy events folded out in front of him. Aline was grabbing his arm and saying something to him, but he couldn’t register anything. It felt like he was deep underwater with everything muted and moving so slowly. HIs lips formed words, and whatever he said made Aline jump off their makeshift stage as well to join the melee. Alec numbly walked backstage and sat down on a tree stump. 

The sirens came louder and he was vaulted back in time to the shooting a bit over a month ago. He was taken back to the incredible fear and pain of that night. He was transported back to the moment where Magnus Bane was all that mattered to him in that moment. The moment he pushed Magnus in that classroom to face certain death. Or at least what he’d considered to be certain death. In that moment life had been so clear, and now he felt like he was living in a bubble that he’d created for himself. He’d failed completely this time. He’d failed his baby sister when she’d needed him. Jace and him had talked about this ages ago, and he knew they were right. Isabelle had been sick for a long time, and he ignored it because it suited him. He was more worried about some boy who had left him anyways. He was worried about if his life would ever go back to normal. Those mundane things were more important than confronting Isabelle and helping her fight whatever monster she was facing. 

Soon enough the field was silent again, everyone having left when the ambulance did. His sister was gone and he was left more alone than ever before. His fingers fumbled to grip onto his cell phone and he stared at the screen for far too long. He knew that being alone right now wasn’t a good idea, but he didn’t want to be stuck in the waiting game at the hospital. He didn’t deserve to cry or be concerned about his sister when he’d known. It might have slipped to the back of his mind, but he still knew. 

He called the last person he had left. He called Jonathan Morganstern.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is ending part one of this fic, and hopefully the end of most of the major angst. I never make promises because sometimes these characters just do things without my control. Alec is making some rash and stupid decisions, but he's slowly losing any and all control so please be forgiving. Tensions are high, but it will get better! Thanks guys so much for reading this far into this story and putting up with my sporadic update schedule. I love you guys for leaving kudos and commenting! Happy reading :)

Jonathan had been his saviour before in times long past. He’d been there when Maryse had left and Alec had foolishly thought that was the worst their lives could get. His mother leaving had cut him deeply and he thought that nothing worse could possibly happen. He’d been naive to think that, and the present time only proved that. Now things were so much worse and Jon’s car was black instead of silver this time as he pulled up with a crunch of gravel under the tires. He shouldn’t be here, but it was the only place he could handle being. He couldn’t handle another night in a hospital, waiting to see if his sister would wake up. He wasn’t ready to see his uncle worried and upset all over again. He wasn’t ready for the questions about if he had known about this. He couldn’t handle Magnus maybe being there and not being able to be anywhere near him. He’d thought Magnus was his good thing. Everyone had one good thing happen to them even in the midst of disaster. Alec had thought the universe had let Magnus be his bright point to look to when things got dark. 

His light had gone out and all he saw was darkness surrounding him.

“You….well, I can’t believe we’re here again,” Jon said as his sleek black shoes came to a stop in front of him. He was a breath of fresh air to the rest of the people in his life. Jonathan had never made a big deal of finding him zoned out or crying or whatever state he was in. Alec looked up to see him in a button up shirt and slacks, quite an unusual outfit. 

“Were you in the middle of something important?” Alec found that he could breathe focusing on Jon’s gorgeous face and blonde hair. He was a reminder of better times, and maybe that was all he needed. 

“Just a boring wedding reception of someone I kinda knew,” Jon shrugged and his hand twitched at his side to tell Alec he was lying. The way he could still read Jonathan like a book made him far too happy. What he would give to go back two years ago. 

“Can we go somewhere?” Alec asked him quietly. The cold air had settled in past his shock and he had started to shiver. He hadn’t thought to bring a coat earlier since normally playing made him extremely hot. 

“We can go to my new place,” Jon suggested slowly. Alec looked up into his green eyes and knew that going back to his ex-boyfriend’s place was probably a substantially bad idea. It was also an idea that appealed to him. He could pretend his life was different for just a moment. 

Jon removed his suit jacket and draped it over Alec’s shoulders as Alec stood up slowly. The jacket felt nice and it smelled even better. He trailed behind Jon on the way to his new car. The seats were leather and it was definitely an upgrade from his old beat up car he’d had through high school. He stared out the window at their stupid makeshift stage and tried to piece together how this night had gone so wrong. Performing was always the thing that brought him so much joy. He loved playing music with some of his best friends and making people happy in their crowd. 

It looked like that shooting had taken that from him as well.

“I wanted to call you Alec,” Jon finally broke their peaceful silence and Alec wished he would just shut the hell up. He couldn’t take an emotional conversation about their past or their present right now. He should just open his goddamn mouth and tell Jon to take him to the hospital to see his sister. Isabelle needed him right now, and he couldn’t make himself go. The thought of the scene that would await him made his chest feel tight immediately and slightly nauseous. “I saw the news on the shooting and I was worried. I...I was hoping every night your name wouldn’t show up on that list of people dead.”

“Helen’s name did,” Alec said hollowly. He didn’t think losing one of his best friends would ever feel real to him. It would just keep hurting each and every time he had to be reminded of it. 

“I saw that,” Jon’s hand twitched like it wanted to reach over to Alec, but he kept it where it was on his own knee. “I”m sorry you lost her Alec, that’s awful.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Alec said honestly, his throat and eyes burning. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and instead of looking to see who was calling he found his fingers turning it off. 

“Fair enough,” Jon agreed. Now that silence had fallen again Alec missed the mundane and idle chatter. The silence gave him too much time to think. He thought about his baby sister, and what it would be like if she didn’t wake up. If he lost her like he’d lost everyone else. It would be his fault if she died. He knew she was sick, and yet he’d been too caught up in his own shit to do something about it. She hadn’t woken up as those paramedics loaded her into the ambulance. She’d been pale and still just like Helen had been most likely. He’d missed being there for Helen as well. He’d wasted his time getting shot for some stupid guy who had ended up leaving him too. 

“You still have that boyfriend?” Alec didn’t know what possessed him to ask. He could only remember that the last time they had spoken outside of Bounce night club Jon couldn’t shut up about this new guy in his life. Some guy that was so much simpler than Alec could ever be. He wasn’t sure his life was capable of being simple.

“Ah, no, we split up around Halloween,” Jon said. “I haven’t spoken to him since.”

“He didn’t last long,” Alec commented.

“He wasn’t so great,” Jon pulled into the parking lot of a much nicer apartment complex than Alec had seen in the pictures when they’d been together. Something had happened, something good.

“New car and new place?” Alec looked up at the well kept building admiringly. “What have you got going on?”

“I dropped out of school,” Jon said and Alec had to whirl around to gape at him. “My dad got me a position in his company. It’s a pretty good one and it pays nice. They own the complex and the car my dad gave me when I got the job.”

“Holy shit,” Alec said as he followed Jon up the back stairs to the second floor. These weren’t top notch, but they were pretty nice. “I guess the scholarship thing didn’t end up mattering that much.”

“What your dad did was still a shit thing to do,” Jon undid his tie and the top three buttons on his shirt. Alec couldn’t help letting his eyes flicker to the skin revealed. Jon had always been attractive, and his new single status made it that much harder to ignore. 

“Not as shit as walking out on us the night our school got shot up,” Alec was relieved to take the glass of whiskey Jon poured the both of them. 

“No fucking way,” Jon had to pause in shock for a moment before he topped the glass bottle. “He seriously walked out on you guys? Are you going to stay with Maryse now?”

“Are you kidding?” Alec scoffed before downing the glass in one go. “She wants us less than dad did. She’d never want us out in Cali with her. She’s busy being a bitch to a bunch of bimbo models. My parents gave up on being parents just a few years too early.”

“Holy shit,” Jon shook his head and refilled Alec’s glass. “That’s messed up.”

Alec let the silence fall between them as Jon turned on some movie on Netflix and settled next to him on the couch. He tried to let his mind clear and focus on the dumb movie in front of him. He wanted to forget, just for a little while, all the problems constantly building up around him. Then some guy came on screen and he looked just a bit like Magnus, with the same hair and the same green eyes. He wasn’t as tall or as gorgeous as Magnus was, but it was enough to make Alec’s heart ache and his throat tighten. Magnus had really walked away from him. He was gone and Alec might never get to hear him giggle again or see him smile in that unguarded way that made his stomach flip. He wasn’t ever going to have Magnus in his bed again, even if he’d only had it that one time. Magnus was so beautiful and he made Alec feel things he never had, not even with the man next to him right now. 

“Am I ever going to stop being too much to handle?” Alec spoke his thought aloud as it circled his mind. He didn’t want to admit that Jon had hurt him deeply with that statement two months ago, but apparently it had never truly left his mind. 

“Alec,” Jon’s voice was quiet and clearly his attention wasn’t truly on the movie either. “I never should have said that to you. It wasn’t fair to you.”

“You were right though,” Alec said, the lump in his throat becoming painful. “Nobody wants me. I’m too much for anyone to handle.”

“No,” Jon paused their show and his face looked pained when he saw Alec was on the verge of tears. He took Alec’s hand gently in his and laced their fingers together. “You just need life to stop trying to tear you apart. I didn’t deserve you when we were together. I was selfish and caught up in my own goals. It wasn’t you, and I was wrong to say it. Relationships aren’t easy, no matter who it’s with.”

“Magnus left me,” Alec confessed and somehow this time it hurt much more than it did when he told Simon. Tears started to fall as the pain finally hit him. “He told me I needed too much. I asked him for too much and he left. Everybody always leaves and I can’t handle it anymore.”

“It has nothing to do with you,” Jon said as he scooted closer to Alec. “Don’t take this on yourself. You can’t control what other people do. If this Magnus guy left, that’s on him and his problems. You are enough Alexander, for who you are.”

“Why couldn’t you say any of this when we were together?” Alec asked bitterly. He tried to wipe the tears away with his free hand, but they were falling too quickly. He was so tired of crying, and screaming, and throwing up, and the stress he had to take on. He was tired from not sleeping, and from never getting a break anymore. 

“I should have,” Jon’s hand came to rest on his cheek and make Alec meet his eyes. “I should have told you what you meant to me, and realized it before I broke it off with you. I should have been there for you this year.”

It was the way Jon looked at him that made Alec do it. 

Before he could even think of what he was doing Alec kissed Jonathan hard and fast. He brought his hands up to cradle Jon’s head in his hands as he dipped his tongue between Jon’s surprised open mouth. It felt so good and at the same time so terribly wrong. Jon wasn’t as slender as Magnus, and his hair wasn’t nearly as soft. His body felt wrong under Alec’s hands, but once Jon adjusted to the shock and started to touch him back he forgot about everything except for this moment. He let himself feel each and every moment the kiss lasted. He gasped as Jon’s cold fingers touched his skin for the first time in so long. 

“Alec,” Jon moaned his name hoarsely as Alec straddled him effortlessly. Their groins met and the friction caused his whirring thoughts to stutter to a halt. The friction felt amazing against his hardening cock in his jeans. This was something he was good at, something he didn’t have to think about. Making Jon scream his name was something he had been able to do for ages now. He knocked Jon’s wandering hands away, positioning them so they were lying on the couch and pinning Jon’s hands above his head. His kisses turned light and teasing as one hand started to undo the buttons on his shirt. 

“Should we see if I can still make you scream my name?” Alec murmured against his neck as he bit the most sensitive places. 

“Fuck,” Jon swore, his hips jerking erratically as Alec’s tongue slid over the place he had bitten. “Alec, fuck, I missed this.”

“You used to be so good for me,” Alec was now caught up in memories as he remembered many long nights discovering Jonathan’s body in every way he could think of. 

“Stop teasing,” Jon begged as Alec’s tongue trailed down to his nipples, all the while pinning Jonathan’s hands above his head. He swirled his tongue around each nipple and blew on them gently. He loved being in control over someone, something this way. He studied every inch of skin under him with delight before trailing kisses over his stomach and didn’t hesitate to undo Jon’s belt with his teeth. 

“I guess I still got it,” Alec said with a smirk as he finished with the button and zipper in the same manner.

“You’re so hot when you do that,” Jon had his hands free at last now and he didn’t hesitate to put them in Alec’s hair possessively.

“And when I suck your cock,” Alec said confidently as he gently took out Jon’s member and cupped it in his hands. He was already hard as a rock and precome was starting to form at the tip. Alec lapped it up tenderly and felt proud as Jon made a noise that he couldn’t even identify as his head flopped back.against the couch. He bent down to take Jon in his mouth and moaned instantly at the warmth and familiar weight on his tongue. 

“Fucking yes,” Jon’s hands tightened in his hair as his hips bucked upwards again. Alec took it in stride and took himi down to the base while his hand fondled his balls, rolling them gently in his hand. 

In that moment of course his mind had to remind him of a dream he’d had only last week about doing this to Magnus. How Magnus might look during his first blow job. How his pretty green eyes would roll back in his head and his long fingers would scratch deliciously at his scalp. The sounds he’d make the first time Alec’s tongue touched him. How he’d make it last longer and make it so good for Magnus’s first time. 

Alec did his best not to choke on the cock already in his mouth and fight the urge to throw up violently. He should tell Jon he had to stop. He should get him off with his hands like he used to when they first started messing around. He should let himself feel this instead of pushing it away so vigorously.

“Fuck me,” Alec said instead, ignoring every reasonable thought in his head. His own voice was hoarse and he took off his own pants in record time. “Please Jon, I need you.”

“You don’t have to ask twice,” Jon grabbed him and brought him in for a rough kiss as he switched up their positions so that Alec was the one sprawled on the couch with his legs spreading naturally. It worked for the moment to block out Magnus from his mind as he could only focus on Jon pushing two fingers into him eagerly, hitting his prostate immediately. Before long Jonathan was fucking him without abandon and Alec finally felt free from all the thoughts that plagued him. His mind was blissfully blank for the moment until his orgasm was over and he was lying on the couch with Jonathan draped over him lazily with their bodies still joined together. 

What the fuck had he just done?

Was he really this desperate that he had sex with someone he didn’t love? Jon was nothing more than someone in his past. He was someone who had been there a long time ago, but now things had changed. He was an awful person, truly. What the hell was he doing here? Why wasn’t he with his sister? Why couldn’t he ever make the right choice just once? His sister could be dying tonight. She probably wasn’t, but she might. Magnus was probably there when he wasn’t. Magnus, his name brought a stab of pain so sharp it took his breath away momentarily. Magnus was all he wanted, not Jonathan. Jon could no longer give him anything that he needed. He had asked for this, and yet he felt so sick to his stomach. He had just wanted to escape, but now reality was back with a vengance. 

“Alec?” Jon’s voice drifted to him from what seemed like miles away. He curled in on himself the moment Jon shifted to pull out of him. He felt like was completely falling apart yet again. He couldn’t handle it anymore, any of it. “Alec, hon, are you crying?” A soft kiss was pressed to his shoulder as Jon hovered over him. He still seemed to be experiencing an out of body phenomenon. He was fading in and out of reality as he felt his face wet and his chest heaving, but the next minute he was lost in his head again and the thoughts were whirring too fast to even make much sense. His body felt numb and his eyes couldn’t focus on anything. 

“Alec, babe, are you alright?” Jon was laying a blanket over him as he crouched by his head. “Can you talk to me? What’s the matter?”

“Ngh,” Alec couldn’t form words and it felt almost like a panic attack, but he couldn’t feel it as intensely. He had no idea what was going on, but he was starting to get scared. Jon’s paler than usual face hardly helped matters. 

“Morganstern if you have my brother in there I swear to god I’ll kill you!” A pounding on the door accompanied the shouted words from outside. The loud noise seemed to shock Alec out of whatever state he was in a bit as he felt his body once again His chest was tight and he was shivering under this blanket. Jace was at the door and he was laying here naked and this was turning into a living hell. He wanted to get up and frantically grab his clothes like he had so many times before when Jace had forgotten any sense of respect towards him or his private life. . His body wouldn’t listen to him, and he continued to lay there completely out of it. Jace was probably terrified with Izzy in the hospital. He’d been through just as much as Alec had these last few months and more than enough nights in a hospital. 

“He’s over here,” Jon’s voice drifted back to his awareness and he must have left to get her door without Alec even noticing. “He...he isn’t himself.”

“You shouldn’t have fucked him into your couch you moron,” Jace snarled at Jonathan as he pushed him out of the way before he dropped to Alec’s side. 

“Jace,” Alec finally got out his brother’s name after a few tries and concentrating inordinately hard. “I”m...I…” That seemed to be as much as he could say.

“Alec, get up and get dressed,” Jace said calmly as he pulled the blanket off of him. Alec shakily obeyed and knew Jace was going to give him hell. He didn’t get a chance to say two words to Jonathan before Jace had marched him out the door and to his car. He knew he wasn’t okay, but as usual none of them were. Jace made sure he was buckled in before storming around to his own side of the car. The door slammed as Jace got behind the wheel and took a few deep breaths.

“Jace, I just wanted…” Alec didn’t know how to explain why Jace had found him at Jon’s place. “How did you find me?”

“Mike is freaking the hell out so I had to trace your phone records as a last effort,” Jace snarled, looking absolutely furious. “He had to waste his time worrying about you when his niece was unconscious on a bed. She won’t wake up and we had to waste time worrying about you.”

“I’m..” Alec knew he should apologize, but he couldn’t find the words inside of him. He wasn’t sorry for not hopping in that ambulance. He still didn’t want to go.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Jace shouted at him, still not putting the car in drive. “Why didn’t you come with Simon or Will? Why did I find you with this asshole?”

“I couldn’t handle seeing her,” Alec said quietly.

“Oh, okay Robert,” Jace said scathingly. “Just because you can’t handle something let’s just ignore it’s happening or existing completely.”

“Don’t you dare use him against me,” Alec’s attention quickly focused as Jace threw his father’s name in his face. “How could you even bring his name up?”

“When you act just like him then I’ll use his name,” Jace countered. “That’s what he did for years. He wasn’t present for anything he didn’t want to be happening.”

“We knew Jace,” Alec found himself screaming. “We knew months ago what was happening to her and we have done nothing! It’s our fault she’s in there! How do you want me to face this, face Mike, when we knew?”

“You deal!” Jace screamed in return. “You show up and you be there for the people you love! Thsi isn’t about you this time! This is about our sister!”

“It’s never about me!” Alec found himself saying a truth he’d always kept buried deep inside. “I never get to make anything about me! For the last two years It’s always about everyone else! I can’t deal with anything else Jace! I can’t do it anymore! I can’t deal with panic attacks every night and my best friend being dead forever and my dad leaving us and Max’s anger and your being gone constantly and Izzy not eating! You can’t keep asking me to take on your shit! I feel like I’m going crazy! People just keep on leaving and I can’t do anything to make them stay!” His throat was raw after his rant and the silence echoed between them. He couldn’t remember the last time he really and truly fought with Jace. They had always been a united front against everything else. He was crying again and he was so angry and his emotions were so beyond his control. “Don’t you dare compare me to Robert. He made it so I’m like this. This is his fucking fault that any of us are like this! How the fuck do you think Izzy got it in her head that she wasn’t enough the way she was? Robert did this to her, so don’t you fucking dare make me out like him.”

“Okay, okay, I”m sorry,” Jace seemed to calm down in the face of his screaming. “That was out of line.”

“You think?” Alec snapped. They drove in silence back to the city and as they pulled into the hospital parking lot Alec felt sick to his stomach as he remembered the last reason he was here. Jace got out and sighed irritably when Alec made no move to get out of the car. 

“Get out, we’re going in there,” Jace told him firmly.

“Fuck off Jace,” Alec replied as he stared at his knees. “I”m not going in there. I won’t go in there and pretend I had no idea what’s been happening.”

“Nobody is asking you to do that,” Jace said, tugging on his arm.

“I said fuck off,” Alec snapped, jerking his arm away. Jace huffed and slammed the car door shut. Alec was sore from his stupid actions earlier and he felt generally like a piece of dirt under these tires. He had made all the wrong choices this year, and now he was paying for it. He just wanted to be alone, he was better off that way.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Magnus Bane had never been so out of his element as he stood staring at Alexander’s hunched form. He had been sent out here to get Alec to come inside and see his sister. Jace obviously had no idea what had happened just before the concert. Isabelle was stable they were told, but she hadn’t woken up yet. That beautiful girl had been suffering for so long, and he had never known. He had been watching her dance earlier tonight. She didn’t know either that he broke her brother’s heart into pieces. 

He had to get Alec to come inside. Yeah, that would work so well.

He sighed as he played with Jace’s keys and slowly walked across the parking lot. He felt like he was walking toward a firing squad more than anything. The last thing Alec had said to him was to have a nice life alone. He’d been without Alec for only about four hours and he hated it already. He felt like he had a hand missing, but he knew he deserved it at the same time. He deserved to feel this way. He had broken things off and broken Alec’s heart. He had brought this on himself. 

Alec’s head snapped up as he clicked the button to unlock the doors. Their eyes met and Alec’s blue eyes turned hard as ice as they locked on him. Magnus swallowed hard as he climbed in on the driver’s side and shut the door.

“My brother sent you?” The amount of anger in Alec’s voice was something he wasn’t prepared for. 

“He didn’t know,” Magnus supplied. “He needs you in there.”

“Well, we don’t always get what we need,” Alec said bitterly. “I never fucking do.”

 

“Where did you go?” Magnus asked. This was apparently the wrong thing to ask since Alec’s eyes snapped to his again ,but Magnus saw his hands start to shake. 

“I went and fucked my ex,” Alec’s answer was blunt and his voice was tight with anxiety. Magnus knew he was anxious the moment he’d sat down. Not a full blown attack, but it was building back up to it again. He wanted to deny that it hurt to hear that Alec had fallen in bed with someone hours after they’d broken things off, but he couldn’t. Magnus sighed and got back to focusing on the task at hand.

“Isabelle is okay,” Magnus told him quietly. “She’s stable and the doctors gave her an IV so we just have to wait for her to wake up.”

“I don’t really know why the hell you’re here,” Alec wouldn’t look at him, but it was clear he was hurt, angry, and upset beyond belief. “You weren’t here for any other crisis this year. You don’t want to deal with my shit and yet here you are in the middle of it. Don’t you have your depression to focus on?”

“That isn’t something you can throw in my face,” Magnus snapped at him.

“Actually when it’s the reason you break up with me I can,” Alec snapped in return. 

“We were never fucking dating,” Magnus regretted it the moment he said it. It was technically true, but in so many ways it wasn’t. They may not have labeled themselves as anything, but what else could they be? Tonight had certainly felt like a break up, and he missed Alec like it was a break up. You couldn’t break up if you weren’t dating in the first place. 

“Get the hell out,” Alec said, folding his arms tightly. He was on the verge of losing control, and Magnus hated seeing him like this. He knew this was one thing too many to deal with. 

“You should come be with your family,” Magnus tried to keep his voice gentle and soothing. 

“Don’t talk to me like the boyfriend you never were,” Alec said with tears in his voice. “If you want to dump me, then do it. But don’t come back around and take that tone with me. You don’t get to help me with this. I don’t want you anywhere near her. Near any of this. Get your own life Magnus.”

That shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did.

He did have his own life in a way, but now it was so tangled with Alec’s it was hard to tell the difference. He was close with Alec’s sister and his mentor was in there as well. Raphael was practically Alec’s guardian now. It was all a great, huge, awful mess. 

“Look, Alec,” Magnus had his heart in his throat and he could no longer look at Alec, stiff in his seat and his breaths coming quickly. He was anxious and panicked and falling apart while all Magnus could do was sit with these three feet between them and he couldn’t do a damn thing to help. He couldn’t touch Alec or hold him through this. He had made his choice, but right now as they stared out into the darkness of the parking lot he wasn’t convinced it was the right thing. “I know you hate me. I don’t blame you. I know you don’t understand how I could do this. You are dealing with this anxiety and it’s consuming. I know how it is to be consumed by your own mind. Don’t shut your family out, please. Go be there for them. Go hold your sister and tell her you love her more than anything. This might not be the family picture you wanted, but it’s all you have. I understand, I do.”

“Stop saying you understand from all the way the fuck over there!” Alec had started to cry, but his voice was strong and angry as ever. “Your understanding doesn’t do shit for me when you want to walk away.” Alec finally fixed his gaze on him and Magnus wanted to leave the car, but he felt frozen. “You’re right though, I do hate you for this. I hate you for coming into my life and making it better for just a little while and then taking it all away. If you understand so much, then you would know that I need you.”  
“I can’t have anyone need me right now,” Magnus felt the familiar feeling of panic clutch him that he’d felt after Alec’s text message. 

“That’s what’s truly fucked up about you,” Alec seethed. “Everyone in your life needs you. Your friends need you and so does Raphael, whatever you two are to one another. When you care for people you need them, it’s just the way it works. I don’t know how nobody seems to get that, but it’s not so hard. You can’t live without someone needing you, even if they won’t say it to your face the way I did. My dad thought nobody needed him, and look at how we’ve all fallen completely apart since he left. Max won’t stop crying. Isabelle cared so much what he thought that she destroyed herself over him. I...I’m barely coping at all and I hated him. Our father was the worst in the world and we still needed him. You have a lot of shit to sort out Magnus, but your depression isn’t one of them. Get away from me, and stop making this worse.”

“FIne,” Magnus got out as he sprang out of the car just before his own tears started to fall. Alec was right, but he didn’t know how to fix it. He was scared of intimacy, terrified of it. It didn’t matter who it was, it could be anyone in his life. He took space from everyone in his life until some distance had been created. Alec was someone he could never have, never deserve. 

He shivered as he entered the waiting room and was grateful Raphael was standing on the outside of the circle of people waiting for Izzy to wake up. Simon was a complete mess with Aline holding himi as tightly as she possibly could. Alec’s family were sitting together, and Raphael was standing behind Mike with his hands on his boyfriend’s shoulders. Raphael was always so strong, and Magnus could only hope to return the favor maybe. 

“Raphael,” Magnus said quietly, his voice was shaky and hoarse. . He was trying hard not to let any more tears fall. He didn’t need to fall apart when he’d done this to himself. Besides, there was so much more going on than some drama between himself and Alexander. 

“Magnus, there you are,” Raphael smiled at him briefly before concern again took on his features. There was no other way Raphael looked at him these days it seemed. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Magnus shook his head stubbornly, even while knowing Raphael knew him much better than that. “I need you to go see Alec. I can’t...He won’t listen to me. He needs to be here with his family. I can’t talk to him.”

“What’s going on with you two?” Raphael asked quietly. He saw Magnus wasn’t about to answer in front of everyone. He leaned down to whisper something to Mike and kiss his temple before he followed Magnus to the automatic doors. 

“His anxiety is really bad and he isn’t having an attack, but he isn’t okay either. He needs someone to tell him it’ll be okay, but that person isn’t me.” Magnus looked at the ground rather than at Raphael’s face as he told him the truth. “I broke things off with Alec. Right before the concert I ended things. It’s over between us.”

“Magnus,” Raphael said in a tone Magnus truly couldn’t read. He still avoided Raphael’s gaze as he slowly took a few steps backwards. He knew Raphael thought he was jumping the gun on things. He knew Raphael had more faith in him than Magnus could ever hope to have in himself. 

“I know you think I’m stupid for doing it,” Magnus knew his tone was very close to being hysterical, and he wanted a minute to get this under his control. “I know you think I’m sabotaging a good thing, but I had to break it off with him. I just...I couldn’t...and I felt like I needed….I miss him so much already.”

“Shh,” Raphael was oddly quiet about what he thought as he pulled Magnus into a hug. Normally how things went between them followed a distinct pattern. Magnus would vent his problems and his decisions while Raphael always broke down his problems to seem simpler and mostly told him how stupid his decisions were. This passive comfort was a bit unusual. “I’m so sorry Magnus.”

It was exactly what he needed.

He let himself accept the simple comfort before pulling away and gazing to Alec’s bowed head. “Please, go be with him. He really isn’t okay right now. I...I”m going home.”

“You should call Will for a ride at least,” Raphael suggested softly.

“I want to walk and clear things in my head. It’s been a long night. Text me if Izzy wakes up?” Magnus offered Raphael a small smile, the best he could do right now.

“You got it,” Raphael reached out to squeeze his shoulder for a moment before jogging over to the car Alec was still thankfully huddled in. Magnus only watched long enough to see Raphael disappear into the car before he sighed and headed home alone.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this chapter done for a week or more now, but I was going to add more before realizing that there was no better place to end a chapter. So this one is a bit shorter and I feel like not a whole lot happens, but at the same time lots has happened. I've seen a lot of you are angry at Magnus, and that kind of makes me happy? That means I'm writing a fleshed out character that doesn't always make the best choices. He'll start being less frustrating soon guys. Lots of people commented last chapter and it was amazing!!!!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I love reading comments, it makes me so happy. Alec isn't making the best choices this chapter, but he's doing his very best. Next chapter we are going back to malec interactions, and not ones that make you want to tear your heart out. Thanks again for your comments and support and it means so much. Here on out should mean happier days coming slowly but surely. You guys have ridden out a lot of angst, so I think you deserve some fluffy times for a while. 
> 
> Brief mention of self harm, but it won't be a big thing in this fic. But Trigger Warning if self harming is something that bothers you. It's literally a sentence, and it's near the end of the chapter so just be careful please please please. 
> 
> Happy Reading :) And Happy Cinco de Mayo!!!

Aline really needed to learn to stock up on alcohol if she was going to throw a party.

Alec had managed to snag a beer, but the supply was quickly gone in the matter of less than two hours. Aline had decided to throw a party the night Thanksgiving break officially began as a way to break them out of their new routines of going home and moping. Well, at least that’d been Alec’s routine lately. Jace wasn’t speaking to him, even two weeks after their stupid fight in his car. His uncle had been furious after they’d finally told him that they’d known about Izzy’s new diet plan. His sister was doing outpatient therapy Monday through Friday so she could still go to school and try to graduate on time. She hated it so much, but so far Alec was glad she was at least sticking with it. 

The porch door opened behind him and Alec fought not to visibly wince. He had come to the party against his better judgement. He wasn’t much in the party mood, but the atmosphere at home was suffocating to say the least. He wanted to be somewhere that he could breathe. He’d be spending the night, but first he had to wait for the party part to die off. 

“Are you hiding out here?” Aline’s voice reached him and Alec let himself relax again. He could always handle her presence no matter what was going on in his life. 

“Somewhat hiding,” Alec replied as she leaned on the railing next to him. She stole his beer for a long sip, but as usual pulled a face at the taste.

“I forget you drink beer around Jonathan,” She said, almost throwing the bottle back into his hand. “Also, our friends are alcoholics apparently if given half the chance.”

“You don’t know how to stock for a proper party,” Alec swirled the amber liquid, not wanting it to be gone too quickly. “Thanks for being civil to him, Jon I mean.”

“So, you two are back at it then?” Aline’s tone was perfectly neutral, which was a far cry from his siblings when they had found out. Jace was still furious with Alec for being in Jon’s presence, and Isabelle hadn’t seemed happy about it either. Max wasn’t sure what to feel about anything these days, but support was definitely nowhere to be found.

“I don’t know,” Alec ran a hand down his face and tried to form the complete answer he knew his best friend wanted. “I’ve slept with him a few times these last few weeks, but it’s not like we’ve talked about what we are.”

“You brought him tonight,” Aline pointed out as she laid a hand on his arm. “Just so you know I’m not on the team hating Jonathan. I hate that he hurt you, but the circumstances were complicated. Is he your Magnus rebound though? Rebounds never work out well, babe.”

“You invited Lydia Bramwell,” Alec countered, his eyes studying her. “That’s new.”

“She….well, she became my friend after everything happened and you were out of commission, ” Aline shrugged and dropped her gaze to the wood below them. 

“She’s bi,” Alec said gently. “She’s also very interested judging by the way she keeps staring at you.”

“Yeah….she, well she’s also a good friend,” Aline shrugged again. She swallowed a few times before being truly honest. “She’s interested, but I can’t… It hasn’t even been two months yet.”

“Helen wouldn’t be mad if you have a new friend,” Alec told her.

“Magnus is going to be pissed when he finds out you’re back with Jon,” Aline countered with a slight giggle. Alec rolled his eyes, denying the pang Magnus’s name caused. They were both quiet for a moment, listening to the sounds of the party behind them. 

“I honestly thought I’d find Simon out here instead of you,” Aline admitted. Alec ended up drinking the last of his beer and looking mournfully at the bottom of the bottle. “He’s...have you gotten to talk to him?”

“Not really,” Alec admitted, guilt starting to form. “What even happened with him and Izzy the night of the show? I was kind of caught up in Magnus breaking up with me to ask.”

“Your sister did what she always does, break his heart,” Aline said bitterly. “The only thing about this time is I don’t think she meant to. She kissed him right before you guys went on stage. SImon said they were going to work things out.” 

“Fuck,” Alec swore, only imagining how Simon must have taken that. He’d lost Izzy nearly six months ago, onty to get her back for a moment and lose her all over again. “She hasn’t mentioned a word.”

“I can’t believe she was anorexic,” Aline’s voice was hushed in the still air of the cold night. “I vented about her so many times over what she did to Simon, and Helen always told me to give her the benefit of the doubt.”

“Helen was always smart about people,” Alec thought the words might choke him as he forced them out. Talking about Helen would require much more alcohol. “Thanks for checking on me Aline. I’m okay though, it’s just been a lot to process.”

“Is Jace speaking to you yet?” Aline asked one last question, turning to go back inside. 

“Not yet,” Alec admitted. “He’s pissed, and so is Michael. My family kind of hates me right now. Raphael speaks to me funnily enough, but that’s about it. Isabelle is always gone now between half days at school and then that therapy center.”

“Come inside with me,” Aline tugged on his arm gently. “You need to come have some fun, and your man is inside.”

“He isn’t mine,” Alec shook his head, but he let her tug him towards the door. “I’m not ready to date Jon yet. I just...like having him around.”

“He is pretty to look at,” Aline gave him a wicked smirk and Alec laughed as they entered the crowded basement again. Aline’s parents left every single weekend for their cabin they rented about two hours away, so the house was theirs until Sunday night. Not that they had any friends that were too party crazy. There were a bunch of people from school, some closer than others. It was a good size party, big enough to get lost in but not suffocating. Most people wouldn’t stay more than a couple of hours anyways. 

He latched onto Jonathan’s arm as time went on and Simon came over to talk with them and Alec felt like time had reversed somehow. He was okay again with his friends, his dad never left, his best friend hadn’t died, and his sister and Jace were happily in love with their respective lovers. They weren’t all a mess. He found himself laughing again without forcing it for the first time in months. But of course, it had to come to a crashing halt by Magnus Bane walking in the room. 

Alec wished his heart had stopped because Magnus looked beautiful and happier than ever. He spotted Magnus walking in with Will and Tessa and his heart stopped at the look in Magnus’s eyes. They looked so sad, and so empty. He looked thin and his clothes were baggy instead of the designer ones Alec loved to see. He hovered behind Will and didn’t speak to a single person unless someone greeted him personally. He should feel satisfied that Magnus felt so miserable, but instead he just felt like dying where he stood. He was angry that Magnus was acting this way, but he couldn’t make himself feel any sort of satisfaction at Magnus’s pain. He let go of Jon’s arm, but it wasn’t fast enough to avoid Magnus catching a glimpse of them. Alec had every right to be with anyone he wanted, and he even had the right to flaunt that in Magnus’s face if he liked, but he still felt overwhelmingly guilty. 

Will’s eyes flashed as he followed Magnus’s gaze to where Alec stood close to Jonathan with Simon fiddling with the radio behind them. 

“Isn’t that your ex?” Jon muttered to him, bending down slightly. Alec could only nod mutely, suddenly afraid what kind of fallout was about to happen. “Should we make him insanely jealous for losing you?”

“Um,” Alec stalled, wondering why revenge didn’t even seem like an option right now. Tension fell over the room quickly as Will stalked towards them, despite Tessa telling him to leave well enough alone. Magnus looked mortified as he realized where Will was going and that he had to follow unless he wanted to be stuck with strangers. 

“Well, you sure moved on fast, didn’t you?” Will asked scathingly as he took in the two of them together. He was speechless to even argue the point as he stood here with Jon’s arm slowly twining around his waist. Will’s nostrils flared in fury at the sight. “After you made Magnus feel like complete shit for doing what he needed to, I see you already on the arm of another guy? You’re awfully torn up inside, aren’t you Alec?”

“Hey,” Aline was the one to speak shortly before Alec could. “Magnus broke things off here. Second, I didn’t even invite you three to my party for this particular reason. I don’t care that you’re here really, but don’t you dare come in here starting shit. Break-ups are messy and there is no reason to make things any worse.”

“You like needy little bitches then?” This time Will’s comment was directed towards Jonathan. Alec felt Jon’s arm tense up and grabbed his hand before he could move. 

“Don’t do this Will,” Alec said quietly, trying not to plead. “Jon...I’m not dating him. We’re….it’s complicated. He’s a friend right now. I..I’m trying to understand what Magnus did, but my life is just as messed up as his is right now.”

“You think you can even compare to him you little shit?” Will’s anger wasn’t abating in the slightest. 

“Don’t talk to him like that!” Jon and Magnus had spoken in unison in his defense. Alec seriously wanted the ground to swallow him right now. The rest of the guests were starting to notice the commotion going on in the corner by the radio and were starting to stare. 

“Will, don’t start a scene,” Tessa’s soft voice broke in as she laid a hand on Will’s shoulder. 

“How do I not?” Will demanded of her. “How do I not tell Alec what an ass he is when I’ve had Magnus in my bed for the last week crying his eyes out? He didn’t even-”

“Shut the fuck up,” Magnus finally spoke, his voice shaking but firm as he glared at his best friend. His voice turned Alec’s insides into jelly so they jiggled around unpleasantly. He also didn’t want to think too closely about Magnus sobbing over anything, let alone the loss of what they could have been. He wished the anger he’d felt at the hospital would come back right about now. “What happened wasn’t Alec’s fault and you know it. It was my fault, and only my fault. He didn’t do anything wrong here. He’s free to be with whoever he wants.” He finally looked at Alec fully and it made Alec stop breathing yet again. He hadn’t seen those beautiful green eyes for two weeks and he’d missed them so much. They always looked into his soul instead of through him or stopping at the surface. 

Alec watched Magnus grab Will’s arm and drag him back out the door they’d just walked through forcefully. Tessa apologized to Aline as quickly and sincerely as she could as she followed the two boys out. Aline waved her off, but her glare stayed at the door for a long moment after they’d left. She spun on her heel and took one look at Alec’s face before shouting.  
“Alright, everyone except VIP members out! Party is officially over!” Alec gave her a grateful grin as everyone started gathering their stuff and moving out the door slowly. He took a shaky breath and sank down on the couch. 

“That was some scene,” Jon said as he sat down close enough on the couch for them to touch shoulders to knees. Alec knew their rekindled intimacy was entirely his fault, but he desperately needed space when his head was spinning like this and he’d just seen Magnus for the first time up close and personal since the hospital. He’d had sex with Jon a couple of times since the night Jace had found them, but he refused to even think about what it meant. 

“Let’s give Alec some space, okay?” Simon was behind them with both hands on Alec’s shoulders. He sagged into the touch and closed his eyes for a moment before looking back at Jon.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” Alec promised him. “I’m okay, I promise.”

“Alright,” Jon said after looking him over. He leaned down to kiss Alec’s cheek before thanking Aline and leaving. The minute the door closed behind him it seemed easier to breathe. 

“I saved you the last of the rum,” Simon said triumphantly as he poured a small glass. “After that hellstorm you need it.”

“Who the fuck does Will Herondale think he is?” Aline ranted as she started throwing trash in a bag. “Magnus goes and breaks up with you and his best friend thinks he can come attack you? Is he a complete moron?”

“Can we not talk about this?” Alec pleaded with his friends, downing the half glass in one go. “Seeing Magnus was hell and he looked like hell and this fucking sucks.”

“Why does he look like hell?” Simon asked as he sat down next to Alec. Alec sighed as he leaned forwards and set the glass down. Aline came to sit on his other side, most of the party damage controlled for the time being. 

“Because he’s an idiot,” Aline said vehemently. “I don’t get why he had to show up to cause a scene.”

“He didn’t want to do it,” Alec said with a sigh. His heart ached and so did his head. He wished he could just text Magnus and tell him that it was okay. It was okay to hurt and to bleed and to love someone enough to let them go. “He didn’t want to walk away from me. I don’t agree with him about why he did it. I don’t think his depression should be something we can’t deal with, but he was going crazy being with me. I was...hurting him more than helping. He’s killing himself for me, and I can’t do a single thing to help.”

“Love sucks,” Simon said succinctly. Aline and Alec both made noises of agreement as they got more comfortable. 

“What the hell are you doing with Jon?” Aline asked after a moment. “I don’t mean that in a ‘I hate Jon’ kind of way, but more of a ‘it isn’t okay to use people’ kind of way. I think he wants to be back together with you. He’s treating you even better now than he did when you dated him.”

“He’s worried about me,” Alec ran a hand through his hair and tried to fight the guilt nagging at him. “I don’t blame him. I’ve been going crazy lately with everything.”

“Jace will come around,” Simon told him earnestly. “He’s your brother and he will come around. Izzy….she’s going to be alright in the end.”

“She kissed you,” Alec turned to grin at Simon. “You guys might work this out.”

“I’m letting her come to me when she’s ready,” Simon returned his grin tentatively. “I think you might be right though. We’re going to work this out.”

“Meanwhile I get to feel sick every time a girl even looks at me,” Aline didn’t say it in a way to bring them down, but it fit their honest banter. “I’m doomed to be forever alone.”

“Like we’d let that happen,” Alec bumped her shoulder with his and took her hand. “We’ll let you grieve for a while, but not forever.”

“Thanksgiving is day after tomorrow,” Simon realized as they sat in silence. “What are we grateful for again?”

“We’re grateful we’re alive,” Aline said, her voice tight. “We’re grateful to have each other. Grateful that we don’t have to go through this alone.”

“I just hope I can remember that during dinner,” Alec said, remembering their loose tradition of going around the table and saying what they were grateful for. “I get to sit at a table where nobody is speaking to me, gotta love holidays.”

“I’ll stop by probably,” Simon told him. “I always do, and I will talk to you if nobody else. Iz will talk to you too. She only stays angry for so long.”

“Movie time,” Aline said as she picked up the remote. “So I can fall asleep and you two can carry me to bed. I’m tired of talking and thinking. Mean Girls?”

 

“Why not,” Alec got more comfortable in the sofa and cuddled close to Aline. “Let’s go back to the petty problems of life.” They all sat silently as the movie started, grateful to have each other.

MBALMBALMBAL

Magnus couldn’t even feel the cold wind at his back as he stalked away from Aline’s house. He hadn’t been this furious in his life and he was tempted to strangle William Herondale right here and now. His hands were shaking with anger and he felt sick to his stomach. He was begging his mind to stay angrily blank instead of analyzing what he’d seen at that stupid party. 

“Magnus!” Will was calling his name as he hurried to catch up to him. Magnus was ignoring Will’s car completely and kept on walking blindly. “Magnus, stop! I’m sorry!”

“Fuck you,” Magnus called over his shoulder. It wasn’t long before Will caught up to him and grabbed his arm to make him stop. Tessa was probably at the car instead of even trying to mediate this fight. She knew Magnus had a level of anger that you couldn’t reason with. 

“Magnus, I just got so angry seeing Alec-” Will started talking, and it made Magnus’s rage rise to new heights.

“You got angry?” Magnus asked incredulously. “You got angry seeing Alexander? How the fuck do you think I felt then? You tricked me into coming to this party since you left out the fact that Alec’s best friend was hosting it. Then you go and humiliate me in front of every new friend I made in this school.”

“Humiliated you?” Will seemed genuinely confused and Magnus wondered how his best friend could be such an idiot. 

“Did you not hear yourself talking?” Magnus shook his head and wondered if he was shaking from anger or the cold. “You said in front of Alec’s gorgeous and buff boyfriend that I cried in your bed for a week. I don’t need you to protect me like some little girl! It’s not okay for everyone to know that some guy cries himself to sleep! I am a man Will, and it’d be nice if you treated me like one. We’re not freshman anymore and I’m not some little girl for you to protect.”

“I thought you’d have a better idea of gender roles,” Will said. “I don’t care what gender someone is. If someone breaks your heart then of course you’re going to cry. I’m protecting you because-”

“You think I’m vulnerable,” Magnus needed space right now. He couldn’t keep standing here. “You think I’m going to fall apart if someone says something mean to me. He’s with that guy, and god if he isn’t the most masculine guy I’ve seen. Do you know how inferior that makes me feel? Alec didn’t hesitate to fuck that guy, not even for a minute. I bet he sucked his cock off and fondled his balls and he will never want me when he figures out that he can’t have that with me!” Magnus felt the tears spring to his eyes as the ache in his heart burst open to unbelieveable pain. 

“Sex is about more than body parts,” Will told him, voice softening. 

“He’s gay Will,” Magnus snapped. “ I’m never going to have the muscle guys do or the genitals they have. I’m never going to be more than a shadow of a guy. If he’s into Jon, then he could never be into me. I’m always going to be slighter than Alec is. If I don’t wear a binder I have boobs, no matter how much smaller they are. It was stupid to think he’d ever love me. Of course he moved on that fast. I’m nobody worth crying over.”

“Stop Mags, please,” Will looked lost as to how to deal with Magnus’s dysphoric breakdown. He’d been doing okay, but seeing Alec on the arm of someone like Jonathan made him tailspin all over again. He missed Alec so much, but it was stupid to think they would have worked. “Don’t talk about yourself like this. I consider you to be Magnus, however you look that makes you happy. You’re one of my best friends that I couldn’t live without.”

“Leave me alone,” Magnus told him firmly before stalking off into the darkness. He heard Will call his name a few more times, but thankfully Will left him to walk it off. He needed to be alone before he snapped at someone completely. 

He walked until his arms were numb from the cold and he couldn’t feel much physically anymore. His legs ached from the walk and from the growing pains he was going through thanks to the injections. He didn’t know why he bothered. Nobody was going to want this shell of a man he was trying to create. He would never get a real relationship with a guy that liked dick. He should have just stayed as Margaret maybe so his parents wouldn’t hate him and maybe his father would have come around. Maybe his mother wouldn’t have killed herself over her freak of a daughter. He was useless and now more than ever he knew that Alec was better off without him. 

“Hello,” A voice said to him as a figure stood up from a bench as he passed through the park. Magnus didn’t even reply as he shoved past his therapist and kept walking. He wasn’t in the mood to talk right now. Raphael probably should just go play happy family with Michael anyways. He’d be better off as well. 

“I didn’t call you,” Magnus snapped at him as he heard Raphael following him. 

“That’s not how this works,” Raphael told him as he fell into step with Magnus’s brisk pace. “I don’t only come when called. Though for the record Will did actually call me. He said you were in a bad way.”

“Of course he did,” Magnus said angrily. “Did WIll also tell you this was all his fault to start with? DId WIll tell you he humiliated me? DId that mother fucker tell you that he tried to placate me by telling me that genitals didn’t matter during sex?”

“You are in a mood,” Raphael agreed as he ran a hand down his arm. “I”m not going to keep chasing you Magnus Bane. It’s dark and freezing out here. Do you want to go home or come with me?”

“I just want to walk,” Magnus told him, still not looking at him. 

“That wasn’t one of your options,” Raphael smoothly stepped in front of him so that Magnus had to bump straight into his chest. He laid one hand on the coat clad chest in front of him and felt a sob rise up as he felt the firm muscle under his palm. It was never going to be enough. He was never going to be enough. “Tell me what’s wrong Mags, talk to me.”

“What’s wrong?” Magnus repeated as if the answer should be as obvious as a neon sign. “Where the fuck do I start? Everything I’ve done for the last year is a waste of time! I’m not a man and I’m never going to be. I just need to accept that I’m never going to be happy. Happiness isn’t in the cards for me. I’m a fuck up of an individual and my parents were right to leave me as soon as they could. Alec is happier without me, and you’d be happier without me instead of chasing me around in the middle of the night for the upteenth time. My parents are happier without me. My friends would be happier without me. Everyone would be better off if I didn’t fucking exist anymore.” Magnus was breathing heavily by the time he’d finished his rant as quickly as he could. For the first time Raphael had let him get it out in the open between them. Normally he’d get interrupted halfway through with his therapist carefully pointing out just how wrong he was. Raphael not interrupting him was new, and Magnus wasn’t sure what it meant. 

“That was…” Raphael started carefully. “That was a lot you’ve been bottling up these last few weeks.”

“It’s the truth,” Magnus insisted, sure this time that he was right. “All of it is absolutely true.”

“You,” Magnus shuddered at the low, intense tone Raphael had taken. “You are a man Magnus Bane. You have worked so hard to accomplish all that you have, and I just need you to not give up yet. Give it one more year of injections and let me look into surgery options. I know it’s frustrating to wait and I know it’s painful.”

“Don’t tell me you know,” Magnus snapped at him, fed up with his usual speeches. “You haven’t done this. You have never tried to change every single part of who you are. You haven’t.”

“I”ve told you that your genitals don’t make you a man,” Raphael told him patiently. 

“Really?” Magnus rolled his eyes and fixed him with a challenging stare. “Would you seriously be with a dude that had a vagina and be happy? Could you really be intimate with someone like that? You’re a gay man, or bisexual, or whatever the fuck. Could you give up cock for the rest of your life?”

“Magnus, good God,” Raphael looked away and Magnus swore he could see his cheeks redden in the dark.

“Answer the question,” Magnus insisted stubbornly. “I’m tired of you not thinking about this realistically. You keep insisting that Alec won’t freak out when he finds out.” He felt like he’d been punched in the gut when he realized there was no longer any Alec to worry about. Alec was with a guy now, a gorgeous buff blonde that he had sex with. Some other guy got to kiss him as long as he wanted and do all the things Magnus had been too scared to try. 

“I consider you a man,” Raphael said firmly when he looked back in his direction. “I do, and I know you don’t believe it. Will, Jem, and Tessa do as well.”

“Will still acts like we’re freshman when he had to step in front of any guy trying to flirt with me,” Magnus muttered. 

“He’s your best friend, protection comes with the territory.” Raphael smiled at him slightly. “I know your transition isn’t complete yet, and that you want it to be. You need to do all you can and then be patient. You need to decide how you feel and leave it like that. You need to figure out if you consider yourself to be the Magnus you told me about during our first session so long ago.”

“How do I do that,” Magnus started unbuttoning his shirt furiously, ripping the last few off completely. “When every time I look in the damn mirror I see this? I see breasts every time I have to take a shower unless I wear a stupid binder that pinches and hurts and generally sucks. When I will always have to change in the bathroom instead of in front of a single person.” He’d gotten the binder off which consisted of an ace bandage again these days since his binder had broken a few weeks ago. He was now shirtless and showing Raphael proof that it wasn’t as easy as telling himself something. There was evidence every single day in front of his face. He was never able to escape the fact that he wasn’t born the way he wanted. 

“What in the hell is wrong with you?” Raphael asked, this time bewildered beyond belief. 

“What?” Magnus glared at him. “Guys can take their shirts off anywhere they please without causing a stir. You really think if I bother going out this summer that I can act like any other guy and strip my shirt off when it’s too hot? Can I do that Raphael?”

 

“That is over six months from now,” Raphael was hurrying to shrug off his coat. “Second of all how you look wasn’t my objection. Nobody takes off their shirt when it’s only forty degrees outside. You are upset and you are going to get the fucking flu.” He came closer and made to swing the coat around his shoulders when he stopped and nearly dropped the coat completely. He snatched Magnus’s wrist and moved his arm out to the side quickly. Magnus realized he’d fucked up a moment too late. Raphael was patient and he was kind, but this was bound to make him freak out a little. 

“You promised me you’d tell me if things got this bad,” Raphael said as his fingers gently traced the red, angry scratch marks on the inside of Magnus’s upper arm that he’d put there. He’d hoped he could pass it off like a natural thing, but Raphael was far too smart and knew him too well to fall for it. Magnus tried to squirm out of his grip, but that wasn’t about to happen with Raphael holding him like this and looking at him like he’d broken a promise. Magnus supposed he really had this time.

“I...It was after Alec and I broke up,” Magnus hated admitting what he’d done. “I was frustrated. I am frustrated. Alec told me he had already screwed his ex and once I put together exactly who that was I got jealous and upset. I just...I hate that I have to be different. It was only a few times and I…”

“I really thought I’d never see these on you,” Raphael said quietly. When they first met Magnus had mentioned that he used to have unconventional methods to make himself feel better. Raphael had never demanded the details, but Magnus’s meaning had been clear. Magnus had promised to let Raphael help him with methods to cope. They had never spoken of it again after that session, but it looked like Magnus had really spiraled further than he’d thought. “Please just get in my car with me.”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus hugged Raphael’s jacket to him.

“Not now,” Raphael simply said as he led Magnus to his car. “I’m...no apologies right now.”

“”Alright,” Magnus slumped in the passenger seat, feeling like an idiot again. These thoughts got bottled up in his head and he was so convinced he was right. Then he got them out at last and acted like a crazy person only to realize he’d been wrong yet again. He had to stop flying off the handle before Raphael really did decide he’d be better off without him. It had to be equally as exhausting for Raphael to have to tell him the same things over and over again. 

They drove in silence and Magnus had elected to look at his knees instead of trying to catch the older man’s eyes. He was a mess and he needed to learn to clean things up himself. The car rolled to a smooth stop and Raphael turned the car off. Magnus finally let himself look up and found that he had no clue where they were. He looked more closely at the house shrouded in shadow beyond one light on in an upstairs window and he was shocked to find where they were. Raphael had taken him home with him, and that was certainly new. 

“We’re at your house,” Magnus looked at Raphael with wide eyes. “You...wow.”

“You think I’m letting you go home like this?” Raphael asked him. “You think I’m letting you go to bed alone with those kinds of thoughts in your head? What you told me tonight was very destructive and very dangerous thoughts. You know how intense and potentially dangerous depression can be. I don’t take it any more lightly than you do.”

“I... I know that,” Magnus muttered. 

“I love you,” Raphael said quietly. Magnus felt shock wash over him and he forgot to breathe. He hadn’t heard anyone say that since his mother had died. His friends felt it he was sure, but they had never said it out loud to him. He had thought it could maybe apply to Alec, but he’d never even imagined saying it. “I love you like I would family. You are one of the most important people in my life. I...Magnus, I would not be better off without you. I...I respect what you’re going through and I want to help if you’ll let me. I know I don’t get it, not really. I know that I can’t ever understand and it drives me a bit insane. You burn so brightly when you let yourself. I’ve seen glimpses of the person you can be, and I love it.. My love for you doesn’t depend on the mood you’re in or how much of a certain gender you are. I love you for everything you are and everything you aren’t. I know my love isn’t what you crave, but until someone comes along that can also accept you for everything you are you have me.”

Magnus couldn’t even think of anything to say in reply to any of that and Raphael’s words had brought him to tears without much effort. He had learned this year more than ever that he meant more to Raphael than any old patient maybe would, but he never would have imagined this. He threw himself across the center console into Raphael’s arms and once again his hug felt like nobody else’s in the world. 

“I love you too,” Magnus choked out quietly into Raphael’s neck. He felt a kiss being pressed to the side of his head before Raphael pulled away. 

“I need to go talk to Michael about you staying here. Give me a minute, alright? I’ll bring you up to the study and set you up on the couch.”

“Okay,” Magnus said quietly. He caught Raphael’s hand for only a moment before he stood. “Thank you, again.”

“I’ve told you not to mention it.” Raphael gave him a tired grin before he disappeared inside. 

MBALMBALMBAL

“I’ve never asked you for anything,” Raphael was trying to keep his cool, he truly was. He was a therapist and he was trained to keep calm in all kinds of situations. He’d been screamed at countless times in the last few months alone. 

“Raphael,” Michael was placating and it was driving his nerves to the edge. “I know he means a lot to you, but we can’t. Alec can’t come home to find his ex-boyfriend on the couch.”

“I don’t give a shit about Alec when he’s already banging some blonde,” Raphael was being unkind and unfair, but Magnus Bane tended to cause him to forget any and all training he’d ever had. “I can’t let him go home alone right now. I know you think that Alec has nobody, but Magnus truly has no one. He has some friends that are a bit too preoccupied with one another to pay him the attention he needs. He has two hospital nurses running that house that are never home unless they’re sleeping. He needs more support than he can get.”

“Wait, so this isn’t a weekend long thing?” Mike clarified, eyes wide and shaking his head. “You want him to live with us?”

 

“No,” Raphael shook his head, running both hands over his hair. “I don’t know. I want him to have an option here with me.”

“Here isn’t an option Raph,” Mike grabbed one of his shaking hands and his face softened. “We already have four teens in this house. We don’t have the room.”

“Then we make the room,” Raphael snapped. “I took your family in without question. I love them like they were my family. I don’t ask questions and I don’t complain about taking over extra hours. This means everything to me, he means the world to me. Magnus is the only family I had before you.”

“He’s your client,” Mike reminded him gently. “You’re the one who always says you need to establish boundaries.”

“I…” Raphael hadn’t told a soul yet what he’d been thinking the last couple of months. “I’ve been looking into specialists for Magnus. There is a center for transgender people to get support. I’ve been crossing professional boundaries with Magnus for months now. I’m stepping down as his therapist I think. I think Magnus would benefit from some space from his therapist and I have enough experience to still help him. I want to be there for him without any boundaries between us. It’s not like I was charging him what I should have anyways.”

“I don’t have a say in this, do I?” Mike knew when to accept defeat it seemed. 

“Not unless you want me to go get a two bedroom,” Raphael kissed him deeply as a thank you and then on his cheek in parting as he went to get Magnus from the car.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone and yay it's nearly summer!!! Can you believe this fic has been going on for well over a year?? Geez. Okay so we get some talking done in this chapter (Hey what else is new) but it's productive. So it's turkey day time in this chapter so that means Christmas is quickly coming up in the next few chapters!!! Yay for holidays. Magnus and Alec get a chance to FREAKING TALK ABOUT STUFF and it's not a disaster. Jace and ALec start sorting their stuff out and Mike has a thing he's been planning! This fic won't be over til they all get to graduate and survive high school so you still get at least fifteen more chapters probably. 
> 
> So, stay with me for this crazy ride yeah??
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading!!!! I love when you leave me comments and I read them like a dozen times each!!! I love you all so much for it!!! Have a great week guys!!! Love you all!!
> 
> Happy Reading :)

It should have been weird for Alec to wake up with a woman draped over him in nothing more than her bra and underwear, but that woman was Aline so it was actually a perfectly normal thing. He’d slept here many, many nights over the course of their friendship, and only recently did that include being hungover. 

“Do I take the smart approach or the dumb approach to get rid of this hangover in half an hour or less?” Alec said hoarsely, wincing as Aline’s elbow wound up digging into his bladder. Aline made a noise between a yawn and a groan as she rolled over to flop next to him. 

“Why are you leaving?” She whined as she stretched lazily. “We had far too much to drink and it’s before ten in the morning. We are on break and it’s a crime to be awake this early, and it’s a felony to move, let alone leave. Do you not know how to say fuck you to all responsibility?”

“I have to go shopping for tomorrow,” Alec said, internally cringing at even the thought. “My uncle already hates me, so I have to at least do this. He’s my shot at a family, so guess what I have to do.”

“Is Simon still here?” Aline sat up bleariily, sloppily shoving her hair off of her face. Alec smiled fondly at her before pulling his jeans on and standing up. 

“I’ll start coffee before I go,” Alec kissed her on the forehead. Aline stretched and blinked at him a few more times. 

“If I was straight I’d marry you,” She announced decisively. He chuckled and saw that Simon had passed out in the next room and he wa still soundly asleep. He sighed and wished he could just stay in this cozy basement with his best friends instead of facing what life had to offer.

“We could always have one of those sexless marriages,” Alec offered as he poured water into the small coffee maker Aline kept down here. She had made the basement into her own apartment between her bedroom and slowly acquiring all needed kitchen appliances. She had a microwave and a small fridge. 

“I like sex too much,” Aline said mournfully. “God, I really like sex.”

“Me too,” Alec agreed.

“You’re getting some, so don’t talk to me,” Aline retorted, wrapping a blanket around her shoulders and coming to hook her chin on his shoulder. “I”m sorry your family is a bunch of dicks yet again.”

“At least I have hope they’ll come around,” Alec watched the coffee slowly drip into the pot, deciding to steal a mug of it before facing the day. “Max seems to be happier now that we’re with Mike. He has a real someone to come home to every night, instead of a bunch of siblings that are always gone. Iz seems to be doing better too. I’m happy they’re okay. Jace.. .well he’ll come around.”

“Why is he angry with you still?” Aline asked, coming around to lean against the wall and face him. “I mean, you guys had that fight the night Izzy went to the hospital, but shouldn’t he have forgiven you by now?”

“I”m still sleeping with Jon,” Alec shrugged as he poured them both a mug of coffee. He handed one to Aline and perched himself on one of the bar stools. They had an old bar in one corner of the basement, which was why all their parties were hosted down here. “Jace is kind of like that. If he doesn’t approve of something you’re doing he’ll just stop talking to you all together. He’s not so good at separating the sin from the sinner you could say.”

“Yeah, maybe we should talk about rebound boy,” Aline gave him a look, and now that they were alone and sober it seemed a lot more serious. “Alec, do you really want to get back with Jon again?”

“I…. probably not,” Alec admitted. “He’s just…. I feel good with him. I feel like the old me who wasn’t a mess. He grounds me and reminds me that there was a time where I didn’t hate my life.”

“You know that rebounds don’t work, especially rebounds that are already ex-boyfriends,” Aline looked at him with care in her eyes though her expression was stern. “Jon isn’t going to make your life go back to the way it was. I know that you hate the way things are, and that the way things are suck.”

“I miss Magnus,” Alec said the words aloud for the first time in weeks, though he’d felt it nearly every moment since Magnus had left. “It’s stupid because we went on a handful of dates and we never even bothered to make things official. Jon makes me not feel alone, which was what Magnus did when he was speaking to me. I guess I am a needy little bitch if you want to be honest about it.”

“I swear the urge to slap you is so strong right now,” Aline dropped her blanket and put down her mug that only had the last dregs of coffee in it. “Alexander Lightwood, if you ever quote Will Herondale again I will kill you. You are not needy, do you hear me? You never ask anything from anyone, even me. You are allowed to call one person yours if they let you, and you are allowed to want that. You are not allowed to sit here and put yourself down for one more second. You are a fucking saint for what you put up with.” 

“Aline, you’re angry too early,” Simon slurred out as he fumbled to pour a mug of coffee. “Why do you guys let me drink? Hangovers are hell…”

“I should get going,” Alec said, knowing his conversation with Aline wasn’t over, but this was his one chance to run away. He didn’t want to talk about how Will’s words seemed to echo in his head and how they also went so well with what Magnus had told him the night of the memorial concert. He had thought that Magnus was wrong without question, but having Will agree with him made him doubt the self-righteous mindset he’d had. 

“I hate the way you run out of conversations,” Aline rolled her eyes as she handed Alec his jacket. He smiled at her fondly and kissed her on the cheek.

“Thank you Aline, for everything. You do a lot for me, and I don’t ever have to ask.” Alec said sincerely as he hugged Aline goodbye. He patted Simon on the back as the other boy vaguely waved. 

The drive home consisted of stopping off for another large coffee to try and make himself stay awake enough not to bite anyone’s head off. The holidays made him tense, and made him rather depressed most of the time. He wasn’t overly attached to Thanksgiving, but he did remember the old days when his mom would be the one making them the dinner of the century and how they’d put up the Christmas tree after dinner was over. His mom used to love Christmas once upon a time, and his dad used to love them enough to play along. He was absolutely sure that Mike would go all out for their first holiday with him, but it would just feel wrong in a way. He knew it was better than what they’d done the last two years. Being only the four of them with a store bought turkey and instant potatoes, but it’d never been about the quality of the food and more about the way the emptiness echoed through the house. 

He sighed as he turned his car off and gathered his mental walls together again, ready to face his brother and his uncle. He shoved his car door open and shuffled through the light snow to get inside. As expected on the morning of the first day of break his house was silent with teenagers taking advantage of the hours to sleep in. 

“I’m home,” Alec called to whoever was listening, before remembering that half the house wasn’t even speaking to him. He rolled his eyes before tossing off his shoes and flopping down on the couch in the main room. He was trying so hard not to feel the usual bitterness and anger that always crept up on him as another holiday passed and his father failed to even call. He wasn’t sure why he had hope that he would, but that hope was only evident when it was crushed into a million pieces. He had had the holidays you saw on television every year, and having it snatched away was worse than never having it. 

“Alec,” His sister had appeared without him noticing. She was dressed in a fitted pair of sweats with a hoodie halfway zipped. She had some color back into her face finally after a few weeks of drinking nutritional supplements and therapy. It had been terrifying to see her like that, so helpless and fragile. 

“Hey Iz,” He said with a grin as he finally found something to watch for the time being. 

“Did you have fun?” She asked as she came to sit on the couch and curl into his side. He settled an arm around her snugly, her warmth reassuring. “You smell like booze.”

“I had far too much to drink,” He agreed before kissing her head. “You holding up alright?”

“Not so much,” She said quietly. His hand instinctively found hers and squeezed tightly. “I….I wish we didn’t have to do food part of Thanksgiving. I love being home with everyone, but the food thing I’m not so crazy about.”

“We can just tell Mike-” Alec started before Izzy cut him off.

“No way, I’m not ruining this for them. Mike is actually excited to make dinner for us and Max is happy to have a whole family to sit with. I can suck it up and deal with it.” She sounded determined, and yet so sad. He pulled a blanket over her shoulders, knowing she’d been almost constantly cold these last few weeks since the winter chill had set in. 

“One day we won’t have to suck it up anymore. We’ll actually be happy.” He could barely believe his own promise, but he knew it was true. One day they would all find happiness, and it would be like taking a gulp of fresh air. 

Voices reached them from the stairs and it made Alec’s blood freeze. That voice...it’d been in his dreams more often than not over the last few weeks. He would know that voice anywhere and at any time. It was rich, lifting and falling like a favorite song that he could feel in his very bones. He’d never heard a voice like Magnus Bane’s and he never would again. 

“Wait, is that…?” Izzy asked, her head swiveling to look at him with shock on her face. 

“Yeah,” Alec said, feeling like his heart was suddenly working three times as fast. This happened any time he got remotely nervous or worked up. It was like his nervous system was shot by now and any little hiccup made him involuntarily panic. “Magnus is here, and I have no idea why.”

“Alec, you okay?” His sister rested a hand on his chest as Alec tried to suck in air and stop feeling like the room was closing in on him. The panic attacks were happening more than ever now and he had no idea how to get them to stop. Ever since October he had them at least four nights a week and any other time he felt like he wasn’t in control. “Alec, breathe, okay? I’ll go get rid of him.”

“I’m okay,” Alec said, though he certainly didn’t feel it. “Maybe he’s just here to see Raphael or something. He’ll leave in a minute.”

“Have you told Mike your attacks have gotten worse?” His sister hugged him close and it helped him feel a bit calmer.

“I haven’t spoken to Mike in two weeks or more,” Alec rubbed her back and it helped ground him in the moment. “I’ll tell Raphael or something. After the holidays are over I’ll say something.”

“So I get three days free,” Isabelle said, a grin playing on her face. “Can I crash going black friday shopping with you guys?”

“So I have another girl to restrain from impulse buying?” Alec rolled his eyes, but he was thrilled his sister wanted to come. She’d been rather despondent these last few weeks, mostly only speaking to himself or Jace. “Of course you can come along. Aline will appreciate someone that actually likes the shopping part. Simon only wants to come for his yearly gaming system.”

“Good morning,” Mike appeared in the doorway to the living room. Jace and Max were behind him bleary eyed and looking like they could have slept for another six hours. Max flopped down next to their sister while Jace took the armchair. A pang went through Alec as Jace wouldn’t even look at him. “So, we have a….development I need to tell you guys about.”

“Are we cancelling the shopping hell?” Jace asked, making the rest of them snicker. 

“No,” Mike glared at them all without any true anger. “If I’m going to cook the feast, then you minions can go fetch the supplies. Last night Raphael came home pretty upset and he wants Magnus to stay with us.”

“What?” Alec asked in shock, the words slowly registering.

“Doesn’t he already live somewhere?” Max asked in confusion.

“Magnus is going through some rough stuff,” MIke said uncomfortably. He didn’t seem completely on board with all of this either. “Raphael is worried about him, and he begged me to let him stay. Raphael is part of our family, and what matters to him matters to me. He’s been great these last few months and so I want to give him what he asks for. Not to mention saying no wasn’t really an option.”

“What about how Alec feels?” Isabelle snapped. She looked furious as she sat up straight, glaring at their uncle. Alec was still trying to process that Magnus would be staying here, in his house. The one sort of haven he had away from the outside world. “I’m so sick of you guys not speaking to Alec. Alec is having a hard time as well, in case anyone failed to remember. Magnus broke his heart, and you guys just think it’s okay for him to stay here. That isn’t fair to do without at least asking him.”

“I’m speaking to Alec,” Max said with a grin to his older brother. 

“You don’t get to act like our father did every time something went wrong,” His sister glared at Mike. “What happened to me wasn’t his fault. It was mine. I chose not to ask for help when I knew things were bad. I chose to hide how I felt and hide what I was doing. You can’t pin this on Alec. He’s the only reason I got through high school. He did everything he could, and you don’t get to fault him.”

“I”m not speaking to him for being a whore,” Jace said succinctly and without hesitation. “Which he can take full responsibility for.”

“Jace,” Mike reprimanded. “That’s not how to talk about your brother.”

“Fuck, I need a shower,” Alec said as the room seemed to be getting smaller. “I’ll be back to go shopping in a bit. I need to go.”

He was on the stairs when he heard his sister erupt in the most she’d said since coming home from the hospital ten days ago. 

“Who the fuck cares if he’s having sex?” She exploded on their brother. “He’s allowed a release now and then you fucking asshole! You don’t get a say in who he sleeps with! He’s stressed out to the max and I don’t know how he’s not doing worse. You need to get off your high horse for one damn minute and wake up to the fact that Alec isn’t okay! He’s still grieving for Helen and dealing with Magnus walking away from him! He’s still having panic attacks all the time if anyone cares about that! He needs us now, and he deserves that. He has done so much for you Jace Herondale, and you need to remember that. He faked all your detention slips and showed up to every basketball practice and game you had last year. He took care of you when you were sick with bronchitis. He helped you study for tests when you were too busy with your girlfriend.”

“Iz, okay he gets it,” MIke tried to intervene.

“And you!” Alec nearly flinched as she rounded on their uncle, though he didn’t have the heart to stop her. “How dare you treat him like this? This is what our father did to him for the last two years or more since mom left us! Every single trivial problem was his fault. It was his fault when the dishwasher broke or when he lost a big case. He always made dinner wrong or he shrank one of dad’s shirts. It was his fault when Max was failing math. Our father made him feel guilty for being alive. He did it to all of us.”

“I don’t blame Alec,” MIke said hesitantly. “I’m angry he knew this very serious thing and failed to tell a single person about it.”

“You really didn’t know he has trust issues?” His sister’s voice finally had lowered to normal levels. Alec was frozen in place, unable to move or even breathe properly. All he could think about was that Magnus was in his kitchen and he could probably hear every word being said. This would all do nothing but confirm that he was too much to handle. Magnus being here was a disaster and he couldn’t handle facing any of this any more. He was never going to have Magnus back in his life, and that thought hurt more than it rightfully should. 

He somehow got into the bathroom and slammed the door behind himself. He leaned against it for a long moment, feeling his chest tighten and his brain working in overtime yet again. The casual disgust in Jace’s voice wouldn’t stop cutting through him like a knife. He knew that being with Jon wasn’t the right move right now. He knew they were only notorious for hurting one another, but right now he wanted nothing more than to call the blonde and have a distraction. 

Voices were raised again downstairs and he had the urge to cover his ears with his hands as tightly as he could until the noise was gone. He wasn’t sure why the attacks were getting worse instead of better the last few weeks. They’d been happening during the day more and more often instead of only during his dreams. He was so tired of the slightest thing sending him into a tailspin of emotion he couldn’t control. He felt like a weak child when this constantly happened to him. He wanted to be in control of his own emotions again. 

He got into the shower and hoped the scalding water might shock his mind back into focus instead of tailspinning off into how much of failure he was. How needy he was and how pretty soon nobody was going to want him around anymore. He was too weak to protect his siblings now and he needed too much to have a relationship. He was of no use to anyone and his father was never going to call. He was never going to see if he was okay after getting shot, and he probably honestly didn’t care. He was going to end up alone after all his effort to take care of the people around him. Had he put so much effort into them that he’d forgotten to take care of himself? 

“Alec,” The voice was muffled by the pounding of the shower and by the door between them that Alec couldn’t tell who the speaker was. He wanted whoever it was to go away. He couldn’t talk any longer about what he was doing with his life or why he was doing what he was. He was tired of trying to sort out his choices and just wanted a moment to be alone. Even if being alone meant his mind had free reign to roam and tell him every horrible thing it could come up with. “Alec, are you okay?”

He still had no idea who was outside that door, but he didn’t bother answering. He was fine. He was just taking a stupid shower, and last time he checked he could still accomplish that without a problem. He scrubbed at his skin and hair over and over again, not really wanting seclusion to end. He was so tired of fighting all of it. He was tired of fighting his own emotions all the time and fighting with those around him. He didn’t have any fight left in him for any of it. 

“Alec, come with me,” The voice was much clearer now as a hand fell onto his arm. He looked up and felt himself stop breathing.. The most beautiful green eyes were staring into his and it felt like his heart had only now started beating again after weeks of being still. He felt a million different things as Magnus crouched next to him and his head spun in a very pleasant way. “Alec, come out of there, okay? Come on, I’ve got you.” 

“M-Magnus,” Alec stuttered out, realizing his whole body was shivering uncontrollably. Magnus shut off the water and helped him to stand. He had managed to let the water run ice cold while he had been lost in his own thoughts. 

“Come sit down,” Magnus guided him to sit on the toilet seat before his knees gave out. Alec felt his face heat up and he was transfixed by Magnus’s slender fingers resting against his pale skin. They were so beautiful, decorated with silver nail polish that glittered each time he moved. 

“Magnus, I”m so sorry,” Alec’s mind snapped out of it and remembered what the other boy must have heard that morning. 

“For the train wreck downstairs?” Magnus asked, looking at him like he was insane. 

“I’m sorry you had to hear all of that,” Alec clutched a towel to him, shivering and humiliated. Magnus had found him on the floor of the shower of all fucking places. No wonder he didn’t want to be with him. He was an absolute wreck. “I”m sorry you had to find me….Oh God,” His throat closed over and he wanted to cry. This was a disaster of the worst sort. 

“Do you know how many times I’ve had to be dragged off the floor?” Magnus said wryly, mopping up the water that had ended up on the floor. “I get it, I promise you. They are brutal, your family. Your sister stormed out a bit ago for a walk.”

“Is she alright?” Alec asked, already feeling the guilt settle in.

“This isn’t your fault,” Magnus told him, taking a second towel and gently drying his hair. “They’re blaming you without a single right to. Have your attacks gotten worse? You don’t exactly seem surprised to be having one like you did the other time I found you out of it.”

“Wh-”” Alec suddenly remembered that Magnus had indeed found him like this once before on their very first date. “You don’t have to do this.”

“That wasn’t my question,” Magnus said calmly. 

“You shouldn’t have to be picking your ex up off of bathroom floors,” Alec took a few deep breaths and tried to make himself focus. “I...I can take it from here.”

“I’m not leaving you alone just yet,” Magnus held out a hand. “Let’s go get you some clothes.”

“You aren’t seeming me naked,” Alec responded on autopilot. Magnus laughed and tugged him across the hall to his bedroom. It was weird, having Magnus here again. It was almost as if they’d never kissed in the first place. As if Alec had never spent nights in this very room dreaming of all they could be. Magnus was beautiful, and he would probably never see that. His skin was flawless and it went on for miles down his long arms and long legs. He was barefoot, which served to remind Alec that he was staying here now.

“Are things okay at your house?” Alec asked as he pulled some boxers out of his top drawer and pulling them on. Were they still friends after all they’d been through? Was he allowed to care how Magnus was doing?”

“I haven’t been doing the greatest,” Magnus was careful with his words and it showed in the way he intently studied the shirt he was playing with in his hands. He bit his lip for a long moment. “Alec, I’m sorry if I made it seem like breaking up with you had anything to do with you. It didn’t, I promise you. It had to do with me, and how I’m still in a pretty selfish mindset right now. Raphael and I talked most of last night in his study. He made me realize how awful I’ve treated you.” His hands were shaking and Alec wanted to stop him from saying any more than he was comfortable with, and at the same time he was fascinated. “Alexander, I’m a transgender man. You’ve never made me feel anything other than a man, but my mind gets the best of me the same way yours does to you. I’m still a long way from being okay with who I am. On top of that I have depression, and its consuming. I’m not trying to make excuses for how I treated you. I just want you to know that you shouldn’t take what I said a few weeks ago to heart. Though I’m pretty sure you already have, knowing you as I do.”

Alec could say nothing, but as Magnus kept on talking and things kept making more sense his heart felt just a little less broken. He pulled on a shirt and quietly walked over to where Magnus was lingering by his dresser rambling. He cautiously put an arm around Magnus’s waist and pulled him into an embrace. Magnus’s words came to a stuttering halt as his arms slowly came to encircle Alec’s neck. The house was quiet now and it seemed as if the world had narrowed down to only the two of them. Alec’s heart was pounding and somehow this simple, close embrace was so much more intimate than anything he’d ever done with Jonathan these last few weeks

“You’re the most gorgeous man I know,” Alec said lowly. His hands rubbed Magnus’s back in soothing circles and it felt so good to have him close again. “I’ve missed you.” He knew that must have sounded needy as hell, but he wanted Magnus to know that he hadn’t been some passing crush for him. He was so much more than that. 

“I’ve missed you as well,” Magnus said in return, clinging to Alec more tightly for a moment. “I really don’t have the right to miss you, but I do.”

“You don’t have to have a right to miss me,” Alec told him, a hand sneaking up to stroke Magnus’s soft, black hair. “You don’t need to ask for a right to feel things.”

“How come we know so well what to say to one another, but not to ourselves?” Magnus asked with a sigh. 

The door opened abruptly and Jace stood there as they slowly parted their close embrace. Alec couldn’t look at Jace with his golden eyes hard and judgemental. He knew what this looked like, but it was so complicated. 

“Mike is ready to leave for the store if you’re coming,” Jace said flatly, glaring at the pair of them before turning away to stalk down the hallway. Just like that the peace was broken and all his thoughts came rushing back. His face went back to a tomato color as he realized he’d never bothered to put jeans on while he was hugging his ex-boyfriend like he wasn’t such an ex anymore. 

“He needs to let up on you,” Magnus said, staring after Jace as well. 

“You can’t be thrilled about Jonathan either,” Alec said, not looking at Magnus as he brushed through his hair and put his watch on, attempting to be a composed person again. “I guess I should go shopping.”

“Why did you jump in bed with him?” Magnus’s face was closed off and Alec could tell it wasn’t really his choice to ask. Magnus shifted his weight and he was biting his lip again. “I’m not judging you, I swear. Will has made much worse choices in bedrroom partners before he sorted stuff out with Jem and Tessa. I just...need to know.”

“I slept with him because he’s so far away from all of this,” Alec gestured between them vaguely. “He’s been gone for six months, and my life has gotten so fucked up since then. He reminds me of a simpler time when I was okay. My parents divorce seemed like the worst thing that could happen, but I was so wrong. Their divorce was nothing compared to my father walking out, or Helen getting shot, or losing you.” He took a shaky breath and knew he only had moments before he had to go face Jace again. “I don’t know what I’m doing Magnus, with any of it. I don’t know what I’m doing with Jon, or with myself.”

“It’s okay not to know,” Magnus told him, a smile forming. “I’m sorry I’m here. If it’s making things harder for you.”

“It isn’t,” Alec didn’t hesitate to reassure him. “I like having you around again. I know we aren’t getting together anytime soon, but I simply like having you around.”

“I like being around,” Magnus handed him a jacket from the back of his bedroom door. Of course he’d choose the perfect one, the soft, brown leather one he loved. Their hands brushed as Alec gently took the jacket and shrugged it on. His stomach had that old fluttering feeling as their eyes met. Alec could only hope that one day they could start over one day. Maybe with Magnus he could start over completely. Maybe they could make one another happy, one day.

MBALMBALMBAL

“Sorry,” Magnus apologized to Raphael as he went back to the kitchen. The two of them were working on making breakfast for the masses when they got back from the store, though it’d really be lunch by now. Raphael had the bacon thawing and he was fiddling with the griddle that hadn’t been touched for months from the looks of it.

“Mike insisted on the groceries coming first anyways,” Raphael said, pulling down two mugs from the cupboard. “Hot chocolate while we wait? I’ll make some for Isabelle when she gets back.”

“I’ll never pass on that,” Magnus grinned, surprised at how natural it felt to be sitting in a kitchen with his therapist. Then again the therapist lines were blurry as hell these days. His mind was still spinning with what had happened upstairs. One minute he was pulling a pale and shaking Alec from the shower floor and the next he was embracing him tightly with butterflies exploding in his stomach. He was telling Alec things his best friends hadn’t been able to coax out of him for months. 

“Is he alright? I’m sorry I had to send you up there, but I had to run interference down here.” Raphael leaned against the oven door as he waited for the water to boil. 

“No he isn’t,” Magnus said, thinking of the way Alec wasn’t the least bit surprised to be having a panic attack unexpectedly in the middle of the day. How lost he seemed with his life after all that had happened. “His panic attacks are nearly as bad as mine, and I’ve been perfecting mine for years.”

“Magnus,” Raphael said with a roll of his eyes. The older man hated when he made jokes about his problems. 

“He needs those people to give him a break,” Magnus could say now that the Lightwood clan was gone. “He has Izzy to defend him, but he’s worried sick about her so that isn’t helping. He needs people to give him space to sort out his problems and to be there when he messes up. They all seem to be so angry about his choice to sleep with Jonathan, but they don’t realize that all they’re doing is pushing Alec towards him.”

“I told Michael as much,” Raphael said with a sigh as he snapped off the burner and carefully poured water on top of the chocolate powder. “My boyfriend is being an idiot.”

“It’s weird to hear you talk like that,” Magnus shook his head as he pulled a mug towards himself. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Raphael said as he sat at the chair next to him. “I think Alec is glad we’re both here too. His family loves himi of course, but they all have a lot of drama to sort out.”

“I thought it was bad with the four I live with,” Magnus rolled his eyes. He noticed Raphael had an arm draped over the back of his chair. The casual affection wasn’t unwelcome, but it was unexpected. It didn’t feel forced, more like Raphael had decided something these last twenty-four hours. Maybe he was reading too much into this, but he had a feeling he wasn’t. “What have you decided Raphael? You’re different, but not a bad different. You’ve always kept a boundary between us, and now it’s not there.”

“I didn’t even keep that strong of a boundary,” Raphael rolled his eyes and looked at him carefully. “Alright, after all the talks where I’ve made you be brutally honest I’ll return the favor. I’ve decided I’m not going to be your therapist anymore.”

“What the fuck?” Magnus sputtered, choking on the sip he’d taken of his drink. 

“Tact might have been good there,” Raphael muttered. “Don’t freak out.”

“You can’t fucking give up on me,” Magnus was staring at Raphael with wide eyes.

“You’re in my kitchen Magnus. I’m hardly giving up.” Raphael had a hand on his shoulder now, squeezing softly. “I want to be more than just your therapist.”

“What the hell?” Magnus was still completely lost, but now he was more baffled than angry.

“I want you to live here,” Raphael said bluntly. “I’ve been doing research on therapists who specialize in transgender individuals. I think you could benefit from working with someone with more experience than me. I also think that you need someone at home to be there. If I thought I was the best person to help you then I would.”

“How would I ever afford that?” Magnus suddenly felt reality crash in on him. He didn’t exactly have insurance worth bragging about. “I’ve never even paid you for the last year or so. A stranger isn’t exactly going to let me off the hook.”

“We will cross that bridge when we get to it. Let’s find out if this guy is any good first.” Raphael dropped his hand down to the table. 

“You can’t be thinking of paying for me,” Magnus told him firmly. “There’s no way I can let you do that.”

“One day at a time Mags,” Raphael told him mildly. 

“Raphael…” Magnus didn’t know what he could say, but he couldn’t let things be this way. He wanted to stay here with Raphael, but money was not something to be taken lightly. He had nothing to contribute, and he knew this pair was already in over their heads with people to take care of. 

“One day at a time,” Raphael repeated as he heard the garage door open, indicating that everyone was home. “Sometimes one moment at a time Mags, that’s how we all get through our lives and not go insane.”

“I hate when you say that,” Magnus sulked slightly as he stuck his tongue out at Raphael. The older man laughed while tossing him an apron.

“For that you have to cook with me,” Raphael ordered. Magnus couldn’t keep a smile from crossing his face. Living with Raphael would probably be some kind of second chance, and he was determined not to blow it.

MBALMBALMBAL

Shopping wasn’t as much of a disaster as Alec had been planning on. Mike had been warmer than he’d been in weeks and Alec had hope they could fix things. Jace hadn’t spoken much to either of them, but then again grocery shopping didn’t inspire much conversation. They made it through the crowds without much hassle and finally were on their way home. The radio was already filled with Christmas music, which Alec knew put Jace on edge. His brother was not a fan of holiday music, but he liked the holiday itself. 

“Don’t tell Izzy whatever you think you saw,” Alec told his brother quietly. They had fallen into their habit of sitting together in the backseat.

“Don’t mess around with Magnus,” Jace warned him.

“Since when are you protective of Magnus?” Alec was hurt that Jace was more intent on defending Magnus Bane than his own brother.

“I”m not,” Jace glanced up front before lowering his voice even further. “Mike is happy with Raphael, but I think if things went bad with Magnus it would be bad for them.”

“So,” Mike said, making them both jump. “I am declaring a truce on this. I think we are all emotional about what happened to Isabelle. I think we all share part of the blame of the situation and it’s stupid to point fingers. Can we put this behind us? Focus on recovery instead of dwelling on the problems?” They both nodded and Alec felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. They had rolled to a stop in front of the house, but nobody made a move to get out yet. “I need to talk to someone though, and you two are all I got. I”m not sure I trust Iz with this kind of secret. Can I tell you guys something? Well, I more want to run it by you and see what you think.”

“Go for it,” Jace looked more amused than anything else. Alec stared at his brother and just wished he could magically fix things. If he really thought Jon was the reason they weren’t speaking he’d drop the blonde immediately. Nobody was worth not speaking to Jace. 

“I…” Mike looked the most nervous Alec had ever seen him. “What would you guys think if I asked Raphael to marry me? I...I have a ring and I just need to find a moment to do it.”

“Do it,” Jace didn’t hesitate to say. Alec nodded in agreement. “Seriously Mike, ask him. You’re crazy about him.”

“Raphael is part of us, like you said,” Alec agreed. “He’ll say yes, definitely. Take him somewhere and pop the question.”

“I’m glad you guys like him,” Mike grinned at them. “Now, are you two going to make up any time soon? I know Thanksgiving isn’t our favorite holiday, but it’s still a holiday. Let’s make it a nice one?”

“We’ll bring in the groceries,” Jace answered instead of answering their uncle’s plea. Mike looked between them before heading inside. Alec followed Jace around to the trunk, but he closed it before Jace could huff away with his hands full.

“If I dumped him, would it really fix things?” Alec demanded of his brother. Jace kicked at the ice, but sullenly didn’t answer. Alec sighed and pulled out his phone, ready to call Jonathan at a moment’s notice. “I will call him in front of you and end things. I will do it right now if that means you will get over yourself and talk to me.”

“Is there anything to end?” Jace asked. “I thought you were just having sex with him?”

“We’re dating again I guess,’ Alec shrugged. “I mean, I brought him to the party last night and he’s bringing me as a plus one to some work thing Saturday night.”

“I thought you loved Magnus though,” Jace questioned. “I thought you were crushed he broke things off. I heard you crying about it. I’m confused and I don’t get it. One minute you’re saying how much in love with Magnus you are or could have been and then I see you hanging all over Jonathan.”

“All I do is cry these days,” Alec hated to admit, but it wasn’t like he didn’t share a room with the other. “I’ve been crying about so many things. I cry because I miss Magnus so much. I cry when I have dreams about Helen. I cry when I dream about the shooting. I cry when I remember that my parents couldn’t care if I was alive or not. Mom never even called after the shooting that was on the national news to see if we were okay. I could have loved Magnus, if he would have let me. It was complicated with him Jace. We were never really dating in the first place and then it was over. Then the guy shows up in my bathroom when I’m having a panic attack and helps me up. How do I manage all of that?”

“Do you just move on that fast?” Jace seemed fixated on the bouncing back and forth part. “Look, I know that you don’t know which way is up. I share your room and you sleep as much as a zombie does. I just….you were so hooked on Bane and then I find you in Morganstern’s apartment after he tore you apart last year. I wish you’d stop picking people that hurt you. First you let Robert beat up on you for years and now you’re going back to that blonde idiot.”

“Jon never honestly hurt me,” Alec pointed out. “He wanted me to run away with him to some apartment when he went to school. He was convinced Robert was abusing me. I was the one who broke my heart that time. I ended things with him after what dad did to him. I knew it was best for him to be away from me.”

“I just watched you call him for weeks after that and he ignored you,” Jace shook his head and fell quiet.

“What is this really about? What are you really upset about? It’s not my sex life and I don’t think this is even about Izzy anymore. What’s going on?” Alec could read Jace pretty well after eight years and he knew when Jace was honestly upset and when he was deflecting his rage about a deeper problem.

“Clary is moving on,” Jace said, his breath coming out in a little cloud. “She’s been pulling away since she went through getting shot and not walking for weeks. She went through that scare and now she’s different. She’s making new friends with people from school and a few from therapy. Then, she tells me that she kissed her therapy assistant that’s been helping her.” He ran a hand through his hair and Alec was at a loss of what to say. Jace’s catchphrase of the last few years was that he had Clary and that wa all he’d ever need. 

“After all you’ve done for her,” Alec shook his head, trying not to get angry at his favorite redhead. “What is she thinking? Does she really think she can get better than you? Is she kidding herself?”

“I think she’s thinking what you are,” Jace shrugged and the way he held his shoulders told Alec he was truly upset about this. “I think she wants someone away from all our drama. She wants a fresh start after all we’ve been through.”

“That isn’t fair,” Alec protested. “You didn’t cause someone to shoot up our school and change our lives. You are not the cause of any of this. You are as much a victim as she is.”

“For what it’s worth,” Jace looked at him, his eyes bright with unshed tears. “I think you should wait it out for Magnus. You wouldn’t want a chance like that to pass you by while you’re messing around with Jonathan. I know you Alec, and I know he isn’t the guy you really want anymore. Magnus is never going to be the guy that fights the jock for your attention. Show Magnus that you want him, above everyone else. Show him you’re willing to wait it out. Not liking each other was never the problem with the two of you.”

“I’ll do it when I see him Saturday,” Alec agreed with his brother. This thing with Jon wasn’t fair to either of them. He didn’t want anything out of their relationship and he was only showing Magnus that he was moving on as fast as he possibly could. “Clary isn’t leaving you. She couldn’t possibly think that’s a good idea.”

“Can a kiss not mean anything?” Jace asked him, voice more vulnerable than he’d heard in a long time. The last time he’d heard Jace’s voice like this they had been ten and Jace had broken a lamp on accident. He’d then asked if Robert and Maryse were going to punish him for breaking their things. Alec had ended up taking the blame, only to show his brother that he was never going to get punished like that again. “Clary...she was my first. She was the first everything for me. I gave her my first kiss and my virginity….I’ve never even really looked at another girl. I don’t get how you and Iz can just deny that you love someone. Clary… I could never feel anything else for her except what I do now. “

“Jace,” Alec said softly, feeling his heart ache for his brother. Clary was one of the first people Jace trusted outside their tiny circle. He never had any friends at school besides his siblings. Jace couldn’t trust easily after what his father had put him through. “Jace, a kiss can just be a kiss. It doesn’t always mean you have feelings for someone. She...she must be working through a lot. I don’t excuse what she did and I hate her a little for it, but I don’t think that kiss means she’s leaving.”

“Yeah, I guess,’ Jace wiped his face, and to Alec’s horror he realized tears had actually fallen down his brother’s face. “Seeing you go between Magnus and Jon doesn’t really give me great confidence of that.”

“Don’t use me as a healthy example of anything, seriously,” Alec squeezed his arm and popped the trunk again. “Let’s get this stuff inside and properly enjoy our holiday. We’ve spent the last two years hating them.”

“Raphael can apparently cook,” Jace grinned at him, even if it fell a tiny bit flat. “We get to be lazy teenagers for the first time in years.”

“Maybe we can talk them into putting up the tree,” Alec mused as he gathered the last of their bags. 

“I think we have a good shot,” Jace led the way inside the house and Alec was glad he finally got to the bottom of it. Though he hoped he’d have the determination to really break things off with Jonathan and prove to Jace that loyalty to someone wasn’t over rated. He might not be the older brother as far as age went, but his siblings looked to him to be their example and they always would.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can y'all believe that I have another chapter out??? Yay me! haha. This chapter is a mess and we get more malec moments, though idk whether you guys will be happy about it. I promise everything will work out in the end!!! Thank you guys so much for reading and commenting!!! it means the world to me!!! You're great!! Happy Reading guys :)

“You look nice,” Alec tried not to jump as Magnus appeared in his open doorway. He still wasn’t used to Magnus Bane being everywhere at once. The holiday had probably been the best he’d had in his life, even with the circumstances outside their house. There had been no hard feelings and laughter had filled the house nearly the whole day. 

“Thank you,” Alec reached for his tie hanging on his footboard. Magnus was wearing a simple tee and pajama pants, but he still looked like the most gorgeous thing Alec had ever seen. He seemed at peace here and it was nice to see. He had his first therapy session this morning with someone other than Raphael, even if the older man had stayed outside the entire time according to Mike. “How was your session this morning?”

“Weird,” Magnus wrinkled his nose as he took Alec’s question as an invitation to sit on his bed. He settled with his legs crossed and why did it have to feel like Magnus belonged there? “I didn’t say a whole lot, but it was a start. I didn’t even talk to Raphael for a month when I first met him. The guy was nice, and very professional. He gave me actual medication though, which Raphael is definitely weird about.”

“Medication?” Alec frowned as he couldn’t get his tie to knot in a way that didn’t look completely stupid. 

“Antidepressants and anxiety meds,” Magnus said, looking down at his hands for a moment before lithely getting up and coming to help Alec with the last piece of his outfit. He took the tie from Alec’s fingers and started over. Alec could smell Magnus’s sandalwood soap and his heart started to race as it usually did when Magnus was so close he could feel him breathing. “Where are you going tonight anyways?”

“Um,” Alec tried not to visibly squirm as he desperately tried to make this not sound terrible. “I’m going to a party with Jon.”

“Black tie affair party?” Magnus took a step back and Alec hated himself just a little bit. He had promised Jace he would end things tonight, and he was going to try and hold up to it. He knew it would be a million times harder once he was with the blonde in person. “That’s quite intimate.”

“It’s for his job,” Alec said, noticing the way Magnus’s hands lingered even after he was done with the perfect knot. “Thank you. I’m hopeless with ties.”

“You’re welcome,” Magnus’s voice was tight and his fingers were still running over the silky material of his tie. Alec wanted to kiss him, and that was a crazy urge. He wanted to feel Magnus’s surprise in his kiss and then the way he melted into Alec’s touch like it was the most wonderful thing he’d ever felt. Magnus was so open with his emotions when he let himself feel them. Before he could tell himself not to even think about it, his hands were resting on Magnus’s hips, his skin warm even through the thin material of his pants. He could easily remember the last time they’d been in this room alone together. They’d been on his bed and Magnus had been kissing him so sweetly even with the heat building between them. He’d been able to feel Magnus’s soft, smooth skin under his hands and it had felt like he was touching the most rare and precious thing he could think of. 

“Do you remember the last time we were in here alone?” Alec’s lips were brushing Magnus’s ear, and he could hear the other’s breath hitch and a shiver run over him. Magnus’s hands hadn’t moved from his tie, but now they were shaking slightly. 

“Of course I do,” Magnus replied, breathless. They were standing far too close together for comfort, and yet Alec couldn’t bring himself to move away from Magnus’s warmth. 

“I want to touch you like that,” Alec had no filter left between his thoughts and his mouth. He knew this was wrong. Magnus had made it very clear he wasn’t ready to be with him, but Alec wanted him so much right now. He was willing to forget all about his stupid commitment to Jonathan for this party if he could have Magnus again. 

“You can’t kiss me,” Magnus pleaded with him, even as he pulled Alec closer by his tie. The fabric was wrinkled as hell by now, but that was the last thing Alec could bring himself to care about. 

“Why not?” Alec challenged him, one hand moving further to the small of the other’s back. “Magnus, we could be amazing together if we let ourselves.”

“Alec…” For the first time since they’d known one another Magnus was the one to initiate the kiss. His lips were soft as they pressed against Alec’s own. He had a hand tangled in Alec’s hair as the other still desperately gripped at the silk tie. Alec’s mind went blissfully blank as he gently used his tongue to ask for entrance, tracing Magnus’s lips gently. It was like no time had passed since the last time they’d done this. This was his blissful place away from everything else. He kept the kisses gentle as he tilted his head to the side for better access, their noses brushing softly. 

“Alec, Jon just pulled in!” Mike’s call broke the moment abruptly as his voice echoed up the stairs and through his open door. They broke their embrace and Alec had to be the one to take a step back since Magnus’s legs were already against the bed. Alec felt himself blushing as he straightened his tie and ran a hand through his hair to smooth it some. Magnus was staring at the floor and Alec felt horrible for what he’d let himself do. Where the hell had his self control gone?

“Magnus, if that upset you I am so sorry,” Alec told him earnestly. He took Magnus’s hand gently in his. “I...You told me not to kiss you.”

“I kissed you,” Magnus said, and when he looked up he had tears in his eyes even if a smile was playing at the corners of his mouth. “You’re not the only one who wants it Alexander..” He took a deep breath and gently pulled his hand away. “You have a date waiting for you. Let’s hope he doesn’t care about wrinkled ties, yeah?”

“Magnus,” Alec knew he only had seconds to say this, but it was worth keeping Jon waiting. “Mags, I”ll break things off with him tonight. Tell me we have a chance to be together. I don’t care if I have to wait for you. Just tell me there’s hope for us. Tell me you want to be with me.”

“Nothing has changed,’ Magnus looked incredibly torn as he bit his lip. “We are still the same people with the same problems between us. I’m still the same as I was a few weeks ago. I couldn’t even commit to being your boyfriend the first time around.”

“Magnus, you just kissed me. That has to mean something, I know it means something,” Alec was incredibly frustrated that Magnus was still saying no on this. How could he not see they were so much better together than apart? 

“There’s a reason you jumped back with that Jon guy,” Magnus told him, green eyes dry but a tad red. “I know you said you don’t know, but part of you does. Things are okay right now. We just had an amazing holiday together with our families and maybe we should just keep the peace.”

“We can do better than okay,” Alec knew he had to leave, but he had to have something to go on. “We can have amazing Magnus, we can. You’re going to be on meds pretty soon and maybe it will help. Maybe we can make this work.”

“You need to go,” Magnus reminded him, avoiding the answer. Alec growled in frustration and it made Magnus flinch slightly. 

“You’d seriously rather I go off and have sex with Jonathan instead of giving us a try? Magnus, how can you sti there after kissing me and still tell me that we can’t try? Do you not feel what I feel when we kiss?”

“This is our problem,” Magnus said, folding his arms tightly. “You can’t bank your happiness on me. I can’t be something that is keeping you happy. I can’t handle that kind of pressure. I think you need to split things with Jon for yourself, and not for me. You need to learn to stand on your own. I’m not saying you can’t lean on people, but those people shouldn’t be the ones you’re also falling in bed with. I want us to be together, not be codependent on one another.”

“So you want us to wait until we’re dead?” Alec asked sarcastically. “You think your depression and my anxiety are just going to go away one day? You think that’s how this works? It’s something we have to live with, not wait to live until they’re gone.”

“How would you know?” Magnus asked him. He looked trapped against the bed as Alec was between him and the door. “You aren’t even trying to get better. You’re just closing your eyes and hoping it gets better. You need to be in therapy and maybe try to get past this. Your sister knows what I’m talking about. She isn’t falling back with Simon because she wants to be okay again before they try something. He means too much to her to mess it up. Maybe I just don’t mean enough for you to actually get better.”

“You’re a manipulative tease,” Alec said angrily.

“Fuck you,” Magnus snapped in return, tears again appearing. “You kissed me back.”

“I want to be with you,” Alec told him heatedly. “I want to be with you so much it hurts.”

“Then try listening to me instead of flying off to the next thing!” Magnus was shouting now and it startled Alec into realizing how badly he had fucked this up once again. “You want me, but I feel like you don’t even listen to me when I’m talking to you!”

“Why do I keep trying with you?” Alec ranted as he swept out of the room and slammed the door behind him. He barely said goodbye to his uncle and ignored his worried look. He took a deep breath before getting in the car with Jon and driving off to this party. 

MBALBMALMBAL

Magnus shouldn’t be shaking after that.

It’d been thirty minutes and he still felt himself shaking after Alec had shouted at him. He was frustrated, and Magnus could understand. He had kissed him after all. It had been stupid and reckless. He knew Alec was dating someone else, but he still let himself kiss those stupid pink lips. He wanted Alec, and that was new to him. He wasn’t used to physically wanting anyone the way Alec made him feel like his entire being was on fire. 

He paced around the study that had become his bedroom as he tried to sort through his racing thoughts. He could have told Alec yes. He could have told him they’d try again and he could have been with Alec right now instead of shaking and alone. The problem with that is that Alec didn’t need a relationship right now. He hadn’t been living here long, but he had noticed that each and every time Alec was stressed or anxious he went off to have sex. Magnus had heard them in the bedroom when Mike and Raphael were gone. They didn’t laugh together or play, it was only about pleasure. He couldn’t be that for Alec, and the sad thing was he might let Alec make him become that. If he were to be with Alec he would end up doing things he wasn’t ready for and that would destroy them both. Alec was something more than a fling or any casual thing. He could be the real deal if Magnus let him be. 

He was scared of that possibility as much as he wanted it. 

He padded downstairs to find it oddly quiet. Jace and Isabelle were also gone somewhere since he’d heard them leave earlier on. His own friends were off on a date, but they promised to call afterward and they might meet up. It was weird to not be living under the same roof as them for the first time since they’d all met. 

He got himself a glass of water and saw Raphael in the next room watching TV. He had his feet up on the couch and he looked completely relaxed. He was at home here with Mike and his family. He wanted Magnus to feel the same way here, and that idea wasn’t as crazy as it had seemed on Wednesday. He liked being in a home like this one, where family was a concept that seemed possible. He hesitated a few more minutes to see if Mike was about to come downstairs to join his boyfriend on the couch. Raphael stayed alone though, and Magnus felt awful after the fight with Alec. 

“Where’s Mike?” Magnus asked carefully, proud of himself for keeping his voice even and his tone light. Maybe he was finally learning to hide his emotions. 

“Writing,” Raphael said with a smile toward him. “Inspiration hit him after dinner and I haven’t seen him since. It’s just the three of us home I guess. Your friends busy?”

“On a date,” Magnus told him, trying to return the smile. His hands wouldn’t stop shaking for some stupid reason. He clenched them into fists inside the pockets of his pajama pants, though Raphael could probably see them anyways. He perched on the very edge of the couch, unsure if he was welcome there or in the way. Raphael gave him a confused look before he moved his feet and sat up straighter, indicating Magnus could join him. Magnus glanced down the hallway to see if Mike was on his way one last time before curling up next to his mentor. The older man’s attention had seemingly returned to his show, even if his eyes flicked over to Magnus every so often. 

“Raph,” Magnus said once a commercial came on. The older man immediately turned down the volume on the television and turned his gaze fully to him. Magnus swallowed hard and tried not to get emotional about all of this. “I kissed Alec, just upstairs. I was helping him tie his tie and then all of a sudden we were kissing.”

“Wow,” Raphael said, blinking a few times. “Seriously?”

“Raphael,” Magnus had to laugh at the casual way he expressed his surprise. 

“I’m sorry,” Raphael grinned for a moment before taking note of Magnus’s shaking hands. He took one in his own and rubbed the back of it with his thumb. “Did he force himself on you?”

“No, Raph, I kissed him,” Magnus repeated. “I mean, I initiated it. That never happens between us. He’s always been the one to start anything physical. I want him,” The words were heavy on his tongue as he forced them out. They felt so foreign and so terrifying. “It scares me to death.”

“What did Alec do after you kissed him?” Raphael asked quietly.

“We fought,” Magnus said miserably. “He wants me to jump into a relationship with him, and I get it. I mean I kissed him and I wasn’t thinking. He’s asking me for something that he can’t give himself. I thought all this time I was so afraid of being official with him because of my problems, but it’s his problems. It’s the way he’s dealing with them.”

“What did he say to you?” Raphael asked, voice patient and soft. 

“He called me a manipulative tease,” Magnus repeated the hateful words, hating the way they stung as much as they had the first time. Raphael shifted a bit closer to put an arm around him gently. 

“You aren’t a tease,” Raphael sounded a tad angry, and Magnus knew it wasn’t at him.

“Do you think I’m wrong for demanding that he sorts out his problems before we try?” Magnus asked him, trusting his honest opinion. “I’m not expecting him to get rid of his anxiety. I just want him to be able to manage it on his own. I want him to try something.”

“Alec has a lot to work on before he’s even close to being worthy of you,” Raphael said vehemently, holding him close. Magnus grinned to himself and rolled his eyes.

“Nobody needs to be proving their worth,” Magnus told him. “I’m worried about him. He needs help. Can you help him now that you aren’t my therapist?”

“Dios Mio,” Raphael said with a sigh. “Between you and Michael I swear…”

“Is that a no?” Magnus prodded.

“He has to want to be in therapy,” Raphael explained. “He needs to want to work hard at getting better. You know the fight he’s facing. Right now he’s more into seeing if cock therapy will work for him.”

“Is that a medical term?” Magnus asked with a smirk. “Cock therapy?”

“Shut up,” Raphael grumbled, though his eyes were filled with light and laughter. A gentle and calming silence fell between them and Raphael pulled Magnus to lay down with him, head laying on Raphael’s chest as the show came back on. Magnus had no idea what was going on in the show, but the feeling of not being alone was making him feel so safe and at home. It was nice to have someone he wasn’t afraid to come to when he was having a tough moment. Someone who understood and never got tired of being his shoulder to lean on. 

“Hey,” Raphael brought him back to the moment as he rubbed his arm gently. “I’m proud of you.”

“For what?” Magnus asked, completely confused.

Raphael pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “You came to me, and that’s a first for you. You came and talked to me about what was bothering you without me pestering you. You’ve never done that.”

“You’re such a dork,” Magnus grumbled as a light blush came to his face.

Raphael started to laugh as Mike came into the room, looking somehow exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. 

“I have a finished book,” Mike announced, not even reacting to the two of them cuddled on the couch. 

“Really?” Raphael asked happily. He shifted to get a better look at Mike but he still kept a hand on Magnus. “You’re done?”

“The ending finally clicked for me,” MIke confirmed as he sat down with a beer in his hand. Raphael reached to pull Mike in for a kiss. 

“I’m so happy for you babe,” Raphael said with a grin.

“I can go if you want,” Magnus started to say as he moved to get up.

“No, no, you are welcome to stay,” Mike insisted. “We want you here so that you don’t have to be alone.”

“Exactly,” Raphael agreed as he gazed at Mike fondly. 

Magnus didn’t offer twice as he settled in and cautiously believed that he’d found a place where he belonged. 

MBALMBALMBAL

“What the hell are you doing?”

Could this night get any worse? This night had gone from bad to worse since Magnus’s lips had touched his a few hours ago. They were in the ballroom of one of the nicest hotels in Manhattan with important mingling around them, though Alec could care less about any of them. The night had started with Alec in a bad mood due to his explosive fight with Magnus and then when they had arrived to the hotel it had only gotten worse. A car had backfired in the parking lot as they had been getting out of the car and Alec had nearly lost his shit completely.

In an instant he’d been back in the shadowed hallways of his school with gunshots echoing in his ears and feeling Magnus’s body shaking against his own as they waited for their seemingly inevitable fate. A sharp pain had settled over the scar from his bullet wound and he couldn’t breathe. Nevertheless, he’d had to fight it off since he couldn’t very well fall apart in the middle of a parking lot when Jonathan’s dad was inside waiting for them and his coworkers were all arriving. It was the hardest thing he’d ever done as he had shoved down the panicked feelings and he’d chosen to escape to the minibar as soon as he could. Thank God there was an open bar tonight, his one small mercy the universe had granted him. He was on edge and he felt like one thing could push him over the edge at any given moment. 

“My dad knows you are not twenty-one,” Jon hissed at him as he snatched the glass from him. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Your dad is a bit busy to notice me,” Alec protested, wanting the comfort of the cold glass back in his hand. 

“Are you seriously trying to get drunk at my work party?” Jon was pissed off, and Alec knew he had a right to be. “I am trying to charm some of our best clients and you are over here being unsociable and drinking like some fucking alcoholic.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec apologized, though he didn’t truly feel all that sorry. He thought he’d been doing remarkably well since all he wanted to do was curl up and die all night long. No wonder Magnus didn’t want to be with him. He was a mess, completely a mess. 

“Let’s just go,” Jon had a tight grip on his arm as he maneuvered them through the small crowd and out through the large double doors to Jon’s sleek, black car. Jon was fuming as they sat there with the orange glow of streetlights falling over them. 

“I...The car backfired,” Alec tried to explain with a tongue that felt as heavy as a paperweight. 

“What?” Jon snapped, not making any kind of connection between their argument and the seemingly random statement.

“When we got here that car backfired,” Alec repeated, the shaking in his hands starting already. “It… It sounded like a gunshot. I just… it rattled me and I panicked.”

“You’re always panicking,” Jon said with a roll of his eyes and wasn’t that the damn truth? “Are you ever going to do something about that?”

“Well….there isn’t a whole lot I can do,” Alec said, wondering why everyone was suddenly expecting him to fix his problems. 

“Get some meds or something,” Jon muttered, though he still hadn’t started the car. “Tonight was important Alec, incredibly important.”

Alec didn’t know what else he could say to make any of this better. He had acted like an ass most of the night it was true. He had just figured he could stay out of the way and Jon wouldn’t care either way. “What did you need me for? I was just your plus one, not that you really needed one.”

“I’m dating you,” Jon looked at him like he was incredibly stupid. “I’m a prominent member in this company now and you are my boyfriend. I wanted to show you off a bit and act like I had my life together. Do you know how awkward it was to talk to all those couples alone? I needed you for support and for my wingman. We’re supposed to be a team.”

“Dating?” Alec repeated, his mind still stuck on the very first words out of the other’s mouth. 

“Aren’t we?” Jon demanded, his green eyes glinting and there was a look Alec really didn’t like in them. He suddenly remembered the one and only thing he hadn’t liked the first time they were dating. Jon had a temper, and it was a bad one. He suddenly felt incredibly nervous alone in the car with Jon. 

“Not really,” Alec got out softly. His anxiety was only moments away from boiling over and he felt it rising up to choke him. This night had been a disaster from start to finish. 

“Not really?” Jon echoed his question back at him, his anger growing back to full force. “You mean I’ve spent all my free time with you and I went with you to that stupid party and I let you fuck me five nights of the week for nothing? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Jon, don’t yell,” Alec pleaded softly. He knew he deserved the screaming, but his nerves were shot already. The alcohol was making it all worse instead of better tonight for some reason. He was slightly dizzy and disoriented and he really wanted to be home. Except home now held Magnus Bane and he couldn’t face all of that yet either. 

“You’re a fucking asshole,” Jon yelled at him in the tiny confines of the car. His hands were clenched on the wheel. “Don’t you dare start crying.”

“I’m not,” Alec protested, even as he felt his throat closing over. Crying was always his reaction to yelling since he’d been a kid. It had happened every single time Robert had yelled at him as well. He hated that his knee jerk reaction to someone screaming at him was tears, and it had gotten him in trouble so many times. 

“You don’t get to be the world’s biggest ass and then cry about it,” Jon told him.

“I never told you we were dating,” Alec tried to calm him down and distract himself from the urge to cry. “We were just having sex.”

“No!” Jon argued forcibly. “That’s complete shit. I went to the hospital with you when your sister was sick. I’ve been with you for weeks every spare moment we had. It was not just sex between us.”

“It’s not my problem if you got attached,” Alec argued. “I never made anything a date. I never took you out. You kept spreading your legs for me so I assumed you were fine with things.”

The collision of knuckles to his face never failed to surprise him even if some part of him knew he deserved it and that it was coming. Jon backhanded him hard enough to make his head snap to the side. Pain blossomed over his cheek and he knew he’d have a bruise there in the morning. 

“Get out of my car, ” Jon said, his voice the coldest Alec had ever heard it. 

“Am I supposed to walk home?” Alec protested. “You know I can’t afford a taxi in Manhattan.”

“That’s your problem,” Jon looked at him coolly. “Maybe you can find some street whore to take home. Ot just call your stupid friends crying that might do the trick.”

“Glad this is over I guess,” Alec muttered as he got out and slammed the door behind him. The minute the door closed Jon squealed out of his spot and nearly ran him over before speeding out onto the street. He sighed and sat down on the curb, wondering who the hell to even call at midnight. 

He tried Simon and Aline but neither of them answered, probably already asleep like normal people. He knew if he called his sibling then his uncle would find out anyways, so he went to the source. Two fights in one night, and neither had been intentional. He’d honestly thought Jon had known they weren’t in a relationship. The party at Aline’s had been a casual thing and every other time they’d been together besides in the bedroom had been extenuating circumstances. He was hardly ready to date anyone. 

Then it hit him like a punch to the gut that Magnus had been absolutely right to tell him to fuck right off.

Magnus deserved better than him right now. Alec’s emotions kept getting him in trouble time and again because he had absolutely no control over them. He was destroying most of the relationships in his life.

“Alec?” Raphael’s voice came over the line, his voice deep with the pull of sleep and this was probably the best outcome he could have hoped for. 

“Raphael,” Alec sighed in relief. “Is my uncle asleep?”

“He’s out, yeah,” Raphael confirmed as he became more alert. “Something wrong?”

“I need a ride home,” Alec told him. “Things with Jon went really bad and he left me here. I’m at the Hilton downtown. Can you help me out? Please?”

“You’re batting a thousand tonight, huh?” Raphael commented and it was clear he had found out about the fight with Magnus as well. “I’ll be there soon. You’re alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Alec confirmed. “Thank you. I owe you.”

He only had to wait about twenty minutes before Raphael was there to save him from being stranded. 

“Hi,” Alec greeted quietly, trying to hide the fact that the tears had let loose when he’d finally been alone. He had no right to be crying tonight. He was the one that had caused so much pain, but he’d never meant any of it. 

“Evening,” Raphael greeted before taking a second look at him. He snapped on the light overhead and grabbed Alec’s chin gently. “Alec, what happened to your face? Did he hit you?”

“We had quite the fight,” Alec told him, wincing as gentle fingers traced over his cheek. “I deserved it, completely.”

“Don’t you say that,” Raphael said sternly, concern on his face. “I don’t care if you insulted his mother. He still doesn’t have a right to lay a hand on you.”

“I guess,” Alec didn’t have the opinion of his character that Raphael apparently had. 

“You’ve been crying,” Raphael said gently, a finger swiping under his eye. “I’m glad you called for a ride. You’ve had a shitty night.”

“How are you nice to me?” Alec wondered out loud. “Are you a saint or something?”

 

“What do you mean by that?” Raphael hadn’t put the car in drive just yet since his eyes were still making sure he was in one piece.

“You must know about my fight with Magnus,” Alec said as he ran a hand through his hair. “I was an ass to him. You love Magnus and I’m the guy that makes him cry most of the time. Yet you’re still nice to me.”

“Alec,” Raphael said patiently. “Things with Magnus and yourself are complicated. He’s done as much pushing and pulling as you have. You two want to be together but your timing is horrible. Magnus is worried about you.”

“It was all because of that stupid car,” Alec said as he leaned his head back, an ache starting behind his eyes. “It backfired and it reminded me of a gunshot which made my nerves shot to hell and the whole night went to shit after that. I don’t feel like I can control any of my emotions anymore. I can’t control when I get angry or when my anxiety comes or goes. I cry whenever someone yells at me even when I deserve it. I used to have more control than this.”

“Well of course your nerves were a mess after thinking of the shooting,” Raphael told him. “Did you tell this Jon guy about it?”

 

“Yeah, and he just said that I’m always anxious. Which is true these days.” Alec sighed deeply and was grateful Raphael was here. 

“So you thought whiskey was a good idea to get rid of your anxiety?” Raphael asked, and Alec winced at being found out.

“It normally helps,” Alec confessed. “I can’t keep having attacks everywhere I go.”

“You’re repressing the reason the attacks are coming,” Raphael explained. “That’s why they’re getting more frequent. How often are these attacks happening?”

“Not that often,” Alec lied.

“Truth Alexander, now.” Raphael sounded like a parent in this moment and it didn’t feel as wrong as it probably should have. 

“At least twice a day,” Alec told him reluctantly. “I’m going to look into meds for it. I’ll be fine.”

“First of all those meds are not a cure all,” Raphael told him sternly. “Second of all you need to see a therapist to even get your hands on any. Those are not to be taken lightly. They are very serious medications. I’ve been trying to let you come to the decision on your own, but your decisions lately have been horrible. You need to be in therapy Alec, before anything else. Until you admit that then you’re going to be miserable. I know you were hoping they’d go away and so was I. It’s obvious the shooting that happened was just the tipping point for your anxiety to go haywire.”

“Okay,” Alec could only say as tears rose again even if he didn’t want them to. Raphael sighed and pulled him in for a hug. Alec let out a dry sob against his shoulder and wished his life would go back to being manageable. Raphael rubbed his back for a moment and squeezed him tightly before letting him sit back. 

“Can we go home?” Alec asked, exhausted and ready for the day to be over. Raphael put the car in gear and they drove him in the silence of the early morning hours.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again everyone! I went on vacation and honestly planned to write like three chapters....but that didn't really happen. Sorry for the wait. Love you guys and thank you for your comments and support! Enjoy the chapter and happy reading :)

They had sunlight in December, which was close to a miracle in Manhattan, and it was streaming across the dark blue carpet softly. The clock ticking seemed to echo in his head as he sat staring at his hands playing with the fringe on the pillow. Raphael didn’t seem like the kind of guy to decorate his office with fringe lined pillows. The rest of his office was modern and sleek looking. The couches were unquestionably comfortable and sleet gray. The desk was black and perfectly polished and he wondered if Raphael really wasted extra time polishing it nightly. Then there were the fringe pillows among the sleek and modern and it just felt out of place. Maybe that’s why it was the first thing he had picked up. He felt just as out of place as the pillows did. 

They had been sitting in silence for twenty minutes and it was grating on his nerves exponentially. He knew that Raphael was used to clients sitting in silence, but then again he was pro bono and that had to make a difference.

“I don’t know what to say,” Alec said quietly, flinching at the way his voice echoed through the room. “I don’t know what to talk about.”

“We can talk about anything,” Raphael said quietly. He put aside the crossword he’d been working on and rested his elbows on his knees. “We can talk about the holidays coming up or school or whatever you’d like.”

“But you’re going to analyze everything I say and tell my uncle I need to be committed,” Alec muttered, looking at his knees and hated himself for agreeing to this. Therapy wasn’t something he did. 

“Is that why you agreed to come?” Raphael shook his head. “I’m not here on some agenda. Unless you told your uncle he doesn’t even know you’re with me. I’m not here to analyze you in any way. We know you have anxiety, that isn’t something in question. You don’t need a diagnosis. You need to come up with a few ways to manage it and hopefully talking through a few things might help. We’re not going to uncover any secrets here. We are going to talk about the things you keep locked inside you under lock and key.”

“Talking about it makes it worse,” Alec protested quietly. He remembered when Simon and a few others were talking about the shooting once they were back in school. He didn’t last more than five minutes before he desperately needed air outside in the courtyard. It wasn’t because of a particular reason. It was just like his recurring dreams he couldn’t pinpoint. There wasn’t really a scene he played over and over. It was more like drowning in blackness and having the feeling of panic and helplessness come up to suffocate him. 

“Sometimes it’s like some kind of infection,” Raphael said with a small shrug. “It has to get worse before it gets better.”

“I can’t do this,” Alec uncrossed his legs and he wanted to leave so badly. He wanted to, but he knew walking out that door wasn’t the way back to Magnus. It wasn’t the way back to being a functioning member of society. It wasn’t the way back to being the Alec that he wanted to be. 

“We could just talk about Christmas,” Raphael suggested quietly. 

“You mean the first Christmas without either of my parents even in this state?” Alec snapped without meaning to. He hated the nauseous feeling that rose when he thought about the fact that his parents were both gone for the holidays. He already knew neither of them would so much as call. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”

“You never talk about your parents,” Raphael pointed out gently. “I’ve heard your siblings talk about them. Jace is rather bitter, but he still talks. You don’t say a word.”

“I can’t,” Alec ran a hand through his hair and got to his feet to pace. “I can’t talk about them because I have no idea what would happen if I did. Sometimes I’m sure I would break down crying, but other times I think it would just come out as a scream.”

“Robert left you with some major anxiety,” Raphael pointed out. “Even before homecoming night you were a generally anxious person?”

“Yeah, he did cause a lot of it,” Alec agreed, the topic not making his heart race yet. “He demanded perfection, and I could never reach it.”

“I’m glad you at least realize his expectations were unrealistic,” Raphael told him. He glanced at his watch and Alec regretted that their time had gone so quickly. “Okey, sit for a minute. I’m going to teach you a quick few things that might help you if you find yourself with levels of anxiety that you can’t control.”

“Okay,” Alec said slowly as he sat back down in his spot.

“The first technique we are going going to talk about is grounding,” Raphael explained. “Before I get into that though I want you to always remember that anxiety always passes. I know when you’re in that moment it feels like it’s going to last forever. Anxiety comes in waves and the waves often come in far above our heads but eventually they go back out with the tide. The second thing I want you to remember is that you can do anything anxious that you can do normally. You are in control of your body at all times, and that’s hard to accept when your anxiety is telling you to opposite.” Raphael held up a hand between them with his fingers spread apart. “Grounding is really simple to put into practice. When your anxiety starts creeping up and becoming overwhelming I want you to look around you and name five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. “ 

“Do I have to do the finger thing?” Alec asked, trying to absorb what Raphael had said and convincing himself that he might bring himself to do it. 

“No, Alec, the finger part isn’t necessary,” Raphael rolled his eyes with a fond smirk. “I’m sorry I have to kick you out. I hope this wasn’t torture and that you come back. This will help you Alec, I promise.”

“You have paying clients,” Alec waved a hand as he rose to his feet, a feeling of relief coming over him now that he was allowed to leave. “Mike does only love you for your money.”

“See you tonight,” Raphael squeezed his shoulder before he left. Alec sighed to himself as he maneuvered his way out of the building. He could only admit to himself that somehow he did feel better. They hadn’t spoken about anything important, or even much of anything at all, but he still felt better in a way he couldn’t explain. 

He twined his scarf around his neck as he stepped outside and snowflakes were in his hair almost immediately. He sighed irritably at the cold and the fact that he was stuck walking alone before looking up to see a sight warm enough to make his bad mood melt away instantly.

Magnus stood there, also wrapped in a scarf, looking tall and slender and beautiful with two cups of steaming hot coffee in his hands and a smile on his face. Despite all they’d been through over the short holiday break Magnus was still here for him when he needed support the most. Alec had yelled at him and thrown around the feelings they had like they didn’t mean a damn thing. He’d been demanding of things he didn’t yet deserve. He had done all of that and yet here was Magnus in front of him like none of it mattered. 

“Coffee will help,’ Magnus held out a cup to him with a small smile.

“Help with what?” Alec questioned, sighing softly as warmth came into his fingers immediately. He took a cautious sip and found it to be one of the holiday drinks that had finally started this week. The sweetness surprised him, but in a very good way. 

“The feeling that you will never be able to get a handle on yourself,” Magnus said with a small laugh. “That and the cold as well.”

“How long have you been in therapy?” Alec asked him as they started to walk down the much less crowded streets now that snow as a regular visitor. The sidewalks were now simply busy instead of packed from curb to curb. He still walked a tad closer to Magnus than strictly necessary. 

“I think a bit over a year,’ Magnus took a sip of his own drink and Alec couldn’t help wondering what he’d gotten for himself. He hoped it was half as good as his own was. “Wow, how has Raphael only now given up on me?”

“You know that’s not it,” Alec admonished him. “Has it helped at all? I don’t know exactly what you’re in for, but has it helped?”

“Park?” Magnus nodded his head to the park they were walking by. “The coffee should last at least one lap. Plus, I’m sure you don’t want to go back to the interrogation house.”

“Sorry you’ve had to listen to Jace and I fight,” Alec rolled his eyes. “He doesn’t know how to let anything go.”

“You know that he’s already figured out what happened, don’t you?” Magnus asked with a glance at him. His cheeks were flushed with cold and snow was caught in his hair. He looked so beautiful with the white glow all around them of freshly fallen snow. 

“Jace is smart,’ Alec agreed easily. Their hands brushed as they walked and Alec wanted to take Magnus’s hand so badly it ached. He knew he’d messed up things between them so badly, and more than once. He was pretty confident Magnus bringing him coffee was nothing more than some kind of olive branch. 

“You think he’ll do something to Jon if you confirm it?” Magnus asked, again knowing the answer probably. 

“Jace has a very high protective streak like I do. His just tends to come out in anger more often than mine does.” Alec didn’t know if he wanted to toe this close to the Jonathan subject. His phone had been silent since that night, not that he’d expected anything different. Magnus, however, didn’t pry any further and led them to watch the gaggle of people ice skating. 

“Therapy with Raphael saved my life,” Magnus said quietly. He had gone back to Alec’s original question. “I’m not sure if he even knows that. It wasn’t some heroic thing. It’s more something I realized after the fact. I never knew how horrible I felt as Margaret before I became Magnus. I’d been sad for so long that the cause of it all had escaped me over the years.” Magnus took a sip of coffee and swallowed a few times.

“I wasn’t trying to pry,” Alec told him, touching his hand gently. “You don’t have to go into detail.”

“I think you and I have skimmed the surface long enough,” Magnus replied. “If we’re going to try then it has to be an all in effort from the both of us. “

“You want to try?” Alec’s mouth and throat had suddenly gone completely dry and he hardly dared to believe he was interpreting the words correctly.

“You went to therapy,” Magnus bit his lip and looked at his hands. “You’re making an effort to try and get better. We aren’t ready yet, and we need to know a lot more about one another before I’m ready to...date.”

“It won’t be wasted effort,” Alec promised him, hoping he could live up to it. Magnus smiled at him and steeled himself up to finish what he wanted to say.

“I was raised as a little girl about six blocks from this park,” Magnus said quietly enough for only the two of them to hear. “My father, well I never knew him. He left when I was born more or less. Ironically enough he wanted a boy which was big part of the reason he left. The other reason was that I wasn’t his child.” Alec knew this was one of the hardest things Magnus had probably ever had to do. The last person he’d spelled this out for had probably been Raphael. “My mother was beautiful and so...pure. She had a kind soul and I think she used to teach before her sickness got the best of her. I never knew her as that person. I think my father leaving after she was raped broke her.”

“Oh God,” Alec said without meaning to.

“My story isn’t a happy one, “Magnus said simply. “She ended up going back to the man that got her pregnant and begging him to take her in with a little girl. I was pretty and I was a kind of prize for him. He could show us off as the perfect mother and daughter for a little while. He liked having someone at home to cook for him and take care of the house. We kept his character references clean and he could do as he liked. He never loved her, though I didn’t realize that until she was swinging from her bedroom ceiling.” Magnus was shaking and Alec knew it wasn’t from the cold. He took Magnus’s hand, even if he probably was pressing all kinds of boundaries. “My point Alec, is that I only have limited memories of my mother anywhere but our home. She used to bring me to this park and play when she was feeling up to it. Every memory I have with her involves me as someone else. I will never know if she’d love me as Magnus. Raphael tells me she would have, and he’s probably right.” He gripped Alec’s hand back tightly. “For me, transitioning is so complicated. It’s more than who I am now. It’s coming to terms with a past that’s almost impossible to put to rest. It’s staring at myself every single day in the mirror and losing my mother’s face with every T shot I get.”

“Mags, I’m so sorry,” Alec felt the urge to say. “I never knew your mother killed herself.”

“He hated her,” Magnus was crying silently and Alec hated that he was putting himself through this much pain. “I watched him hate her and could do nothing. He verbally abused her, told her she was worthless when she couldn’t bring herself to cook or clean. He ignored her when she begged him to come be with her, when she was lonely. He yelled at me when I would go be with her at night. He told me I was enabling her to be a lazy bitch. Then she died and he never forgave her even then. He didn’t have one kind thing to say about her or even tried to comfort me when I lost my mother. He threatened to throw me out every time I didn’t get the chores done or keep my room cleaned. He said he wasn’t going to put up with another waste of space in his house. The day after she died he made me clean up all the leaves in the yard and cook for the funeral that weekend. When I didn’t get up with my alarm he’d drag me out of bed.”

“God, how fucked up was your father?” Alec had always thought Robert had been bad, but his was so much worse.

“I’m telling you this for only one reason,” Magnus finally said, though he sounded much more exhausted than he had when he had handed Alec a cup of coffee. “I’m not trying to prove that I had the more horrible childhood. I’m not trying to invalidate all that you suffered through your dad. I just need you to understand why I’m so scared. The only mercy my mother had was that I don’t think she ever loved him. If she had I don’t want to think about how she might have felt. I know you tell me you understand what it means to be depressed, but I’m so scared you don’t. I like you Alec, so much. I like you beyond reason sometimes. What we had was weirdly intense, and that isn’t a bad thing. I like you and I could love you. I would never be able to handle it if you began to hate me for something I don’t know if I can ever be able to fix.”

“I could never hate you,” Alec said, closing his own eyes and remembering how the minute the door had slammed behind him his anger at Magnus had faded after their fight. “You don’t hate me after kissing you and then yelling at you about it.”

“It’s not the same-” Magnus started but Alec was quick to cut him off.

“No, it isn’t,” Alec placed a hand on Magnus’s elbow and held tightly so that their eyes could lock. HIs stomach came into his throat it felt like and he had to force himself to keep making his point. “What I’ve been doing to you is worse. I’ve been caught up in my own problems and I never think from your perspective. I never should have put my hands under your shirt in my bedroom. I never should have kissed you when I know that neither of us is ready. You are transitioning and it must be scary as hell and I am the first person you’ve been with since. You have depression and I keep brushing it off when you try and tell me what that’s like. With Jonathan it was simple and it was fast. We fell in bed together effortlessly and I never regretted it until I met you. I wish we could both discover things together and that I wasn’t so eager to scratch the itch again. Then when things got rocky and complicated I went back to the only person I’d ever been with that was so toxic for me. I made you feel less because of that. You don’t hate me for all of those things, even though you should. You bring me coffee after finally going to therapy and you’re always here. You pull me out of panic attack and everything else.” Alec took a deep breath and placed a hand on Magnus’s cheek. “I am never going to hate you. I just want to help you.”

Magnus nodded silently before pulling him into a hug, unable to speak. Alec held him tightly and vowed to himself not screw this up this time. He would let things go at Magnus’s pace, and only Magnus’s pace. His life was calming down at last and now he had the perspective to see that Magnus needed his patience. 

They would figure this out. They would someday get what they both desperately wanted. 

MBALMBALMBAL

Izzy walked out of her therapy building drained and frustrated. Alec wasn’t here today. He had texted to say he was spending some time with Magnus, which she was more than okay with. It was far better than spending him with Morganstern. Her brother was happy again, and that was so rare to see. Alec hadn’t been happy for years, not since their mother left. A light had gone out the morning after she had left them alone. He had killed himself for the last two years, and now he could act his age and fall in love with a gorgeous boy. 

She was struggling to do the same.

Simon was on his way to give her a ride. She probably had no right to call him since she hadn’t said so much as a word since she had told him at the concert she wanted to be with him. Her feelings hadn’t changed, not one bit, but therapy had made her see how far she had to go. How hard this was going to be to get back to where she used to be. She still struggled with eating like she should, and that was the very base of all she had to come to terms with. Her therapist had given her homework that she hadn’t been able to bring herself to do. She was to write a letter to each of her parents and tell them how she felt. Tell them the effect their actions had had on her. It was supposed to be a calm and honest letter to each of them. It was meant to clear the air enough to let her heal what they had done to her. She had thought it wouldn’t be so hard, at least the one to her mother. Maryse Lightwood had left their father and just hadn’t wanted to take them along. She worked for one of the largest modeling agencies of the west coast. She would have been equally as absent as their father. She had left them in their home, but it hurt. It hurt that she never called between their visits. It hurt when she would make comments comparing Isabelle to her models for years. It hurt that no matter how much money she spent of makeup or clothes it never helped her mother’s opinion of her. She never dated the right person or wore the right colors. It was all so shallow, but it was the only way she knew to make her mother notice her. Her mother ignored Alec completely, besides trying to fix him up with one of her models. She saw the way Maryse didn’t even see her brother and the thought of her looking at isabelle the same way made her panic. Her father never saw her since the divorce. He never saw her accomplishments or how beautiful she was. He saw women as having no value at all besides their bodies. 

It was all so messed up..

Simon pulled up in his red car that had more rust than paint on it with upbeat music playing loudly from his stereo worth more than the entire car. Simon was definitely the guy that could care less if all the paint chipped off so long as he had the best stereo system to exist. She felt herself smile again effortlessly and wondered why the hell she hadn’t called him every day. 

“Iz!” He greeted her enthusiastically. “It’s snowing!”

 

“It’s December, so it does that,” She teased him as she got in his car. The familiar smells of oil, leather, and the cologne Simon had worn since she’d bought him the first bottle of it years ago. 

“We love snow,” Simon reminded her as if she’d forgotten. “I say today is great for ice skating.”

“We never end up actually skating,” Izzy said around a laugh. She was curled against the passenger door and slowly one foot was lowering to the floor. 

“Well, the skating isn’t what matters,” Simon glanced over at her to see her curled up still and his elated grin faded to a look of concern. She hated the fact that he had to look like that and that was why she hadn’t called him. The slow fading of his bright smile was what she hated to see. He didn’t comment on her behavior, but instead he pulled into a restaurant parking lot they loved. She honestly hoped he didn’t want to eat right now because her stomach was in knots. He hopped out of the car and left it running without saying a word either way about it. She sat up straight and wondered what on earth Simon was doing here. She loved Simon, but he would always be a bit of a mystery.

“Okay, I’m back,” Simon got in the car with his customary grin back on his face. “Alec is already at the park when I called him and Magnus was enthusiastic about skating so he’s stuck there. Aline was all for it as well so skating is a plan.”

“You had to stop here to call them?” Izzy asked him obliviously before spotting two shakes in his hands. Cookies and cream was her favorite shake flavor and this place made them the best. They were so thick and creamy and it made you happy no matter what kind of day you were having.

“I had to bring some kind of smile to your face,” Simon said softly as he held out a shake to her. “This is your favorite and I’ve never seen you turn it down. Plus, you skipped lunch today.”

“It wasn’t because of that,” Isabelle defended quickly. “I had to catch up on so much for student council and Will has been doing everything on his own. He thinks I’m not competent these days anyways because he’s a boy who thinks I’m incapable of doing my job. We have three weeks to do fundrasiers and holiday activities and stupid shit. Plus my counselor has been on me about meeting about college stuff. I had so much-”

“I wasn’t getting on your case,” Simon gently touched her arm and she felt it down to her fingertips. It made a calming warmth spread over her and her stomach loosened just the slightest bit. “I just know you like them, that’s it. I trust you Isabelle, completely.”

“Alec freaked out on me the other day,” Izzy said weakly as she took the offered drink. “I was too busy to eat breakfast since I woke up late. I was almost in school and he’s there in my face holding some bagel thing and he looked so panicked. Then he was making me stressed so I couldn’t eat and he kept pushing.”

“He’s freaking out about a lot lately,” Simon defended his friend gently. “It wasn’t you. He wa scared Iz, terrified. I’ve never seen him cry like that when you collapsed. He felt so guilty and so afraid for you.”

“Guilty for what?” She took a sip of her drink inadvertently, and closed her eyes in bliss. It tasted better than ever and it’d been so long since she’d let herself enjoy food or anything close. 

“I guess he’d figured it out a while ago,” Simon shook his head as he took a long drink from his own cup. “LIke, before the dance he knew or something and he didn’t tell anyone. Then he got shot and still felt bad for not taking care of you. I told him he was being stupid, but you know how he is.”

“Oh Alec,” She said softly. Her big brother would never stop taking care of her and not being able to probably nearly killed him. She was glad he was up for a group outing with their friends at least. It would be nice to see him smile and laugh again. Her mind caught up to what Simon had said when he’d called her brother and she paused mid-sip. “Wait, Alec is still with Magnus? I thought those two weren’t really speaking? What are they doing in the park together for this long?”

“I guess we should find out. I don’t keep up with them,” Simon put the car in gear and pulled back out onto the road. She couldn’t help glancing at Simon out of the corner of her eye as he sang along to his favorite Fall Out Boy album happily. She wanted to ask him something, but she didnt’ want to bring down his mood. Seeing Simon anything other than the happy man he was right now made her want to die inside. 

“Can I ask you something?” She said when a break between songs created a lull of silence. 

“Of course, anything,” Simon said without hesitating as he turned the music down. She took a deep breath and hoped she could phrase this right.

“If you could write a letter to your dad, what would you say?” She was wary to ask. They didn’t talk about Simon’s dad, period. He had been angry about it for the first year, but now he simply didn’t mention it. He looked startled at the question, understandably so. 

“God, I don’t know,” Simon stuttered out at first. She was slightly disappointed for a moment, thinking that’s all he would say. “I guess I’d just catch him up on my life? I mean, it’s been years and he has a lot to know. I’d tell him about Mom and Becca. I’d tell him about you.”

“Me?” She laughed a little, surprised. “Why would you tell him about me?”

“He always thought we would get married,” Simon shook his head as she felt her heart stop for a moment. “Even before we dated he used to say it. Actually, wait, we didn’t date until after he passed away. Holy shit, I forget sometimes how much he’s missed. When you used to tease me or pull pranks or just generally drive me crazy but I’d still be going over your place the next day he’d say I’d marry you. He said that if I still wanted to be next to you when you drove me crazy that I loved you. I’d have to update him on all of that. Hell, he’d ask before I could probably.”

“I never knew that,” She had a lump in her throat and she hoped the shake would make it go away somehow. “What...what would you tell him?” Why was she even asking this? What did she expect him to say?

“I’d tell him that he was right,” Simon shrugged again, though he was blushing. “That I do love you and that I still want to be next to you as much as you let me. I would tell him that you were the one who made me pursue my dreams when I was afraid to. I….I would tell him that no matter how broken Isabelle thinks she is I never see her that way.”

“Why do you say things like that?” She said, tears falling absently. 

“I’m not going to be dishonest with my dead father,” Simon joked weakly. “Or with you.”

“I have to write my dad a letter,” Isabelle confessed. “My therapist wants me to write a letter to them both.”

“Do you have to send them?” Simon asked, taking her hand. It felt more natural holding his hand than to see it dangle over the center console. It was instinct to be with him than to be without. 

“She didn’t say either way,” She played with his ring absently. “It wouldn’t make much sense if I didn’t, right?”

“You won’t be as honest if you send them,” Simon said. “Then again, if anyone deserves your full wrath it’s those two.”

“I’m not even that angry anymore,” She set aside her drink and started to play with the end of her braid. “Well, I am in a few ways. I’m angry he left Alec in the hospital. I’m angry he made Alec to insecure about everything. I’m angry for what he did to Alec more than what he did to me.”

“I’m angry at him for what he did to you,” The hand on the wheel tightened, though the hand holding hers remained gentle as ever. 

“Alec had one of his attacks at dinner last night,” Izzy told Simon, shaking her head sadly. “He had helped with dinner, though normally Mike and Raphael both kick him out of the kitchen. He had made the salad and forgotten cucumber in it. We were eating and then Jace commented something was missing. Max piped up it was missing the cucumber after a few minutes and Alec went pale as a sheet. He apologized at least a dozen times before Mike could get through to him. He was so scared over a stupid thing like forgetting cucumbers. He was humiliated afterward of course. That is what my father did to him. He made my strong, confident brother panic over cucumbers. He made him afraid to achieve less than perfection. He wouldn’t speak the rest of the meal and he cleaned up everything meticulously afterward. I heard him trying to apologize again after dinner, which is when they both hugged him. Dad leaving might have been awful, but it truly was the best thing for Alec. He can feel loved now, and not feel guilty for it. He doesn’t have to compensate anymore for Mom leaving.”

“Poor Alec,” Simon said sadly. He was silent for a moment before speaking as they were only a mile from the park. “You should be angry for what he’s done to you. I’m angry you don’t dance anymore. He’s made it so you don’t see yourself anymore. You see everything you aren’t. He made you quiet. He made you complacent. You don’t speak your mind anymore. I love the fire in you, even if it gets you in trouble and it drives me crazy sometimes. I miss the way you used to call people out on being assholes. I miss the Iz I know as well as my own sister.”

“You said you still loved me,” Izzy tried to pull her hand away, but Simon held tight until he could park the car. 

“I do,” He told her seriously. His brown eyes were so soft and sincere, but there was a fire behind them. 

“For the way I am now? Quiet and complacent?” She was so unsure if she could be the girl ready to take on the world and more any longer. FIghting your own body took the rest of your fight out of you. “I don’t know if I can go back Simon. I don’t know if I can be that person again.”

“Yes,” He rested a hand on her cheek and she leaned into it on instinct. “We will get your fire back in time. This isn’t the rest of your life Iz, this reality. I’m never going to stop loving you, ever. I’m in this Izzy, for the long haul. When you write that letter to your father you tell him that. Tell him that no matter how much love he took away from you I intend to give it back tenfold.”

“I will,” She said, her heart feeling like it would burst with how much she loved this stupid boy who would never leave her. She leaned forward to kiss him, the taste of strawberry hitting her as their tongues tangled on instinct. His hands cradled her face as she leaned awkwardly over the console while the other hand tangled in his hair. She sighed into his mouth softly and wondered why the hell she had denied herself this for six months. 

“That’s still my sister Lewis!” Jace’s voice broke their kiss as well as him tapping on the window rudely. Simon blushed on cue and got flustered, nearly dumping their shakes. Isabelle frowned, however, and draped her arms around Simon’s neck while raising her middle finger as she kissed Simon slowly. Jace laughed loudly as he walked past with Clary’s hand in his towards the ice rink. 

“What the fuck?” Simon got out as he glimpsed them. “What is Jace doing?”

“Walking with his girlfriend,” Isabelle said, confused. “Ruining my life.”

“No,” Simon straightened up and Izzy knew their intimacy was over. “We watched Clary get out of some other guy’s car the other day. Her therapy assistant she made out with.”

“Clary made out with another guy?” How much had she missed?

“According to Alec,” Simon reported. “I had to stop him from strangling her. Jace was torn up about it.”

“Well, they made up? I have no clue. Jace doesn’t put up with that stuff.”

“He shouldn’t,” Simon ran a hand through his hair. “Clary leaving would break him.”

“As long as I have Clary I have all I need,’ Izzy quoted her brother by heart. Jace had been saying it time and again for the last year. Robert had hurt him as much as the rest of them, though they had a habit of forgetting that.

“Do we confront her?” Simon glanced at her.

“Or him,” She replied, getting out of the car to see what was going on. Simon easily caught up to her, their hands joining naturally. Her worry of not being who he needed hadn’t left, but she could do with having some love back in her life. She was tired of fighting Simon, so she wanted to try letting him love her. 

“Hey Iz,” Alec greeted her, though he looked grumpy with his feet shoved into skates.

“Someone got you into ice skates?” She teased him, accepting his hug. She saw him glance towards their joined hands and a small smile crossed his face. 

“Simon?” He murmured to her quietly. She glanced to see Magnus staring at her brother fondly as he leaned on the railing. 

“Magnus?” She returned just as quietly. He blushed and instinctively glanced at the boy already on the ice. 

“Touche,” Alec conceded before Aline appeared and started laughing loudly at the sight of the eldest Lightwood in skates. Alec didn’t skate, period. He’d never gotten on the ice no matter how many times they dragged him to a rink. He always said that he had no coordination for any of it. Magnus Bane had gotten her brother into ice skates and this was going to be so entertaining to watch. 

The five of them got their skates sorted out and were just about to take to the ice when Aline started to wave and smile at someone behind the lot of them.

“Lydia! Over here!” Izzy couldn’t hide her surprise.

“Wow,” She muttered to Simon as they stepped onto the ice. He graciously held out a hand for her to gain her balance before skating forward.

“That’s weird,” Simon agreed with her. “She’s blonde and maybe that’s shallow but it’s weirding me out.”

“Is Aline into her?” Izzy asked, watching the two girls exchange smiles as Aline did up Lydia’s skates for her. 

“I don’t think she’ll admit she is,” Simon replied, taking her hand this time because he simply wanted to. It was probably strange how easily they fell back into a relationship, but it felt nice. She glanced behind them to see Jace and Clary skating close together, but not nearly as mushy as they normally were. Maybe Jace hadn’t forgiven her after all yet.

“Oh God, Alec hasn’t gotten on the ice,” Izzy said around a giggle as she saw her brother hesitating to step forward and Magnus trying not to laugh next to him.

“Why would he agree in the first place?” Simon shook his head. “He doesn’t skate.”

“The same way as I got you onto that stage years ago when you didn’t play in front of crowds,” She kissed his cheek before soaring off to come up next to Jace.

“Race you over to Alec? We have to mock him mercilessly for being afraid of ice,” She challenged her brother with raised eyebrows. Jace never failed to take the bait on a challenge. 

“You don’t get a head start this year!” He called, racing off without hesitation. She rolled her eyes and easily matched him in no time as they reached the other side of the rink.

“I’m not going to let you fall,” Magnus was saying, patiently holding out his hand. “If you can roller blade then you can skate. I’m right here.”

“I can’t,” Alec said weakly, looking incredibly embarrassed as people kept passing him. Most of them were kids a foot shorter than him and ten years younger. 

“Trust me,” Magnus took Alec’s hand and pulled him onto the ice carefully, grabbing his waist the first sign of him wobbling. Izzy felt her heart melt as Alec smiled at the other boy in a way she’d never seen before. His face was so soft and so open that it took her breath away. 

“Mocking Alec aborted,” Izzy told Jace, tugging him in a loop so Alec wouldn’t see them. “On to plan of interrogating Jace on being an idiot.”

“That plan won’t get you far,” Jace replied, scowling at her. 

“What the hell is up with you and Clary?” Izzy launched straight into what Simon had told her. “She kisses another guy and you’re still holding her hand and acting like that’s just fine? Jace, I know you love her, but come on.”

“You...You don’t….” Jace faltering for words wasn’t something she was used to. He was quick, witty, and sniped out comebacks as fast as she did. He was not one to falter in a verbal fight.

“She has no right to treat you like that,” Izzy told him firmly. “That’s a bitch move and I don’t care what she’s been through. You’re my brother and you adore her. She needs to learn to value that.”

“She said it didn’t mean anything,” Jace wouldn’t look at her as they slowly took the far corner of the rink. “She told me it was a lapse of judgement.”

“She was getting out of his car?” Isabelle couldn’t understand why her brother wasn’t putting this girl through more hell. “That doesn’t seem like a lapse to me. That seems like a decision.”

“She isn’t going to leave,” Jace said confidently. “She wouldn’t, no she couldn’t, after all we’ve been through. She cares about me more than that. We are working through it.”

“Alec just slipped for the third time,” Izzy changed the subject, trying to hide a smile at Alec falling on his ass. “My guess is we’re going to be leaving in less than a half hour. A cold Alec is a grumpy Alec.”

“You got that right,” Jace shot her a grateful look for letting the Clary matter drop and skated ahead to get a few more laps in before their brother insisted their fun was over...or at least it was for him. 

“Did you go beat up Jace?” Simon caught up to her again and tugged on her scarf playfully. 

“I don’t bully the pathetic,” She said without any heat behind her words. “He’s either right and this will work out his way. Or he’s very wrong and he’ll wake up to it sooner rather than later.”

“You’ve gone soft Iz,” He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her to him, pressing a kiss to her head. She smiled to herself and got off the ice with Simon right behind her as he always would be. Things were finally looking better, and it felt amazing.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody!! Hope everyone had a good holiday in the US if you celebrate Thanksgiving. I was spending time with family so beyond the plane I didn't get any writing done at all oops. So this chapter is turning into a monster so I decided to split it into two parts. Part one is Christmas and then next chapter will be New Year's, and it's almost done. I'm sorry my updates are like so far and few and I appreciate the people still willing to read even though I'm horrible at consistent updates. I truly love all of you for your support so much!!! Here's to hoping that the next chapter will be out before Christmas!!! Also, I'm terrible and working on a new project that popped in my head so look out for that as well. Yes then I will have four flipping stories to work on, what can I say? Anyways, yes, happy reading and see you all soon!!!

Alec woke up insanely early on Christmas morning and cursed himself for the three hours of sleep he’d managed to get. He had been up late lost in thought and he had stayed up talking with Jace late into the night. Then it was Christmas and by demand he had to wake up early like he had every year since he’d been a kid. There was something special about Christmas morning that you couldn’t find any other morning of the year. The world seemed so still for one day and he could take a break from worrying about life as it was and where it was going in the coming months. 

He shuffled to the end of his bed and took out the photo album he kept under the mattress. Nobody knew he had it besides Jace, and he had only found out during the move here. He had an album that was at least four years old. They had been that family that kept photos of every possible moment they could find an excuse to take a picture. He had pictures from when he had been five, and Izzy three and Max only a toddler when their parents thought they could do no wrong and the world had been so small and so safe. He flipped through the pages and felt the familiar sharp ache inside of him as he stared at days long past. It hurt more this year since his dad was gone as well now, and they might not be alone, in fact you could argue they were less alone than they had been in years, but at the same time it felt like they were suddenly orphans. He knew they were better off, but looking at these pictures make him ache for something that would never be his again. He cried when he saw pictures with his dad, just the two of them with cake on their faces and making faces at one another. That had been his ninth birthday and they had ended up in some kind of cake fight in their kitchen. It was the year before Jace had come into their lives and only six years before everything fell apart. 

He slammed the album shut as he got up and padded out into the silent hallway, intent on making some hot chocolate or something to keep his mind off of the past. He was alive, and that was enough to be grateful for. He could have not been here to see this Christmas with his family. He could have missed having Magnus with him, and seeing Izzy overcome her fears and slowly come back to the person she used to be. He could have missed seeing his uncle deliriously in love, and that was amazing to witness. He was happy his uncle was happy and he deserved it after so many years alone and so many failed relationships. He stared out the window and fiddled with his phone as the snow fell. He stared at his father’s name, and contemplated pressing the little green icon. It was stupid to miss him when he was never going to be the dad that had laughed and played with him when he was small. He should burn that stupid album and stop dwelling. He bit his lip and took a deep breath before raising the phone to his ear. The ringing echoed in his head while the house was silent and all he could do was watch the drifting snow outside. He set his mug of hot chocolate on the table when his hand started to shake and waited for the beep he had expected all along.

“Hi Dad,” Alec said quietly and wondered what else he could possibly say to someone who had abandoned him what felt like years ago. A man who hated the very core of who he was, or at least appeared to. “I don’t know why I’m bothering to call. It’s not like you’re ever going to call me back.” He sighed and knew he only had about two minutes before he was cut off. “I just wanted to say Happy Christmas.” He swallowed again and had to get some of what he was thinking on this message. “I love you Dad, and I am going to whether you deserve it or not. I miss how things used to be. I miss when you used to love me, love us. We’re okay though, all of us. I’m making sure they’re okay. I…” Alec was trying not to sob as he got out the very last thing he needed to say. “I forgive you, for all of it. I don’t know your reasons, and I never will. I just wanted you to know that your son forgives you, even if I’m not sure you deserve it. Bye Dad.” 

“Here I was thinking I was some kind of freak crying on Christmas morning,” A voice said behind him quietly. Alec didn’t even turn to look as he felt the other person coming closer slowly until Magnus was right behind him, with a slow hesitant arm coming around his waist. Alec shivered as he felt Magnus’s body right behind his own. They had been hovering around one another this month, hands brushing constantly and lingering looks. Alec couldn’t get their last kiss out of his mind every time he looked at Magnus too closely. The way they fit together so easily and so seamlessly. 

“I wasn’t….I didn’t plan to call him,” Alec said as he lifted a hand to wipe the tears away. He found himself leaning into Magnus and it felt nice to have someone hold him up for a change. “I have this album of us and every Christmas I look at it. It’s stupid because it’s not like we’ve updated it for years now, and it’s not like it makes me happy exactly, but I can’t just throw it away. It’s stupid to miss him, really stupid. If he hadn’t left he would probably be off with Connie now instead of home with us. I’d be up alone making pancakes while trying to make Max cheer up. He was only twelve when the divorce went through and he hasn’t handled it well. “

“Nobody is asking you to validate how you feel,” Magnus told him softly. His breath tickled the back of Alec’s neck and made him shiver yet again, even if he was more than warm enough in Magnus’s arms. “I miss my parents too, and I’ve had to learn there’s nothing wrong with that even if reality probably wouldn’t be as good as I’m imagining it to be. My mom got so happy when it was Christmas time. She loved to watch the snow and to make cookies and the whole Christmas spirit. I decorated the house for her our last Christmas together since I know she wanted to, but she lacked the motivation. It was the last time I saw her really smile I think before she hung herself.” 

“My mom hates Christmas,” Alec shook his head softly. “She calls it a waste of time and whatever. She used to like it when we were little, but then Dad cheated and every ounce of joy went out of her. She won’t bother calling her kids today. I just...I don’t know how we got here in only three years. I’m graduating in six months and all I can think of is how much I’ve been broken in the last three years.”

“You’re one of the strongest people I know,” Magnus told him softly. “You’re so selflessly kind, even when you have every right to be selfish as hell. I know they hurt you, but your parents made you so strong. Sometimes we just have to find the people we can call family for the rest of our lives. You aren’t broken Alec, even if you feel that way. Your parents love you, even if they can’t show you. Your siblings adore you, and so…..so do I.”

“I don’t know if I’d have gotten through this year without you,” Alec said as he turned in Magnus’s arm to hug him tightly. Magnus’s arms were around his waist snugly as Alec tucked his face into Magnus’s neck to breathe him in as he slowly stroked the back of Magnus’s neck. He let himself linger there before reaching back to get Magnus’s present from the table behind them. 

“I want to give this to you now. It’s kinda personal and I’m not sure if you want everyone seeing it.” Alec explained as he held out the brightly wrapped package. 

“I’ll get yours as well then,” Magnus said with a smile as he moved to dart over to the tree and get a present out from the corner. “It’s not….well I don’t know if you’ll like it but maybe you will.”

“I’m sure I will love it,” Alec assured him as they traded gifts. He had to watch as Magnus tore the paper off of his. It had occurred to him about a week ago what would be perfect for Magnus. It was an album, and in it were pictures from all of his friends and from Raphael. Also included in the front cover were letters from his three friends and from Raphael as well. Alec had included his own letter with them and that was the one Magnus unfolded with shaking hands to read. It wasn’t exactly a love letter, but it was probably drifting toward that category. He had confessed everything he felt towards Mangus as well as apologizing for the spectacular ways he had messed up. He told Magnus how happy he was to have him in his life and how it would never be the same now. 

He looked down to unfold his own present and smiled when he saw the leather bound journal with four fountain pens enclosed as well. It was gorgeous with the leather soft and pliant under his careful hands and the pens each of excellent quality. It was gorgeous, if unconventional. 

“I..” Magnus was at a loss for words it was clear. He was gaping at the album and the letters in complete shock. Alec secretly loved the way his hair flopped over his forehead, soft and free of any product. He was so open in the soft light of the early morning, and they really didn’t get enough moment to just be themselves all alone. “Alec….this is everything I could have asked for. I’ve never had something like this. I….I don’t have words to explain what I feel.”

“I”m glad you like it,” Alec felt his cheeks heating up a bit at the rather intimate gift he’d given Magnus. Suddenly he felt like giving Magnus some kind of sex toy would have been more casual than this.

“I’m so tired of you being all the way over there,” Magnus told him with something in his green eyes that Alec had a hard time reading. It was determination that was overriding the fear he could see deep down in them as well. Of course he was scared, so was Alec. Whatever this was between them had gone beyond the casual line long ago. If they tried and it didn’t work it would hurt everyone around them. Their feelings were deeper than anything Alec could have ever imagined existing before meeting Magnus. The reason they kept fucking this up was because the feelings were so intense and so real that both of them knew once they fell, there was no turning back without catastrophic damage. “I’m so fucking tired of holding back all the time. I’m tired of not touching you.”

“I”m not going to stop you,” Alec said breathlessly as he stared at Magnus with a hunger rising that he had pushed down for months. Even when they had danced around another Alec had held back all that he thought and felt around Magnus. Magnus stalked to him and only hesitated long enough to look deep into his eyes as some way of asking. Alec could see the flecks of gold in his green eyes again for the first time in months and it made his heart skip a few beats. He felt such keen relief the moment his lips touched Magnus’s again for the first time in what felt like ages. This time Magnus held him just as tightly as he was clutching onto him. It felt so right to have Magnus in his arms at last. 

Magnus moaned against him as his slim hand tangled in Alec’s hair to tug gently. That tug immediately went to more southern regions and Alec moaned as well as he pressed Magnus into the doorjamb of the kitchen. He held Magnus’s hips snugly in his hands and smiled as their noses brushed as Alec tilted his head the other way for a new angle to give him more access. For the first time ever Magnus was the one tugging at him and demanding more. He felt the whole world disappearing until it was only the two of them in this kitchen that mattered. Alec raised a hand to cup his jaw and tilted his head gently to the side so he could press soft kisses to his jaw and down his neck. 

“Have I really been so scared of this?” Magnus asked as his head leaned back willingly.

“This wasn’t the part that scared you babe,” Alec told him, the pet name slipping out the way it did in his dreams. He blushed, but the smile that was on Magnus’s face let him know it was more than okay to use. “Magnus, you can trust me. I don’t care that your body is different. I...I like you Magnus. I like how you know me so well and that you put up with that. I like how you smile with your whole body and not just your lips. You’re strong enough to help hold me up when I can’t anymore. I”m not going to hurt you, not anymore. I think we’re hurting each other and putting this distance between us.”

“We’ve clicked since the day we met,” Magnus told him with a gentle smile. “We’ve been through hell since then with weeks of not talking at all, but every time I find my way back to you it’s like no time has passed. “ He kissed Alec tenderly and Alec couldn’t help but love the way he melted form such a simple touch. “I’m tired of not letting myself be happy already. I...I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and journaling and I think I’ve been punishing myself for being trans. I’ve been sabotaging the happiness I didn’t think I deserved. I want this Alec, I want it more than anything.”

“Then let’s dive in and give this everything we’ve got,” Alec told him with his heart ready to burst with happiness and a new sense of purpose. He brought a hand up to cup Magnus’s cheek gently and run his thumb over his cheekbone softly. “If we don’t work then we don’t work, but at least we gave it our best effort instead of half a chance.”

Magnus tugged him back down for a kiss just as someone loudly cleared their throat behind them. 

Alec pulled himself away from Magnus to see Mike and Raphael standing behind them, the former looking endlessly amused while the other looked carefully between them. Alec knew Raphael would be worried about this match considering all that they had been through and all that they were dealing with. Raphael knew their crazy intimately and he could only hope Raphael wouldn’t try and talk Magnus out of this. If anyone could talk Magnus into or out of anything it was him. 

“Happy Christmas,” Mike offered to them with a grin.

“There was mistletoe,” Magnus said innocently. Alec looked up and could hardly hold back a snort of laughter as he saw there was indeed mistletoe above them. “Alec had to kiss me. Bad luck if you don’t get kissed under mistletoe.”

“And I’m sure that was your only reason,” Mike teased them as he walked further in. “Raph and I wanted to surprise you with breakfast, but I guess everyone else will just be surprised.”

“I can help,” Alec offered immediately on instinct. Mike conceded since he knew by now that was easier than having to keep Alec out of the kitchen. He saw Magnus go off into the living room where their tree stood proudly with the twinkling lights still on from the night before. He felt a smile come to his face as he thought of holding Magnus against him. It was his own Christmas miracle that this was happening at last. He had done his waiting and wishing and hoping and now this was happening. He only hoped that Magnus wouldn’t be talked out of this so easily. This was risky and he couldn’t deny that. But he also couldn’t deny that it was worth it in every way. 

MBALMBALMBAL

Magnus took a deep breath and tried to stop his head from spinning so quickly. He had kissed Alec at last when, well actually both of them had been crying, but at least their worlds hadn’t been ending when Alec’s lips had been pressed against his own. He had meant what he had said. He was so tired of letting his transition get in the way of his happiness when Alec was right here and he wanted to be here for him. He ran a hand through his hair and tried not to overthink this when it was Christmas and it was a happy day for all of them. He was going to have breakfast with one family he found and then facetime with his other one. He was so lucky to have people that supported and cared about him. Magnus had been to one group therapy session since he had been going to his new therapist and he knew now how lucky he was to have people give a shit about him at all. So many kids had nobody who cared about them and they were on the streets. 

“Merry Christmas,” Raphael’s voice came from behind him softly. Magnus turned to return his grin and came to hug him. 

“Same to you,” Magnus said once they had pulled away. He searched Raphael’s face for any sign of his opinion on what he had witnessed in the kitchen. He knew Raphael was very wary of how deeply and how quickly Magnus had fallen for Alec. 

“So, Alec and you figured something out it would seem,” Raphael said cryptically with a raised eyebrow. 

“Well, we started to I guess,’ Magnus said as he looked at the tree instead of his mentor. 

“I know you two are more miserable apart than together,” Raphael said quietly. He squeezed Magnus’s arm gently. “Don’t think I don’t approve of this. That was never the impression I meant to give you. I...I just get worried about you, the both of you. Being in love is hard enough when everything else if fine. When things are hard then love gets even more complicated.”

“Alec and I are complicated all right,” Magnus agreed with a breath of laughter. “I just hope it’s the good kind of complicated. Will will at least be happy, that was his intention of giving Alec my number in the first place. He wanted me to have a boy to distract me from everything else. I can’t say that worked exactly that way but I did get a boy.”

“I have hope,” Raphael told him with a hand on his shoulder. “That’s the best a lot of people can ask for.”

“Morning all,” Jace said with Isabelle and Max appearing behind them and for the first time since moving here Magnus didn’t feel like an outsider anymore. This was part of the family he’d put together for himself. This was his home, as imperfect as it was. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” Magnus returned with a grin before a clanging noise came from the kitchen and almost immediately voices clamored together teasing and arguing playfully. It was a cacophony of noise that Magnus had never gotten used to before. It was the sound of a family who might take every chance to poke fun, but would always be there at the end of the day. 

MBALMBALMBAL

“Is he your boyfriend?” Will whispered to Magnus as they sat at the top of an enormous hill while people around them ran here and there before sliding down on whatever they could find to use as sleds. Magnus had shown up with Alec and Jace when Will had invited him to come along with Tessa and Jem. Magnus wasn’t one for sledding since it involved being cold and climbing up stupid hills. He wasn’t much of a physical exertion kind of person, but the hot chocolate was keeping him happy enough while he watched Alec smile and laugh when Jace was an idiot and pushed him down the hill. “I thought you two were, like, doomed or something? Like the perfect lovers that could never be together? I don’t know, Tessa was talking about something like that.”

“We’re going on a date tonight,” Magnus whispered in return with a grin creeping on his face. He hadn’t felt the excited and happy kind of butterflies in he didn’t know how long. He thought that maybe everything awful was behind him for once. Maybe he could be happy at last with this beautiful boy that he didn’t deserve. Alec had a lot of flaws, and Magnus had probably seen the worst of it after all that had happened. He was selfish and he gave into what he wanted without much thought to other people. He still had panic attacks and nightmares and was irritable when he was tired. Magnus suspected that he still had far too much anger built up towards his parents that he would probably never fully deal with. 

The good qualities this boy had outweighed the bad by a large margin.

Alec was kind, and he loved with his entire heart each and every time someone came into his life. Magnus had watched his relationship grow with Raphael, and it was interesting to watch. Alec would have every right to be upset and selfish that someone was taking away his uncle’s attention when, arguably, he needed it most. Alec had welcomed him in easily and quickly trusted him as much as his own uncle. Magnus had been able to watch him sing for fun whenever Simon was over and not only was he truly talented, but he also loved doing it. His face would light up when he would sing and sometimes it was the only time during the day Alec found peace. 

“I hope this is good for you,” Will said, with the familiar worry of an older brother in his voice. “I don’t want to have to kick his ass. No matter what you say this time, if he hurts you he will never walk the same again.”

“Alright, alright, enough with the big brother routine,” Magnus said, waving a hand and much more interested in watching the beautiful boy instead of talking about all the ways he could go wrong. This time he was going to listen to Raphael’s advice from weeks ago, trust a good thing when it happened. “Alec has been through hell already, and he’s coming out of it the best he can. We both got over ourselves a little and we’ve talked a lot. I’m honestly not that worried. Alec….Alec is my good thing. He is the one good thing that’s going to happen to me.”

“I’m freezing,” Tessa came up to easily cuddle in WIll’s arms and Magnus still marveled how much it seemed like she belonged there. Magnus could remember the awful and confusing days when Will had been attracted to Jem and Tessa had forced herself to back off so he could figure himself out. It had nearly broken her in so many ways, but eventually the three of them had sat down and figured it out. 

“You want a sip?” Will offered her his cup of steaming hot chocolate. She kissed him and took it gratefully. 

“You left your sled Tess,” Jem said grumpily as he flopped down next to them after pulling their two sleds to a safe spot where they wouldn’t go sliding back down the hill again. 

“I don’t think she left it so much as she expected you to carry it over here,” Magnus told him with a smirk. Will took his hand happily and traced patterns on the back of his hand. Magnus wondered if they were past the point of caring if people from school honestly found out. They only had a few months left until they would never see most of their classmates again for the most part. The idea was reassuring to him as well, that as much hell as he endured at school he would never have to see any of these people again after graduation. He would graduate with the ones he loved more than anything and then they could go and….well he didn’t have much of a plan after the diploma was in his hand. 

“Magnus!” Jace was calling and indicating he should come over. Magnus was grateful to let his friends have time to themselves together but the worry in Jace’s heterochromatic eyes had him wondering if he should have been so grateful. 

“Don’t be worried,” Jace must have known what he looked like on the outside, either that or he saw the way Magnus’s features tightened and a slight frown appeared. “I just….He got quiet and kinda withdrawn. I think something’s going on. He’s over there on the patio by himself and maybe he wants someone to talk to?”

“I’m not replacing you,” Magnus sent the blonde a look, more observant than anyone gave him credit for. The brothers were hardly the typical siblings that you saw on television or read about, then again maybe they were the brothers you read in books that you never believed really existed. They were there for each other in every situation and were closer than any kind of blood could make them. “Just because we’re dating doesn’t mean that he won’t want to talk to you as much anymore. Alec still needs you as much as he ever did.”

“He hasn’t talked to me as much since Maryse left. I think he wants to protect us from...well, everything pretty much. Like so many awful things have happened so he feels like he can’t add one more thing. I think with you it’s not like that.. You’re his, one of the only things that’s his.” Jace flushed pink and realized how that must have sounded. “Not that he considers you as some sort of possession. Actually he hasn’t said any of this to me and this is all me making shit up and I’m sure I’m wrong either way.”

“I get the point,” Magnus told him with a small laugh. “I”ll go pull him out of his head. I think we’re ready to get going anyways. I think Tessa mentioned stopping for hot chocolate on the way home since most of you haven’t gotten the crap they’re serving for free. I’ll be right back.”

He saw the blue of Alec’s coat and felt a bubble of joy that wasn’t familiar to him in the last four years. Even before his mother committed suicide it was rare that he would feel a moment of pure joy with nothing to complicate it. With Alec he felt that joy and for once it wasn’t complicated and he didn’t have to feel guilt under the surface of it all. Magnus was pleased to see that he really was just lost in his thoughts and it wasn’t a full on panic attack. His hands were curved tightly around the edge of the deck of the overlook and his shoulders were held higher than usual. He was beautiful, and some might argue that he was broken, but Magnus could still see the sunshine through the cracks and that’s what made him eager to take Alec’s hand and face whatever life would offer them next. 

“Hey you,” Magnus told him as he slipped an arm around his waist, under the coat he had undone. No doubt warm from all the hiking up and then sliding down again. Magnus had seen them even break into a snowball fight at one point today. “Are you finally tired out? You guys can go much longer than I could dream of.”

“Yeah, pretty tired,” Alec replied and he hadn’t seemed to honestly see him yet since his thoughts were still speaking much louder than he was. Magnus decided to fix that in the way he finally could. He turned Alec to face himi so his lower back was resting against the railing and rested one gloved hand against his neck to kiss him firmly. Alec gasped into his mouth the way he did each and every time Magnus kissed him. Magnus felt a pleasant squirm in his stomach that his lips caused such an intense reaction from just a kiss. Alec seemed to come to life as his hands splayed on Magnus’s back to pull him closer and he moaned into the kiss. 

“There you are love,’ Magnus murmured as he stroked his face. Alec flushed, but his hazel eyes brightened as he nuzzled the side of Magnus’s face gently.

“Am I stupidly sappy to say that I missed you?” Alec said and Magnus shivered as his warm breath washed over his neck. 

“If you are, I’m the last person to care,” Magnus replied as he kissed his temple. “Jace said you were getting a little lost over here in that head of yours.”

“It….yeah I guess,” Alec said shyly as he glanced away from him. Magnus kissed his forehead, then his nose. Alec blushed again before smiling down at him happily. “Now I’ve got my eyes on you so not so lost anymore.”

“Not so fast,” Magnus cautioned him as he trapped the other boy between his arms. “What triggered this? If you don’t want to tell me because it’s personal that’s fine, but don’t avoid it completely.”

“Jace fell and it looked like it hurt,” Alec said after heaving a deep breath and looking at a pine tree overhanging the deck next to them. “LIke some dorky parent I panicked for a second until that moron came up grinning and saying how awesome that was. I just… I feel like they’re my responsibility, Jace and Izzy. They’re both falling apart in so many ways and I feel like that’s on me. Mom left and she told me to take care of them and I took that to heart so long ago. This year I have failed in so many fucking ways and I don’t know how it all went so wrong…” Alec was rambling and Magnus waited patiently for him to finish before snatching off a glove with his teeth and placing his hand on Alec’s cheek. 

“Darling,” Magnus said carefully after he had stuffed the glove in his pocket. “If Jace had fallen down this death trap of a hill, that would have nothing to do with you. Jace is a big boy, and he can take responsibility for what he does. That is not your responsibility for every choice he makes. Jace is a great guy and he’s passing all his classes and you did that. You made sure your siblings stayed focused on school and will all graduate on time.”

“I…” Alec trailed off to smile and shake his head a bit. “How do you always manage to talk me out of my crazy head?”

“You aren’t crazy,” Magnus told him softly as he fondly brushed a curl off his forehead, still feeling a thrill that he could. “You just need another opinion than yourself. Let’s get out of the cold and get some hot chocolate with the others, okay?”

“Thank you.” Alec leaned down to kiss him chastely and Magnus had to fight the urge to pull him closer for more. “I’m so glad I can….just be with you.”

“It’s pretty amazing,” Magnus agreed, pleased when Alec took his hand in his as they went to join the other. Will shot him a pleased smile even if he looked a bit wary underneath it all. He was definitely the protective friend under everything else. 

“You alright?” Magnus heard Jace ask lowly as they passed him. 

“I’m good,” Alec said with a look to Magnus like he could almost solve all of his problems. It worried Magnus a bit when he said things like that, but he hoped Alec truly realized that relationships were not the end to finding happiness. Relationships took so much time and effort for them to be the beautiful thing you read in books. He was going to trust Alec. He was going to trust that he knew all of this. He wasn’t going to run just based on his own assumptions. They were going all in this time, and he would honor that. 

“Hot chocolate before we head home?” Magnus suggested to them as they headed back to the parking lot. 

“You mean the chocolate flavored water wasn’t good enough for you?” Will joked as he reached his precious car. He had gotten a new one sent to him for Christmas in lieu of his father actually showing his face. This one was a flashy SUV type of car which was great for them, but quite different to his usual sports car his father normally bought and sent to him. 

“We’ll meet you there,” Alec said with a wave as he headed to Mike’s car. The Lightwoods were still trying to adjust to only having two cars for the entire family to share. Robert really had left them with nothing and the cars were quickly returned to the bank shortly after the adjustment period. Jace beat him to the passenger side and Magnus rolled his eyes that it was a race at all, but as he reached for the door handle to the backseat he heard Alec scold his brother. “What do you think you’re doing? My boyfriend gets shotgun. Take it as revenge for every single time you made me ride in the back when Clary was with us.”

“Where is your other half Jace?” Magnus asked as he respectfully kept his face neutral when Jace switched him spots grumbling. 

“I… We haven’t talked in a few days,” Jace said awkwardly. Alec’s eyebrows rose as he put the car in gear and followed Will out of the parking lot. Magnus admittedly didn’t know a lot about Jace yet, but the one thing he did know was that he was normally with Clary all the time, or he had been before the shooting. 

“Everything alright?” Alec asked, glancing back at him in the rearview mirror. Magnus thought it was adorable that Alec was so protective of his siblings, even if it was a little overboard at times. 

“Yeah, we’re...fine,” Jace told him as he looked out the window. The pause didn’t bode well, but there was nothing they could really do. Magnus took Alec’s hand in his to squeeze gently to remind him of their talk earlier on that patio. Alec glanced over at him and took a deep breath to relax. Magnus nodded with a pleased tiny smile and figured that maybe this whole relationship thing might be good for them after all. Maybe they really had been stupid for playing so many games the last four months. 

Only time would tell.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone again!!! Hope everyone is surviving finals week coming up here!!! Study hard but please take care of yourselves, like taking a break to read this chapter for example!! This is the holidays part two chapter and we have more malec getting further established as a couple. Then we tackle the new year and new problems!! Hope you guys are still enjoying the story and let me know any thoughts or concerns!! Love you guys and thanks for reading!!

New Year’s Eve was going to be absolutely perfect. 

Alec had woken up from four hours of peaceful sleep, having actually gone back to sleep after his usual nightmare. He had had the energy to shower early and gotten organized. He had gone out early to do the grocery shopping for Mike and to get some clothes for his show tonight. Everything was going so well and his siblings both already had plans to come to the show tonight so they were happy and excited to be going out. Max had plans with his friends so Alec didn’t have to worry about him. He pulled in the driveway after borrowing the car, singing along to his favorite song and for once he didn’t feel stressed or worried about anything. Tomorrow dawned a brand new year and it might be a new start for all of them.

He got out of the car and immediately picked up on tension in the air. It was way too much like the old days and it made him tense and a vague pain to enter his chest. He loaded his arms up with groceries before carefully opening the front door. He heard fighting the minute he got in the house and it made a knot form in his stomach. He saw Raphael leaning with folded arms against the doorway to the living room, where the yelling was coming from. He glanced in as he walked by to see Mike and Max going at it, of all people. 

“You need help?” Raphael murmured to him as he passed. His tone was tense, but not overly worried so it made Alec worry a little less. 

“There’s a few more bags,” Alec said hesitantly. He still wasn’t used to getting help when his own parents had never been home to help, but his own father would never have imagined helping with something as mundane as groceries. 

“I got it,” Raphael said immediately. “Plus, I don’t much want to watch this shit show too much longer anyways.”

“What are they--” Alec started to ask but the answer was evident when the voices got louder.

“It’s not any of your business!” Max shouted heatedly as he stood with his arms folded with one of Alec’s black hoodies hanging off of him as he folded his arms tightly. He was highly upset, as he was prone to be since all of this had happened. He had gotten a little more stable since Robert had left, but the shouting match was definitely new. 

“You can go help them sort it out,” Raphael said with a sigh as he slipped on shoes to head outside. 

Alec bit his lip and lingered to see what this was about in the first place. 

“It’s damh well my business,” Mike argued in return angrily. He had his hands on his hips and was looking at Max furiously. “You live under my roof. You should have talked to me about it.”

“I don’t need your fucking permission,” Max shouted with his voice breaking and Alec knew he was close to breaking down. Alec had meant to ask Magnus how his depression had started and if Max was showing signs, or if he was just being a teenager with his emotions everywhere. Max wasn’t this person wearing black more than any other color and swearing more than he ever had in his life. He never wanted to be around anyone anymore most of the time, especially not Mike and Raphael. Christmas he had tolerated, but he had gotten snippy after breakfast and went upstairs until the rest of them had retired to their rooms too and then he would come talk to them. He was having a hard time with Mike filling Robert’s shoes better than the man had ever filled them himself. Max was so young still, barely fifteen, and he was missing Robert probably and afraid to say so. 

“You have gaping holes in your ears and, what, you didn’t think I’d notice?” Mike retorted with a raised eyebrow. Alec frowned and did indeed see that Max had gauges in his ears that looked so wrong next to his young face. What kind of friends did he even have now in high school? 

“I don’t care if you notice or not,” Max said fiercely as he hugged himself tighter. “I don’t really care if you like it or not either. LIke I said, none of your business.”

“You’ve made it pretty clear that you don’t appreciate me taking guardianship,” Mike said, no longer shouting but his tone wasn’t exactly gentle either. “You have to live here for three years until after you graduate so you have to get used to that I do have some say in how you act and what you do. I found cigarettes in your room and I was going to wait until after break to bring it up--”

“You went through my room? Are you kidding me? You aren’t my father and you have no fucking right to go through my stuff!” Alec texted Jace to come downstairs because honestly he wasn’t sure which one of them should take this when Mike wa through with his dressing down. Max was trying anything and everything to make himself feel better, and when that didn’t work Alec was a bit afraid of what he would turn to. 

“I’m going to cut this short before I strangle you,” Mike said as he rubbed his forehead, obviously incredibly frustrated. “I’m going to set down the rules whether you like them or not. Your curfew at fifteen years old is nine during the week and ten on the weekends, and no arguments about it. You are not going to be smoking under my roof and you are taking those ridiculous things out of your ears. While we are talking about rules, you will not be drinking until you’re twenty-one and not a minute sooner. You will watch your language when speaking to either myself or Raphael. These rules are hardly rocket science kid. I know I’m your uncle, but I still care if you do stupid things.”

“What’s up?” Jace said quietly as he appeared behind Alec and peered in on the screaming match. 

“You really didn’t hear the shouting match down here?” Alec asked him in disbelief. 

“I’ve learned to tune them out, so not so much,” Jace replied as he put a hand on his brother’s shoulder so he could peer over it better. “Did Max get gauges?”

“Apparently,” Alec said with a frown. “He’s-”

“So close to breaking down. I see it,” Jace finished as he looked closer at his baby brother. “God Alec, he’s taking this so hard. I keep telling him Robert was a waste of space, but he doesn’t listen any better than you do.”

“He’s still young Jace,’ Alec said softly. “He misses Dad, so much. We just had our first Christmas without either of them around. Dad wasn’t always a dick if you’ll remember.”

“He made up for it later,” Jace sighed and watched as they both got back to screaming levels. “We need to talk to him. Maybe the basement?”

“I’ll meet you down there,” Alec gave Jace a brief smile before he stepped into the melee. Max seemed surprised to see him, but Mike didn’t in the slightest. He met his uncle’s gaze for a moment and Mike seemed to understand that this fight wasn’t going to be won in one afternoon shouting match. 

“Take care of him?” Mike murmured to him as he passed. Alec was touched at the care in his voice even after Max was being as difficult as he could be. 

“Of course,” Alec said simply as he came to stand in front of his shaking brother, who hated confrontation as much as he did. Alec didn’t say anything yet as he only held out a hand silently, asking Max to trust him. Max’s smaller hand slipped into his and Alec saw that his ears were raw looking and probably not even done professionally. None of them had money anymore and every penny they got was from their uncle. Max was a smart kid, too smart. He knew he had messed up and didn’t want to admit it. Alec didn’t say a word until they were in the basement, away from any other prying ears. Jace had already turned on the heater down here, keeping the lights dim and pulling blankets on the couch. Max hadn’t even looked that far yet as he huddled into himself at the bottom of the stairs. 

“You stole my hoodie,” Alec said affectionately as he tugged on one of the strings hard enough to make it bounce back up. Max didn’t say anything as he kept staring at the floor. “Max, bud, it’s me. I”m not angry with you. We’re going to sit and talk that’s it. Now get out of that huge thing,” He tugged at the zipper and Max protested a bit, but in the end resigned to let Alec unzip him from his comfort in the baggy sweatshirt. 

“He can’t make me take them out,” Max said, before spotting Jace over on the couch already watching them. Funnily enough Jace had always had the best relationship with Max out of all of them. It was probably only because he was honest when the rest of them couldn’t bear to be. Jace had never once lied to Max about anything, and as a result the two of them had a very close relationship. Alec had been jealous at one point, but it wasn’t worth it when he was trying to run the house on his own more or less after their mom left them. 

“Oh Max, come here bud,” Jace said softly as he reached out an arm. Max’s hands shook as he shuffled over to flop down next to his brother on the couch. He tried to hide in his brother’s chest, but Jace quickly put one hand on his shoulder while the other hand came to touch his ear gently. Max instantly flinched away from the gentle touch with a small whimper coming to his throat, confirming Alec’s suspicions that they hurt badly and were not done professionally. Alec went to throw the hoodie on the couch and he caught it reeking of cigarette smoke. He wrinkled his nose and tossed it in the laundry pile instead. “Alec, google how to take these out yeah?”

“No,” Max said stubbornly even as tears came to his eyes. “I’m not taking them out.”

“You don’t like this shit,” Jace said plainly. “You’re my cute nerd brother who likes to read comics. We used to make fun of kids when these came out. Also, who got you into that shit music you’ve been blasting at stupid hours?”

“I’m not the same person I was,” Max said with his voice shaking. “I’m different, and I do like the music. It…. The music helps.”

“The music I don’t really give a shit about, except you aren’t blasting it in my car,” Alec said as he came to sit on his other side. He rubbed Max’s back gently, not letting this tough front be put up anymore. “Relax for me Max, it’s just us here. It’s okay.” 

“These are infected,” Jace said as he glanced between Max’s earlobes and his phone. “Did you do these in some kid’s basement?”

“Yeah,” Max muttered as slowly his shoulders relaxed under Alec’s touch. “One of my friends...his brother is a training tattoo artist and he does this stuff.”

“Fucking hell,” Jace said with a roll of his eyes that thankfully Max didn’t see. He read for a few more minutes before setting down the phone decisively. “Okay, let me go get some salt water to soak your ears in for a bit and see if we have any antibiotic stuff in the medical kit. I’ll be right back.” 

Alec watched Jace leave and took a deep breath as he tried to figure out what Max needed to hear. He could say a dozen things here, but if he messed this up then Max would shut down more instead of letting him soothe away some of the pain he was feeling. Alec had hardly seen his brother since school had gone on break. 

“I miss the way Dad used to love New Year’s,” Alec said, even if the words burned coming out. “I miss when we used to sit around and play board games all night long, waiting for midnight. I miss when it was fifteen minutes before and we all got sparkling cider and Dad used to make all kinds ridiculous goals for the next year to make us giggle. I miss Mom hugging him and looking at him like he wa the best man in the world. I miss being the one he would always hold before you took my spot,” Alec nudged him gently to show he wasn’t actually upset about something so silly. Max wouldn’t look at him of course, but Alec could tell he was crying softly as he brought his knees up to curl up on his side. “Max, baby, I know that everything is difierent. I know that Izzy, Jace, and I are different. Mike is even different than when we were kids. I think he’s happier being in love, but he’s also tired and has to step into a role he never asked for. I’m sorry this all happened in such a short amount of time. “

“I hate everything,” Max said hoarsely and quietly as Alec held him to his chest tightly. “I don’t know how to feel or act. I feel like I can’t breathe being here. I feel so helpless and lately I just haven’t felt anything at all. I feel so numb and nothing feels real anymore.” 

“You can talk to me instead of hiding away or screaming at Mike,” Alec said softly as he stroked his hair. 

“You have panic attacks and nightmares every single night,” Max protested. “How am I supposed to talk to you when you’re always exhausted? All of you are just fine that Dad is gone and Jace keeps telling me I shouldn’t even miss him or think about him and everyone just forgot they existed. I can’t just forget they were ever here. “

“I don’t care if I’m tired,” Alec told him firmly. “You can talk to me, no matter what. You’re my little brother which means i”m never too busy for you or too tired. Also Max, we are the opposite of fine. I may not miss the man he’s been the last couple of years, but I do miss the man he used to be. Izzy nearly killed herself over what he thought so I don’t think I can say that she doesn’t care. We care Max, but it’s complicated. He showed a lot more to us than he did to you.”

“I want Dad,” Max whimpered and Alec could only hold him close and wished this was easier for all of them. Jace came back downstairs and his face fell to see Max sobbing against Alec. He knelt in front of them and as soon as Jace touched the younger boy’s ears Max whined and told them to just take them out through his sobs. They made quick work of taking them out and Max ended up sprawled across both of their laps with a blanket over him. Jace had put on one of his favorite movies as he rubbed his side soothingly while Alec rubbed his back and ran a hand through his hair until he was asleep. 

“Jace, I’m worried about him,” Alec confessed quietly to the empty room. He felt sick that Max was this heartbroken and had no idea how to cope with it. Alec didn’t even have any good ideas to share with him. He only bottled it all up for years until he had anxiety so bad that he ended up on the floor unable to breathe more often than not. “He… He has no idea how to handle this. He’s so…. He’s heartbroken. Everything around him is different and he’s turning to everything to help fix that but it never will. Mike said he’s smoking and what are we supposed to do about that?”

“We can’t force him to do anything,” Jace said sadly as he turned down the volume of the movie. “I think i”ve been a bit too blunt about Robert with him. It worked on you, but he’s so much younger than we are. He’s just a kid that misses his dad and can’t get any closure because the son of a bitch isn’t actually dead. He just disappeared and how do you accept that before sixteen?”

“I think I’m staying home tonight with him,” Alec said after a long minute. “I can’t leave him like this alone with Mike and Raphael. I know they’re great, but not so much for Max right now. I’m pretty sure he’ll come around to them in his own time, but not right now.”

“No, I’m not leaving either,” Jace agreed with him instantly as he shifted to get more comfortable. “I think Max needs us here with him to have a movie night and act like things are the same for just one night. I feel bad we’re going to be down here while Mike and Raphael are upstairs, but it’s what this guy needs.”

“We can go up at midnight,” Alec compromised as he carefully eased out from under Max’s head. “I’m going to go break the news to Magnus. He was looking forward to tonight. Text Izzy?”

“On it,” Jace said as he brought out his phone. Alec smiled at his brothers before heading upstairs. 

“Is he okay?” Mike was hovering around the kitchen when Alec passed through. “Thank you for doing the groceries,” 

“He… well he’s getting through it,” Alec told him with a sad smile. “He’s having a hard time Mike, and you know he loves you. He just… Max is grieving a man who is still alive. He can’t understand why Dad left or why he isn’t coming back. I…. I know Raphael doesn’t like treating family so much, but I think Max might be going into depression? He’s so withdrawn and so sad when he isn’t. It’s been nearly two months since Dad left and he hasn’t really getting over it very well.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Mike said with his tone quiet and defeated. “Are you getting ready to go out?”

“No we’re all staying home with Max. I’m not leaving him like this.” Alec told him. “We’re gonna watch movies downstairs for a little while and we’ll come up to see the ball drop.”

“You’re a good brother Alexander,” Mike said warmly. Alec smiled shyly as he went upstairs to find his boyfriend and break the news to him. He heard music playing and found Magnus standing before Alec’s dresser and putting on his makeup. His room was still out of the study mostly so he didn’t have much beyond a dresser and for everything else he shared Alec’s room. Alec hardly minded and he couldn’t fight a smile as he saw Magnus’s hips sway along to the music gently as he happily got dolled up for the night. It broke Alec’s heart a little to tell Magnus he wasn’t taking him out tonight after all. He felt awful his boyfriend was cooped up at home for one of the first new year’s he was probably comfortable enough to go out as Magnus. He felt bad making Will and Simon carry the torch yet again. Since the shooting he had hardly been able to play at all, and now he had to bail yet again. 

“Hi,” Alec said with a smile as he stepped up behind Magnus. He slipped a hand on his waist. “You look gorgeous.”

“I’m not even close to being done yet,” Magnus protested as he grinned into the mirror. “You’ve been gone for ages. Grocery shopping insane?”

“No,” Alec said with a sigh. “That was fine, but when I came home I had break up that fight between Mike and Max.”

“Oh damn,” Magnus frowned in sympathy. “I wondered if you had had to get in the middle of that. Are you okay?”

“Eh,” Alec shrugged a shoulder and forced himself not to dwell. “I had enough to distract me. Max had a breakdown in the basement and he’s a mess. “ Magnus turned to pull him close into a hug that Alec needed more than he would admit. 

“We don’t have to go out tonight if you want to stay with him,” Magnus said instantly and Alec added it to yet another moment he fell further and further for Magnus Bane. 

“I”m sorry babe,” Alec said with a mournful expression. His arm tightened to pull Magnus even closer. “You look so sexy tonight and I was looking forward to showing you off.”

“I’m not anything to show off,” Magnus said flippantly as he squirmed in his grip and under his gaze. 

“You are,’ Alec said as he brought a hand up to Magnus’s cheek to make him look at him. His green eyes were so breathtaking lined in gold and Alec had no idea how he was this lucky. “Magnus, you’re so beautiful. I could stare at you all day and never get bored.”

“Stop,” Magnus was unused to the praise and seemed to be getting upset. Alec shushed him quietly as he pulled him into a gentle and careful kiss. That was all it took for Magnus to melt against him instinctually and Alec took advantage to press his tongue between Magnus’s open lips. He licked at Magnus’s lips eagerly, wanting to taste more of the man who had stolen his heart. Magnus moaned in his arms and the sound went straight southward and Alec felt himself getting aroused by these simple movements. Magnus drove him absolutely crazy by doing next to nothing and Alec had no idea how he did it. He devoured Magnus’s mouth easily and one hand slipped down to grope his ass. It was soft and muscular as Alec squeezed it gently and felt his own moan rise up. Magnus whimpered at the new touch and after a few moments Alec let them part slowly. Magnus looked dazed as he clung to Alec’s shoulders and tried to catch his breath. 

Alec was feeling extremely satisfied for about three minutes until he saw Magnus’s shoulders tense and he wouldn’t meet his gaze. He gently touched Magnus’s arm. “Are you okay? Was that too much?”

“I…” Magnus was choked up while he shook his head no. “I’m being stupid. It was just groping and I just have to…. I have to get used to your body touching… God I’m sorry.”

“No no Magnus,” Alec felt awful he had pushed yet again and made Magnus uncomfortable and upset. “You don’t need to be sorry. I’m sorry I made you feel uncomfortable. You need to tell me what your boundaries are.”

“I don’t,” Magnus was obviously frustrated and still on the edge of tears. “I don’t fucking know what my boundaries are. It feels good until it doesn’t and I… I can’t…” 

“Mags, what has you so upset?” Alec asked softly. He knew Magnus was sensitive about his body and generally uncomfortable with being touched too much or too intimately. They had had a few talks by now and Alec had thought he had come to read Magnus pretty easily by now. He knew the chest area was off limits as well as lying down on any surfaces. He thought he had kept within the boundaries, and then the moment they started to get remotely intimate Magnus was in front of him crying. 

“I don’t want you to see me like this,” Magnus got out as he tried to hold in some dry sobs. 

“This is what I’m here for,” Alec told him effortlessly.

“You have your brother to worry about. You don’t need me to be a mess as well,” Magnus said as he kept shaking his head and fighting against the tears that wanted to fall. Alec knew something more was going on for Magnus to have this intense of a reaction. He also knew when to back off and that this was only a week old between them and as much as Alec wanted to be the dedicated boyfriend who wa there for every single moment, he also knew when Magnus wanted Raphael instead of him. 

“Magnus, I don’t know what has you this upset. I’m going to get Raphael and we will all be in the basement watching movies. Come down when you’re ready, okay babe?” Alec ran a hand through his hair once and kissed his cheek before leaving the room.

MBALMBALMBAL

Magnus pulled at his hair roughly and tried to stop himself losing control over nothing. Alec was about to never touch him ever again if he cried every single damn time afterwards. He had no idea why he wa this upset either exactly. Alec had started to make him a tad uncomfortable before he let up and stopped. It wasn’t bad and Magnus had had many calm conversations in the past about what he was and was not comfortable with. He trusted Alec to take care of him and to love him. He hadn’t gotten this upset in so long over this issue. He was working on accepting his body and Alec was helping by leaps and bounds with hos he stared and worshipped him with that warm and soft look in his eyes. It made him feel warm inside when Alec looked at him and his boyfriend had been careful at never making him feel like sex was all he was after. 

“Hey there,” Raphael knocked lightly before closing the door behind him. Magnus couldn’t look at him as he let go of his hair to hug himself instead, letting his nails dig into skin as hard as he possibly could snap him out of this. Raphael opted to kneel in front of him rather than join him on the bed and noticed his harmful behaviour. “Shh, Magnus give me your hands. It’s just me and you can talk to me. Take some deep breaths and we can talk. Give me your hands, okay?”

Magnus slowly let go and winced at the way he had made harsh marks on his arm and they were bleeding slightly already. He let Raphael hold his hands instead and squeezed them tightly as he tried to stop his racing thoughts. “I’m sor-”

“You know apologies don’t fly with me,” Raphael told him playfully as he squeezed his hands. “What happened Magnus? Just the first thing that pops into your mind. Why are you so upset?”

“I don’t know,” Magnus said helplessly as his tears finally broke free. “I honestly don’t know why I’m sitting here sobbing. Alec and I were fine and we were kissing and then I was a mess.”

“Did he touch you somewhere new?” Raphael asked calmly. “Did he push you too far? Did he say something to make you upset?”

“No, no, he was being perfect,” Magnus said shakily. “We set boundaries this week after we kissed and he respected them perfectly. He was being sweet and kind and I’m just sitting here crying.”

“That’s perfectly alright,” Raphael told him as he took both of Magnus’s hands in one of his and used the other to rub his arm. 

“It isn’t, I feel like a crazy person,” Magnus grumbled as tears slipped down his cheeks still. He felt like some kind of whiny moron. Raphael glanced behind Magnus for a moment before he was on his feet and walked over to the nightstand quickly. Magnus was confused for only a moment before he was horrified and knew he was going to probably get the third degree. 

“Are these yours?” Raphael demanded as he held the prescription bottle in his hand. Magnus knew Raphael didn’t like anti-depression meds as whole. He always said that therapy was far more helpful in every single way. He would rather be on call for his patients all the time than drug them up to help them face their lives. His new therapist didn’t agree with that view at all, and he had quickly given Magnus a prescription for them during their second or third session. Magnus had been putting off taking them since he was nervous, but he’d gotten the nerve after he had shared that kiss with Alec. When they had agreed to give this their all, Magnus had decided that taking these pills were part of that 

“They’re mine,” Magnus confirmed in a small voice as he stared at the floor. Raphael sighed above him and Magnus felt awful for hiding this from him. Raphael may not be his therapist any longer, but he was so much more. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry you have them or sorry you didn’t think to even tell me you were taking them?” Raphael asked as he sat on the bed next to Magnus. “Magnus, these pills are nothing to take lightly. People can have adverse effects, and I don’t necessarily mean getting sick. These pills mess with your hormones and emotion that are already out of balance for some reason. You can’t just silently take these and not say a word to anyone about them.”

“I’ve only been taking them a few days,” Magnus said weakly. “I was going to tell you after the holidays were over. I didn’t want to fight over the holidays. I was trying not to ruin things and I ruined all of it anyways.”

“Oh Magnus,” Raphael said as he pulled him closer and rubbed his arm gently. “You haven’t ruined anything sweetheart. I just want you to be careful and to stay safe. You’re more emotional because of the pills that’s all. This happens sometimes while your body adjusts to the medication. It might take a few weeks for all of it to settle down, but we can get you through that.”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus apologized again helplessly as his tears finally stopped and he felt back in control of his emotions again. “I thought I was already a mess.”

“Go be with your boyfriend and enjoy him,” Raphael told him once he was calm again. “I’m glad Alec is being good to you. He seems to be learning when you need him and when you need space and I’m glad to have a partner in crime.”

“I’m a two person job that’s for sure,” Magnus muttered deprecatingly to himself as Raphael led him out into the house and he sighed as he carefully descended the carpeted stairs to peek into the spacious room that functioned as a den. Pizza boxes littered the coffee table and the three brothers were cuddled together on the couch while Izzy was sprawled over an armchair. Magnus was happy to see Max looking more relaxed than he had since Magnus had moved in here and he was freely laughing for once. He felt like an intruder on the Lightwood siblings bonding and was about to just slip back upstairs when Alec’s eye caught his and the hazel eyes lit up happily to see him. Magnus felt his breath catch at that look and Alec simply lifted an arm and draped it over the couch, showing him he had a spot against Alec’s side that nobody else was about to fill. He was giving this thing with Alec his all, and that meant sometimes fighting the urge to run from the world and let Alec into that world. He lightly stepped into the carpeted room and got glances accompanied with smiles from Izzy and Jace while Max didn’t seem to notice him at all. He sat down and immediately was surrounded by warmth as he was tucked into Alec’s side and part of the blanket was over his legs. He was accepted and warm and loved and that was something he hadn’t truly felt in a long time. Alec was his good thing, and he was going to keep him. 

Mike and Raphael came down later on, closer to midnight, with sparkling cider in their hands and they turned on the ball just a little ways away in times square. Simon came by after their concert was done to sit with Isabelle and make her shine. Magnus had never thought that someone could really do that, brighten your whole world. He knew damn well that nobody could fix you, but they could make you want to fix yourself as much as you can. Alec looked handsome as ever in a blue sweater by his side. 

“Hey,” Magnus said gently as he touched his shoulder. Alec looked over at him with a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. 

“Hey yourself,” Alec replied as he kissed him quickly. 

“They say,” Magnus began as he picked up Alec’s hand and played with his long fingers. “That how you spend your New Year’s eve is how you’re going to spend the majority of the next year. I’m happy I get to spend it with you, and hopefully the next year as well. Thank you for being patient with me, and being with me at all.”

“Mags,” Alec said softly and ran a hand over his hair. That was all it took for Magnus to feel like it was only the two of them in the room. “It’s a pleasure being with you. I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

“Happy New Year,” Magnus whispered as he saw out of the corner of his eye that the countdown was about to begin. Sure enough the room erupted in a countdown before the clock struck the beginning of a new day and a brand new year. Alec pulled him close to kiss him slowly and languidly, his lips moving slowly over Magnus’s and he couldn’t ask for anything more.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when things start to go right.....we take a few steps backwards again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically in this chapter we have Magnus making some disastrously bad choices.... please don't hate him too much. He truly doesn't mean to get in these situations.
> 
> Warning in this chapter for attempted sexual assault and for underage drinking
> 
> Welcome back!!! I think my vibe is back for this story....finally. Again I'm sorry It's been awhile and I really miss the weekly updates that were once upon a time. The new year has arrived and with it we have new choices and new mistakes. Next chapter we deal with the consequences that should be interesting. Thank you guys for reading this story after so long and I appreciate the dedication so much. Let me know what you love or hate so I can consider it for future direction. Comments are love!!! Happy reading :)

It didn’t take long into the new year for Magnus to realize that January first didn’t come with any kind of magic to fix your problems from the year before. Raphael hadn’t been lying when he said the antidepressants messed with your head before they did any good. He felt more anxious than he had in a long while and the dysphoria he felt was stronger than ever. He forced himself to keep taking the pills, even though every day felt like he was drowning in darkness further and further. The darkness only held off since he was in a house full of laughter and life with the Lightwoods around and the new year seemed to at least boost their spirits for a little while. Alec was affectionate as ever and while normally Magnus appreciated each new touch and kiss, his body wasn’t letting him enjoy it as much as he would like to. He was probably getting a period this month, and that didn’t help matters. The T shots did wonders, but they couldn’t completely cure biology. He still got his cycle every few months and those were the worst months for him. Logically, he knew it didn’t matter and that he still was as much Magnus as he ever was, but Margaret was ever on the horizon. 

He missed therapy with Raphael, but he didn’t know how to tell him that. His new therapist was probably very good, but it was always so formal with him. Magnus couldn’t just curl up on the floor and feel miserable with his new therapist. He had to talk about something and he normally just spoke about Alec more than anything else. He was easy to prattle on about for close to an hour, and it kept the focus off of him. 

“Are you coming to the show tonight?” Alec asked him as he came into his room without knocking. He was dressed in his tight jeans that he only wore for shows and a red shirt that was incredibly soft when it brushed against Magnus’s arm as Alec leaned over to kiss his cheek. He paused the video he was watching to keep his mind from spiralling off into horrible thoughts. He had completely forgotten that Alec had a show tonight and he would be playing for the first time since their benefit concert, which hadn’t exactly been fun. He didn’t want to go, only because that meant a lot of bodies touching his and lots of people staring and he hadn’t felt like putting on any sort of flashy clothes. He had actually taken to wearing Alec’s sweaters lately since they were bulky and comfortable and they smelled like his boyfriend. 

“Of course,” Magnus said like he absolutely would never forget about such a thing. “I like that shirt.”

“Thanks,” Alec smiled as he glanced at himself in the mirror. Magnus loved how he was the humblest man he had ever met. There wasn’t a vain bone in his body when it came to his appearance. 

“Can…” Magnus started to ask before realizing how stupid it would be to wear what he was wearing now to a club tonight. Alec liked to show him off and he couldn’t do so if Magnus was dressed like a homeless person. 

“Are you okay?” Alec asked him with a small frown. He was fidgeting with the spinner Magnus had gotten for Christmas from Will. Magnus knew he should probably be honest with him when it came to the darkness that wanted to creep up on him. He was holding it off with all he had, but he wasn’t sure if it would be enough. 

“I’m okay,” Magnus said with a small nod. He cuddled further into the sweater and already mourned having to change. “Do you know if anyone else is coming tonight to the show?”

“Iz will be there,’ Alec was still looking at him like he was a puzzle to figure out, but one piece wouldn’t quite fit. “I think Will invited Jem and Tessa of course. Max wants to come, but we’ll see on that one. You could come early with me or get a ride with Izzy.”

“Okay,” Magnus said in a small voice. He sighed and resigned himself to get up and change his clothes and do his hair with its normal color and glitter. 

“Babe, you don’t have to change,” Alec was perceptive and he was getting better and better at reading Magnus with every passing day. “You haven’t been out of a sweater in days.”

“All the more reason then,” Magnus told him. He wasn’t about to embarrass Alec and himself by dressing so out of place. “It’s a nightclub. I can’t just show up in your sweater.”

“I don’t mind you wearing my clothes,” Alec said with a smirk. “Ever.”

“I’m fine,” Magnus forced himself to get up and walk over to his closet to see what he had to wear. “Should I wear red as well, or perhaps black to compliment?”

“Or the blue Raphael got you for Christmas. That one was nice,’ Alec suggested, though he didn’t look convinced that Magnus was as fine as he was playing off to be. “Mags, do you want to come with me? Simon can come a bit later if you want? He wants to get there stupid early to make sure sound check actually gets done.”

“I think I’ll ride with Jem there,” Magnus said as he considered who he could handle seeing him having anxiety and being a general mess. He took out the black shirt, thinking that if they took pictures it would at least look nice. That way he had more options with his makeup anyways. The thought of spending nearly half an hour in the bathroom between his hair and makeup made him exhausted just thinking about it. He hadn’t worn anything like that in weeks since the motivation hadn’t hit him. When he was struggling with dysphoria makeup made him feel weird since it was traditionally such a girl thing. It was a completely sexist way to think, but he never claimed to be perfect. 

“Look at me,” Alec said softly as he came to stand next to him. Magnus inhaled his cologne and felt his knees go weak just a little. As skittish as he was about being too physical with Alec, his body also brought him comfort and warmth. His arms were absolutely his favorite place to be. Alec’s hand was warm against his face as he cupped his cheek gently. Magnus closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. He met Alec’s hazel eyes and bit his lip to keep from crying for no reason yet again. It’s just been such a hard week trying to keep his dark thoughts at bay and keep his head on straight while going to school, and socializing with people. He felt more comfortable here, but not enough so that he would neglect helping out around the house and not being a complete burden. “Magnus, you don’t have to dress up for me. I think you’re beautiful in anything. You don’t even have to come if you aren’t feeling up to it. I know these last few weeks have been hard on you. If I could stay home with you without Will and Simon killing me I would.”

“I’m fine. I want to come and support you.” Magnus said as he kissed his cheek and went towards the bathroom. “I”ll see you there in a little while. Jem will pick me up in an hour.”

“Alright, see you soon then babe,” Alec said with eyes full of worry but he left him alone to get ready. Magnus deflated as soon as he left the room and sighed deeply as he sank down to his bed again. Alec had given him a clear out, but he could never shake the image of how upset his father had been every time his mother had missed some big social event for his work or with their friends. The pills were meant to be helping, but he was as miserable as ever, maybe even more so. He was trying so damn hard for Alec, and he felt like he was failing already. 

It took him the full hour to get ready and he was still nowhere near ready to face Jem and the rest of the crowd that would be at the club tonight. He slipped outside without so much as a goodbye to anyone else in the house. He knew he was being stupid by hiding how miserable he felt, but it was all he could do. He was tired of being the one with some stupid crisis going on all the time. He was always that friend, and he was sick to death of it. 

Waiting outside wasn’t his best idea, and by the time Jem finally pulled up he was shivering and it didn’t help that the look Jem gave him told him that all his efforts to hide how miserable he was didn’t work for anyone who really knew him. 

“Tessa bailed on me,” Jem said in greeting as Magnus gratefully closed the car door. “We could ditch this whole thing.”

“Will would be pretty upset if both of you bailed. I mean it’s got to be one of the perks at having two partners right?” Magnus said. He adjusted the vents and attempted to warm up as quickly as possible. “It’s freezing out there.”

“How long were you shivering outside the warm gorgeous home you live in?” Jem retorted. Magnus shot him a glare for his cheeky remark. 

“Since you texted me that you were on your way, which was a lie apparently.” Magnus felt like this was already off to a weird start to the night and he really needed Jem on his side tonight if he was going to make it through this. “Quit looking at me like that.”

“Like what?” Jem said innocently as he focused on the road at last. 

“That look you give me when I’m a mess,” Magnus said with a sigh. He peered in the mirror to double check his liner wasn’t smudged and that his hair looked okay for now. 

“I never said you were a mess,’ Jem said patiently. “But you don’t look very happy either, and you haven’t all week. I know when your depression is creeping up on you Magnus. I’ve been around you for years now.”

“I can’t say I’ve had a great week,” Magnus admitted without looking at Jem. He peered out at the city lights and wished he could feel some of the carefree spirit the mingling people carried with them as they stood laughing outside bars and walking around amidst the city lights. . “I want to support Alec tonight. It’s the first show he’s really played in since the shooting in October. It’s a big night for him. I just… need to get through this.”

“Normally when going out the phrase ‘get through this’ isn’t used,” Jem pointed out as he struggled to find a parking spot somewhere on the street.

“It isn’t…. Alec is here so it will be a good time,” Magnus said with as much confidence as he could make himself put into his voice. 

“Things with Alec are good this time around?” Jem asked lightly, but Magnus knew if Alec was anything but amazing he’d have both Jem and Will to answer to. They were his brothers, the same way Alec and Jace would always protect Max. He took a deep breath and tried to relax.

“Yeah, things are so good,” Magnus said honestly. Nothing was wrong with Alec, and he intended to keep it that way.

“Are things good because you’re playing someone you aren’t or because he knows and is a kind human being?” Jem asked, knowing Magnus’s habit of pleasing other people and making himself suffer in silence. Jem finally found a spot and he skillfully pulled into a parking spot before it could be taken once again. 

“I… well I haven’t been completely honest about how I’ve been feeling, but it’s just because of meds and it’s going to go away.” Magnus looked at his knees guiltily. 

“I hid a date from Will and Tessa only a few months ago so I guess I can’t lecture you on hiding things,” Jem admitted. “Life is a long journey Magnus, and if you can’t be honest with the one you give your heart to it just gets longer.”

“I’m hoping it will just go away on its own,” Magnus said with a sigh. 

“You’re tearing up your cuticles,” Jem pointed out as he referred to Magnus’s torn up nail beds,, which Magnus was very aware of. “That means its bad and getting worse. Your stress normally manifests itself on your body somewhere. Just be careful and make sure you’re taking care of yourself.” 

“I will. I promise I will,” Magnus told him and Jem pat his arm gently. Magnus was becoming increasingly anxious as they got out and started to walk toward the nightclub. The place smelled of sweat and an awful mix of colognes as Magnus moved through the crowd to the back room where the band would be. He already found it hard to breathe and they had only just arrived. He followed Jem to the back room where the band was setting up and running sound check. Alec looked excited and amazing in those jeans and all he could do was sit here and feel this tightness building in his chest. He could have stayed home cuddled up in Alec’s sweater, and hell his boyfriend would have probably stayed with him if he had asked him to, but instead he was in this stupid crowded club and they would be here for hours. He was so stupid to think he could pretend to be okay for that long. 

“Is it stupid to say I’m nervous?” Alec asked him lowly when he came close. Magnus’s heart softened as he saw that his boyfriend’s hands were shaking slightly as he tightened the strings on his guitar while carefully making sure it was perfectly in tune by strumming the strings gently. This was why he knew Alec could be perfect for him. Alec understood these overwhelming emotions you could never understand or begin to explain. He understood that just because you did something a million times didn’t mean one day you couldn’t wake up and have that very thing feel completely different. 

“It’s not stupid,” Magnus told him with a gentle smile. He thought briefly of all that had happened since their last charity show, or even what had happened since their opening show so very long ago. Alec’s sister had almost died, his dad had left his family, he had had to move, he had saved Magnus’s life by nearly dying himself, had been having panic attacks every since, and somehow in the midst of all that they had fallen in love. Magnus would never say it aloud to anyone, but somewhere he knew that he had fallen for Alec along this crazy road they were travelling on. “You have every reason to be a bit nervous. You’ll do great though, really. This show is going to be a piece of cake. Just remember this is what you love more than anything else.”

“I’m not so sure about that anymore,” Alec murmured with a furtive glance toward him. “I’m glad you ended up coming. I need you here.”

“I know,” Magnus tugged Alec close when his boyfriend put the guitar aside at last. “I’m here for you, always. You’re going to knock them dead out there.”

“You seem better,” Alec said with a relieved smile. “I was a bit worried about you earlier. You’ve been kind of closed off all week.” Magnus wasn’t sure if he was worried or relieved that he could fake it this easily. 

“I told you I would be fine. What can I do to make you feel better?” Magnus asked him as he placed a hand on Alec’s cheek.

“Kiss for luck?” Alec asked cheekily. Magnus chuckled and pulled him close for a lingering kiss. He was frustrated when he couldn’t make himself feel the usual rush of euphoric emotions he always felt when kissing Alexander. Even when he was heartbroken months before he could still feel that undeniable rush the moment their lips met. He was disappointed and frustrated as Alec pulled away and gave him a smile before waving and going off to set up on the stage. 

“Simon,” Magnus caught the boy’s arm and pulled him to the side a little. “Is there a way we can get alcohol here by any chance? I… I need to take the edge off my anxiety.”

“Oh,” Simon looked surprised by the question. “Well, see the redhead tending the back bar? That’s Kevin and he will give you drinks if you say you’re with the band. Be discreet though, yeah? I like Kevin and we don’t want him fired.” 

“You got it,” Magnus assured him as he slipped to the bar Simon had mentioned and only had to flash the man behind the bar a shy smile and run a hand through his hair to get a bright blue drink in his hand. He didn’t make it a habit to drink, and he didn’t really think about the fact that he was on antidepressants until the alcohol was already burning his throat and warm in his stomach. He could only hope it wouldn’t react too badly. He downed the first drink too easily and the bartender was quick to fill it with the same a second time at the corner of the bar. The music thumping through him felt nice combined with the buzz he had from the drinks. He knew he should make his way closer to the stage and back to his friends, but at the same time he really liked the way this Kevin guy didn’t seem to look at him like he was broken. In fact, nobody at all was looking at him back here and his anxiety finally melted away completely between the alcohol and the anonymity. He found himself dancing a bit against the wall until Kevin decided it was time for a break and approached him with a grin. 

He let Kevin lead him away from the wall to dance close to him on the edge of the dance floor while his boyfriend’s band played enthusiastically to the crowd who was glad to have them reunited again at last. Will and Simon had been playing a few shows without Alec, but they were definitely better when united together. Kevin was definitely used to dancing in a crowd as he smoothly pulled Magnus into his arms and settled his arms around his hips. Magnus wasn’t thinking much as he let himself be held in the warm arms. He had had two of those blue drinks and already the room was spinning a bit and he couldn’t feel much of anything, which was an improvement over his racing heart and thoughts from earlier. He wasn’t sure he was impressing his dance partner very much since he was more just standing there than anything else. 

“You feeling good?” Kevin asked in his ear, his breath making Magnus shiver and suddenly he didn’t feel so relaxed anymore. He glanced up at the stage and his eyes caught onto Alexander, with sweat pouring off of him but a grin lighting up his face as he sang. He was gorgeous and Magnus was an idiot. The alcohol made his limbs feel heavy and uncoordinated as he tried to put some space between himself and the bartender he had thought was attractive at first but now his charming grin looked creepy instead of inviting.  
“Alec,” Magnus mumbled as he closed his eyes, trying to make his body stop enjoying the warm hands on his lower back. He was being led to a corner booth and he couldn’t make his legs work very well as he stumbled over himself, more terrified by the second. He shouldn’t be this out of it after two drinks, no way. He had to get away from this Kevin guy, and fast. This was going the wrong direction, and if he could form a coherent thought this would be easier. 

“You are so gorgeous,” Kevin said into his ear again as he had him up against the wall in a dark corner behind a booth. “I have ten minutes left on break, think you could show me a good time?”

“Boyfriend,” Magnus mumbled as Kevin had his hands on his belt and was undoing his jeans with practiced ease. Magnus started to squirm and suddenly the blissful numbness faded abruptly to a panic so intense it felt like someone had stabbed him. He couldn’t breathe in the stifling air of the bar and his jeans were being pulled down to his knees in one swift movement. The bartender reached forward, no doubt looking for a body part that wasn’t there. Magnus felt tears on his cheeks as low whines kept escaping his throat, desperate to get away from this asshole and away from this wall. Why did he keep making such horrendously bad decisions? What the fuck was wrong with him? 

“Kevin, seriously?” Aline’s voice came drifting from behind them and Magnus was relieved when the pressing hands stopped before Kevin could verbalize how much of a freak he was. “When they told me you were on break I thought I’d see you scarfing down a burger, not -- oh fuck no.”

“He dragged me back here,” Kevin lied, but the way Magnus was sliding down the wall didn’t make his story hold up very well. He felt the sobs, but couldn’t even hear himself over the pounding of the music. He could kind of see Aline, but his vision was swimming in and out of focus as he felt his breathing coming faster and his chest started to hurt sharply as he struggled to breathe. He hadn’t had a panic attack in ages, and god he hadn’t missed them. 

“Don’t fucking lie to me,” Aline said furiously as she shoved Kevin away from him. “He’s drunk out of his damn mind, courtesy of you. He’s also freaking the hell out which doesn’t indicate he’s the one wanting a good time. You’re a goddamn pervert and you better hope he’s alright. He’s a minor you dick, and you fucked up this time.”

“He’s a minor?” Kevin looked over at him again and Magnus turned his gaze to the floor as he panted for air in the stale bar air. “He sure doesn’t look like one.”

“We can all dress up pretty,” Aline said with a roll of her eyes as she shoved him away from them. “Get the fuck away from him. You’ll be lucky if Alec doesn’t kill you on the spot.”

“Oh fuck,” Magnus said as he couldn’t catch his breath at all and he felt like death was the only thing coming next. He felt sick as hell by now and he was trying not to throw up all over the floor here and now. 

“Aline, what’s going on?” A pretty blonde was next to Aline and for one crazy second Magnus thought Helen had come back to life before his brain realized this was Aline’s new friend that was often around these days. 

“Lydia,” Aline seemed relieved to see her and Magnus wanted to die, truly. He had sharp pains in his chest and in his stomach now and he quickly lost the battle to not vomit all over the place. Immediately he felt a hand on his shoulder, but touch wasn’t something he could handle right now and a sob escaped him as the pain escalated as well as his panic by having someone touching him. “Lyd, can you go get Jem? You remember who he was? Or better yet somehow get Alec’s attention if you can. Get someone over here as soon as you can.”

“Alec,’ Magnus said again around a sob as he sank down to the floor, flinching at the sticky floor under his bare hands. 

“He’s coming sweetie,” Aline said softly as she crouched in front of him, trying to get a good look at him. “Oh God, Kevin gave you some strong shit. Let’s get you dressed again, yeah?”

Magnus flinched away from her and clawed at his throat as he felt like he couldn’t breathe more intensely than ever. The air was all wrong in here and he was still in some disgusting corner and he could feel the bartender’s hands all over him, groping emptily like he was nothing more than a doll to play with. Another round of nausea hit him and he was gulping down air while at the same time getting everything out of his stomach as quickly as possible. The result left him gagging and gasping pathetically as he could do nothing but lay on the floor. 

“Move,” Alec’s voice cut through the people lingering around him and Magnus wanted to jump up into his arms, but he could barely lift his head. His stomach was still contracting painfully and he whimpered at the pain pathetically. Alec dropped to his knees next to him and cradled his head in his lap, in spite of how gross he was with tears and snot on his cheeks and vomit undoubtedly on his face somewhere. “Mags, darling, it’s going to be okay. “

“I can’t breathe Alec,” Magnus sobbed as nothing seemed to let up. Alec frowned for a split second before realization seemed to dawn on him. 

“Aline, call Raphael with my phone right now. Magnus is on antidepressants and he just had who knows what or how much to drink. I have no idea how those two react, but I have a feeling it’s bad,” Alec told his best friend desperately. Magnus picked up on the fear in his voice, and it didn’t make his panic lessen any. He was probably going to die right here on this disgusting floor of the bar, and wouldn’t that just be fitting of his life so far? He hadn’t wanted to be that kid causing a scene, and yet here he was with half the bar staring at him as he once again was the one falling apart when he was supposed to be having a good time. Alec was stroking his hair softly as he whispered words to him about how he loved him and how this was going to be over soon. 

What a fucking disaster this was.

MBALMBALMBAL

“What even was that shit show?” Aline asked as the three of them leaned against the cool brick wall outside the club. Alec scrubbed his hands over his face and wondered if these shows were cursed this year. Or maybe it was just the shows he bothered to play in. He wanted to go with Magnus in Raphael’s car, but he figured he would probably just be in the way. Raphael had told him Magnus would be fine by the morning, and that it all just had to get out of his system. It was terrifying to see a human being come undone that way, sobbing and throwing up like his body was turning itself inside out. 

“Hey, the show was amazing,” Simon joked weakly as he took a sip of his water. “We played better than we have since September.” Simon shook his head and sobered up as they all reflected of the mess Magnus had been as they carried him outside. “God, I thought Magnus would just get a beer or something, not some drink that would plaster him.”

“You’re the one that told Magnus who to get alcohol from?” Alec groaned as his head hit the damp wall heavily. 

“Nobody told me he was on meds. Can that kid not take care of himself for five seconds?” Simon grumbled, irked at having to take the blame. 

“Leave him alone,” Alec snapped on instinct before blowing out a heavy breath. “Is it horrible that I’m slightly pissed at him?”

“Slightly is allowed,” Aline told him before they lapsed into silence, watching the cars drive by with the splash of water somehow deeply satisfying. “Kevin deserves to die in some hole for what he did to Magnus. Granted that Magnus shouldn’t have been looking for alcohol while on meds, but Kevin knew exactly what would happen with that amount of alcohol so quickly. On top of that he was trying to-”

“Please don’t finish that so I don’t feel the urge to commit murder any stronger than I already do,” Alec begged her as his stomach twisted when he thought about the reason Magnus had been half undressed. “This is going to really set him back in a lot of ways.”

“If he breaks up with you again I’ll kill him,” Aline told him vehemently. Alec started to shiver as the cold settled down on him as his adrenaline faded from the show and the disaster to follow. They had people inside waiting for them to give rides home to, or at least talk to them after the show. 

Instead of making themselves go inside, the people that mattered spilled outside to find them. Izzy led the way and Alec had to admit she looked amazing tonight. His sister had always been able to shake everything off when faced with other people, but tonight her smile seemed genuine and her laugh reflected real happiness. Her hands didn’t shake anymore and she was letting herself have Simon in her life. Alec could see that that simple fact made all the difference in the world. Will and Jem were behind her, holding hands and talking quietly. Jem looked like he had been crying slightly with red eyes and Alec couldn’t blame him. With every minute that ticked by he wanted to fall apart with worry and fear. Lydia brought up the rear, and Alec couldn’t help but wonder what the hell she made of all this. She was new to their group, and this certainly couldn’t be a normal level of drama. 

“Is Magnus okay?” Will asked, and it was the first time he hadn’t looked pissed off having to ask Alec about the well being of his best friend. Alec straightened up and forced himself to think coherently about what had just happened. He always felt on the defensive with Will, especially when it came to Magnus, and he had no doubt that that would happen again but maybe not tonight. 

“Magnus is on antidepressants and so the alcohol reacted pretty badly with his system,” Alec said calmly, relaying all that he could from what Raphael had told him quickly. “The meds haven’t adjusted to his system fully yet either and that caused him to have a pretty severe panic attack on top of everything else. Kevin….the bartender tried to…. Well he had ulterior motives to getting Magnus wasted as quickly as possible.” He felt his fists clench in his pockets merely mentioning it. “Raphael told me that he should be okay, granted that nothing else was in those drinks beyond a large dose of vodka. He’ll be sick for a while longer, but once he calms down the vomiting should stop soon.”

“Your self restraint is admirable,” Will said as he looked him over. “You obviously want to kill that bastard with your bare hands. If anyone ever dared to manipulate Jem or Tessa like that I would probably be in cuffs right about now.”

“This is why you date level headed people,’ Jem told him hoarsely with a squeeze to his hand. Watching them made Alec ache for Magnus to be here with him, happy and calm in his arms. He had known this road wouldn’t be easy, but tonight was making him question if he was even enough to possibly help Magnus the way the other boy always seemed to help him every single day. 

“I shouldn’t have let him come,” Alec confessed quietly. Guilt rose up abruptly to choke him slightly as he thought about the moments in the bedroom when he knew damn well Magnus wasn’t feeling himself. He should have insisted his boyfriend stay home in his sweater tonight. He was selfish staying quiet because he wanted Magnus’s smile and support in the crowd tonight when in the end he hadn’t even noticed he was missing once he had gotten lost in the music. “He was upset tonight anyways before I left for the show and I should have done more to let him know he could have stayed home tonight. I knew he wasn’t okay and I still let him come to this place he hates and then this all happened.” He trailed off as emotions came to choke him and cut off his confession. He felt tears burning the back of his eyes as he quickly looked to the ground as his lower lip started to tremble. 

“This isn’t your fault,” Izzy was the one to reach out to comfort him first, taking his hand in hers. While it was true that Alec hat taken over the role of provider a few years ago Izzy had always been the one that could comfort him the best. It was part of being his twin undoubtedly that her arms were where he had let himself fall apart when he had truly and desperately needed to. She tugged him into her arms and hugged him tightly while her hand stroked the back of his neck. “Don’t do this to yourself Alec. This wasn’t your fault.”

“I…. I know I’ve been an asshole to you concerning Magnus,” Will admitted with one foot on the curb as he made to leave with Jem. “Not this time though LIghtwood. This wasn’t anyone’s fault. Magnus comes undone sometimes and breaks apart. That’s how he works. We could never keep it from happening either. All we ever could do was work on putting him back together again.” 

Alec could only nod as he hid his face in his sister’s neck until it was only the four of them let standing outside the bar they called a second home far too early in life. So many memories were at this bar, and recently all of them had been a disaster. He could remember their first show here, all of them nervous and thrilled in the same moments. The night had been a slow one and Alec had thought that that would be it. They would never play to more than a dozen people, but over the months the room had slowly filled as more and more people heard their covers and loved them. Alec had always liked music, but it wasn’t until he started playing live that he had felt it fill his veins with fire and make his soul come alive. 

He wanted that feeling back.


End file.
